Page 13 | Husband's affair partner

jusstme · 2021-02-13T14:00:08+00:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

Worried830410 · 14/02/2021 07:52

So sorry op 38 years is a damn long time to just get over. But so is 10 years. That long means he is so emotionally entwined with her. It is impossible that he will ever truly leave her. And it means he checked out 10years ago.
I hope you find the strength and peace to leave him.

EllasAuntie · 14/02/2021 08:23

Sometimes it is not possible financially to leave a marriage of almost 40 years when the couple are in their 60s and aren't employed or able to find work.

One of my Mum's friends made the decision to stay for that reason. NOT because of an affair, just drifted apart. Half the value of their small house would not have bought another house. She was too old to work, and the capital from a house sale would not have given her enough money to rent for another 20 years.

What are some posters suggesting?

No idea if the OP falls into this scenario- maybe they live in a £1M property- but maybe they don't.

That I'd like to know @jusstme is why your H and the OW aren't together?

10 years is more than a bit of fun.

If she attracts him that much why aren't they together? Is she the one hanging on in her marriage?

If he's not committed to you, he either leaves, lives alone, or leaves and walks off into the sunset with her.

Blueskytoday06 · 14/02/2021 09:10

If you take him back you’re just giving him licence to do it again.

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2021 09:59

You had initially asked him to not block her, as you wanted to monitor her, but eventually he did block when she became abusive

Yeah, I recall that, but it sounds highly unlikely because why would he be calling her now to say it’s over and saying all the i miss yous? The blocking would indicate he’d already ended it. Why unblock her and have the call thr op has described above,

Something not right there.

Branleuse · 14/02/2021 10:10

61 isnt old.
Honestly if there were big reasons to stay in the marriage for you financially with this cheating dickhead, then id definitely be making a big effort to start enjoying my own life a bit more, possibly including having affairs myself. I know of a couple who carry on as normal for the married lifestyle but her response to his continuous affairs was to have her own

EllasAuntie · 14/02/2021 10:54

@Branleuse

61 isnt old. Honestly if there were big reasons to stay in the marriage for you financially with this cheating dickhead, then id definitely be making a big effort to start enjoying my own life a bit more, possibly including having affairs myself. I know of a couple who carry on as normal for the married lifestyle but her response to his continuous affairs was to have her own

It's not old, that's right (although I can't recall the OP saying how old she is.)

BUT she's not told us anything about her finances.

She may have no choice - or rather the choice could be staying or living in poverty on her own.

It would be helpful if she could come back and engage with a few more facts.

Do you want to stay married?
Can you forgive him?
Is he wanting to give 100% to your marriage now?
Can you plan a life without him?

We just don't know enough to tell her she ought to leave.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2021 12:07

The blocking would indicate he’d already ended it. Why unblock her and have the call thr op has described above
Something not right there

I don't think OP said when this call actually took place? We know the discovery of the OW was last October, but not if the call was back then or more recently

I'm just thinking that it might have been a few months ago, but that they've continued to be in touch and that's why OP is now revisiting thongs ...

Original poster

jusstme · 14/02/2021 12:27

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

OP posts:

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 12:30

What would you like to do Op ? Do you really think it’s over? Do you think he can truly forget her and make a go of your marriage?

Chailatteplease · 14/02/2021 12:34

OP why aren’t you answering questions about your reasons for staying? Would leaving put you in financial poverty?

Outbutnotoutout · 14/02/2021 12:36

You're not giving much away...

Do you want to stay with him?
Does he want to stay?
After 10yrs he must have some feelings for her
I don't believe it was only a few times they met, he will only tell you what he thinks he can get away with

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2021 12:36

He says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts

I realise it's the least of the issues, but I hope you're not taking this on trust as well ...?

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2021 12:41

@jusstme

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

This makes no sense op. You get thay right? He’d not be giving it I will miss you otherwise,

I don’t understand your timeline, you were posting about how he blocked her as she was abusive awhile ago

poppyzbrite4 · 14/02/2021 12:50

@jusstme

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

OP you can't believe a word he says. He's doing what's called 'minimsing'. He's telling you as little as possible, they all do it. He's telling you what he can get away with. Why on earth would a woman continue a relationship with a man she saw rarely, communicated with via email and had sex with now and again? That doesn't make sense.

Birthday presents, Valentines presents, Christmas presents, lingerie, bottles of nice wine.

Are you saying that he just sneaked over every few years after a furtive email exchange and they had sex? Who on earth does that? That there were no weekends away or sneaked days out together? What does rare mean? A couple of times a year? Every couple of years? Why would either of them bother?

It doesn't make sense OP. He's lying to you because he's a liar.

Zakana · 14/02/2021 13:21

@jusstme

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

It will take more than you can imagine to make this marriage work now. Unfortunately, you can’t unknow or unremember what has happened with his betrayal, and take it from me, it is the hardest thing in world to do, just to get through every day. I thought my DP was the best thing since sliced bread until he betrayed me. He denied everything, despite proof, and made out I was nuts, gaslighting and lying to me. I put him on a pedestal in our relationship, and when he fell off, he fell a long way. The feelings have never come back, and he truly burst my bubble of happiness when he cheated on me. We have been together 30 years this March now, and although we are happy together, I will never trust him again, because I am unable to forgive and forget. The whole situation completely fucked up my mental health.

EllasAuntie · 14/02/2021 13:25

@jusstme

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

That's all in the past.

@jusstme A lot of posters incl me have asked what you want to do next.

I know this is terrible for you, but you come over as very passive, although in your previous posts about him you said you had emailed his colleagues and the OW, and had no replies. But you aren't telling anyone else in RL.

I think this is part of the problem; you aren't actually owning the situation. What do you want to happen?

You seem on the back foot.
You are waiting for him to come back to you and for the marriage to carry on as before.
It can't . There will be a scar forever.
If you both have couples counselling and he's remorseful and honest about why he had the affair, it might help heal your marriage.

But first you need to decide if you want to carry on.

Your posts suggest you do.
But have you even thought of the other option?

To leave him and start again?

You don't have to stay with this man even though you have been with him for 40 years.

Can you begin to imagine a life on your own?
Do you have joint assets that would mean you can buy a place of your own?
Does he have a pension you can share when he retires?

HitchFlix · 14/02/2021 13:29

Sorry you're going through this OP, it must have been a huge shock given the length of the affair. That said, I think the phone call sounds quite "typical" in the circumstances.

I had an affair once, I wasn't married but in a LTR. I ended it off my own back (my partner at the time wasn't aware of it) as I felt awful and couldn't live with the guilt/deceit. I still said similar things as your husband when I ended it though. Obviously the relationship was very wrong but it was still a relationship of-sorts and there were feelings involved. So I apologised to him much like your H. That was after a short term affair - never mind 10 years.

If someone's having an affair, particularly one spanning a decade, then the relationship is simply not right. I hope you find the strength to leave

Devlesko · 14/02/2021 13:34

@jusstme

The workplace where they met closed in 2011, but they continued to keep in contact by email, meeting up very rarely, he says he never spent a penny on her, no dinner's, lunches, gifts, they only ever met when he drove up to see her at her house, her husband is constant night shift, he has never stayed out all night, he has always came home.

I can't believe you believing his minimising. He has had a double life for 10 years, she is his partner as much as you are. She will have been well treated by him, don't kid yourself. Have you told her husband yet, or does he already know and encourages it? Please gain some dignity and self respect, you are worth more than this low life. Mourn the person you thought he was and move on life is too short.

Original poster

jusstme · 14/02/2021 13:40

I absolutely hate what he has done to me and our family, he's tainted the life we had built together forever, we have been together since we were 20 yrs old, I haven't mentioned this in any of my post but our beautiful son died suddenly 8 months before I discovered the affair, our boy was only 22 and lived at home with us, that devastated us and will till the day I take my last breath. I was already broken when the affair was discovered. Maybe if I had been stronger emotionally the decision to leave would be easier.

OP posts:

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 13:44

It is possible that it was as he says because some women have low standards and few boundaries. It would have been easy for her to cheat, given her husband was away on permanent nights. Maybe she accepted whatever he offered because she was lonely? Her poor husband! If this makes the fail then every man on permanent night shifts is going to be wondering if it's their wife.
Id be curious to know if she has kids and if she risked them finding out? I think gifts would be difficult to explain away to the woman's husband, but not impossible. It's hard to know if he's telling the truth. OP would know what her husband is like with gift giving. If he's stingy then it's likely he didn't buy her anything.

Deathgrip · 14/02/2021 13:48

Oh OP, you poor thing. What an horrific experience for you.

The truth is, a man who wants to end an affair doesn’t need an agreed script. But then he also doesn’t have a 10 year long affair in the first place.

I once had a male friend I had known for a long time, but I was in a relationship. When I became single we ended up talking a lot more and he was planning to come and visit me. Then I got a text saying he had a girlfriend (I didn’t know this) and he couldn’t speak to me any more. It was very blunt.

Within a few days I got a message saying his girlfriend had written it and sent it. I told him in no uncertain terms of fuck off. But this is what happens when cheating men are made to end affairs etc by partners. It’s not what he wants, he’s going along with it.

Are you having marriage counselling? Are you having counselling by yourself?

LIZS · 14/02/2021 13:51

10 years he may not have spent money (although I find that doubtful) but he has spent time and emotion on her, which could have been with you and your dc. I am also doubtful a relationship that long can be meaningfully despatched in a 3 minute call. If you felt the need to record it you do not trust him, with good reason. Please consider a future without him, however tough it may be in the wake of your ds death. Your h has let you all down

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/02/2021 13:52

I'd be curious to know if she has kids as well and l'm so sorry to say this, but how old they are.

Why did she become abusive? Sure she was upset, but something has made her really angry.

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 13:52

OP Im so sorry for the loss of your dear boy

Please don't feel pressurised to do anything but perhaps get some grief counselling and deal with one thing at a time.

BlueThistles · 14/02/2021 14:01

OP Im so sorry for your loss... but even this enormous loss he turned to the OW... and carried on this relationship... this man is scum 🌺