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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift disappointment

253 replies

OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 14:24

AIBU to be annoyed by my Valentine's Day gift. For context I got him his favourite posh chocs and also a coat that he's always wanted but thought was too expensive to treat himself to. He was thrilled.

He got me... sexy underwear. I'd be underwhelmed at the best of times because I think that's a gift for the guy not the girl really. And I'm sure I've told him that I'm not keen on undies as a present before.

But also. We recently found out that I'm pregnant, and so tbh it's the last thing I want. I appreciate that he bought before we knew but couldn't he have returned it and got something else when we found out? Or maybe saved in for a later (disappointing) year.

He really built it up as well saying he'd put loads of thought in and I'd love it and he couldn't wait for me to open. Frankly it feels totally thoughtless and I'd rather have had nothing at all.

He keeps suggesting I try it on and it's just leaving me totally cold. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 14/02/2021 21:23

@Crayfishforyou

Hurray for sitting down and having a conversation like adults. I was going to suggest smacking him round the face with the mop but that clearly isn’t necessary. Happy Valentine’s Day!
GrinGrinGrin was very tempted!
OP posts:
BadLad · 14/02/2021 22:35

@Eleganz

I do love the annual MN threads about valentine's gifts. Expectations seem to get higher each year and less romantic at the same time. Valentine's Day is supposed to be about romance, not a second birthday.

A coat is pretty boring and unromantic. Not sure why OP should expect better from her DH to be honest. Sexy underwear is a bit naff, but at least it is on brand.

The Grand Slam for this kind of thread is Christmas, Valentine's Day and Mothers' Day.
Sceptre86 · 14/02/2021 22:48

I don't understand some of the responses you have had. You are disappointed because he has been thoughtless and chosen something you wouldn't enjoy at this time. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. I also don't think buying your partner a coat is out, clearly some posters don't bother with Valentine's day, fair enough but the op does! Its the thought behind a present that males it worthwhile. It looks like his heart was in the right place as he wanted ro make you feel loved and special just was off the mark this time. Hopefully he will do better next year. The mop comments, though that would piss me off.

Sceptre86 · 14/02/2021 22:49

*not out ott

Zevia · 14/02/2021 23:01

For Valentine's Day, I'd say sexy underwear is a better gift than a coat tbh.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 14/02/2021 23:21

Oh good a very un-mumsnet happy ending following a grown up conversation and compromise.
FWIW DH did something very similar. Pre-pregnancy I had my eye on a very nice but quite pricy set of underwear, we'd just paid for our wedding and honeymoon and we're saving for having a baby so it was a splurge too far for me.
I feel pregnant fairly quickly after honeymoon and I was about 4 months and nicely rounded by my birthday. DH had taken a sneaky look at some comfy underwear I'd bought myself and bought the much coveted underwear in that size as a gift. (It was pretty rather than overtly sexy so not a present for himself). I opened the box and burst into tears, it made me feel fat and like I wasn't the person I was before. DH was horrified. Luckily he very quickly asserted that he much preferred me naked than in any lingerie anyway, and was sorry and he thought it was what I wanted. It was well intentioned but missed the mark. I think they have no idea what being pregnant does to the way you feel about yourself and your body.

BrowncoatWaffles · 15/02/2021 01:43

So glad to hear a reasoned discussion happened with a good and happy outcome off the back of it before any need to LTB!

I’m now off to start a band called Valentine’s Sex Chicken...

JosephineBaker · 15/02/2021 02:05

Lovely to hear it’s all resolved and he has apologised for Mopgate.

Had he not, I’d have suggested returning the lingerie and using the money for a new patio...
Wink

takingwhatineed · 15/02/2021 02:24

Ahh, it sounds like he thought it would be a hit with you, but he missed the mark. His ego is
probably a bit bruised. He tried though.
I'd definitely have preferred the lingerie over a mop ;) but then I love sexy underwear and wear it for myself. I'd also like a nice coat too - so I'm easily pleased Grin

MechantGourmet · 15/02/2021 02:53

@SleepingStandingUp

Maybe some of your annoyance is down to hormones, or maybe he has form for being selfish, we don't know. But if this is how he normally behaves I really don't advise becoming a parent with him. Are you actually suggesting op should have an abortion because of this?
No. I'm suggesting she leaves him and raises her child by herself. I can't believe anyone would think someone would post that! WTH is wrong with you?

I asked if it was a regular thing, him being selfish and thoughtless. If it is, trying to coparent is going to be a nightmare. Going it alone can actually be a more positive experience than being miserable with a selfish arse of a partner.

Anyway, it's resolved now.

Savethewhales · 15/02/2021 02:56

I got pyjamas and I'm grateful for them, it was thoughtful gift as I come off nightshift I can just get into my new jamkies, but then again I also appriciate socks too. I'm sure your partner meant well, men think women get horny during pregnancy, maybe some but most don't. Keep the underwear for after the baby is born and you are feeling more yourself.

Original poster
OnceUponAThread · 15/02/2021 09:31

@BrowncoatWaffles

So glad to hear a reasoned discussion happened with a good and happy outcome off the back of it before any need to LTB!

I’m now off to start a band called Valentine’s Sex Chicken...

GrinGrinGrin amazing band name
OP posts:
Davros · 15/02/2021 15:01

I hope Valentines Sex Chicken will be rehearsed and ready for their debut MN-invitation only gig. Put me on the guest list!

Shona52 · 15/02/2021 17:23

My answer would have been and where's my gift now

jwpetal · 15/02/2021 17:26

This year I bought myself a beautiful vase and 2 dozen roses delivered on valentines day. I am so pleased. I did not need more than that. I did it because every year I get a poor gift. So I had something to look forward to. What did my other half get me? Why, a lamp. Not just any lamp but a bronze horse lamp. the bronze was because it was also our 19th anniversary. I am not a horse person. Never wanted the a lamp. I have my flowers. Had him return the lamp. I am the most happy. Next year, buy yourself something that makes you happy.

Insertcreativenamehere · 15/02/2021 17:31

OP from your last updates it sounds like you and partner have a very normal, grown up, functional relationship. The way you have both compromised is heartwarming and others should take note on how it’s done!! Wishing you both the best of luck with your pregnancy xx

Harmonypuss · 15/02/2021 17:34

Don't teenage boys buy sexy underwear because they want to get off on it rather than anyone older and who've been in a relationship for several years?

I understand this gift was bought before the pregnancy was discovered but even so, sexy underwear must certainly DOES NOT need any extensive thought or planning, so if tell him to return it.

Flowers and chocolates don't take much thought either but considering the fact that my partner and I have just had our 7th valentines day and I'm still waiting to receive my first card/gift, I personally would have been grateful for flowers or chocs.

My advice is to stand your ground, refuse to 'model' this thoughtless gift for him and make him return it for a refund. He could then give you the cash to go and buy those Bridgettes that would be far more comfortable and appropriate.

Good luck with the pregnancy too xx

harrypotterhitachiwand · 15/02/2021 17:35

Wrap up a Hitachi wand and give that to him for Valentine's Day next year Wink

P.S. I haven't RTFT but sounds like it's all been smoothed over so nice one on that OP!

Melonmango70 · 15/02/2021 17:49

On our second Xmas together my husband was really excited about giving me my present - he was bouncing around and begged me to open it, he was so excited. It was a bottle of Baileys (boxed). I cried. I was absolutely devastated, haha! Honestly, I couldn't believe it. He was genuinely perplexed though, he really and truly thought I would love it and couldn't understand why I was so disappointed. He also bought one for his sister and his mum, which made it worse! I feel your pain! Men. They don't get it....

nancywhitehead · 15/02/2021 17:50

Valentine's day is a weird one isn't it. I would never buy my partner a coat for Valentine's as to me that seems more like a birthday/ christmas kind of thing. I see Valentine's day as more about romance (and maybe you husband is similar?) so sexy underwear from my partner would be lovely and would make me feel desirable. I would want something directly about our relationship, romance, things we could do together, not just "a thing I wanted".

But I do think if you've explicitly told him that you're not into it, it was a bit weird of him to buy it for you! He could have gone for flowers, chocolates, a nice meal or just done something nice for you instead.

twinmum2007 · 15/02/2021 17:56

YABU. Valentines is for suckers. Total waste of money and emotional energy. It's just another way of retailers parting us from our money. Been with my DH 30 years and have never bothered with it. Don't do mothers day/fathers day for the same reason.

LittleCatDog · 15/02/2021 17:56

@JosephineBaker

Lovely to hear it’s all resolved and he has apologised for Mopgate.

Had he not, I’d have suggested returning the lingerie and using the money for a new patio...
Wink

Haha patio, brilliant!

From listening to men chat at work they tend to all equate pregnancy and having a baby with never having sex with their wife again or at least not for a loooong time. Maybe he was freaking out about that? Who knows what goes through their heads. I feel for you though, pregnancy is hard and putting on something like that is the last thing you want to do, even if you did pre-pregnancy. He might have reacted badly when you spoke to him because he realised he’d been an idiot. I’m sure he will get you something to make up for it. Good luck with your pregnancy and congrats!

Ddot · 15/02/2021 18:01

🤬

Covidwedding123 · 15/02/2021 18:03

What!! I’d love underwear from Agent Provocateur or the like. I don’t understand why you would be offended by this.

Will you not benefit from the chocolates you bought him ? Is he complaining that is insensitive?

Maybe you don’t feel like wearing it now, so just tell him you feel a bit bloated, but I think you are being really unappreciative.

thenovice · 15/02/2021 18:17

Swap them for some Bridget Jones comfy pants.

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