AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

Same applies to women who choose to have one night stands and enjoy them. They shouldn't be told that their body is a "wank sock". Their personal choices should equally be respected.

I don't think people are judging choices, just that OP is seeking more than casual sex, and that's also okay. The wording is crude, but it is true that there isn't much respect flying around from either party during a ONS as you don't know the person. For me that was part of the appeal when I was younger, both parties enjoy sex but without the rest!

BibbityBobbety

I’m not going to continue a debate with you about someone’s else’s boundaries and what they should do. I don’t think it’s helpful. The OP should do what makes her feel safe and comfortable.

@adventurealice

Sex is at the forefront of long term and serious relationships. If you’re not interested then split up

Speak for yourself

@AStudyinPink

You're the one who started this debate by directly criticising something I said to the OP. I think it would have been useful if you'd considered then that everyone has their own opinion and if you don't agree, ignore it, as the OP is adult enough to pick and choose what works for her.

Read all the thread. You and he are incompatible. You want different things. He also sounds creepy and sex pesty. Move on!

I think it would have been useful if you'd considered then that everyone has their own opinion and if you don't agree, ignore it, as the OP is adult enough to pick and choose what works for her.

Except that I wasn’t taking issue with you saying what works for you. That’s fine. I was taking issue with you telling the OP what she should feel.

@astudyinpink

Every poster here is telling the OP what she should think and feel and do. That's what the OP has asked for. And we've all based it on our individual experiences. That's the advantage of an Internet forum...

Every poster here is telling the OP what she should think and feel and do. That's what the OP has asked for. And we've all based it on our individual experiences. That's the advantage of an Internet forum...

Okay.

@AStudyinPink I’m so confused what you’re trying to achieve! So OP should have written her opening post and everyone should have responded “how can we give you advice on anything, who are we to do that”? The whole point of this is that lots of different people give THEIR advice, it’s not like anyone can actually make OP follow it

Sounds like someone has read a lot of theory and not actually done much fucking

Oh noooo @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy thinks I haven't had much sex 😭😭😭 however will I cope with this damaging revelation 😔😔😔 oh wait, I don't care.

The truth hurts for some people I guess 🤷‍♀️especially when the truth is how little men care for women

OP's position on sex and relationships is pretty risky and not just emotionally

I agreed with most of your post except this. I can never be persuaded to understand why a woman waiting for sex until she feels safe, comfortable and like she trusts the man, is 'risky'.

OP should have written her opening post and everyone should have responded “how can we give you advice on anything, who are we to do that”?

I believe any advice that makes black and white statements about how others are going to feel about things is harmful, particularly when it seems to undermine a boundary someone is putting in place to make themselves feel safe.

So challenging that point is what I am trying to “achieve”.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows lol if you’re having a one night stand in the hope of a guy caring about you then yes you will be disappointed

@GreenlandTheMovie

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I'm amazed women think they can afford to allow men to think they shouldn't earn the right, or the trust, to sex, and then have good, safe sex.

That is one manipulative crock of poop right there.

Note all the double negatives too.

What you do with this type of statement is pick out what it is actually saying, disguised in the not-very-convincing waffle, which is men's right to sex.

What double negatives?

I have no idea what you mean in your last line. My point was that men don't have a right to sex, and thinking "they should have to deserve it" is essentially saying they do have a right to sex without putting any effort or trust into the relationship.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows The truth hurts for some people I guess 🤷‍♀️especially when the truth is how little men care for women

Why would that hurt anyone, when most women don't want men like that anyway?

I find women calling themselves wank socks and viewing sex as giving their body to a man very different to my own view. I'm trying to phrase this very neutrally as every woman has a different history with sex which is not always positive and I respect that.

Who called themselves a wank sock?

I'm saying that's how many men see women. That's the truth, and appearing blaze or confident about casual sex doesn't mean he will respect you.

@GreenlandTheMovie

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows The truth hurts for some people I guess 🤷‍♀️especially when the truth is how little men care for women

Why would that hurt anyone, when most women don't want men like that anyway?

You don't have to look far to see how enraged people are when it's suggested more men than we like to think are misogynists.

I suspect it's a little close to the bone for many people and their current relationships

so you've been seeing him for 8 weeks and he shows no respect for you and your opinions, and pressurises you to have sex when you've clearly said you don;t want to?
Why are you still with him?

I'm very sad and sorry women are made to feel that way by some men and grateful that has not been my experienc

Oh do bore off with you faux concern, and I'm not buying the Pat on your back you're giving yourself about how you've avoided shit men and bad sex, not for a minute.

@LouJ85

It’s not odd. It’s a personal choice, just not the one you tend to make.

Same applies to women who choose to have one night stands and enjoy them. They shouldn't be told that their body is a "wank sock". Their personal choices should equally be respected.

I didn't say anyone's body is a wank sock, but that's how many men use women as ONS's. Again, you're deluded if you think there's an equal power balance when going into a sexual relationship, no matter how short lived that relationship is

Can I just say @AStudyinPink your posts are excellent and very eloquent!

If it’s shit at the beginning and you don’t think he puts in effort now, then why would you think it will get better or depends on sex.

He sounds like a waste of time and if you’re getting bad vibes, listen to them.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows lol if you’re having a one night stand in the hope of a guy caring about you then yes you will be disappointed [/quote]
Erm, that was EXACTLY my point, so not quite sure what you're getting at?

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

OP's position on sex and relationships is pretty risky and not just emotionally

I agreed with most of your post except this. I can never be persuaded to understand why a woman waiting for sex until she feels safe, comfortable and like she trusts the man, is 'risky'.

Because she's ignoring the blatant red flags while waiting for him to be "worthy" of sex and only focusing on that. Going by some of the things she said, she shouldn't even be in a relationship with him, much less be intimate. However both of those things happened . Sex or not, she feels shitty now and she will when it ends.

Waiting for sex is not a safety net or a protective behaviour in many cases. It's still too low of a standard.

Hope this makes sense, I rambled on a bit.

@Lightningcrops

Same applies to women who choose to have one night stands and enjoy them. They shouldn't be told that their body is a "wank sock". Their personal choices should equally be respected.

I don't think people are judging choices, just that OP is seeking more than casual sex, and that's also okay. The wording is crude, but it is true that there isn't much respect flying around from either party during a ONS as you don't know the person. For me that was part of the appeal when I was younger, both parties enjoy sex but without the rest!

Yes exactly, that was the appeal for me too in my younger years before I settled down!
There was a comment to the effect of being a man's "wank sock" if you choose to have a ONS, though, which I felt wasn't very respectful.