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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect child maintenance?

345 replies

greysa · 14/02/2021 20:18

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2021 20:21

Is this a planned baby? It’s not really clear from your post.

By law, you’re entitled to child maintenance as long as you do more day to day care than him. That’s based on his income, not yours. Maternity leave and nursery fees are expensive, so now’s a good time to start taking about it.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 14/02/2021 20:22

I’m sure you are entitled to something.

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 20:22

@TestingTestingWonTooFree sorry, I should have stated. It wasn’t planned, but neither of us wanted a termination.

OP posts:
MeanMrMustardSeed · 14/02/2021 20:24

What did you agree before? I’d stick with that. If the plan is to raise the child 50:50, maybe ask for a certain amount towards baby purchases, but I’m not sure you can expect general living costs, unless you go down the official route.

CherryRoulade · 14/02/2021 20:24

Wasn’t pre-conception the time to agree such arrangements?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 14/02/2021 20:24

Of course he should pay maintenance. If anything, he should be paying more during mat leave since you only get statutory pay. He shouldn't get to continue to work full time and get full time salary while you need to survive on statutory pay.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 14/02/2021 20:26

Cross post. When he said he didn’t want you to have a termination, did he mention anything about financial support then?

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 20:26

@MeanMrMustardSeed @CherryRoulade sorry, I don’t think I made it clear in my OP that the baby wasn’t planned. But he has been supportive and excited from the start. Nothing has been agreed yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 20:28

@MeanMrMustardSeed no, not specifically. He has stated that he’ll support me and will ‘help as much as he can’ but he hasn’t specifically mentioned maintenance. I will talk to him about it, I just want to make sure it’s not an unreasonable request first.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 14/02/2021 20:28

You need to sit down and discuss what each of you expect/want to happen wrt work, childcare split and finances. Don’t present it as you asking for maintenance, present it as you both working out the specifics and practicalities of how you will parent this baby.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 14/02/2021 20:29

Maybe it’s time to make it all official then re arrangements. You could always do the Child Maintenance calculator and go to him and say, this is the amount do you want to do this between ourselves, or shall we keep it business like through official channels. We can re-asses when baby is a year and able to stay over at his place

Have you spoken about a second name? Use yours.

Sumwin1 · 14/02/2021 20:30

Was your plans of going back to work not factored into the discussion of a possible termination? Did he not say he would contribute finically?

I would discuss it with him OP. ASAP. It depends how much of a decent person he is you may need to involve CSA once the baby is born.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 20:32

If he thinks your grabby so be it, if he doesn’t think he should pay for his child, he’s an arsehole and who cares what he thinks. If he refuses to pay, go through CMS.

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 20:32

also look at what benefits you’re entitled to

Crackerofdoom · 14/02/2021 20:33

If you start with the dynamic that this is all your responsibility and he is doing you a favour whenever he helps out, it will be really hard for you to change that.

He is going to be a father and needs to pay towards the maintenance of his child. That is your starting point. Even if he is generous, you need to be able to plan and know how much money you will have for you and the child to live on and not rely on him handing out money when he wants to.

It is absolutely not unreasonable for you to ask him for this.

renallychallenged · 14/02/2021 20:35

Of course he should pay. You can't raise a child on enthusiasm and good will. You need cold hard cash out of his monthly wages for the next 18 years and he needs to realise that now.

I think you should sit down with him and and have thorough discussion about expectations and plans. Write down what you agree and agree to meet every couple of months to review. That way the communication is clear and you both know where you stand.

Do you know how much he earns? If so then go on the CSA website and there is a calculator to show how much maintainence would be due. That's a starting point for your discussions.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 14/02/2021 20:35

Btw OP the time to discuss this is ASAP. He says he’ll help as much as he can and maybe he genuinely means that but experience (and MN) tells me that in reality he’ll be a lot more protective over his money than is appropriate for someone responsible for a child. I’m sorry, but words come easy, backing it up is the hard part. You need to find out now exactly what financial and practical support he will be providing so you can make plans based on that. And also, have a contingency in place just incase he doesn’t follow through.

DinoHat · 14/02/2021 20:35

You’re both having a baby, babies cost money. This is a no brainier.

Insertfunnyname · 14/02/2021 20:42

You need to phrase is as “how are WE going to finance this child.” So he realises this isn’t just you paying but a 50/50 team effort. Maybe sit down with him and work out between you what you think the baby will cost.

Include clothes (entire new wardrobe every 3 months at the start), toys, a roof, electricity, food/milk, nappies, days out, swim lessons, etc. It will be thousands and thousands a year. He needs to have his nose pushed into the numbers.

Original poster
greysa · 14/02/2021 20:43

Thanks everyone. I’m 28 weeks so planning to discuss with him ASAP. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out amicably, I don’t think he will be the type of man to deny the baby anything, but you never really know do you. Baby will be having my surname, and he knows that. I think we need to sit down and talk out the practical side of things once baby is here, and then move onto maintenance. It all feels so far away but I know it’s not really!

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 14/02/2021 20:44

Being a parent means financially supporting your child and not a token amount but the full CMS amount . Start as you mean to go on sharing the parenting where possible but contributing financially.

Dacquoise · 14/02/2021 20:48

Not to be cynical but he may want to be involved now but another partner/wife comes along, possibly more children and your little one might go down the batting order. Don't give away your rights to financial support. Set it up from the beginning.

Ideasplease322 · 14/02/2021 20:50

I am shocked he hasn’t already brought it up because of course He should pay maintenance. He know that.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 14/02/2021 20:51

I don’t think he will be the type of man to deny the baby anything

Of course no one intends to deny their baby anything. The issues arise because it’s not the baby they are paying the money to, it’s the resident parent and little cogs in their brain start to whirr, along with family members whispering in their ear saying things like “how is she asking you for money when I saw her in town getting her nails done/having drinks with her mates/booking a weekend away, clearly she doesn’t need the money/you’re paying her too much” don’t underestimate the influence friends and family can have over someone, and people are just waiting on an excuse not to hand over their money if they think they can justify not doing it. So when you come to him when your baby is 5 asking for more money, on top of the normal maintenance, for school uniform and shoes, you might find yourself facing some resistance. It’s just how it goes a lot of the time OP. Hopefully in your case he is a decent human being capable of rational thought.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 14/02/2021 20:52

Oh, and yes, if/when he gets a new partner, you might find he suddenly decides he’s paying you too much.