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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect child maintenance?

345 replies

greysa · 14/02/2021 20:18

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 18/02/2021 11:52

@dreamingbohemian

I agree we can't know this man's motives, whether he's just naive or lazy, or whether he's being more deliberately difficult.

But that doesn't change the fact that his actual behaviour is not encouraging. Whatever his reasons, he's being hard work and that doesn't bode well.

The two things that stood out to me were the OP saying if she didn't contact him she would never hear from him until her due date, and the way he made her scan appointment all about him, to the point that they were late. Those are really not good signs.

It's not about finding every little fault in him, it's recognising red flags when they appear.

Yep. OP said earlier that she didn't think he was a bad guy. He probably isn't, but his behaviour and idiocy are such that he almost might as well be, because of all the trouble he's causing her. Whether it's malicious or not, it's a problem and OP's not being unreasonable in identifying it or realising how far reaching and impactful this kind of behaviour is.

VinylDetective · 18/02/2021 11:55

@Coffeeandcocopops

If I was him I would expect 50:50 care. I think it’s unfair to not expect that request from him. He can use childcare just like other full time working parents.

In which case, what’s the point?

bigbird1969 · 18/02/2021 11:59

You have to remind yourself that you and this man have no relationship, no feelings for each other. His primary goal is to have his baby, his parents are doing there utmost to ensure there on your side too. However there goal is the same, to see the baby. Once baby is here you wont be popping round for sunday lunch or hanging out at family gatherings with them. Your child will be though. You need to start thinking about what you want to happen once baby is here, how contact is going to work and what you will accept and not accept. If he plays silly buggers about money then keep it above board and go direct to CMS yourself. You dont wait until you stop breastfeeding etc etc. You will be the babies main carer during the early stages, you will be on maternity leave and the sperm donor needs to understand that he needs to support his DC. I would be getting ready with a CMS claim once baby is born. I wouldnt be negotiating with a man who thinks and expects to be taking his breast fed baby overnight once born and removing the DC from its mother...he has no emotional ties to you hence his behaviour and attitude. I would be getting things straightened out now as once baby has arrived you will be emotionally vulnerable.

Coffeeandcocopops · 18/02/2021 12:17

The man has no emotional ties with the OP. But he is getting a baby. To the poster that questioned why he would want 50:50 care but still work FT - 1000s of parents and single parents have babies and work full time. To expect a single father not to be able to care for a child and work full time is 100% sexist as lots of mums including me do it. He also has his parents to help. Sounds like an ideal situation for 50:50. To deny him that if he wants it once baby is a little older is wrong. It is his baby too.

CraftyYankee · 18/02/2021 12:17

I think he is clueless as to the reality of having a baby, particularly a newborn. That in and of itself isn't terrible, few people are truly prepared until it happens (and things won't go to plan, it's impossible to predict).

What is worrying is that rather than doing things to make OPs life easier, reading up and researching (or even talking with friends with kids), he's dismissing her and being difficult.

Getting the GP on side could be helpful, but ultimately he's their son and they will support him.

As I said earlier, think about taking the time and mental space you are currently spending on baby's dad and apply it to researching rights and obligations of both you and him. Perhaps consult a lawyer with regards to maintenance and a residency order if appropriate.

I just worry he's going to be like a child with a desperately longed for Christmas present - "gimme gimme" but after five minutes he's bored and done. Leaving you with the rest of the child's life.

(Possibly this last is an exaggeration but you get my point - Disney dadding but leaving all heavy lifting for you.)

DinoHat · 18/02/2021 12:18

@Coffeeandcocopops

Totally agree and it would definitely be in OP’s best interests, from a long term perspective, to continue FT work.

KatySun · 18/02/2021 12:26

It is not about denying or granting the father anything as regards 50:50, it is about what is in the childs best interests. That ideally requires both parents to be responsive to the child’s needs, what is working and not working as regards contact and residence, to review and adjust regularly as needed and not to decide on a child’s future well-being by arbitrary percentages.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 18/02/2021 12:44

This whole arrangement sounds like it’s going pretty well all things considered.

He’s ignoring her texts and requests to have a discussion, he’s gaslighting her, hes refusing to provide her with any sort of idea of what financial support he will provide for his child, he took over the arrangements for her scan and wouldn’t let her leave at the time she needed to.

Yeah, sounds great!

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 18/02/2021 12:55

OP in your position I advise that you use the next 12 weeks to really observe him and his behaviour and attitude. I wouldn’t be sending him any more texts asking for a discussion or any information. You’ve done that numerous times already and he has fobbed you off each time. You won’t get the information you need that way so stop doing it. You need to step back from him, leave it in his court to see how interested and caring he actually is.

Also, I do agree you should have a zoom meeting with his parents, but I advise caution. Like a PP says- they have one goal- to have as much access to the baby as possible. Be aware of that and dont underestimate how much pressure you will feel under, particularly in the days immediately after birth when your hormones will have your head all over the place. Keep your family around you at this time to act as a buffer between anyone who will try and put pressure on you to agree to anything.

Coffeeandcocopops · 18/02/2021 13:06

If you are going to make a baby with a man who has no expectation of a relationship and is not in a relationship with you why are we all surprised that he is coming across as a uninformed uninterested man. He is a fool for not using contraceptive.

If I was you I would walk away from him. I would have no expectations at all of him being involved or contributing. Carry on working and support you and your baby yourself.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 18/02/2021 13:14

why are we all surprised that he is coming across as a uninformed uninterested man.

Would you be surprised if OP showed no interest in her baby and took no steps to inform herself about what her baby will need from her financially and physically or would that be fine because she isn’t in a relationship with the baby’s father?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/02/2021 13:30

Reframe the question:

"AIBU for claiming the maintenance my child is legally entitled to in order to have a safe and healthy environment, food and clothing?"

No, you aren't.

StarCourt · 18/02/2021 13:48

Op he does realise that maintenance and contact are nothing to do with each other?

Looneytune253 · 18/02/2021 14:02

As far as finances etc go, as you are preparing to go back to work, it may be worth literally splitting child's time 50/50 weekends and weekdays so you both have set days. I know he's said he's willing but you may need to set out the days etc now and then you can maybe work your work days round when he has little one and he can start thinking about childcare for those days. It doesn't all have to be on you!!

SuperSange · 18/02/2021 14:08

Yes, as a pp said; does he realise that he has to pay whether he sees the baby or not? That they're not pay per view?

Ellpellwood · 18/02/2021 14:17

That's not true is it? He will have to pay less if the child stays overnight with him, on a scale starting from 52 nights a year.

Ellpellwood · 18/02/2021 14:19

Sorry, obviously doesn't apply to a breastfed newborn, I'm talking about later. If it's 50/50 no maintenance is due.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 18/02/2021 14:40

If it's 50/50 no maintenance is due.

That’s not a hard and fast rule. Each case is assessed individually. If one parent earns significantly more than the other they can sometimes still be eligible to pay some maintenance even in a 50:50 scenario.

harknesswitch · 18/02/2021 14:49

You are not being grabby, this is him being responsible for his child, and that includes financially responsible too. You have to take maternity leave and go back part time due to this child, he bears 50% responsibility for his child too and if he can't help 50/50 then he has to provide financially more than he would if he's 50% care.

As for him taking an interest in his child, that's up to him, if he decides not to die to financial reasons then he's a dickhead and a crap father

StarCourt · 18/02/2021 14:54

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority is correct it's more about the child not having a vastly different lifestyle in one house than the other.

BlueThistles · 18/02/2021 15:24

I wouldn't put him on the Birth Certificate either OP.

Countrygirl2021 · 18/02/2021 15:31

also look at what benefits you’re entitled to

What a terrible attitude in this country. There are benefits to wearing a condom - you don't bring a child into an already separated relationship.

Sorry but it makes me so cross. You cant have a baby Sid the consequence then expect someone else to pay.

Countrygirl2021 · 18/02/2021 15:32

I wouldn't put him on the Birth Certificate either OP.

He contributed 50% towards making the child!!!!

JustLyra · 18/02/2021 15:49

@Countrygirl2021

*also look at what benefits you’re entitled to*

What a terrible attitude in this country. There are benefits to wearing a condom - you don't bring a child into an already separated relationship.

Sorry but it makes me so cross. You cant have a baby Sid the consequence then expect someone else to pay.

If you can't say anything supportive then why bother saying anything at all?

BlueThistles · 18/02/2021 15:56

@Countrygirl2021

*I wouldn't put him on the Birth Certificate either OP. *

He contributed 50% towards making the child!!!!

A father's name does not have to be added at the time of registering the birth. ... If the parents are married, then both parents details will appear on the birth certificate. Either parent can register the child's birth on their own. This means if the father is married to the mother they can register the name.

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