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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

174 replies

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:45

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

OP posts:
DoItAfraid · 13/02/2021 11:57

@TatianaBis

And he has no self awareness if he needs help to do his own job applications he needs to pipe right down with the "it's called being an adult" comments.

Yes because a learning disability is exactly the same as lack of self control. Are you really calling the learning disabled un-adult?

Please do not put words into my mouth.

I am saying that he is happy to receive help with his difficulties but mocking the OP when she has her own.

that is why I said he should pipe down with his comments.

Please don't make things up that I didn't say.

Getting into debt is not always as simple as "lack of self control" by the way. I lost my job due to failing an exam and was fired and was on a work visa - it caused me to fall behind with payments I had previously been able to manage. It was nothing to do with lack of self control. People get into debt for many reasons.

Eckhart · 13/02/2021 11:57

@TatianaBis

I’m sorry but I think he has a point and making light of it is his way of dealing with it.

If any woman posted on here that her DP had uncontrolled spending, racked up debt, and had to cut up his credit cards they would be told to LTB.

I think if a woman posted and said that he'd arranged a debt management plan, and was comfortably adhering to it without 'racking up' further debt, you'd be wrong.
M0rT · 13/02/2021 11:57

He sounds like a friend I had who, when we were both overweight and I was dieting would try to tempt and then emotionally blackmail and then bully me into eating junk food with her.
It was all her issue with her weight and food, but the selfishness of trying to keep me from achieving my goal so she didn't have to change, when I was in no way trying to change her, was indicative of her whole worldview.
So we are no longer friends.

SD1978 · 13/02/2021 11:59

If you're named on the card, does that not also make you responsible if he racks up any debt? I would be getting rid of that risk ASAP

TatianaBis · 13/02/2021 11:59

@DoitAfraid

It is in OP’s case if she has to put a cap on a card to stop her spending.

thosetalesofunexpected · 13/02/2021 12:00

@Veronica65

Your Boyfriend is tempting you to fail money wise so he can control(manipulate)you under the disguise of being helpful to you by encouraging you to add your name to his credit card to use.

your Boyfriend is doing a classic manipulator Coercive control technique !

He is not as supportive as you really think op.

I reckon he is only really supportive of you Op,when he knows or wants to get his own way from you to do things that will benefit his ego in the short/long term.

TatianaBis · 13/02/2021 12:01

@Eckhart I’ve seen loads of posters advised to LTB over debt and excessive spending even with a debt plan. Leopard doesn’t change its spots etc.

Personally I would run a mile from someone who needed a cap on a credit card.

truthisalie · 13/02/2021 12:02

Yeah I don't understand, he is on benefits too, so he also knows about money struggles!

Not everyone who is on benefits has money struggles.

moonpig23 · 13/02/2021 12:02

He's mocking you when he's on the dole 🤣 what a joker. Dump him you don't need a boyfriend without a job.

DoItAfraid · 13/02/2021 12:04

[quote TatianaBis]@DoitAfraid

It is in OP’s case if she has to put a cap on a card to stop her spending.[/quote]
That's your opinion and it's very black and white.

People get into debt for many reasons. Putting a cap on spending is part of her plan to resolve her previous mistake.

You are extremely judgemental. You must be perfect.

Gilly12345 · 13/02/2021 12:04

Your boyfriend is an unsupportive dick and I would tell him to if he were mine, you deserve support and encouragement to continue to sort out this mess and he clearly is immature and without any common sense.

Some straight talking is needed, it sounds like he is encouraging you to build up more debt?

SunshineCake · 13/02/2021 12:06

Read up to him being sneery and hoped at the end you said so I dumped him for being an unsupportive twat.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 12:07

I know that not everyone on benefits finds it difficult go live on it. But what I meant was having seen the amount that UC expect people to live on, it's a paltry amount and he's previously had to go to food banks as a result.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/02/2021 12:09

@Veronica65

In the past i maxed out the 900 limit on my own card , I never use it at all now just pay what I can each month on the repayments.
Do you use a tool like Clear Score? It might be an idea for you to see where you are with your credit score.
SonjaMorgan · 13/02/2021 12:11

It sounds like he is setting you up to fail. Both myself and DH are fully grown adults and neither of us have had a credit card.

Coyoacan · 13/02/2021 12:14

Just for the record my BIL always went on about building a credit rating, since about forty years ago. But I like you, OP, am no good with a credit card so had to cancel mine up many moons ago. However with all and his build up credit rating, my BIL has nothing to show for it, no house to call his own, whereas I, without a credit rating, have a fully paid off flat

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 12:15

My score is just under "fair" now so getting better which is Great. Used to be very poor.

OP posts:
JoKenda · 13/02/2021 12:21

Yes he wants you to fail. He has deep insecurities due to his issues that you help him to overcome, yet in return he undermines you in order to make himself feel superior. This is not a healthy relationship. You should love yourself more than this.

thosetalesofunexpected · 13/02/2021 12:28

@Veronica65

The very fact you often support him your boyfriend to do complete his official forms paper work for him.

Shows me how responsible and adult you can be and are.

Ask yourself Op
Why does your boyfriend feel the need to sabotage my good efforts to get my impulse spending under control then?

There is a reason for it.

Your Boyfriend sounds like he has extremly low/non existant motional intelligence op.

I can amagine there are other examples of his insensitive smoking undermining comments/actions he has done/said to you?

there is a pattern/history/form for your boyfriend mistreating you like this isn't there op?

I don't think this is the first time op is it?

Did you know there is such a thing as Financial /money wise coercive control Domestic abuse op?

Its against the law in a relantship in uk for a partner to do this.

I say this as your boyfriend undermines/sabotages manipulate s your effects to sort out your money issues.

grassisjeweled · 13/02/2021 12:30

He seems to be taking you for a mug op. As we say on here, run for the hills.

HighSpecWhistle · 13/02/2021 12:34

  1. overspending is an addiction. If cutting the card helped then good on you. Why would he find that funny?

  2. don't share credit with ANYONE. He could ruin you financially. Stay independent in that regard.

partyatthepalace · 13/02/2021 12:36

Get rid of him - he’s the wrong person for you. You are managing your problematic behaviour around money well - but you are right to think you need boundaries. You cannot just manage money like someone who doesn’t have these issues.

The posters who are leaping to assume he’s trying to trip you up to take control are taking a leap. Having your name on his card won’t help your score, but he may believe it does.

Really he just sounds like someone without much psychological sophistication or empathy which is not what someone like you needs.

LadyDanburysCane · 13/02/2021 12:37

Having you as a named cardholder on his account has no effect on your credit rating as the credit agreement is in his name.

Gonescone · 13/02/2021 12:37

I dont think you're supposed to take out additional credit whilst you're on a DMP? I would get your name removed if I were you, as the DMP provider could cancel the agreement.

Your boyfriend sounds very immature

thosetalesofunexpected · 13/02/2021 12:43

@Veronica65

Oops sorry I have done two typo mistakes,I ment to say about your boyfriend smoking you op.

Also to say your boyfriend has extremly low/non existant emotional astuteness.

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