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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband's affair partner

408 replies

jusstme · 13/02/2021 14:00

Husband ended affair with AP over the phone, I listened afterwards on call record, call only lasted about 3 minutes, couldn't believe what I heard, three times he said he was sorry, he told her he would miss her and he also told her he didn't want to hurt her, he also told her he wanted to make his marriage work, I sat there flabbergasted. It wasn't what we agreed to tell her, I wanted him to be direct and straight to the point, it's over and there will be no more contact. After listening to it, I just thought WTF! He certainly didn't sound like someone who wanted to save his marriage. Am I right to be upset( that's putting it mildly) about this

OP posts:
Original poster
jusstme · 14/02/2021 14:02

She became abusive towards me after I sent her an email telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has one child aged 20. My husband told me that she had been with a few married me before him, she felt it was safer, less chance of getting found out, because both of them wold never tell anyone, so no one would find out, she told me in an email that she would never leave her husband and her marriage was solid!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 14/02/2021 14:06

You’ve been through a really horrible time. My heart breaks for you. I’d love you to find the strength to forge a new life without him.

Zakana · 14/02/2021 14:07

@jusstme wow, your husband has just fallen even further in my opinion having read your last couple of posts, I have no words.....for either of them....you just do whatever you need to to get on with your life, either with or without him 💐

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 14:09

@jusstme

She became abusive towards me after I sent her an email telling her exactly what I thought of her, she has one child aged 20. My husband told me that she had been with a few married me before him, she felt it was safer, less chance of getting found out, because both of them wold never tell anyone, so no one would find out, she told me in an email that she would never leave her husband and her marriage was solid!
I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you ever met her? What a nasty piece of work she is. I doubt her marriage will be solid if her husband finds out. Have you ever considered talking to him? Depending on how abusive she has been to you, you could consider taking things further. I'm realising it must be a very painful time for you, more than any of us originally knew as you must be very near the anniversary of your son's loss Flowers
MRex · 14/02/2021 14:11

I'm so very sorry your son died, I don't want to imagine that level of pain. In that context, I can understand; it really doesn't matter much what your husband has done, because he can't hurt you more than you're already hurting. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. At some point you could try to build more of a life for yourself again, and it would make more sense to do that without him because he already checked out in having the affair for so long. You need more time to process all of this than many would because you have that great loss alongside it. I know it's so hard to think about sharing with others, but is there anyone in your family or an old friend who you could talk to?

LIZS · 14/02/2021 14:12

I think your anger is misdirected at ow. Your h had a responsibility to you and your dc. He is painting her in a particular way to justify his choices.

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 14:20

If OW was abusive, she is a nasty POS who should have been apologising for her part in this deception.

Any woman with a shred of decency would feel awful. But then any woman with any shred of decency would not be cheating with multiple men while her hardworking husband works nights to support her.

custardbear · 14/02/2021 14:24

I'd be devastated if this was my DH - if you've decided to move forwards with him then just make sure you've got your ducks in line if he does it again and you decided he needs to leave - financially, and your own emotional strength too

Good luck, I hope you get out the other side

I wonder if some kind stranger may anonymously tell her 'solid as a rock' husband 😉

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 14:28

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married. She was using him for company, no doubt.
She had a nice day time husband and a cosy fill in for the night time. Such a user! AND she's done it before. AND guess what, she'll do it again. I suspect your DH is not that important to her, he's just convenient.

VodselForDinner · 14/02/2021 14:37

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married

Stop blaming women for cheating men.

The only person who causes a man to cheat is himself. Not just wife, not his mistress, not the woman in his office whose arse he thinks is nice. Him. Nobody else but him.

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 14:46

Oh I blame him too! I lived with a cheater for ten years and it almost finished me.
But I still say, they are both at fault.

VinylDetective · 14/02/2021 14:47

@DNHandTNS

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married. She was using him for company, no doubt. She had a nice day time husband and a cosy fill in for the night time. Such a user! AND she's done it before. AND guess what, she'll do it again. I suspect your DH is not that important to her, he's just convenient.
No. He was at fault. He’s not the innocent victim here, he knew he was married. Why are women so keen to blame other women?

I really feel for you @jusstme, losing your son is devastating, no parent should ever have to deal with that. You must feel as if your world’s fallen apart. 💐

We’re not ourselves in the first throes of grief which is why the advice is to not make life changing decisions in the wake of a bereavement. And deciding whether to leave a spouse of nearly 40 years is about as life changing as it gets. Several pp have suggested counselling, would you consider that to help you sort through your feelings?

likeamillpond · 14/02/2021 14:48

@Whythesadface

So if it's a 38 Year Marriage and you got together at 22ish, that means your 60. I know you hate the situation but he choose you, and either you accept that and work to make however long you have left as good as it can be, Or you decide that you will never trust him and finish it. You have a long time to still have an enjoyable life, which do you truly want?
He only chose the OP because he was found out and therefore backed into a corner. The OW could be married or his lifestyle could take a dive if he were to move in with her. Who knows. It's not the same thing as someone choosing to stay wirh someone ecause they love that person. I couldnt livewith someone who's only with me because his hand was forced.
LIZS · 14/02/2021 14:51

Of course it takes two, but in the end ow is cheating on her h not op. Was her son at home during all this? If so maybe her h knows. And there is every chance he will find a way to fill this void again, if not with her someone else.

DNHandTNS · 14/02/2021 14:53

No he's not innocent. I lived with a cheater for ten years and I totally blame him.

I mean that OW having an empty bed and being "welcoming" or encouraging, her husband working nights, certainly didn't help his resolve...

pinkgin8 · 14/02/2021 14:58

They've been having an affair for ten years- there is no way this will be the "end of it".
They will find a way back to each other wether it's lying to you about where he's going, or waiting for a day your out , he couldn't bring himself to tell her straight, he was apologising saying he will miss her - in front of you!! which means she means way more to him than you "think". Ten years is a hugeeee amount of time to develop a relationship and connection with someone, secretly or not, and I don't believe for a second this will be the end of it. I think he's keeping you sweet so it's easier for him, but he'll still be seeing her without you knowing

pinkgin8 · 14/02/2021 15:00

Just re read that you had the call recorded. Why couldn't he do it in front of you op?
I think you deserve way more than what you have and there will be someone else out there who will treat you properly!! He is a pathetic excuse of a partner. Get rid

Chailatteplease · 14/02/2021 15:01

@jusstme

I absolutely hate what he has done to me and our family, he's tainted the life we had built together forever, we have been together since we were 20 yrs old, I haven't mentioned this in any of my post but our beautiful son died suddenly 8 months before I discovered the affair, our boy was only 22 and lived at home with us, that devastated us and will till the day I take my last breath. I was already broken when the affair was discovered. Maybe if I had been stronger emotionally the decision to leave would be easier.
That’s truly awful OP. I am so sorry you’ve been through all this.

It does explain your reaction a little more. It’s all too much to deal with and you must feel like your head is all over the place. I’ve already suggested therapy but I would urge you to get some more so now. You don’t need to make any decisions about your marriage whilst you’re in the depths of grief. Take it one day at a time.

You have my utmost sympathy Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/02/2021 15:04

@DNHandTNS

TBH it's women like her who make it easy for men to cheat. Laying everything out on a plate, no strings. She is at fault because she knew he was married

Decent men don't cheat. It is not women's responsibility to regulate men's behaviour. We all know the bullshit cheaters spin on both sides - she doesn't treat me well / we don't sleep together any more / separate rooms etc.

"Women like her" can't make an otherwise decent man cheat. Stop burning the witches and holding women to a higher moral standard than men who, contrary to what you seem to believe, can in fact control their penises.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/02/2021 15:05

OP I am so sorry about your lovely boy, I cannot imagine the depth of loss you must feel - I am just so so sorry Thanks

Hailtomyteeth · 14/02/2021 15:14

You can say all you like but no woman is 'responsible' for a man cheating. Not his wife, even if she gets fat and wrinkled and goes off sex; not his 'affair partner' even if she's young, lovely and available. The decision is his. He knows he is married or in an exclusive relationship. No-one is to blame but him.

Devlesko · 14/02/2021 15:28

Men cheat because women either put up with it, or when they are chucked out are able to find another woman willing to take them on.
So yes, without bad women there couldn't be bad men.
They are equally to blame.
By saying it's not the womans fault you are just encouraging it.
That's what society does now, morals have almost gone.
There are more blended families than nuclear now, considering most relationships end due to affairs, society seems to be fine with cheating men.

Redruby2020 · 14/02/2021 15:31

@jusstme

I discovered he had been having a 10 year affair, four months ago I came across emails between them, I have really struggled since them, emotions all over the place. We have been married 38 years.
10 years! Wow!
Wearywithteens · 14/02/2021 16:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MegaClutterSlut · 14/02/2021 16:51

I'm sorry about your son op Flowers

This man has been lying and cheating for 10 YEARS how the hell can you forgive that? Tbh it wouldn't surprise me if he resumes contact at some point either as he clearly loves her. You deserve so much better then this op, for the rest of your life, you're forever going to be checking up on him, waiting to catch him out or wondering where he is if he's a minute late.....fuck that LTB