Mad about this lie

[tigertubbie]

5 years ago my dh had his stag do in Amsterdam - went with about 15 mates including my younger brother. Dh was approaching his 40s, db was in his early 20s at the time.

A few weeks after, me, dh, dhs friend (went on the stag do and dhs friend's partner were having dinner together and we were asking how the stag do went, what they did etc. and the conversation of prostitution came up and whether anyone on the stag do had visited a prostitute. The guys looked sheepish so me and friend pushed them on it and dh then told me that it was my db who had visited a prostitute.

I've been pretty grossed out about this and thought less of my db ever since. He had a gf at the time and it made me subconsciously write off their relationship and think my db was a selfish person. I was just disappointed really.

Last night we were having a takeaway and drinks with my other db and his wife and were all pretty tipsy. Somehow the topic of Amsterdam came up and I turned to db and said did you know that db2 went to a prostitute on dhs stag do? Db was like, wtf, I can't believe he would do something like that, and then dh jumped in with "oh I made that up"

Apparently it had been another married friend of theirs and he didn't want to tell me, so instead he told me it was my brother. And all these years I have thought that without him bothering to tell me the truth- even though the married friend has since split with his wife.

I had cross words with him after db and sil left and went off angry to bed. Dh says this is a total over reaction and can't see why I'm so angry. Is he unreasonable or am I?

@Soontobe60 Nope, try google. Can bubble with another household.

Although that's not the reason from OPs update

One thing that stands out to me is that your DH thinks you over reacted when your dB went down in your estimation because you thought he’d paid a woman to have sex.

He doesn’t think it’s as big a deal as you do - he probably thinks it isn’t a big deal at all if there’s no partner to be cheating on (and even then may be it’s basically - come on, it’s one night and not a proper affair, they were just having fun...). And most likely many of the guys that went on the stag do think the same.

I think it’s unlikely it wasn’t on their agenda when they booked. I don’t mean That they necessarily had time pencilled in to go do it, just that every single one of the men going will have thought “ohh, Amsterdam, prostitution’s legal there. Hmmm...”

I was a police officer years ago. We used to get quite a few arrests of Johns and most were very normal men who wouldn’t have looked out of place in the pub, at church, or at a back garden bbq. About 1 in 10 men have paid for sex, many of them will have done so only in one off opportunities like a stag do.

@Mrgrinch

I agree with you that if you're not happy for your future husband to go on a stag do to Amsterdam and they went anyway it's a very good reason to walk away from the relationship. I'd still put forward that she didn't allow it to happen but accepted it. And, therefore, any consequences that may have (or not) happened. The use of the word 'allow' can be construed as controlling and an imbalance in the relationship. Which I wouldn't project from one snapshot of someone's life.

@Mrgrinch

Well you were stupid to allow a 'stag do' in Amsterdam. What did you think they were going to do? They most likely all did.

To be honest I wouldn't have gone ahead with a marriage to the type of person who would go on a holiday with a bunch of men with the sole mission of getting drunk/high and cheating on their spouses.

It's not really for the OP to allow or disallow

@Soontobe60

I think you should keep your nose out. If your brother or some other man paid someone for sex whilst on a stag do, its not your concern. Presumably your db is an adult, and can make his own decisions? How does it actually affect you?

Because men who pay for sex are grim and it’s perfectly reasonable to want to make decisions based around character.

Years ago DH was part of a wedding party, big group of mainly school friends, I wasn’t part of the wives/girlfriends group and DH didn’t go on the stag as I was in labour. They ended up at what was ultimately a sex show (in the U.K.) and were discussing it at the wedding. A big group of men with a few women who were not part of the school friend group present, laughing about how the groom and one of the ushers had had oral sex off strippers.

I’ve seen those men many times over the years and they revolt me. Professional men living “normal” lives with wives and DC who thought nothing of behaving like that and then joking about it at the wedding.

@Rayn

My ex husband and brother went to Amsterdam. Found out years later they both visited a prostitute whilst there. Covered for each other. For me if it's a stag then you only choose Amsterdam for one reason. However your husband may be more of a gentleman than them but something is been covered up. You don't make that shit up for no reason!

Nah. I'm a feller, and have been with friends to both Amsterdam (football tour) and Prague (stag).

As far as I'm aware, no-one had sex with any prostitutes, but it depends on who you choose to knock about with, I suppose.

And it very much sounds like the OP is in a booze and takeaway bubble. Not cool.

@barretbonden

I simply do not believe that British men go to Amsterdam, or Prague, on stag dos, with anything other than an expectation that they will have sex with a prostitute. They sure as shit don't go there for the culture. Beer, drugs, can be had easily on British soil. It's the opportunity to make use of prostitutes without the risk of being seen or arrested, that is the only possible reason they go.

I disagree Drugs are legal in Amsterdam, they are not in the UK Lots of professional people couldn't risk having even a caution for drug possession here but will happily use drugs in The Netherlands where it is not an offence.

I really didn't bat an eye about where my dh went on his stag do. I've been to Amsterdam many times on the "booze cruise ". There is a lot to do in Amsterdam other than sex - including waffles and cycling. I didn't disallow or disapprove, just was like ok bye have a nice time. Maybe I was a cool wife... until this morning. This morning is the opposite of cool.

Bro has some information:

@Mrgrinch

Well you were stupid to allow a 'stag do' in Amsterdam. What did you think they were going to do? They most likely all did.

To be honest I wouldn't have gone ahead with a marriage to the type of person who would go on a holiday with a bunch of men with the sole mission of getting drunk/high and cheating on their spouses.

“Allow”?

Another one here who believes it was your husband that visited the prostitute.

Perhaps your brother knew about it and so your husband lied as he knew that you would distance yourself from your brother. More chance of it not coming out that way.

Db was like, wtf, I can't believe he would do something like that, and then dh jumped in with "oh I made that up"

Surely your husband jumped in with that out of sheer PANIC that the truth is going to come out now?

Ie, that takeaway and drinks brother is now inevitably going to say to Amsterdam brother, "can't believe you shagged a prostitute on Mr Tigertubble's stag do!" and Amsterdam brother is going to respond:

1. "No I didn't, it was Mr Tigertubble who shaged the prostitute"

OR

1. "Yes, I did. But so did Mr Tigertubble. I ain't keeping his secret if he ain't keeping mine!"

Good luck, OP.

I am often told that I am naive and a couple of weeks ago I suggested to my friends/ quiz bubble group ( mostly married couples) that when this is all over and we’re allowed out again maybe we should all go to Amsterdam, possibly next spring. I did have canals, museums and tulips in mind, nothing else, reading this though I am wondering WHAT my friends think I want to travel to Amsterdam for! 🤦‍♀️
I hope your discussion this morning will bring clarity and that you can trust your husband again OP

There are also escape rooms. Waffles, tulips, and escape rooms

It's totally none of my business but I think that is a truly shit thing for your DH to do- lie about your brother.

whatever the truth is about who really did it.

I might be in the minority but I think you were unfair for agreeing to such a stag do then grilling them on their return. That doesn’t show any trust at all. I also think reacting so strongly to something you thought your brother did in his private life was judgemental.

Well you were stupid to allow a 'stag do' in Amsterdam. What did you think they were going to do?

I am still laughing at that one.

So I am guessing you would also "forbid" your partner to go skying in Switzerland or Austria, gambling in Nevada, on a beach holiday in Spain or Greece...

@tigertubbie

There are also escape rooms. Waffles, tulips, and escape rooms

Am I reading those texts correctly, OP?

Is Amsterdam brother upset with you for gossiping about him to Takeaway brother? (I would be)

Hmmmm.......I think you know the answer & I feel sorry for you because it’s not likely to be the outcome you want. You’re making excuses for him as well. Of course a bunch of lads don’t choose to go to Amsterdam for waffles. C’mon. The sooner you square up to the reality the better prepared you’ll be to handle this.

Reading those messages makes it worse! Your lucky your brother is still talking to you! You clearly thought so little of him!

@barretbonden

I simply do not believe that British men go to Amsterdam, or Prague, on stag dos, with anything other than an expectation that they will have sex with a prostitute. They sure as shit don't go there for the culture. Beer, drugs, can be had easily on British soil. It's the opportunity to make use of prostitutes without the risk of being seen or arrested, that is the only possible reason they go.

I think you're probably right!

You look close to your brother (albeit not close enough to say WTF have you done at the time), would he not have told you if your husband had shagged a prostitute? Quite a family betrayal if he didn’t.

So I doubt he’s done it but your husband lying about your brother is shit, he needs a morning of hell just for that alone.

so why do you think women go for HEN NIGHTS in Amsterdam?
To get a prostitute too?

Okay just to clear something up, obviously 'allow' was a poor choice of word. I left school at 12 give me a break. I am not blaming anything on the OP.

All I was saying is that if my DH would have mentioned going, I'd have been against it. If he had then gone anyway, it would have been enough for me to call off the marriage. Not saying everyone needs to think the same, that's my opinion.

It was your husband.

You were wrong to mention it (true or not).

You won’t find out the truth now!

barretbonden - nasty thing to say