Mad about this lie

[tigertubbie]

5 years ago my dh had his stag do in Amsterdam - went with about 15 mates including my younger brother. Dh was approaching his 40s, db was in his early 20s at the time.

A few weeks after, me, dh, dhs friend (went on the stag do and dhs friend's partner were having dinner together and we were asking how the stag do went, what they did etc. and the conversation of prostitution came up and whether anyone on the stag do had visited a prostitute. The guys looked sheepish so me and friend pushed them on it and dh then told me that it was my db who had visited a prostitute.

I've been pretty grossed out about this and thought less of my db ever since. He had a gf at the time and it made me subconsciously write off their relationship and think my db was a selfish person. I was just disappointed really.

Last night we were having a takeaway and drinks with my other db and his wife and were all pretty tipsy. Somehow the topic of Amsterdam came up and I turned to db and said did you know that db2 went to a prostitute on dhs stag do? Db was like, wtf, I can't believe he would do something like that, and then dh jumped in with "oh I made that up"

Apparently it had been another married friend of theirs and he didn't want to tell me, so instead he told me it was my brother. And all these years I have thought that without him bothering to tell me the truth- even though the married friend has since split with his wife.

I had cross words with him after db and sil left and went off angry to bed. Dh says this is a total over reaction and can't see why I'm so angry. Is he unreasonable or am I?

I reported this but MN confirmed they're happy to let it stand & that OP isn't a troll.

Which is fair enough.

So on that basis OP I'm curious that you are seemingly indifferent to the possibility (likelihood) that your DH slept with a prostitute shortly before your marriage.

I take it there's a back story? I know you've said there are other issues eg with his lifestyle choices but it also sounds like you're not happy with him anyway?

I know why it bothers you re the lie about your DB but for most people, this wouldn't be preoccupying them at the moment. Most people would be pretty devastated there was strong evidence of infidelity of this nature coming to the fore?

What's your plan to address this with your H?

Sounds like it was either your DH or his friend who was round your house. Why would he lie about another friend?

Either way you won't get the truth now. But yes I'd be very upset he'd do that and it would make me question his character. If he can lie about this for so long...

I just re-read the what's app exchange. I still find it baffling that he was so cool about you casually what's apping him to say 'hey did you sleep with a prostitute 5 years ago?' 😳

Why didn't you call him?

I just cannot imagine having that exchange with my brother. I can't imagine either of my brothers typing a reasoned, crafted response, all punctuation perfectly intact, about this topic.

If I did think something like this, I'd be on the phone, big explanatory preamble & saying how I felt, apologising before I even asked.

I get family dynamics are different. And we've been assured this thread is genuine. But I still can't get over the exchange on what's app, it seems utterly unbelievable to me. Sorry OP.

If you want the TLDR version. The husband did it the wife is trying to down play it now.
The whole thing will probably get deleted.

I think it’s weird that anyone views using a prostituted woman as just sex. That’s the weirdest part of this entire thread to me.

@hannayeah

I think it’s weird that anyone views using a prostituted woman as just sex. That’s the weirdest part of this entire thread to me.

Who has said that?

Sounds like the writing is on the wall for your marriage because your DH isn't the partner you want at this stage in life. You have completely outgrown him.

@tigertubbie

Well "meh" is an understatement. But the lying bothers me more than a drunken sexual act. The lie lingered a lot longer than that.

To be honest I'm just at that point with my dh where I'm just so not arsed to be fuming. I thought I would be when he got up. But looking at him so pathetic when he got up out of bed I just thought "you know what mate you really aren't that worth it are you?" And don't even have it in me to start a massive row with our dd around and spend the energy on arguing back and forth. And for what? I'm locked in with this toad. He clearly isn't a nice person in whichever scenario is the truth.

I'm more mad about the lies concerning my brother. I think some posters are right - I've treated him badly and I'm mad at myself for believing the lies and damaging the relationship with him.

You sound like you have reached a point in your relationship where you should really think about leaving OP. You're not locked in with him, you can get out, and you don't seem to love him or respect him. I wouldn't either, but your mistake is thinking you don't need to do anything about it.

It’s also weird that the daily fail nicks a thread about a guy not getting in touch a day later but doesn’t take this thread that reminds me of that old American tv show “Soap”.

OP did. She wrote effectively that she might not get worked up about him potentially having drunken sex long ago.

But it’s not that, is it? Paying to have sex with someone who is likely being trafficked, likely unable to truly consent for economic reasons, unlikely to enjoy it. Is abuse.

I don’t know if I could forgive someone lying about something so serious.

Suspect DH is too stupid to recognize what he accused his BIL of doing, of being. Like it’s an ok thing to do if you aren’t in a relationship.

Not everyone on a stag do abroad cheats some women have really low opinions of men in general. If you don’t trust your OH to go on holiday with mates then what’s the point in having a relationship?? That’s meant for some of the other posters BTW, in OPs situation it does sound dodgy and as if the husband is the one who slept with a prostitute. Yes some blokes do but to say that all 15 of them probably did is ott.

Honestly, I can't be going through all of the ins and outs when half the people are troll hunters and trying to pick holes in every single statement. That's my relationship with my brother - that's just the way it is.

My husband is a dick. Just shouted at me and told me to duck off because I've eaten his hummus. I don't know how long I can keep my cool but like I said, my dd is here and she doesn't need the drama. So I'm just keeping a lid on it for now.

Of all the things I've learned today though, is that Mumsnet has truly gone down the drain. Posting on aibu is a risky business at the best of the time but you take the brutal honesty as it comes. But if you are going to get reported to hq for just asking for an opinion it's just not worth being here. Absolutely crap for the people who actually originally were here for fun and advice.

Weird trolling accusations... I talk to my brother like that all the time (well, I use Bro, not Bruv but the points the same!) I'd also ask him the same type of q's as we're close - only family.

@Pissoff2020

Not everyone on a stag do abroad cheats some women have really low opinions of men in general. If you don’t trust your OH to go on holiday with mates then what’s the point in having a relationship?? That’s meant for some of the other posters BTW, in OPs situation it does sound dodgy and as if the husband is the one who slept with a prostitute. Yes some blokes do but to say that all 15 of them probably did is ott.

@EarringsandLipstick

Here’s another example of what I mean. Cheating.

No, it’s not just cheating we are talking about. Abuse. And I don’t believe anyone has plausible deniability here and can pretend to think RLD women are just happily working in a job they enjoy while paying off their tuition.

I'm sat here in a huff wondering how I'm going to spend my Sunday to shake my bad mood.

I'd be looking on Pinterest for redecoration ideas once I get the unlovely husband out of the house.

But the whole concoction of a lie about my brother is the thing that bothers me the most. It's like a whole sneaky construction that involved someone 20 years younger than him to cover his/his friends tracks, with no regard for the consequences, that makes it worse than just a bit of fun in Amsterdam.

I get what you're saying.

Your DH had no respect for your relationship with your brother. He was happy to wreck it.

I would really find that unforgiveable as both my brothers are really important people in my life.

@tigertubbie

I'm going to leave you to it.

I responded in good faith (about your relationship with DH) but you've ignored that & now are on about shouting over hummus 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok.

You've chosen not to engage so...

Probably because you're calling her a liar @EarringsandLipstick

"And we've been assured this thread is genuine. But I still can't get over the exchange on what's app, it seems utterly unbelievable to me".

FWIW apart from the bruv, sis stuff, I'd text my brother stuff like this. I would never ever have texted and said, I've never looked at you the same way. Never. But I told OP my opinion on that, that it's cruel and selfish and she responded.

Presumably because I didn't call her a liar or go on about her takeaway bubble.

OP apologise to your brother. Tell him of course you look at him the same and that came out wrong. If it was me I'd value my brothers relationship with me more than your dick of a husbands and show him that by packing his bag today.

Some people need time to process their emotions.

I can be completely calm in the moment. Then 3 days later realise I am furious.

OP sounds like someone who has learned to swallow emotions and try to keep the peace.
Not everyone reacts the way to shocking news as you’d expect. OP you may find your rage hits you unexpectedly in a few days. Hope you have some real life support.

I don't know why people are obsessed with this being a troll?

From reading your posts op it sounds like you have bigger issues than this one thing. Your husband sounds like a childish dik. It's really embarrassing he's talking about bro code at his age. Also if he actually believes that shit that's even worse.

I think the stuff you said about him previously seeming exciting but it's wearing thin now makes me think this sort of annoying childish shit is going to happen a lot.

Oh for goodness sake @DavidsSchitt

Probably because you're calling her a liar

I have done no such thing. If you read (can you?) I reported that I'd had confirmation from MN they were happy with this thread / poster.

I asked re her relationship with her DH, which perplexes me. (She hasn't responded)

I also questioned the nature of her exchange with her brother. Word 'liar' never mentioned. I did say that for something as huge as this to text & not call, and for both to be so breezy, was really odd to me.

So, an opinion. OP could have addressed that if she wished.

It doesn’t seem completely made up but I didn’t think the text conversation rung true, mainly because of the repeated use of bruv and sis and the under reaction from bruv.

@tigertubbie

My first brother doesn't know he took the flack. Dh told me I shouldn't mention it and it's not something I ever fancied talking to him about. "Hey db you cheated on your gf and went to a hooker" I never mentioned it again until last night when db2 was there and we were talking about all wanting to go to Amsterdam again, dreaming of pre Covid times.

To be fair there are loads of great things about Amsterdam aside from the red light district. There are great music concerts - everyone on the stag do also went to a concert while they were there. And if you like drugs (we did enjoy a bit back then, now not do much) the quality and setting is so much better. It's also the most obvious and cheapest destination abroad for weekend breaks from our area of the UK reachable by boat for 40 quid per person. But yes, when a group of males go it is also an obvious question to ask if anyone went to the red light district.

I do think you're DH is still lying but why did you drop your younger brother in it with your other brother?

I would be interested to know why dh suddenly felt the urge to come clean? I think @hannayeah has it right when she said your husband was scared your older brother would mention it to your younger brother, who would then say "Me, he said I slept with a prostitute? It was him!".

If the lie was to cover for the man who was there with his wife when she first lied he would have told you afterwards.

Your dh is a liar - that is indisputable regardless of who didn't/did visit a prostitute. I wouldn't be able to forgive him for affecting my relationship with my brother for five years.