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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
babyyodaxmas · 14/02/2021 14:16

If I wasn't respected and pleasured I would have left pretty quickly. My experience is that men tend to be on their sexually best and most attentive behaviour with a new partner.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:16

I somehow doubt that there are any men who have ONS purely because the attention of women cheers them up.

There are. I've met them.

ConsuelaHammock · 14/02/2021 14:17

When you meet someone you really want to be with, you won’t be playing any kind of games . Love shouldn’t be this complicated. Move on and find someone who wants the same things as you .

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:18

@honeylulu

What do you think the women are in it for? Women who choose to engage in and enjoy one night stands for what they are - just sex. What are they doing? If not for their own pleasure? This isn't a one way street

I'm sure there are plenty of women who have ONS for pleasure and good for them if they enjoy it. But there are also women who do it because they feel it is validation of their attractiveness and desirability that men want them. And/or that they are being cool/modern/liberated by having casual sex because that's what your supposed to do these days. My friend had 50+ sexual partners before she met her husband. Most of those were ONS. I was really shocked when she said she had never had an orgasm until her husband. I'd assumed she was having ONS for pleasure but she said whilst she really enjoyed the attention she didn't really enjoy the actual sex at all. I was gobsmacked.

I somehow doubt that there are any men who have ONS purely because the attention of women cheers them up.

I find it genuinely sad that some women do it for validation of their attractiveness. Personally this has never been my reason for engaging in a ONS.

PhatPhanny · 14/02/2021 14:20

As patti would say... No sex before monogamy.. Don't give the goods away for free!

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:22

Surely even if you have a ONS you expect to be respected and pleasured?

You can be respected and pleasured during a ONS, though. Causal sex doesn't automatically mean degradation and lack of respect. It's an understanding on both parts that it's just about the act of having sex for mutual pleasure. But it doesn't mean you tolerate shitty behaviour that makes you feel disrespected, either. I don't need to know someone deeply in order to have a basic level of respect for them - I'd have basic respect for a stranger in the street until / unless they gave me cause not to. Some men can and do work to the same principles.

babyyodaxmas · 14/02/2021 14:25

As patti would say... No sex before monogamy.. Don't give the goods away for free!

Sorry I seem to have arrived in 1890

JustAnotherOldMan · 14/02/2021 14:25

If I dated someone for a couple of months with no sex, I wouldn’t be massively put out if the dates were good and enjoyable and the prospect of moving to a sexual relationship was clearly on the horizon, else I might think I was just being used.

If a woman I was dating said “you don’t deserve sex”, she would dropped like a hot potato as that sounds so controlling

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:25

How many of you walked away from a ONS once you had your orgasm but before he came? And do you think the answer would be the same if we asked men "how many ONS did you have where you gave your partner an orgasm after you came?"

This isn't unique to ONS situations, though, as I'm sure you realise. There are many LTRs where a woman feels her partner has become lazy and selfish in bed. So crap sex can exist in LTRs, and good sex can exist in ONSs. And all the shades of grey in between.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:25

Who is Patti?!

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:26

@JustAnotherOldMan used for what exactly?

Hubblebubble75 · 14/02/2021 14:28

I don’t understand all the people berating op for not having sex. I found so many times dating , a guy expected to have sex on date 3 - why ? Every other woman had. Sometimes not being like every other woman before is actually a good thing and weeds out the rotten ones hanging around for some sex only.
Yes, he should be trying to see you ( if you’re bubbles) or sending a card. It’s a new relationship- this is supposed to be the romantic , exciting bit!
I think a genuine guy would wait and wouldn’t pressure you. I would have chucked him after the masturbate comment tbh.
If you don’t get anything romantic today, just give it up op x

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 14:28

@PhatPhanny

As patti would say... No sex before monogamy.. Don't give the goods away for free!
Women are not cows. Stop comparing ourselves to fucking produce. Then wonder why a lot of men still treat women that way.
CandlesBlanketsandTea · 14/02/2021 14:29

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Who is Patti?!
Pattie Stanger is the millionaire matchmaker.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 14:32

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Surely even if you have a ONS you expect to be respected and pleasured? But, despite the cool girls' claims on here, is that actually the case with how men treat women? How many of you walked away from a ONS once you had your orgasm but before he came? And do you think the answer would be the same if we asked men "how many ONS did you have where you gave your partner an orgasm after you came?"
This bugs me so much.

Makes women that can't orgasm easily or at all feel inadequate and somehow "broken" and it's badgering them to admit that they couldn't have possibly enjoyed sex sex without one or that they don't know what good sex is.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 14:37

Oh my god I love Patti, she’s hilarious!! But she’s like 80% tongue in cheek, she basically runs a “hot girls trying to land a millionaire” service and she openly admits she doesn’t follow her own advice.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 14:39

Could people please stop saying “earn” sex, it’s so gross. Like most health adults I want an equal partnership where sex is a part of that, not to train a man like a toddler with a sheet of star stickers—collect 6 and you’ve “earned” a shag. Just eww and ick.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:40

*This bugs me so much.

Makes women that can't orgasm easily or at all feel inadequate and somehow "broken" and it's badgering them to admit that they couldn't have possibly enjoyed sex sex without one or that they don't know what good sex is.*

And that women who enjoy no strings sex are "cool girls". You know, just trying to be "cool" and that. Not intelligent and self assured enough to know their own minds and go after what they enjoy without shame. Of course not.

Hubblebubble75 · 14/02/2021 14:42

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Oh my god I love Patti, she’s hilarious!! But she’s like 80% tongue in cheek, she basically runs a “hot girls trying to land a millionaire” service and she openly admits she doesn’t follow her own advice.
She doesn’t seem to have been too successful in the dating department and should follow her own advice perhaps!
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 14:50

If a woman I was dating said “you don’t deserve sex”, she would dropped like a hot potato as that sounds so controlling

I'd run a mile if a bloke said this to me, too.

JustAnotherOldMan · 14/02/2021 14:51

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows
Few years ago now I got to know someone, seemed to get along okay, couple of dates, no sex, but became clear she was looking for someone to help pay off her debts, and had no real interest in me as a partner

BertramLacey · 14/02/2021 14:56

That is earning sex, by the definition on this thread. Being a decent and caring enough person to earn your partner's trust.

It's not about earning anything, it's simply who he is. The way you talk sounds as if men will shape up and be decent and moral, if only you withhold sex for long enough, because they'll want sex badly enough to change. My OH is a kind and decent person but he's like that because that's how he is, not because I'm trying to get him to earn something. He'd be like that whether he was shagging me or not.

PolytheneHam · 14/02/2021 15:01

I can't imagine dating for two months and not having sex, but sex is a top priority for me, and it seems the two of you have different ideas about what's important.

Personally I wouldn't want to waste too much time on someone before knowing we were sexually compatible.

You absolutely shouldn't be pressured into doing something you aren't ready for though.

PhatPhanny · 14/02/2021 15:02

Oh my 😂 clearly my post was tongue in cheek, but I guess if you haven't seen it, it wouldn't make sense to you!

2 drink max ladies!!!! 😘

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 14/02/2021 15:06

@PhatPhanny

Oh my 😂 clearly my post was tongue in cheek, but I guess if you haven't seen it, it wouldn't make sense to you!

2 drink max ladies!!!! 😘

HAHAHAH I love it! Patti is the best