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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

174 replies

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:45

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:47

Even when I explained the cutting the card was advice given to me and that it stops you from spending in shops he said "No, you just make sure you repay whatever you buy in full each month, it's called being an adult."

OP posts:

Ellenthegenerous · 13/02/2021 09:48

Run OP. You are on a DMP because, being kind, you could not manage your financial situation. Having another credit card with your unsupportive boyfriend is utter madness. Get far away from this man.

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:50

Yes I agree I could not manage it.
I only spend around 15 per month on his card and I repay it I full every time.
He has been supportive in other ways but don't understand his sneery attitude.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 13/02/2021 09:53

He’s being horrible; my DH has had issues with money and debt while I’ve never had problems and I’d never mock him that way. It’s bizarre how he can’t understand how other people are different to him; I’m not the same as DH in how he spends money but I accept that he needs certain things in place to limit him.

Pukkatea · 13/02/2021 09:54

You sound like you are doing well getting yourself into a better financial situation, taking responsibility for your past difficulties is 'being an adult' much more so than being a nasty man who laughs at other people's struggles.

Sunbird24 · 13/02/2021 09:54

Well done on recognising your issue, asking for help and taking proactive steps to do better OP. That’s what adults do.
If you don’t feel like you’re in a place where you could self-regulate credit card spending, then having a limit on it is also sensible. Your boyfriend sounds like he has low emotional intelligence and can’t see anything outside of his own point of view. You are doing great and he’s being unhelpful.

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:54

It's great to hear that you are supportive of him.
Yeah I don't understand, he is on benefits too, so he also knows about money struggles! I think putting a cap on and cutting cards up are ways to stop spending and just have them as credit building tools.

OP posts:

Pukkatea · 13/02/2021 09:55

Is he generally a tough love/i tell it like it is sort of person?

Rewis · 13/02/2021 09:56

He sounds like a bit of an ass. Maybe am alcoholic could just not drink the open bottle of wine in the fridge.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/02/2021 09:56

He sounds horrible.

SingingLoud · 13/02/2021 09:56

Why would you sign up for a credit card that you don’t actually need if you don’t feel you can control your own spending?

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:57

I don't see that at all as tough love though. He's laughing at the situation.
Tough love is saying something clear like you need to sort yourself out and stop spending.
It's frustrating because I am literally doing his job applications for him, he has dyslexia and other learning issues and struggles with the forms and on top of working full time I am doing the applications yet this is how he acts.

OP posts:

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 13/02/2021 09:57

Yes, an adult should be able to control their spending.

But yanbu because adults should also be able to control their alcohol, cigarettes, desire for junk food, weight, exercise, temper, work ethic blah blah blah.

None of us is perfect. You have recognised that you have a problem in this respect, and you ARE now taking control of it, and sensible actions like cutting up your credit card help with that. Well done.

He's being an arse.

firesidetartan · 13/02/2021 09:57

Him giving you an additional card won't make a blind bit of difference to your credit rating.

Get rid of him, not only is he being unsupportive he is actively encouraging you to use credit facilities, knowing you had a problem. He is trying to manipulate you.

Tiktaktoe · 13/02/2021 09:57

Stop spending on his card. There is no point cutting up your own and taking out another with him. Please tell me you have not put your name to his credit account.

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:58

Do you mean the card with him? It was just a way to rebuild my credit, I don't use my own card any more or any other.

OP posts:

peak2021 · 13/02/2021 09:58

Horrid man. No understanding of financial matters. You are better off without him.

Turin · 13/02/2021 09:58

He sounds awful. Why would you not support someone who is going through past issues that limit self control?

I did the same on my debt free journey- cut up credit cards, set limits and budgeted everything. I paid off my debt in 18 months through this method. His behaviour is vile. Do you really need this sort of toxicity?

We all have our battles and a spouse is expected to be supportive esp when you’re clearly trying so hard.

Marmite27 · 13/02/2021 09:58

If you’re put on as a secondary card holder, it won’t do anything for your credit score as the primary card holder is 100% responsible for the debt.

Bcnamechanger · 13/02/2021 09:58

Your boyfriend is a tube. You've come up with two great behavioural techniques for enforcing predetermined spending rules that you want to stick with at all times. These are great - you don't have to rely on self control at the time (where you've struggled in the past).

Just because he doesn't need/want them doesn't mean it's ok to be sneery to you because you do. He's the kind of wanker who would tell you to pull yourself together if you had pnd because his ability to see the world from anyone else's perspective is broken.

Enforce your spending strategies and point out to him that the adult thing to do is to learn from mistakes and avoid them. Consider thinking of your bf as one such mistake.

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:59

I have probably misunderstood then as I was told by him that using this card responsibly would help to improve my score hence why i suggested the cap on it.

OP posts:

HilaryBriss · 13/02/2021 10:00

Having a card on sometime else's credit card account won't help rebuild your credit score unfortunately as the account isn't in your name.

I have been in your position and owed loads on credit cards however my BF was supportive and helped me get rid of the debt. That was just over 10 years ago, and I learned my lesson! I now have a couple of credit cards and can finally use them like a 'proper adult', neither have anything owing on them.

Your BF is not being helpful or supportive.

firesidetartan · 13/02/2021 10:00

@Veronica65

I have probably misunderstood then as I was told by him that using this card responsibly would help to improve my score hence why i suggested the cap on it.

You haven't misunderstood. He has fed toy lies to encourage you to use credit. He wants you to fail. He will have control then.

firesidetartan · 13/02/2021 10:00

Fed YOU lies

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/02/2021 10:00

He sounds nasty. Never stay with someone who sneers at you or mocks you.

Well done on taking responsibility for your debt. You’re taking the intelligent path.

Dump.

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