To expect child maintenance?

[greysa]

Posting here for traffic.

Currently pregnant, not in a relationship with the father nor were we ever in a relationship. We have the benefit of not having split up or holding any sort of bitterness or resentment that that may have caused. We are friends and he is excited about becoming a dad for the first time. His parents are equally excited and have bought lots for the baby already.

Obviously we don’t live together, but he is adamant that he wants to be as involved as he can be. I have a good job but their maternity policy is rubbish so I will only be getting SMP for my mat leave, and I am anticipating struggling financially to begin with. I’ll probably only be able to return to work part time too, and I assume he will continue to work full time so shared 50/50 custody won’t be feasible.

I’m worried that by bringing up the topic of him paying child maintenance, that he’ll be offended and think I’m implying that he won’t do his fair share if that makes sense. I don’t want him or his family to think I’m being grabby, but I also need to try and plan for how I’m going to manage on my own, at least for the first 6-12 months.

AIBU to expect child maintenance payments to begin with on the basis that he won’t have baby overnight etc and I’ll be doing the majority of the care? I was thinking it could then be reviewed based on how often he has her overnight etc, and how much the parenting is really shared. It’s hard to gauge it at the moment before it actually happens as I’m not 100% sure what will happen with my work, and his. Never thought I’d be in this situation so have absolutely no idea what’s normal or reasonable, and he and his family really have been lovely and supportive and I don’t want to rock the boat if it turns out I am being unreasonable!

financially he expects us to go ‘halves on everything

Here is what you do.
You work out your loss of salary per month during your mat leave. Let’s say that’s £800
You get a quote for a full time nursery place for a small baby (when your 6 weeks at 90% ends). Let’s say £1000 pm
You send him the following message.

‘I don’t feel comfortable leaving plans and practicalities until she is here. Sleep deprived and dealing with a newborn is not the time to be having these conversations. Let’s make a basic plan but allow for some flexibility, that’s the sensible thing.

I’m glad you agree we should split costs 50/50.
From her being 6 weeks old my pay will drop and I will lose £800 pm. We can split this and you can pay me £400pm or we can put her in nursery which would allow me to return to work. The cost of nursery will be £500pm each.
There is also the option for you to take shared parental leave and look after her whilst I return to work? We can work out how much pay you would lose and whether splitting this is possible?

Monthly expenses like nappies, wipes and clothes will be on top of that btw.

I’m so glad you are enthusiastic about being supportive and splitting things equally but I’m worried you’ve maybe underestimated the actual cost and commitment involved so really do think it’s a conversation for now not later.’

@Windchangeface

financially he expects us to go ‘halves on everything

Here is what you do.
You work out your loss of salary per month during your mat leave. Let’s say that’s £800
You get a quote for a full time nursery place for a small baby (when your 6 weeks at 90% ends). Let’s say £1000 pm
You send him the following message.

‘I don’t feel comfortable leaving plans and practicalities until she is here. Sleep deprived and dealing with a newborn is not the time to be having these conversations. Let’s make a basic plan but allow for some flexibility, that’s the sensible thing.

I’m glad you agree we should split costs 50/50.
From her being 6 weeks old my pay will drop and I will lose £800 pm. We can split this and you can pay me £400pm or we can put her in nursery which would allow me to return to work. The cost of nursery will be £500pm each.
There is also the option for you to take shared parental leave and look after her whilst I return to work? We can work out how much pay you would lose and whether splitting this is possible?

Monthly expenses like nappies, wipes and clothes will be on top of that btw.

I’m so glad you are enthusiastic about being supportive and splitting things equally but I’m worried you’ve maybe underestimated the actual cost and commitment involved so really do think it’s a conversation for now not later.’

^ This.

@greysa I don’t think you should wait until she is here to figure it out either.

I won’t see him til the birth if I do that.

Do you want to see him? It sounds like you are hoping for more than just a co parenting relationship here OP.

Also, if you don’t see him until the birth if you don’t involve him doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know about how much he wants to be involved?

I imagine he won’t take it super well but you need to be firm and up front. I know you won’t actually want to put her in nursery at 6 weeks but you need to show that as the ‘other option’ because right now the ‘other option’ is you staying at home with her and losing hundreds of pounds a month whilst he buys her a pack of nappies and thinks he’s doing you a favour!

He thinks splitting costs ‘equally’ just applies to the cot/pram and baby items I guarantee it!
I have no doubt he will change his mind very quickly when the reality of ‘splitting things equally’ is a £600pm commitment!

I suspect you won’t push it because you want to keep things nice and smoothed over with him and his family. But I hate when women let men get away with thinking they contribute equally when in reality it’s not even close!

OK so turn it round.
Your child ideally needs to have contact with both parents.
Initially, if you're breastfeeding that's every night at yours (read up on how expressing can give you mastitis - avoid at all costs) but baby sees dad in the day. How many days?
Once overnight breastfeeding stops, then it will change. A transition period to 1 night a week then more.
Both your lives will change. He may be looking to do 50/50 (no maintenance) he may not.
If you don't get some pretty thoughtful responses in next week or so make your CMS claim. Laid back charmers, however lovely, do not seem to be reliable at these kind of payments.

This should all have been discussed and sorted out before you embarked on this project. What he says now and hat he does a year or even 10 years from now could be very different. He may meet a partner and everything changes. Realistically you may only get statutory maintenance.

I would wait until the baby is due then see what happens. If he doesn't start giving you money then go for the CMS.
Tell him you were made to by the health visitor or something as you told her you were a single parent.
I'm guessing he will buy the odd packet of nappies and a packet of babygrows and bring them round to you and think that's his contribution.
As baby gets older he will take her out for the day and buy her an ice cream and again will think that's his contribution.

@JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority I would like to maintain a friendship with him, yes. Absolutely do not want to be romantically involved with him at all. But we agreed to be friends and it feels like he can’t be arsed doing that anymore. I also do want him at the birth but again, I need to feel comfortable with him which I’ve also told him already.

I’ll see what his eventual response is, but I do think I’ll need to be a bit firmer like the above example message because I just don’t think he is getting it.

Yes you do need to be a lot firmer, he doesn’t get it. Or doesn’t want to. It will be interesting to see his response. I predict anger and stropping.

Going halves on everything? Has he looked at the price of nursery? You seem to be doing all the financial planning here in terms of dropping your working hours etc, which I understand as a way to balance baby and work but you will be worse off longer term.

You should send him a few links to nurseries and then monthly maintenance will look like a bargain to him. £400 a month will sound a lot to him but he needs to realise it would not even pay for a fortnight at nursery (where I am). If he complains about maintenance, just ask him if he realises how much nursery costs a day!

The other thing to be wary of is that him paying maintenance is completely separate to how much contact he has. Contact needs to be in the child’s best interest. The maintenance follows the contact, ie you decide what is best for the child and adjust the maintenance accordingly, not he gets x contact because he pays maintenance (hope that last bit makes sense!).

@greysa

I’ve just read your replies. I feel so sorry for you, having a baby is such a big and scary thing and he’s not pulling his weight. Do you have other real life support?

Why do you want him at the birth?

Because you think he is the best person to support you and advocate for you when you are vulnerable and in pain? Or because you feel you owe him the experience?

Good luck, my ex said he would go halves on things then just stopped seeing my daughter. He now pays £7 a week. I think things may be amicable now but see how long that lasts...

I would also look at other possibilities for a birth partner eg your mum or a close friend

@Playnoh I do. My family are very supportive, as are his, and I have close friends who joke that this baby will have multiple mums so I am well supported. I just hope for baby’s sake that he does the right thing, as he keeps saying he will. Just feels like it’s all words at this point. There’s no initiative on his part so far, it’s always me having to prompt and suggest and ask and remind.

@user1654236589623652 in all honesty, it’s mostly because he wants to be there. I’m not sure how much of a support he will be in reality. I’ve already said that I’m happy for him to be there, but only if I feel comfortable. At this rate, and with how difficult he’s being, I’ll be having my best friend there instead. I don’t want to hold it over him like some sort of threat, but I really need him to be more supportive for me to have him as my birthing partner.

Oh god don’t have a relative stranger as your birthing partner!

@greysa

I’m glad your family are supportive. That’s good news. You may need to start thinking he won’t be there for you and if he is it’s a nice bonus. Try and make a plan on how you can do it alone if he won’t make a plan with you. Having a plan (even if it’s not perfect) may make you feel better and more in control.

Bloody hell NO do not have him as a birth partner!!!

He isn’t a partner
He doesn’t know you
You need someone there you trust and can relax with. And someone you can trust to advocate for you. Which is not someone who argues the toss on what time you should leave for YOUR OWN SCAN because he doesn’t like being told what to do!

Do not, do not, do not have him there.

If you end up feeling like shit because he clearly isn’t in a position to truly have your back, and you end up having a difficult or obstructed labour because you’re stressed - that’s a really hard thing to live with.

Sorry to hone in on one particular point but you don’t have to pay for your company car or fuel while on maternity leave if you don’t do that while you’re in work (if that makes sense).

I would be careful about suggesting that you could go back to work at 6 weeks (assuming you don’t want to). It could shoot you in the foot if he decides his parents/sister/cousin could do the childcare for free.

I don't think nurseries take babies at 6 weeks old. You sound very young and naive. Have you thought this through properly.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff I actually don’t have any sort of formal agreement re; fuel. I was told verbally not to take the piss, so if I were to travel 100s of miles on holiday then I should put my own fuel in. And pre lockdown I would stick a token £20 a month in for personal use. So assumed as it will all be personal that I should foot the fuel bill when I’m off?

@Shelby2010 @Viviennemary I won’t be suggesting or considering going back to work when baby is 6 weeks old. I think the PP point was for him to actually consider the reality of the situation. I’m almost 30, I wouldn’t say young but perhaps a little naive as like I’ve said, I didn’t expect to find myself in this situation and feel that I’m very much learning things as I go along. I’m trying to make myself as informed as possible.

Have you not got a contract from work at all? Because I’d be bloody worried they’ll take advantage of that