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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

174 replies

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:45

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 13/02/2021 11:39

There's some misinformation on debt even on this thread. You being named on his card does nothing for your credit score but equally it means that you are in now way liable for the debt.

A credit card belongs to one person only. Being named on it simply gives you permission to use it and nothing more.

OP you say you are on a DMP but is this directly arranged with your credit card provider? I would strongly suggest getting help from Stepchange or CAP. They will look at your overall situation but they can sometimes arrange for interest to be frozen when you're on a DMP.

MrsMoastyToasty · 13/02/2021 11:39

If you become a secondary card holder on a credit card account and then go on a spending spree then HIS credit score gets affected (you are just a third party to the account).

ApocalypseNowt · 13/02/2021 11:39

^no way

Flibbitygibbit · 13/02/2021 11:39

My friend was with someone (still is) who had credit cards in joint names. The someone spent on the joint card. Friend paid it off, then they got another and another until they'd accrued a lot of debt. The someone left the friend who was stuck with paying off the cards every month. Get yourself of his card . You don't need this. What if you split up ?

Original poster

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 11:41

I will be taken off it.

OP posts:

Cam77 · 13/02/2021 11:41

He sounds like a massive dick. Your intention was absolutely right. The best kind of credit card is one that's snapped in half.

Haffiana · 13/02/2021 11:43

@Veronica65

Even when I explained the cutting the card was advice given to me and that it stops you from spending in shops he said "No, you just make sure you repay whatever you buy in full each month, it's called being an adult."

The truth is that adults do their own research into what would help their credit score, and not just listen to a boyfriend.

Thebizz · 13/02/2021 11:43

He will have to be the one to take you off it? Do you trust him?

DoItAfraid · 13/02/2021 11:44

@Veronica65

I don't see that at all as tough love though. He's laughing at the situation. Tough love is saying something clear like you need to sort yourself out and stop spending. It's frustrating because I am literally doing his job applications for him, he has dyslexia and other learning issues and struggles with the forms and on top of working full time I am doing the applications yet this is how he acts.

He is horrible. Get away from him.

And he has no self awareness if he needs help to do his own job applications he needs to pipe right down with the "it's called being an adult" comments.

Get away from.

Just to give you a comparison, I got myself into a mess once with finances and my then boyfriend now husband had firm words with me but also did nothing but support me and essentially show me how to do things in a better way - at no point belittling me or making fun of me. I was ashamed of course but he helped me respectfully and patiently.

Your guy is being a dick.

He better sort it out otherwise you should leave him alone with his job applications. Some people are so ungrateful.

PeggyHill · 13/02/2021 11:44

Please don't share finances with him AT ALL - not even spending 15 quid a month and then paying him back.

Keep it all completely separate. Please look after yourself.

DoItAfraid · 13/02/2021 11:45

*get away from him

Haffiana · 13/02/2021 11:45

@PeggyHill

Please don't share finances with him AT ALL - not even spending 15 quid a month and then paying him back.

Keep it all completely separate. Please look after yourself.

This. Seriously.

BraveGoldie · 13/02/2021 11:46

OP, your bf's behaviour really worries me - I think it goes way beyond insensitive. I think unconsciously he wants you to fail in controlling your spending- perhaps because he feels bad about himself and wants you to be in an equally bad situation. He isn't just sneering he is actively trying to persuade you to do things that he knows can harm you. He has no respect for what you are telling him is right for you. He is actively trying to dissuade you from using the guardrails you have found to be useful in helping yourself.

This is like someone who tells an alcoholic 'oh come on - it's just one drink - I'll even buy it for you. Any adult can take
A drink and stop at one". Or someone who tells someone who has managed to turn around their overeating and is eating healthily by avoiding sugar "here's a biscuit- you're pathetic if you can't eat it"

You have done really well to turn around your financial situation and behaviours. It's obvious you understand your own temptation to mismanage money and are trying to manage this. You can continue to pay off your debts, and maybe In Time you won't even need such strict guardrails to manage yourself. For now, you know that you do and you have been doing great.

This man is trying to sabotage you. I hope you can get away from his influence.

ApocalypseNowt · 13/02/2021 11:47

There is no such thing as a credit card in 'joint names'.

passtheorange · 13/02/2021 11:47

He sounds like the sort of person who has a complete lack of empathy and understanding. When you are struggling with any kind of problem, he's going to be the same, I'm afraid. Sarcastic and scathing rather than kind, helpful and supportive.

Sorry OP, but there you go. You have a decision to make.

Fuckingcrustybread · 13/02/2021 11:49

@Veronica65

I have probably misunderstood then as I was told by him that using this card responsibly would help to improve my score hence why i suggested the cap on it.

You haven't misunderstood, he's lying. Well done for recognising and dealing with your spending. He's not trying to help you at all. He's belittling and undermining you. Please don't fall for his tricks.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 13/02/2021 11:50

OP, this man is not the one for you if he cannot support your desire to stay out of debt. He clearly has his own issues, you wouldn't turn round to him and tell him that "adults should know how to read and write" would you, because you know that he has dyslexia. He knows you have a debt problem , so should not be telling you to have a credit card.

Your credit rating will not benefit from this as the card is in his name.

You cut up the card because it is recommended by the professionals who deal with debt and also most companies insist on it so that you cannot continue spending once you are in a DMP. He does not know better than them.

I have seen firsthand, more than one person go bankrupt through credit card debt of £40-£50K, one of them did it twice. I applaud you on sorting it and not wanting to get into debt again.

To be honest, he sounds very ignorant and immature, and not the man for you. I remember dating a man for a very short time, who tried to get to try cider. I refused because I hate cider. He went on and on about how a child needs to try something several times before they like it. I pointed out that I was over 40 and DO NOT LIKE CIDER..... He was very ignorant and also had issues with dyslexia.

This man is not for you OP if he is failing to support you and also putting you down and sneering at you.

Crikeycroc · 13/02/2021 11:50

He probably feels inferior because he requires so much help from you in his job search. His fragile ego cannot handle this so he is looking to knock you off your perch. 🚩

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:51

So, he's on benefits but has recently become a credit card expert and is going to take out various cards...

I don't think you're the only one with a problem here - but you're the one who understands this stuff now! Keep well away.

TatianaBis · 13/02/2021 11:52

I’m sorry but I think he has a point and making light of it is his way of dealing with it.

If any woman posted on here that her DP had uncontrolled spending, racked up debt, and had to cut up his credit cards they would be told to LTB.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/02/2021 11:52

He sounds like a pompous arse.
I wouldn't bother with him.

You ARE doing the responsible adult thing, which is to stop the ever-spiralling descent into further debt - HE is being a wanker about it by sneering at you.

Not ideal partner material, sorry.

TatianaBis · 13/02/2021 11:53

And he has no self awareness if he needs help to do his own job applications he needs to pipe right down with the "it's called being an adult" comments.

Yes because a learning disability is exactly the same as lack of self control. Are you really calling the learning disabled un-adult?

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:54

@TatianaBis

I’m sorry but I think he has a point and making light of it is his way of dealing with it.

If any woman posted on here that her DP had uncontrolled spending, racked up debt, and had to cut up his credit cards they would be told to LTB.

You what?!

Eckhart · 13/02/2021 11:55

In fact, what adults do is support their partner's wishes. What adults don't do is laugh when their partners try to make responsible decisions.

There is a bigger issue, here, OP. Nobody is 'oversensitive'. You are exactly as sensitive as you should be, for you. You have your personality and your experiences in life, and they have put you at the level of sensitivity you are. You are more sensitive than some people, and less sensitive than others. Your feelings are who you are. If you do not respect them/try to minimise them/find fault with them, you are disrespecting/minimising your very core self. This is not healthy.

If somebody's actions or words make you feel 'too sensitive', that's because they are crossing your boundaries (which are dictate by your feelings), and then minimising your response. This is not a healthy relationship pattern.

You are posting to ask MN whether it is your fault or his fault that he has made you feel crap. Is it easier for you to answer, when it's phrased like that?

If he loves you, he won't continue to do something after you tell him you don't like it (unless it's a major lifestyle type thing, in which case he'll be keen to find a compromise) Ask yourself if he often over rides and minimises your feelings.

Livelovebehappy · 13/02/2021 11:55

I can’t believe he’s stupid enough to add you as a joint account holder. On a credit card the primary account holder still has sole responsibility for debt, and should you split, he will be left with the entire debt. Clearly you saying you still need the safety net of a cap indicates you’re still not confident of managing your finances, but he must trust you a lot to contemplate adding you to his account.

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