Husband's affair partner

[jusstme]

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

@jusstme

I absolutely hate what he has done to me and our family, he's tainted the life we had built together forever, we have been together since we were 20 yrs old, I haven't mentioned this in any of my post but our beautiful son died suddenly 8 months before I discovered the affair, our boy was only 22 and lived at home with us, that devastated us and will till the day I take my last breath. I was already broken when the affair was discovered. Maybe if I had been stronger emotionally the decision to leave would be easier.

I totally get you, you were already at your lowest ebb, you couldn’t have got any lower after the premature death of your beloved boy. It’s no surprise you were not in the headspace to deal with his infidelity then, or even now to be honest. I cannot imagine how you must feel, you must just feel numb. And your husband is most selfish, incredibly unkind and insensitive. I agree with PP though, the fault is all his, his choice, not yours and even not the OW, although it sounds like this is how she floats through life, trashing other people’s relationships, but the bottom line if the fault is your husbands. 💐

Yes, I blame both of them, both knew each other was married, both knew they could potentially destroy 2 families. But HE is the one who betrayed me, and he is the one who is suffering the wrath of me, no more than he deserves.

OP, you don't know whether or not the OW has ever done this before. You got that little 'fact' from your DH who has not exactly got great form for telling the truth.

@justme I can't say the right words to offer any comfort about the loss of your son. Just dreadful.

But now- what lies ahead for you?

I know you are angry but what do you want?

Do you want to try to save your marriage (assuming your H does)?

Or can you imagine leaving him ?

It's not clear from your posts what you want next.

IF you stay, surely you can't imagine just carrying on as if nothing has changed?

Are you willing to try again with him, or not?

Have you had serious conversations with him, apart from venting your anger at the OW?

Op, I agree with the others. This is bigger than an affair. You’re dealing with quite possibly the hardest thing to happen to a human being - the loss of a child.
Putting your dickhead husband to one side, have you done any grief counselling over your loss?

@sassbott

Op, I agree with the others. This is bigger than an affair. You’re dealing with quite possibly the hardest thing to happen to a human being - the loss of a child. Putting your dickhead husband to one side, have you done any grief counselling over your loss?

Ideally her dickhead H ought to be there with her, supporting her through grief as presumably he feels that too.

If they can't 'bond' over such a tragedy it really is time to walk away.

But I can see how it's hard. You've lost a child and if you lose your marriage you might wonder what the last 30 years have been for.

You have 2 other children though? Can they offer support?

[quote Snookie00]@Imelda03. It doesn’t matter what her 25yo self would have said or thought. She can’t have a do-over of her life. Principles are all well and good but the OP needs to actually live her life now. She’s a 61yo woman with few options.

I don’t know what the OP will decide to do but it’s simplistic and naive to think that your principles about cheating will always be so strong that you would walk if your life would be impoverished financially, socially and in countless other ways. Of course her husband is an asshole. That is without question but shaming the OP and making out that you’re so much better as you’re more principled than her is rather cruel.[/quote]
I really agree with this. It's the same old posters who queue up to tell the OP to 'get a backbone' and berate her for not having 'self-respect' enough to act when they tell her to jump.

I imagine I know how OP feels and her age plays a huge part in it. There is no do-over as PP has said. We're now in a situation of pandemic where nothing is now certain and plastering over the cracks seems to be what the husband is trying to do. He holds the cards. Aging men do not suffer in the same way that aging women do and, OP now having worked outside the home for a large part of her life will not make it easy for her to get a job now.

I think the posters bellowing at the OP to LTB ought to pipe down now and just read in horror at what the actual situation is, what OP's husband has wrought. OP really doesn't have many options and perhaps the most palatable thing to do, however shitty it must feel for her, is to let sleeping dogs lie. Accept the phone call for the pantomime it was and do absolutely nothing more to find out the truth. Because if she opens that Pandora's box and paints her husband into a corner where he can no longer keep up the pretence, then he may not bother. Yet another can of worms.

If I were the OP, I would be taking my time to look into my options - quietly - saying nothing to my husband. I would find out what I could be entitled to and I would get copies of all the paperwork in the house to effect that. All of this would be done on the quiet. I would then know what my reality would be - financially - should I choose to stay or go. None of this is new and OP, there's a brilliant thread on 'relationships' board with some very knowledgeable posters there who've experienced this.

I also - flippantly - agree with LaurieFairyCake with the suggestion that you get yourself a nice bright dress and dance on his eventual grave wearing it.

None of this is your doing or your fault and however much 10 years is an 'extra relationship' as posters are enjoying telling you, it's hugely disrespectful of your husband and his comeuppance is long overdue.

@EllasAuntie yes ideally he would be. But he isn’t is he? So the OP has to deal with his shit show on top of losing a child. The dickhead can wait, as can this situation. The priority is the OP and her wellness.

Right now in the Op’s shoes, I’d be focussing on what it is I need to recover from such a loss. Then, when I’m feeling stronger mentally and emotionally would I figure out what to do with dickhead.

OP, a video worth watching is a video by Esther perel. About infidelity.

@DNHandTNS

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married. She was using him for company, no doubt. She had a nice day time husband and a cosy fill in for the night time. Such a user! AND she's done it before. AND guess what, she'll do it again. I suspect your DH is not that important to her, he's just convenient.

Oh... when does OP's husband take a bow in this blame-fest then? Not at all by the looks of things. Women like you are why men feel that they can do as they like because you'll always blame the women, not the man who committed to you. A bit pathetic.

Why are you with him after how he has betrayed you?!

@malbecchio

Why are you with him after how he has betrayed you?!

RTFT.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@DNHandTNS

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married

Decent men don't cheat. It is not women's responsibility to regulate men's behaviour. We all know the bullshit cheaters spin on both sides - she doesn't treat me well / we don't sleep together any more / separate rooms etc.

"Women like her" can't make an otherwise decent man cheat. Stop burning the witches and holding women to a higher moral standard than men who, contrary to what you seem to believe, can in fact control their penises. [/quote]
Decent people don't cheat.

When people work night's it's easier for cheating to happen.. No witches were burned during my comments , thankyou, but my ex who cheated on me was a night worker who used his time away from home to cheat before returning. Night work gives an opportunity, (unfortunately) that decent people would bypass and indecent ones don't.

@VinylDetective I have read the full thread, and am none the wiser as to what this man can offer the OP that makes her staying with him at all viable.

[quote malbecchio]@VinylDetective I have read the full thread, and am none the wiser as to what this man can offer the OP that makes her staying with him at all viable. [/quote]
If you've read the thread and are still not able to understand then what can anybody say to make it clearer for you?

There are many, many posts on the thread that explain exactly why it's not as cut and dried for the OP to leave, notwithstanding that OP doesn't want to leave.

So she doesn't want to leave? Fair enough then, she doesn't. It's difficult to understand that mindset looking in, especially when the whole time of the thread seems to be "my husband cheated, he and the OW are in the wrong" which I completely agree with, by the way. They are in the wrong, the pair of them. What I cannot understand is the acceptance of the situation and complete acquiescence on the part of the OP. If you want to accept it, fine, but why ask here for help in doing so? You deserve better, you really do.

@malbecchio

So she doesn't want to leave? Fair enough then, she doesn't. It's difficult to understand that mindset looking in, especially when the whole time of the thread seems to be "my husband cheated, he and the OW are in the wrong" which I completely agree with, by the way. They are in the wrong, the pair of them. What I cannot understand is the acceptance of the situation and complete acquiescence on the part of the OP. If you want to accept it, fine, but why ask here for help in doing so? You deserve better, you really do.

It's not easy for her to just up and go

@malbecchio. Can you really think of no reason why a 61 year old woman with no independent means who has been with this man for 2/3 of her life and is grieving her sons death would be hesitant about striking out on her own? Are you normally so blinkered and lacking in empathy?

Of course the OP deserves better. My heart goes out to her. But of course conversely I can easily see when you have spent all your adult life with your husband in what you thought was a happy marriage it’s incredibly difficult to envisage a different life without him.

Added to which she is grieving for her child. Unimaginably hard. Her world is in turmoil. It’s very easy for much younger people to spout the leave him and now I would etc etc. Perhaps she will in the future but I can see this is a truly awful period that many would absolutely struggle with. it may be the time as others have said to quietly gather financial evidence to see how the future could look with a separation. It may just all be too much to handle at the moment and a feeling of a “safe port” for the time being.

Sadly I can’t see a happy ending for the marriage going forward, but I can quite understand the need to cling to the security of what is known, the shared history with family and the loss of a child.

OP I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your son at such a young age, how utterly heartbreaking.

Rather than offering you advice I know it must feel like you’re the only woman this has happened to given the length of the affair but I just want you to know you’re not. I don’t know if it will help you to read this but I hope it will.

We have a family friend who like you met her husband young, married, two children, they were the epitome of a stable, strong and happily married couple. I always thought of him as rather boring, he was so dependable and settled in every area of his life. They were in their early 50’s with 2 adult children when he collapsed and was taken in to hospital and spent several weeks in there.

His wife arrived at the hospital one day and there was a woman sitting beside his bed holding his hand visibly upset. His wife had no idea who this woman was. It transpired he had been having an affair for almost 20 years, he had been in a relationship with this woman for most of his married life. He was effectively living two lives. Thankfully he and the other woman didn’t have any children together. I don’t know if she was married/had children etc . His wife was beyond devastated and they did divorce. But he was the most unlikely man to do this, no one could believe it at the time and still can’t.

I seen the emails between them, that's how I discovered the affair, and in one of them she tells him she has had numerous affairs with married men

jusstme

How are you doing now ?How are things at home ?

Thanks for taking the time to ask me, he's trying really hard, doing all the right things, I'm still giving him endless questions and a constant reminder on a daily basis of how hurt I am, I know where he is every day, he texts me daily from his work, I know he's not seeing her, she stays too far away, I am so vigilant, there is no way he is seeing her. We really are doing okay under the circumstances, but I'm still up and down at times, he is very patient with me, and so he should be.

@jusstme

Thanks for taking the time to ask me, he's trying really hard, doing all the right things, I'm still giving him endless questions and a constant reminder on a daily basis of how hurt I am, I know where he is every day, he texts me daily from his work, I know he's not seeing her, she stays too far away, I am so vigilant, there is no way he is seeing her. We really are doing okay under the circumstances, but I'm still up and down at times, he is very patient with me, and so he should be.

I'm only now seeing this thread. I'm am very sorry about your son @jusstme - every parent's nightmare. You must be devastated.

I don't know how sustainable your situation is to be honest. You cannot move forward in your marriage with the constant doubt, the distrust, the suspicion - and you cannot heal.

Coupled with this your grief that you'll forever carry for your son - you are dealing with a huge amount of emotions here.

How is your 'H' dealing with the loss of your son? Are you able to grieve together?

Without professional marriage counselling, I'm struggling to see how you'll both get through the enormity of the emotions you're both facing. Personally, a 10 year affair isn't a drunken fling or a random act of madness - I'd find these dealbreakers myself - 10 years is a calculated act of deceit, a total betrayal of his promise to you. I could never trust him again.

You are mourning your son. You are mourning your marriage.

Please get some proper counselling to help you see with clarity.

Sending love

We're both grieving together, he was so loved by both of us. I was already broken when I discovered my husband's affair, I will never forgive him for the hurt he has caused myself and my children. I honestly don't know where I'll be this time next year.

No. He was at fault. He’s not the innocent victim here, he knew he was married. Why are women so keen to blame other women?

I can see what you’re saying. But what I see on threads like this is that some posters don’t want to blame the woman AT ALL.

Of course a wronged wife should blame her H first and foremost for breaking their marriage vows. But the OW has also played a part, so not blaming her at all doesn’t make sense to me. And in this case, she’s a cheater herself, not a single woman who’s been lied to that he’s going to leave his wife when the time is right blah blah.