AIBU? - dating guy for 2 months, he wants sex, I say no!

[Missrhodes]

I have recently started dating a guy of 2 months, whom I do really like however I find him very disingenuous. He started of super keen, we went on a few dates and which went great but I noticed that he would bring up sex every so often. I am someone who has slept with men quite quickly in the past which hasn’t really worked out for me, so this time I have decided to take my time. Since going into lockdown we haven’t spent a lot of time together which I have voiced is a concern for me and I put it down to us not yet sleeping together which makes me question how genuine his interest in me is. He tries to convince me that things are in my head, and sex won’t change anything, now he’s told me he doesn’t want me to stay the night as it’s difficult as we aren’t sleeping together but he fails to realise that we haven’t had sex because I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it. I am 30 and I’m looking for something long term and serious, which he claims he is too, but when sex is at the forefront of many conversations how am I to believe this. AIBU?

Unfortunately a lot of people have not honed these instincts, as they're so buried under all their emotional traumas - but don't even realise it. There is a reason some people find it easier to get into relationships without drama than others - and also know when to get out without all this second guessing and analysing. The OP is a prime example of someone who hasn't learned to listen to instincts and is trying to apply a rule book to decide if a guy is right or not - except you can't. You can't predict how a man will behave or what his intentions are based on a formula or rules - that's why it's important for women to be confident about their needs and wants, and equally confident about asking for it, and walking away when not met.

Yes. I find it astounding that many women who plainly have a clear understanding of relationship dynamics and of their own wants and needs are being accused of all sorts on this thread in favour of cheerleading the OP who desperately needs to learn to follow her instincts.

A relationship ending is not the same as a relationship failing. If the OP's instincts and needs were attuned, then seven weeks and five days ago this would have happened :

OP - Omg, you know that guy I dated last night? He's texted me about masturbating!
Friend: Grim! Block him.
OP - Already done. He seemed so nice back in the day. Never mind eh.

(or, you know, for some people mutual sexting if that's what they're both into)

thecatsthecats

The OP has been following her instincts, and not getting physically involved with a man she doesn’t yet trust, because she does not want to. She doesn’t need to “learn” that - because some strangers said so - when it’s “right” she will immediately feel this overwhelming comfort and trust in a stranger. Not at all.

Women view sex differently. Some don’t need an emotional attachment to have sex or even feel respected or cared about, some need to feel the guy respects and cares for them and that there is some sort of future at least. Some women have feelings in between. Women are different and men are different. Trust me OP, some men will be more than happy to wait until you’re ready and comfortable because they’re into you. You know your own boundaries and your own emotions. Everybody places different values on sex. For some it’s just physical, for some there needs to be deep feelings and trust and they’re looking for a relationship, not casual sex.

I agree with the PP who said that when you have sex is no guarantee of anything regarding commitment on the mans part, but you can try and give yourself the best odds you can by waiting to find out more about him and how he feels about you.

@RootyT00t

Some ridiculous responses here OP.

Of course you want to feel secure and that things are right before you sleep with him. Jesus.

Agree, agree, agree! OP go with what you’re feeling. I totally get what you’re saying. Sex comes later. After you feel safe, secure and comfortable in the mental, bonding part of a relationship. Not use sex to bond with someone.

@AStudyinPink

It's called Attachment theory. Not something I came up with, but a scientific study (from the early 1900s) of adult attachment that forms in childhood and carries into adult relationships.

labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

I can't actually believe some of the comments on this thread, blaming the OP for "withholding sex", or continuing to see someone for 2 months to get to know him better before making a decision, or about how she "set him free" to date other people. 2 months! And 2 months of what sounds like sporadic contact at that.

Its so odd it does sound like MRA influence. And as for all these posters who have sex with every man they date asap, well good for you, but my experience and those of most women I know is that we want to avoid being "pumped and dumped".

Women don't have as much testosterone as men and so its hardly surprising that they want to feel more connected or reassured before making the decision to have sex.

Very few posters have placed any blame on the man. Now, clearly, he's not very good at woo-ing women, he is clumsy with his interactions and sporadic with his contact. Yet all this criticism of the woman for not doing this, not doing that. There are just not that many women who want to risk getting emotionally involved with a man who doesn't seem that interested in a relationship with them.

All this talk of girlfriend status - really? Being someone's girlfriend isn't an official title with legal implications. It isn't some vaunted position that women should be expected to do x, y and z to achieve.

BibbityBobbety

Theory. Yes. How about we encourage people, instead, to actually follow their own feelings and instincts? Not tell them what they will feel.

@AStudyinPink

Op is being told to follow her instincts. She wants trust and romance and someone who respects her. This guy talked about masturbation after the first date.

Any sensible women trusting her instincts would have dumped him then understanding they are not on the same level regarding sex. Instead she's still with him 2 months later, wondering if he'll give her a V day card and asking strangers if she's right to not have sex with him..

That is NOT following instincts. Because you understand that a man who brings up masturbation so soon isn't going to change into someone who woos you and wants to bond with you before sex. She's wasted 2 months and a lot of effort composing this thread when it should have been 'BYE' right after date 1.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows I'm amazed women think they can afford to allow men to think they shouldn't earn the right, or the trust, to sex, and then have good, safe sex.

That is one manipulative crock of poop right there.

Note all the double negatives too.

What you do with this type of statement is pick out what it is actually saying, disguised in the not-very-convincing waffle, which is men's right to sex.

@AStudyinPink

And if she had a secure attachment style she would have been confident enough to dump him the minute she realised the big red flag of sex talk too soon - the talk that made her uncomfortable - and should have made her realise he is not 'right' for her. The minute you get uncomfortable with a date, you leave. You don't try to change him.

• She wants trust and romance and someone who respects her. This guy talked about masturbation after the first date.

Any sensible women trusting her instincts would have dumped him then understanding they are not on the same level regarding sex. Instead she's still with him 2 months later, wondering if he'll give her a V day card and asking strangers if she's right to not have sex with him..*

The OP has protected herself from physical involvement, knowing this man isn’t behaving in a way that makes her feel safe. I agree she should trust her instincts even more, but I disagree with the view presented here that, when she does meet some magical ‘right’ person, she will immediately know that is the case and want to be physically intimate. That may well not be the case for her. Let’s just respect her right to set her boundaries.

I have had sex "early" in all my adult relationships. Never dated in a pandemic mind. Some were keener on me than I was on them, some I was keener, one was my now DH. I don't think it makes anyone more or less likely to commit TBH. I'm not sure how much time you've spent together, but say you are meeting twice a week, then no sex after 2 months (15 meetings) is odd.

@BeakyWinder

I find women calling themselves wank socks and viewing sex as giving their body to a man very different to my own view. I'm trying to phrase this very neutrally as every woman has a different history with sex which is not always positive and I respect that.

I view it as a chance to share an intimate experience that should satisfy both people. Being respectful and enjoying eachother. No ownership, being used for someone else's pleasure, giving up rights or sacrificing a part of yourself or any of that. I'm very sad and sorry women are made to feel that way by some men and grateful that has not been my experience.

This. 100%.

@BibbityBobbety 100%%%.

OP’s issue is picking a man who is clearly not going to have a decent future with and hoping she can train him into a decent BF using sex. Good boundaries/instincts for her would not be to continue in this, it would be to have ended it as soon as their lack of comparability was evident (FIRST DATE). Best thing she can do now is end it with him and try to find a guy who is right for her.

If your instinct after dating a guy for 2 months is that he’s a waste of space and not serious about you, continuing in the same pattern is not going to help anything. Right thing to do is end it and look for someone else.

I'm not sure how much time you've spent together, but say you are meeting twice a week, then no sex after 2 months (15 meetings) is odd.

It’s not odd. It’s a personal choice, just not the one you tend to make.

@babyyodaxmas

I have had sex "early" in all my adult relationships. Never dated in a pandemic mind. Some were keener on me than I was on them, some I was keener, one was my now DH. I don't think it makes anyone more or less likely to commit TBH. I'm not sure how much time you've spent together, but say you are meeting twice a week, then no sex after 2 months (15 meetings) is odd.

It isn’t odd, its personal choice.

What would be odd is to do something you don’t want to because someone else feels that respecting your boundaries is odd.

@AStudyinPink

She doesn't have boundaries...

The man brings up sex talk on date 1, she gets uncomfortable and STILL gets intimate with him. She thinks because she hasn't had full on sex she's protecting herself. The very fact she's upset and hurt enough to start a thread about him already should prove he's crossed all her boundaries. Even without sex, he's still hurt her feelings. And had been for 2 MONTHS. Boundaries exist to stop you getting into ridiculous position in the first place. If she learned that any man who makes you feel uncomfortable should be dumped instead of being reasoned with, she'll spend less time on men who make her feel crap.

It’s not odd. It’s a personal choice, just not the one you tend to make.

Same applies to women who choose to have one night stands and enjoy them. They shouldn't be told that their body is a "wank sock". Their personal choices should equally be respected.

I'm not sure how much time you've spent together, but say you are meeting twice a week, then no sex after 2 months (15 meetings) is odd.

In the middle of a pandemic, I wouldn't assume its that many meetings. The OP has mentioned very sporadic contact between meetings too.

There is no hard and fast rule of when people have sex, if they choose to do so. This is bizarre thinking.

I actually think that the OP has great boundaries. Lets not forget that this is the middle of a pandemic and relationships are not moving at "normal" speed. And that she also knew the man involved from university, which may affect how quickly she is prepared to block him (much easier to block a near stranger from OLD).

I don't see any problem with the way the OP has acted whatsoever, and seeking to apply this mythical standard of perfect dumping behaviour within some perfect timeline isn't really something that happens in real life anyway.

I feel he puts in little to no effort and simply doesn’t deserve it.

If he's not putting in any effort after two months, bin him.

But what do you mean? Little effort in what way?

The man brings up sex talk on date 1, she gets uncomfortable and STILL gets intimate with him. She thinks because she hasn't had full on sex she's protecting herself. The very fact she's upset and hurt enough to start a thread about him already should prove he's crossed all her boundaries. Even without sex, he's still hurt her feelings. And had been for 2 MONTHS. Boundaries exist to stop you getting into ridiculous position in the first place. If she learned that any man who makes you feel uncomfortable should be dumped instead of being reasoned with, she'll spend less time on men who make her feel crap.

I think we should spend less time telling other women what they need to “learn”. The OP has come here for support. She has kept him at arm’s length in the ways that matter to her. I agree she should have nothing more to do with him, but I think she knows this.

Good work, OP.

Sex should not be about you sacrificing a part of yourself, giving in to him, offering something up.

Sex can be as part of a committed relationship. But it can also be just when you both feel like it. And even if as part of a relationship it should, of course, only be because you both feel like it.

What it should not be (in my view) is a reward, or part of a transactional encounter. Your friend does not need to “earn” the right to have sex with you. If you do not wish to have sex with him you need no validation not to do so. But in looking for him to “earn” his right to it, or somehow prove his worth it demeans you both.

To the extent that my view is worth anything; I’d move on.

Same applies to women who choose to have one night stands and enjoy them. They shouldn't be told that their body is a "wank sock". Their personal choices should equally be respected.

Sure.

The easiest example of this is.

You go on a date, and he says something racist.

Do you stick around to explain why racism is inappropriate and try to get him to change his ways?

Or do you get the hell out and never see him again.

Similarly, if someone mentioned masturbation on the first date, and you feel as uncomfortable as you would if he were being racist, or sexist, or groping you - why would you stay for months to change their way of thinking. Is it because as a woman you feel you're not as confident he's done something wrong, as you would be if it was black and white like racism/sexism etc? And that's where instinct comes in - you know he's said something wrong, it's not black and white but you know it's wrong. So you have the confidence to trust your instinct and get the hell out of there.

I find him very disingenuous
I feel he puts in little to no effort
He claims his interest in me is beyond sex however I don’t feel it
Our love languages are different
To keep bringing up sex is a bit pesty and off putting
He asked me how often I masturbated after our first date
I have told him I would like to spend more time together but his hypothetical response is that more time spent together is reserved for girlfriends
He thinks I’m selfish because the only thing he seems to want (sex) I’m not giving

@Missrhodes, I get your reasons for not having sex yet, but I think you’ve lost sight of the very simple issue in this (very new) relationship...you just aren’t compatible, yet you seem desperate to mould him into someone he isn’t. You’re wasting your time, he’s not right for you. The first couple of months is the most exciting, giddy, time when people are usually on their best behaviour to try and be as attractive as possible to each other. There should be zero angst in that time and if there is it doesn’t bode well, regardless of the reasons. It's not going to get any better than this so stop wasting your time hoping it will.