To expect child maintenance?

[greysa]

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

Not sure how “to” turned into “atop” there, but in liking the wordy flourish it gives!

I cant believe all the extra unnecessary questioning towards OP. Yes of course he should pay child support, ideally at 50% of costs per month for raising your baby/child. OP, be prepared for him to try to pay less once he realises he has to lose some of his take-home pay each month for the next 18 years. His contribution probably won’t even cover half of childcare costs so look at what else you are entitled to.

Whether this was planned or not, your surname or his, discussed before sex etc etc is all completely irrelevant to the OPs question.

My bad I missed the part about him taking annual leave. I suppose that’s one redeeming point.

There’s a lot stacked the other side at the moment.

Hopefully it all comes together and he’s just being slow on realising the full implications of having a baby.

If he says he is happy to split costs, could that be better than CMS? You are down £400)month so he could pay £200 to you. Nursery full-time split that 50:50, costs and equipment preparing ( keep spreadsheet and show him), cost for nappies/creams/bags/feeding equipment/clothes and costs when baby is born . We spent circa £1000 on preparing ( including maternity clothes), ongoing cost maybe £10-£50 a week (mm ax amount is when new clothes/equipment needed).

Sorry typos ....£400/month, max amount when new clothes/equipment needed.

The getting 50:50 childcare costs and continuing your career are so important.

@yoyo1234

The getting 50:50 childcare costs and continuing your career are so important.

It’s not going to happen though. If he’s too mean to take paternity leave, there’s no way he’s going to cough up 50% of the real costs.

I would just have been wary of initially jumping in with CSA figures first if the offer of 50:50 for costs came from him. I think for a lot of families the biggest costs when having children is
pre school childcare and to parental careers and pension contributions. CSA calculator ( I just had a play with it now) only looks at income not real costs of the child to be raised.

She may be okay with him taking 2 weeks annual leave if he has the money to give her £200 a month during maternity leave to top up the £400 fall in pay.

I don’t understand him taking annual leave instead of paternity leave. Yes it pays less on paternity pay but that means he’s used two weeks of his annual leave. So does he not want to use his annual leave for actual time off later in the year?

OP, I feel like I am reading back on my life. I ended things with the father of my child when 20 weeks pregnant. Massively regret him being at the birth in hindsight, wish to god I had not told my best friend to go home when he arrived at the hospital. He has tried several times over the years to cease maintenance or reduced the amount for his own reasons, irrespective of child's needs. He dropped all contract when DD was 2 years old.

It is hard but can be a wonderful experience despite going it alone... you can make your own parenting choices. Also, name on birth certificate is irrelevant - since 2004, biologically parents get PR regardless of birth cert status.

@flamingomingeo if you’re in England I don’t think what you say about parental responsibility is right, unless I’ve misinterpreted how you have phrased it. A father doesn’t automatically get parental responsibility by being a biological father, he has to be on the birth certificate or married to the mother. If not then he’s have to seek parental responsibility by court order or agreement.

@AIMD Apologies, you are right re PR.

Thanks again everyone. I have a lot to think about, especially with regards to the birthing partner.

Hi OP! I was in a similar situation however a break up following a planned pregnancy so all the emotion that went with that. The money is for your baby so absolutely you should have the conversation with him. I would find out when the ball park figure is from the CSA but I'd ask him what his contribution would be and take it from there. He may have already considered it.
Definitely look at your UC entitlement as I was very surprised and the maintenance will not be taken in to account in this calculation.
You may also be entitled to a sure start grant (if this still exists) which you can get towards the things you will need. I would also involve him in buying all the big things baby needs and he will know how expensive it is x

have you considered shared parental leave?

Just send one more text saying we need to formalise child maintenance. We can either work it out ourselves this week or I can go through CSA.

@Kitewoman

have you considered shared parental leave?

He won’t take 2 weeks paternity leave because of the drop in pay......

Everyone latching onto his AL rather than paternity leave - the less of a drop in pay he takes the better able he’ll be able to support OP, so is it such a bad thing? You have no idea re his AL entitlement and with corona it’s less appealing to take AL baby or not.

There’s a danger here that if you pick holes in everything that the father is doing nothing will be good enough and you’ll end up with a bitter co-parenting arrangement. These things work so much better with a bit of goodwill. So whilst Dad is trying, albeit naively, it’s probably better to cut him some slack and OP and him navigate this together. With support - but not
heckling in the background! This whole arrangement sounds like it’s going pretty well all things considered.

This whole arrangement sounds like it’s going pretty well all things considered

The baby’s not here yet.

Everyone latching onto his AL rather than paternity leave - the less of a drop in pay he takes the better able he’ll be able to support OP, so is it such a bad thing? You have no idea re his AL entitlement and with corona it’s less appealing to take AL baby or not.

He’s reducing the amount of time he has to spend with his child over the next several months by 2 weeks......... Don’t you think it undermines his “want to see her as much as possible/let’s do 50/50” comments?

He must get at least 4 weeks annual leave per year by law. Not taking the 2 weeks paternity leave he’s legally entitled to on top due to money sends a very clear message.

oh, he will be also entitled to up to 4 weeks unpaid parental leave annually. granted, unpaid but many parents have no alternative to take some unpaid leave every year. It's unpaid but who said having s child is great for the bank account.

@VinylDetective

This whole arrangement sounds like it’s going pretty well all things considered

The baby’s not here yet.

Well he can’t start changing nappies whilst it’s in utero can he?!

@TomHardyAndMe

Everyone latching onto his AL rather than paternity leave - the less of a drop in pay he takes the better able he’ll be able to support OP, so is it such a bad thing? You have no idea re his AL entitlement and with corona it’s less appealing to take AL baby or not.

He’s reducing the amount of time he has to spend with his child over the next several months by 2 weeks......... Don’t you think it undermines his “want to see her as much as possible/let’s do 50/50” comments?

He must get at least 4 weeks annual leave per year by law. Not taking the 2 weeks paternity leave he’s legally entitled to on top due to money sends a very clear message.

We’ve already established 50/50 is pretty impractical with a breastfed newborn...

I don’t understand the desperation to attack him. Just my two pence OP. Don’t let bitter Mumsnetters cloud your judgement or stress you about things that haven’t even happened yet.