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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

482 replies

Missrhodes · 13/02/2021 22:17

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 13:18

you're deluded if you think there's an equal power balance when going into a sexual relationship, no matter how short lived that relationship is

I'm far from deluded thank you.
I've clearly just had very different life experiences to you. Which is fine.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:18

Anyway OP, if I was like you (I do actually share your sentiments) and wanted to wait until I had sex until I felt I was safe, cared for and respected...then met a guy who literally says "I have to have sex with someone before progressing a relationship" ...well really it's a no brainier isn't it. You're incompatible, and neither of you want to compromise (nor should you) so you really are barking up the wrong tree with this bloke.

However there will be another bloke who'll feel the same and respect your boundaries. Find him instead!

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 13:19

I didn't say anyone's body is a wank sock, but that's how many men use women as ONS's.

And my point was that some women are fully aware that it's just about sex and nothing else, because for some women, that's all they want too! But "wank sock" is just distasteful IMO.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:20

@AccidentallyOnPurpose it does make sense but I still believe there's nothing wrong with being in a safe and trusting place before having sex with someone new. It's entirely sensible and like I say I admire the OP for not giving in.

@LouJ85 hit the nail in the head earlier - they're simply incompatible

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:21

There was a comment to the effect of being a man's "wank sock" if you choose to have a ONS, though, which I felt wasn't very respectful.

But it's the truth. To think all men who have ONS are in it to pleasure the random woman they just met is naive, at best.

Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 13:21

Yes I agree the wording wasn't very respectful, I can't think of the opposite for a woman in relation a man!

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:22

@LouJ85

you're deluded if you think there's an equal power balance when going into a sexual relationship, no matter how short lived that relationship is

I'm far from deluded thank you.
I've clearly just had very different life experiences to you. Which is fine.

In the U.K.: 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted 1 in 10 are raped 99% of sexual offenders are men.

That's nothing short of a pandemic of illegal and dangerous preparatory behaviour from men. Of course the balance of sex isn't equal

Lightningcrops · 14/02/2021 13:22

But it's the truth. To think all men who have ONS are in it to pleasure the random woman they just met is naive, at best.

True, but there isn't really an equivalent dehumanising statement for the opposite- a woman seeking purely pleasure from a man's penis. So the wording can be disrespectful whilst the sentiment rings true.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:23

@Lightningcrops

Yes I agree the wording wasn't very respectful, I can't think of the opposite for a woman in relation a man!
Because women don't generally treat men that way
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 13:24

Research the orgasm gap - and think about how many woman in any ONS or relationship:

  1. Orgasm first, and
  2. Orgasm first, roll over, then leave.
2Rebecca · 14/02/2021 13:25

If you feel sex has to be deserved and view him as a sex pest he's not the one for you.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 13:25

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@AccidentallyOnPurpose it does make sense but I still believe there's nothing wrong with being in a safe and trusting place before having sex with someone new. It's entirely sensible and like I say I admire the OP for not giving in.

@LouJ85 hit the nail in the head earlier - they're simply incompatible [/quote]
Oh I have no issues with OP or any other woman wanting.

My comment is mostly about this particular situation because I don't think she's protecting herself as much she thinks she is. I just don't think that a man proving himself "worthy" of sex (by pretty basic,decent behaviour) means he is a decent guy or that a relationship is more likely to be successful.

With this particular bloke it's being made pretty obvious because he can't be arsed to do even the bare minimum when she drew him a detailed map.

What about the next guy that's less lazy and/or inept but still an arsehole?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 13:25

Not wanting -waiting for sex.

LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 13:26

*1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted
1 in 10 are raped
99% of sexual offenders are men.

That's nothing short of a pandemic of illegal and dangerous preparatory behaviour from men. Of course the balance of sex isn't equal*

You're talking about sexual offending.
I'm talking about non offending consensual relationships.
Of course there is a power differential within an offender-victim dynamic - that goes for all offences, sexual or otherwise.
But assuming a man is not a sex offender (and the vast majority of men are not), then the relationship is assumed to be on equal footing, in my view.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 13:27

@Lightningcrops

Yes I agree the wording wasn't very respectful, I can't think of the opposite for a woman in relation a man!
Talking dildo.Grin
LouJ85 · 14/02/2021 13:28

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

There was a comment to the effect of being a man's "wank sock" if you choose to have a ONS, though, which I felt wasn't very respectful.

But it's the truth. To think all men who have ONS are in it to pleasure the random woman they just met is naive, at best.

What do you think the women are in it for? Women who choose to engage in and enjoy one night stands for what they are - just sex. What are they doing? If not for their own pleasure? This isn't a one way street.

PatchworkElmer · 14/02/2021 13:34

You’re clearly not compatible OP. You quite clearly have different approaches to relationships. It’s shouldn’t be this hard. Split up and move on.

BertramLacey · 14/02/2021 13:49

I'm amazed women think they can afford to allow men to think they shouldn't earn the right, or the trust, to sex, and then have good, safe sex.

My OH didn't need to earn the right to have sex with me. He's kind and decent. Had he not been, and had I thought sex for him was a question of power, I would have walked away after a few dates. I spent a lot of time working out what he was like and how I felt about him before I offered him commitment, but that was about allowing him into my emotions and about me trusting him. I had sex with him when we both felt ready for it. It was part of an increasing connection and consolidated that connection.

If you are thinking of sex as being about power or something to be earned by someone, that someone isn't right, not for you and possibly not for any woman. The OP already knows this man cannot be trusted. He talked about masturbation after the first date. Now some women might be fine with that but the OP really isn't. Nothing is going to change. He will remain a man who thinks this is acceptable. So it's a puzzle to me as to why she is with him.

reader12 · 14/02/2021 13:52

“@GreenlandTheMovie he may no longer be interested in getting to know after having sex so quickly. without sex involved, he has to get to know me and I have more of a chance of being taken seriously. I want a foundation that’s built on more than just sex“

Sleeping with him or not sleeping with him won’t make any difference to the outcome of this relationship. You either like each other and are compatible, in which case it will work out, or you don’t and aren’t and it won’t. It sounds like you’ve been somewhat brainwashed into believing that being “easy” will lower your worth in his eyes.

I know of some wonderful strong marriages that began with a one night stand. You sound very controlling and fearful and I’m not surprised he’s getting frustrated. I think you should search in your heart and decide whether you like him or not, and stop stringing him along like a pet that needs to be trained.

honeylulu · 14/02/2021 13:56

What do you think the women are in it for? Women who choose to engage in and enjoy one night stands for what they are - just sex. What are they doing? If not for their own pleasure? This isn't a one way street

I'm sure there are plenty of women who have ONS for pleasure and good for them if they enjoy it. But there are also women who do it because they feel it is validation of their attractiveness and desirability that men want them. And/or that they are being cool/modern/liberated by having casual sex because that's what your supposed to do these days. My friend had 50+ sexual partners before she met her husband. Most of those were ONS. I was really shocked when she said she had never had an orgasm until her husband. I'd assumed she was having ONS for pleasure but she said whilst she really enjoyed the attention she didn't really enjoy the actual sex at all. I was gobsmacked.

I somehow doubt that there are any men who have ONS purely because the attention of women cheers them up.

babyyodaxmas · 14/02/2021 14:06

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallowslol if you’re having a one night stand in the hope of a guy caring about you then yes you will be disappointed

Off beam here but yes I meant 15 meetings and no sex would be odd to me, if I was interested in that way. I don't know about others but I didn't always know a ONS was an ONS IYSWIM. You meet often in a group setting you hit it off, you go back together, you have sex, maybe spend the night, maybe not. Then you( both) decide if you want to take it further ? Maybe you meet for lunch or coffee or tea to see how you get on and go from there ? I wouldn't have qualitatively different sex depending on future intentions.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:10

@BertramLacey

You say

My OH didn't need to earn the right to have sex with me

But then you go on to say

I spent a lot of time working out what he was like and how I felt about him before I offered him commitment, but that was about allowing him into my emotions and about me trusting him. I had sex with him when we both felt ready for it. It was part of an increasing connection and consolidated that connection.

That is earning sex, by the definition on this thread. Being a decent and caring enough person to earn your partner's trust.

What do people think earning sex actually means?! Helping with tax returns? Cooking exactly 12 meals? "Earning sex" doesn't mean its transactional - it means you've earned someone's trust and respect so they feel safe and comfortable to have sex with you.

babyyodaxmas · 14/02/2021 14:11

I think what I am trying to say is I had sex because I wanted to in that moment, not because I wanted a certain type of relationship. Also it's not binary ONS or exclusive LTR, there are so many shades of grey inbetween and for me that is where most of the fun is.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 14/02/2021 14:12

Surely even if you have a ONS you expect to be respected and pleasured? But, despite the cool girls' claims on here, is that actually the case with how men treat women? How many of you walked away from a ONS once you had your orgasm but before he came? And do you think the answer would be the same if we asked men "how many ONS did you have where you gave your partner an orgasm after you came?"

babyyodaxmas · 14/02/2021 14:14

I should say was I am boringly, monogomously and mostly happily married for the last 15 years.