Page 12 | Husband's affair partner

jusstme · 2021-02-13T14:00:08+00:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

Imelda03 · 13/02/2021 23:37

Can’t believe what I’m reading on here so needed to add to my post.

So people think it’s ok for someone to stay in what is essentially an emotionally abusive relationship (why it isn’t thought about like this is crazy!! If the OP and husband were in their late 20s people would be advising very differently!) .....because the OP might not get a job/find it hard to start again/take time to get over if???.......Good Lord.

What would happen if I’m another 5/10 years he leaves OP for this woman anyway as he never stopped seeing her. FFS OP is a whole human in her own right who can navigate life and survive if needed with support. No it won’t be easy and yes it will be shit but the alternative is to put up and shut up and that doesn’t seem to be what she wants?!

RootyT00t · 13/02/2021 23:39

@Imelda03

Can’t believe what I’m reading on here so needed to add to my post.

So people think it’s ok for someone to stay in what is essentially an emotionally abusive relationship (why it isn’t thought about like this is crazy!! If the OP and husband were in their late 20s people would be advising very differently!) .....because the OP might not get a job/find it hard to start again/take time to get over if???.......Good Lord.

What would happen if I’m another 5/10 years he leaves OP for this woman anyway as he never stopped seeing her. FFS OP is a whole human in her own right who can navigate life and survive if needed with support. No it won’t be easy and yes it will be shit but the alternative is to put up and shut up and that doesn’t seem to be what she wants?!

No we aren't saying that.

We are just realistic that it isn't that easy.

VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 23:40

Of course the advice would be different if they were in their 20s. The situation would be entirely different. The two aren’t remotely comparable.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/02/2021 23:41

Keep the lifestyle, hopefully you will outlive him by a long way and you can wear a red dress to his funeral...

OhWhyNot · 13/02/2021 23:41

Op you are getting a bit of a hard time I’m sorry you are going through this

I think it’s often thought that an affair is about sex and excitement that the feelings are not deep and that isn’t true and I think for it to have lasted so long it won’t be true of their relationship

This won’t end with that phone call

I don’t know if you can stay living together and having separate lives (I think this is rarely the best decision) or you can separate a be financially ok but you have to make plans for you not as a couple

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/02/2021 23:43

I haven't interpreted any comments that way.

It was debated as a reason why she hasn't left already.. quite different.

Snookie00 · 13/02/2021 23:43

@Imelda03. It doesn’t matter what her 25yo self would have said or thought. She can’t have a do-over of her life. Principles are all well and good but the OP needs to actually live her life now. She’s a 61yo woman with few options.

I don’t know what the OP will decide to do but it’s simplistic and naive to think that your principles about cheating will always be so strong that you would walk if your life would be impoverished financially, socially and in countless other ways. Of course her husband is an asshole. That is without question but shaming the OP and making out that you’re so much better as you’re more principled than her is rather cruel.

FossilisedFanny · 13/02/2021 23:49

Walk a mile in another mans shoes .

Coffeeandcocopops · 13/02/2021 23:56

Does he have a good pension OP?
Do you have equity on your house ie no mortgage?
If yes to both of those questions I would leave him. You will get 50% of both. 61 isn’t old Nowdays if you are fit and healthy. Plenty of time to travel, dance and have fun. Kick the miserable two timer out and get yourself a younger man for some short term fun.

Snookie00 · 13/02/2021 23:57

I’m much younger than the OP and am financially independent so I could walk away from my marriage as my ex was descending into alcoholism. My self esteem was definitely better afterwards. I’m not stupid enough to realise I was lucky to have that option without putting myself into poverty. Some posters here must be very young, very naive or very stupid. No one has said that the OPs husband is a good guy. We’re just aware that a 61yo single woman who has never worked has no way of avoiding an impoverished old age unless her ex is rich enough for her to get a hefty payoff.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 00:03

Plenty of time to travel, dance and have fun. Kick the miserable two timer out and get yourself a younger man for some short term fun

Oh grow up. This is real woman’s life not bloody chick lit. How can you travel and have fun if you have no money?

Moomin12345 · 14/02/2021 00:07

Have fun at his expense literally and metaphorically.

dane8 · 14/02/2021 00:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 14/02/2021 00:12

Do you want to be in a marriage of duty? Because if he's had an affair longer than a lot of marriages, that's his source of passion and excitement - and your life with him is the routine, the household, the stability. If you choose that, and no criticism on that front if you're happy with that, you cannot now control his moves or script his conversations.

But don't expect him to cut her out forever because you've demanded it. If something is forbidden, it's even more appealing and he clearly doesn't care a huge amount about not hurting your feelings. He's made that choice every day for ten years - what (other than the possibility of a very expensive and inconvenient divorce) has changed? If you can't live with his extra-curricular activities, get a divorce.

Thepollonator · 14/02/2021 00:25

08dane8

Just read through 12 pages, massive debate going on between other mumnetters
And OP hasn’t even been back to reply

Not wasting my time any longer

Exactly!

Osirus · 14/02/2021 00:40

Your only way through this OP, is out.

Seasidemumma77 · 14/02/2021 01:09

@jusstme

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.

My heart goes out to you, my husband of 13yrs had an 18month affair. I ended our relationship immediately, it wasn't the physical act of betrayal that upset me as much as the long term deceit and disrespect. I would strongly urge you to seek some counselling for yourself, I found it really beneficial to work through my emotions in a safe non judgemental space. If the couple both want the marriage to work then great, but you both need to be 100% committed.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 14/02/2021 01:17

So sorry you're going through this OP. Sounds like he didn't want this to end. It's easier said than done but I would walk away from this marriage.

Didkdt · 14/02/2021 01:44

@Ohthatoldchestnut

Do you want to be in a marriage of duty? Because if he's had an affair longer than a lot of marriages, that's his source of passion and excitement - and your life with him is the routine, the household, the stability. If you choose that, and no criticism on that front if you're happy with that, you cannot now control his moves or script his conversations.

But don't expect him to cut her out forever because you've demanded it. If something is forbidden, it's even more appealing and he clearly doesn't care a huge amount about not hurting your feelings. He's made that choice every day for ten years - what (other than the possibility of a very expensive and inconvenient divorce) has changed? If you can't live with his extra-curricular activities, get a divorce.

I suggested similar several pages back and was told I should be ashamed. But I agree 10 years isn’t a fling, and no one can control anyone’s conversations and actions. This has to be his choice otherwise when the opportunity knocks he’ll make his own choice again. I also highly doubt that for 10 years she was truly unaware. There’s a lifestyle she wants to keep and I suspect with a good lawyer she can, but yes there’s convenience in being married. That said she can’t pretend they can act like it’s a blip, it wasn’t a blip. In all honesty 10 years of many affairs says actually it’s you I love more than anyone, far more than 10 years with the same woman At 61 op could have been widowed and everyone would tell her she can rebuild, the truth is she can look at this as at 61 she’s lost her husband. He’s there but he’s not there as her husband.

FossilisedFanny · 14/02/2021 02:18

If the op had been widowed she would have been left the house and all his money, in this situation she will possibly get the house ( is there a mortgage?) and half his money which isn’t so easy to live on .

TaraR2020 · 14/02/2021 02:32

No, YANBU but...

Did he know you recorded the call?

I can't see your script working tbh, a 10 year affair...that's a relationship between 2 people and I'm not convinced your script would have had the effect it was supposed to.

YANBU for feeling angry, hurt and betrayed all over again because he deviated from what you'd agreed. Nor are YBU for the script you wanted him to say, its completely understandable and I think I'd want them same in your shoes. I'm not sure that script was realistic.

If you're both committed to making your marriage work then I would advise couples counselling with a therapist who is experienced in helping in these situations.

You have a hell of a lot to work through, both of you and you'll need guidance for this.

He needs to commit to the boundaries of your relationship, to practise fidelity so you can learn to trust him again. You'll need help in processing your betrayal and anger and guidance as to what boundaries are realistic and mutually agreed. Without help from a neutral party this will be inordinately difficult for both of you.

Pyewhacket · 14/02/2021 03:45

@LaurieFairyCake

Keep the lifestyle, hopefully you will outlive him by a long way and you can wear a red dress to his funeral...

Sick. Have a word with yourself.

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2021 05:44

No wonder the op has not been back. The lack of empathy in some of these responses, and the desire to shame her into leaving is really unpleasant.

No one knows their financial situation, and it’s no ones business. But the bottom line is being alone at 61 is a daunting prospect. Plenty of people stay in bad marriages due to fear of the alternative. Plenty bury their heads in the sand and pretend it’s all ok so they can stay. Particularly when they are financially dependent.

The ops clearly and understandably struggling, she wants his affair to have ended. She wanted him to be cold to the other woman to prove that there was no feelings, that it was just an occasional shag, she even tried to script it, and I suspect she secretly recorded it. What she heard shows this is a love affair. She shouldn’t have listened.

It’s all very well to say grab your dignity and go, but not everyone has the confidence,the financial means, or the social circle support to do so without a back ward glance and happily face th prospect of growing into old age alone.

Ileflottante · 14/02/2021 07:37

@Didkdt no, you were told you should be ashamed because you said this:

*You scripted a conversation of his and recorded the call. I almost feel sorry for him. If your plan to save your marriage is to control everything thing he says and does it’s doomed to fail and what are you saving a relationship with a man who isn’t allowed to be himself

Him cheating on you isn’t great byt I’d ask 2 questions

can you honestly say you didn’t know for 10 years
do you always control him like that because if you do no wonder he needed something he was in control of*

You described affair as ‘not great but’ and then blamed the OP for it happening.

MsDogLady · 14/02/2021 07:40

I recall that your H told you OW ‘meant nothing’ and he was just ‘looking for a bit of excitement.’ You expected to hear a curt message, but instead it was empathetic and indicated reciprocated feelings. You must see now that their 10 year relationship involved much more than sex.

His remorseless attitude has hindered your recovery. He has lied, stonewalled and minimized. You’ve had to work to pry details from him and dig through SM for information. They were in constant contact all these years and met up when they could after she moved, including having sex several times in her home while her H was working his night shift. Those two are massively selfish and entitled.

He is still downplaying the affair and wants you to shut up and get over it. If you try to ask questions, he storms out or turns up the tv volume, which is appalling. That sort of dismissive contempt is not ‘working on the marriage.’ It is corrosive and puts even more distance between you.

On the plus side, you do have access to his devices. OW actually continued to contact him and he showed you her messages. You had initially asked him to not block her, as you wanted to monitor her, but eventually he did block when she became abusive. It sounds like she is devastated. Whether they reestablish secretive contact remains to be seen.

Jusstme, I truly empathize with your difficult situation and your desire to find a way forward in your marriage. I would, however, seek a solicitor’s advice to learn your options. Also, individual counseling would be a safe place to express your feelings and clarify your thoughts while you make decisions.