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Original poster

To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

174 replies

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:45

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 13/02/2021 10:43

Proper adults recognise their mistakes and then rectify it.

Proper adults respect that others make mistakes and are generally encouraging to those who are rectifying those mistakes.

It really does sound like he is trying to bring you down. As a PP said, I really can't think of any other reason other than being a dickhead/wanting to control you.

It makes no sense to have you on the card... his score will go down if he financially linked to your account. He could use that to guilt you and control you.

Take your name off the card and be super wary of anything he makes you feel shit about. Seriously, don't put up with him making you feel like shit. Its not normal... people who like each other and love each other do NOT do this to each other.

SingingLoud · 13/02/2021 10:45

Your boyfriend added you as a secondary credit card holder, telling you it would improve your credit rating.

It won’t, you took his word for it and didn’t bother checking whether that was correct.

What else haven’t you checked out?

Are you sure that your unemployed boyfriend who is on benefits, is the primary credit card holder? Is the credit card definitely in his name and not yours? You should probably look into that.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:46

I am not using the card as of now I have made an error and will be taken off now.

OP posts:
TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 13/02/2021 10:48

He sounds like a knob. Spending is an addiction. You've recognized it for what it is and have now made changes. You should be bloody proud. He should be proud of you and want to help you and encourage you to stay debt free. Not take the piss out of the helpful steps you take for yourself.

Ditch this prick.

LittleBearPad · 13/02/2021 10:51

@Veronica65

Do you mean the card with him? It was just a way to rebuild my credit, I don't use my own card any more or any other.
This will make no difference to your credit score.

The account is only in his name. You are only an additional cardholder.

Regardless he sounds unkind.

PicsInRed · 13/02/2021 10:54

First of all: well done on starting the journey to getting yourself out of debt and building a secure financial future. You'll be so proud of yourself when you get there and it will set you up for a warm and comfortable retirement. Flowers

The boyfriend:

  1. Being named on someone else's card doesnt help your credit as the billing is in their name.
  1. It will, however, allow him to see what you're buying, where you're going, and when.
  1. I can guarantee he will cut off your access to credit should he want to "punish you" and will ensure he does this at a moment you have no free cash (i.e in your bank account) to buy food.
  1. He doesn't like you taking charge and getting out of debt as it makes it easier for you to leave him and therefore harder for him to continue to emotionally (and possibly otherwise) abuse you.

So, I would leave him. 🗑🚮

SwannieDownThe · 13/02/2021 10:54

We all have vices; mine is food, and i am constantly battling my weight and considering food chpices, which other people dont even have to think about and take for granted. In contrast, i have an iron grip on my finances and this is never a problematic area for me. Your bf has a very immature outlook in not being able to appreciate this. I bet he has a vice somewhere too.....

ScreamingBeans · 13/02/2021 10:58

@PicsInRed

First of all: well done on starting the journey to getting yourself out of debt and building a secure financial future. You'll be so proud of yourself when you get there and it will set you up for a warm and comfortable retirement. Flowers

The boyfriend:

  1. Being named on someone else's card doesnt help your credit as the billing is in their name.
  1. It will, however, allow him to see what you're buying, where you're going, and when.
  1. I can guarantee he will cut off your access to credit should he want to "punish you" and will ensure he does this at a moment you have no free cash (i.e in your bank account) to buy food.
  1. He doesn't like you taking charge and getting out of debt as it makes it easier for you to leave him and therefore harder for him to continue to emotionally (and possibly otherwise) abuse you.

So, I would leave him. 🗑🚮

And 5. If you split up you'll be responsible for half the bill, not just the £15 you spend.

Sounds like he's found something he feels gives him some kind of hold over you

Red flag.

Cocomarine · 13/02/2021 10:59

Over spending isn’t always an addiction.
Sometimes, over spending is just irresponsible, immature behaviour.
Sometimes “over” spending is a horrible necessity that comes about through bad luck and lack of options - like a payday loan because of benefit errors.
It’s wrong to assume that over spending is an addiction.

Anyway. More to the point - @Veronica65 what are you actually going to do about your boyfriend now?

Emeraldshamrock · 13/02/2021 11:00

He might want failure or thinks he is being kind, don't go on his cc.
Asking what limit you can spend is mad don't spend anything unless it is an emergency.
You're already in debt.
I got in debt years ago. I don't have a cc I'm not responsible enough if it is not mine to spend I won't spend it.
My thinking is I can apply or ask family if I need one for an emergency use.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 11:01

I need to have a word with him and explain why it's not acceptable to sneer at me.

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/02/2021 11:01

Ignore the being named on the credit card.
If he loves you and wants to build a life together he would support you every step of the way. Kind supportive words and deeds. When you told him how credit cards made you feel, he would have heard and not offered a card or belittled your efforts to be debt free.
You don't need to work him out. You know precisely what you need. To get rid of the debt, avoid behaviours that will drag you back into it.
Your life partner gets that or not a life partner.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 11:04

I have been on this card but he has been telling me to get a 0% credit card. For a start i am not eligible but I have no interest in taking out any more credit.
The being on his card was only meant to be a credit builder tool, using it very minimally each month, I also have an app called bits and will look into loqbox.
Anyway I get I have made a mistake with it and as I said will not be using it again.

OP posts:
TheCatThatGotTheCream · 13/02/2021 11:04

He doesn't sound very supportive or even nice, does he? He sounds like he would react with utter glee if you found yourself getting into debt again.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 11:05

In the past i maxed out the 900 limit on my own card , I never use it at all now just pay what I can each month on the repayments.

OP posts:
blue25 · 13/02/2021 11:06

Not being able to manage your own finances isn’t great to be honest. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone on a DMP. Sorry.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 11:09

The fact he is encouraging you to get another credit card is concerning.
Do you know his financial situation in full? If he's unemployed and trying to push you into a 0% credit card, is there a chance he has his own financial issues (such as using a new deal 0% credit card to pay off a previous debt)? Could he be hoping that in exchange for you going on his card, he then gets his name on your shiny new card and he can spend in your name?

Hands up, I might be being really cynical though.

Thebizz · 13/02/2021 11:10

Does that mean you would be liable for his debt on the credit card too? And he is on benefits?

AintPageantMaterial · 13/02/2021 11:11

ScreamingBeans is right. If you become a named cardholder on his account then you are legally jointly liable for the FULL balance on that card, not just the spending that you personally have done.
Your boyfriend could leave you in worse debt.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:12

Well done on managing your debt problem, OP! Flowers

Your boyfriend sounds like an arse, tbh. If there's anyone who isn't behaving like an adult here it's him, not you.

ScreamingBeans · 13/02/2021 11:12

Take your name off his card. Immediately.

Don't have legal and financial liabilities which are controlled by him, not you.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:13

@Veronica65

I have been on this card but he has been telling me to get a 0% credit card. For a start i am not eligible but I have no interest in taking out any more credit. The being on his card was only meant to be a credit builder tool, using it very minimally each month, I also have an app called bits and will look into loqbox. Anyway I get I have made a mistake with it and as I said will not be using it again.
Don't just "not use it". Get off his card!

And ignore his stupid advice about getting a 0% card. What is he on? Why is he obsessed with you getting more credit, when it's clearly a problem for you? Would he be advising an alcoholic to have "just one" drink??/!!!

Cocomarine · 13/02/2021 11:14

I don’t think it’s at all concerning that he’s suggesting a 0% card.
Sometimes it makes financial sense.

Where it doesn’t, is where people don’t understand balance transfer fees, or then start spending on the old card again. Or, if your DMP has frozen any further interest, it would make no sense.

But it’s a reasonable suggestion that even a debt advisor would suggest - but they’d also talk to you about cancelling the old card, etc.

It’s not taking out more credit if you cancel the other card, just changing your credit.

Fine if you’re not eligible (I guess because of the terms of the DMP?) but if he didn’t know that, the suggestion was reasonable.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:16

I don't think it's reasonable. Just like "having one drink" is reasonable for a non-alcoholic, doesn't mean it's reasonable for someone who has a history of not being able to deal with drink!

MrsWindass · 13/02/2021 11:17

@Veronica65

Do you mean the card with him? It was just a way to rebuild my credit, I don't use my own card any more or any other.
If you are a secondary person on his card it does not help your credit score . I only discovered this after a divorce .