Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect child maintenance?

345 replies

greysa · 14/02/2021 20:18

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
DeadGood · 18/02/2021 16:55

@Countrygirl2021

*I wouldn't put him on the Birth Certificate either OP. *

He contributed 50% towards making the child!!!!

He isn’t actually pregnant, is he? He’s not planning to change his working schedule, is he?

His role in creating the pregnancy wasn’t exactly an arduous one 🙄

Pinpointer · 18/02/2021 17:52

If OP doesn’t put him on the birth certificate he can make it much harder for her to claim CSA with dna testing hold ups. She needs the money during MAT more than any other time

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/02/2021 20:22

@Pinpointer

If OP doesn’t put him on the birth certificate he can make it much harder for her to claim CSA with dna testing hold ups. She needs the money during MAT more than any other time
No he can claim he is not the father. He will be charged for dna test if proven he is the dad. Claim is backdated to when claim was opened.

Many men delay payment if that's the game they decide to play. A loudy reason to put someone on the birth certificate

Pinpointer · 18/02/2021 20:27

@Starlightstarbright1 yes he will be charged for the dna and the claim backdated but she needs the money during Maternity leave not a year in the future (especially with potential covid delays).

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 15:04

Hi OP.. did you manage to have the 'conversation' Flowers

Original poster
greysa · 21/02/2021 15:17

@BlueThistles no, he thinks we can sort this all out once baby is born and won’t tell me his salary or the CMS amount. Says it’s too early. I’m done arguing with him over it, it just stresses me out.

OP posts:
NeedToGetOuttaHere · 21/02/2021 15:21

Leave it to when your baby is born and then go through child support agency.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 15:21

Ahhh ... so it's not as easy as he claimed it would all be after all ... OP this is a red flag.. collect all his employer info like address etc and when the time is right for you.. you go through the appropriate channels for CMS ... let them collect on your childs behalf ... take the stress out of him deflecting and avoiding ... I hope your taking things easy and looking after yourself OP 🌺

Original poster
greysa · 21/02/2021 15:36

Thanks, that’s my plan. I’m not sure why he wants to be difficult and wait til nearer the time to tell me, it’s not like it’s going to change! I was planning on not messaging him and seeing how long it took him to get in touch, but I had to message him to let him know I’d had reduced movements and was going in to get checked over. All fine thankfully. So now I’m just going to leave it up to him to make any contact, if he bothers to.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 21/02/2021 15:40

You're doing the right thing. Let him make the effort now.

Base all your finances on your income and any top ups. If you can then use any CMS you get from him when it comes for "nice to haves". That stops it being a fucking nightmare when you are expecting X amount and for whatever reason you get Y amount, or nothing. It absolutely shouldn't be that way, but some guys are dicks and CMS can often be fucking hopeless.

He's shown you now that he's only prepared to do things in his way, so accept him telling you who he is and make your own plans and tell him what you are doing. If he chooses to be a decent father then excellent, but that's something he needs to do, it's not something you should need to chase him into.

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 21/02/2021 15:40

Good plan.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 15:42

you're doing the right thing for you and your pregnancy OP...

also... this might have given you a small window into how he really sees this panning out ..

he does not get to control the narrative 🌺

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 21/02/2021 15:42

but I had to message him to let him know I’d had reduced movements and was going in to get checked over.

No, you didn’t have to let him know that.

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 15:43

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority

but I had to message him to let him know I’d had reduced movements and was going in to get checked over.

No, you didn’t have to let him know that.

agreed 🌺

LittleOwl153 · 21/02/2021 16:25

What does he do? Is it a salaried job or self employed? Id prepare for him hiding income on that basis so he doesn't have to pay much cms.

naptune · 21/02/2021 16:35

You’re doing the right thing. I’m glad to hear all is okay with your little one💐

Original poster
greysa · 21/02/2021 16:37

@LittleOwl153 salaried. I don’t think he’s trying to get out of paying it, to be honest. But I do think he wants to make sure that it will be on his terms, and putting off giving me this information ensures that. Just like the scan issue, it’s not that he didn’t come with me or want to come with me, it just had to be on his terms. It’s taken me a while to realise that.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority @BlueThistles yes, true I didn’t have to.

One more thing I’ve been thinking about. I’ve bought lots of things for the baby already. Mostly second hand when I’ve seen a good bargain etc. Of course it all adds up. I still need a bedside crib and the one I want is around £200 - reasonable to ask him to contribute to this, since he said we are going halves on everything? He obviously won’t need one at his place, so it’s not an item that we will both need. I haven’t asked him to contribute to anything else yet. Or is it only reasonable once baby is here? Confused

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 21/02/2021 16:41

Let's hope he's employed and not self employed. I think your strategy of not contacting him is the right thing to do. Base your financial decisions on your maternity pay and benefits and anything from him will be a 'nice to have'.

Please don't go down the 'we'll just pay halves of everything' route, where you hand him a monthly invoice to cover his share of nappies, formula, clothes, toys etc. This won't begin to cover the financial hit you will take as a working mother. Working PT, leaving on time every day to collect your child from nursery, flexible working etc can all take its toll on your career and long term earnings/pension. I'm not saying he should make up the shortfall in your pay but you need a regular monthly payment that you don't have to constantly justify.

Kitewoman · 21/02/2021 16:42

I am sorry OP. He is an utter arse but at least he made that abundantly clear now. I would plan everything now as if you are gonna do this by yourself which will probably be th case (other than a bit of CMS maintenance). Hope you are ok.

Kitewoman · 21/02/2021 16:45

still need a bedside crib and the one I want is around £200 - reasonable to ask him to contribute to this, since he said we are going halves on everything?

I would leave him out. Fwiw, I had a Moses basket off Freecycle but the DC were co-sleeping until 3. I am glad I didn't spend money on a bed! 200 for a crib is insane especially if money is tight. I would register on some local Freecycle/thrifting pages. Its pretty incredible what people give away on there.

Original poster
greysa · 21/02/2021 16:51

@Kitewoman ah I know it is expensive but I’ve gotten everything else second hand so far so have saved some money there, and really want this crib. Blush I can afford it myself, I just feel slightly begrudged that he hasn’t had to buy anything at all yet, yet he’s under the impression that we’re doing this equally.

OP posts:
user18467425798532 · 21/02/2021 16:57

so it’s not an item that we will both need

Neither of you need the crib. The baby does.

He said he would pay half of all baby costs. I would treat this as a litmus test tbh.

bigbird1969 · 21/02/2021 16:58

Its not about being on his terms, your reaching out to him as if he is a partner. Your merely a vessel carrying his DC, hence his complete lack of care or concerns or interest in buying bits and bobs. He will no doubt be demanding once baby arrives, I have no idea why you want him staying with you in the first two weeks or being at the birth. It would be a close friend or a mother, someone who actually may care about me and be attentive

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 21/02/2021 17:01

I still need a bedside crib and the one I want is around £200 - reasonable to ask him to contribute to this, since he said we are going halves on everything?

Honestly Op, this thread is starting to feel like banging my head off a wall. You keep looking for reasons to contact him despite being told time and time again that he won’t give you the response you want. I know you say you just want to be friends with him but it’s coming across loud and clear that you really want more from him than that. You are in denial about that, so I know you will respond that it’s not true but your behaviour and posts here paint a different story.

Sort the crib yourself. He is not interested in you, or in helping you or in raising this baby with you. He is interested in keeping as much of his money in his own account and doing as little actual parenting as he can get away with. That won’t be apparent to you now but those of us who have seen this many times over the years can see exactly how it will play out. You need to start protecting yourself now and that starts with not putting yourself out there to be rejected by him again and again. Your self esteem does not need that. Your baby needs you to be emotionally well to be in the best place to care for her and making smart decisions on her behalf. Start now. Or someone else, who doesn’t have your interests at heart, will make those decisions for you.

TheyIsMyFamily · 21/02/2021 17:04

@Crackerofdoom

If you start with the dynamic that this is all your responsibility and he is doing you a favour whenever he helps out, it will be really hard for you to change that.

He is going to be a father and needs to pay towards the maintenance of his child. That is your starting point. Even if he is generous, you need to be able to plan and know how much money you will have for you and the child to live on and not rely on him handing out money when he wants to.

It is absolutely not unreasonable for you to ask him for this.

This. entirely.