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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

174 replies

Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 09:45

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 13/02/2021 10:01

He’s a fuckwit. The last thing you need is access to more credit.

JackieWeaverFever · 13/02/2021 10:02

You need a new boyfriend.
Stick with what you were doing and Stop spending on his card!

RandomMess · 13/02/2021 10:02

With the joke is on him as you being a secondary card holder on his account is meaningless. More like another way of holding you using his card over you tbh.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:02

Maybe that's why he laughed at the idea of me having a spending cap on it as he wants me to fail. I just don't know what to think now.

OP posts:
SingingLoud · 13/02/2021 10:02

Do you mean the card with him? It was just a way to rebuild my credit, I don't use my own card any more or any other.

That’s bollocks, it won’t rebuild your credit. Have you looked into that properly (obviously not), or is it just a great excuse to get another credit card?

Come on, your debt advisor told you to cut up your credit card and you genuinely think getting another credit card is advisable. Nope.

Ellenthegenerous · 13/02/2021 10:03

OP don't take the other card, seriously. If you are on a DMP, the worst thing you can do is use another credit card. With the greatest of respect, have you learnt nothing? If you want help with budgeting going forward then check out someone like The Budget Mom. She has free resources for you to use. Get rid of the boyfriend, and don't take out more credit. Your life will improve exponentially if you do both!

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:03

Ok there's no need to be harsh, I didn't know, now I know I will ask to be taken off it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:04

That was for another poster sorry.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2021 10:05
Thanks

Sounds like the support in your relationship is going all one way.

cheesebubble · 13/02/2021 10:06

It sounds like he doesn't have the same issue as you but cannot understand as to why it's an issue for you which shows his emotional immaturity, I wouldn't say run as some other posters say. I would say you're doing brilliantly, you recognised there is a problem, followed the advice of the professionals and getting out of debt slowly but surely, that's what an adult would do.

I would not sign up on a credit card with him until you've paid off your credit card. I'm very much like: don't spend money you don't have unless you genuinely have to and I personally agree, we have credit cards but pay it off every month.

I came to the UK 10 years ago and noticed at University that being in debt is such a normal circumstance in this country. The fact that you have to be in debt to build up your credit score still baffles me. Do you need to build up your credit score at the moment? Do you have a bad credit score? You should be ok now that you pay it off every month.

LuaDipa · 13/02/2021 10:06

So he can’t apply for a job without your help but wants to lecture you about being a responsible adult? I agree with pp, he is horrid. Move on.

tashac89 · 13/02/2021 10:09

Your best bet would be to finish your DMP and take out something that will help you build your credit score without providing credit if a decent credit score is an end goal. Prepay credit cards usually charge a monthly fee, but its small and you can only spend what you preload the card with, places like loqbox report your monthly payments to credit bureaus but it is a savings account, at the end of the year they can help you open a good savings account or transfer it to an account you already have. Take a good look around at your options and don't go with actual credit.

notacooldad · 13/02/2021 10:09

Why haven't you said ' why the fuck are you sneering at me tosser, I'm doing my best here!!! ?

Cocomarine · 13/02/2021 10:27

How on earth would you put a limit on the secondary name of a credit card? When you key the number or swipe the card, how does the system know it’s you and not him?

I don’t understand why you decided to cut up one and then use his. Even when you erroneously thought it would help your credit score - you have a credit card of your own, albeit only one you can use online. So why not set your own limit, and use that?

I wouldn’t find it childish for you to set your own limit on your own card, but I would find it childish if you asked me to set a limit on mine for you.

I wouldn’t sneer at you about it, but it wouldn’t be on the plus column for my relationship with you.

Cadent · 13/02/2021 10:34

You don't need a credit card, just use your debit card.

If you do want a cc to build up your credit rating, you can set a limit yourself, you don't need to be on a card with this.

It sounds like you were angling to use his credit card without having to pay him back. i.e. you say 'can i set a limit?' and he says, 'don't worry, I'll pay it off.' And it backfired.

Cadent · 13/02/2021 10:35

*card with him

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:37

That's totally wrong, I wasn't 'angling' I have never not paid anyone back as that's a shitty thing to do.
I've made a mistake re the card issue I've got that so I'm going to cancel my name on it

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 13/02/2021 10:38

I voted YABU because you are on a DMP and resting what you owe.
Don’t take out any joint credit as it undermines what you are working towards in repaying your debt.
Also be extremely wary of the boyfriend who doesn’t seem to be acting in your best interests in the matter.

Mellonsprite · 13/02/2021 10:38

Repaying - not resting.

Original poster
Veronica65 · 13/02/2021 10:39

My own card was maxed out and was a high interest one so I don't use it at all now just pay what I can each month.

OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 13/02/2021 10:39

Yes you got into financial trouble. But you then did “what proper adults” do and found a responsible solution and are paying everything back and sticking to your budget. Proper adults face up to their problems and take ownership to solve them which is exactly what you’ve done.

Everyone struggles with different things in life. While it can be hard to fully understand why someone struggles with something that comes easy to you, if you care about that person you still support them and don’t mock them for it.

QueenieMum · 13/02/2021 10:39

How does your bf feel about his dyslexia & learning issues? I think he's projecting - he doesn't feel good that you have to help him with some things so he's trying to make you feel bad about your issue so that you're 'equal'.

Whatever the reason I certainly wouldn't be helping him if he continues to sneer, put you down or make you feel bad about anything. It's unhealthy and destructive.

FrenchBoule · 13/02/2021 10:39

Don’t use your boyfriend’s card and be wary of him as it doesn’t look like he has your best interests at heart. Good partner would be supportive of your decision and not trying to get you back on the path that took you where you are.

I wouldn’t offer an alcoholic drink to sobering alcoholic.
I wouldn’t offer a cigarette to somebody trying to stop smoking.

On the same principle I wouldn’t offer a credit card to somebody recovering from over spending.

Keep going OP. Don’t listen to your boyfriend.

Aprilx · 13/02/2021 10:41

I thought cutting up credit cards was a well known first step for getting debts under control. To the second bit, I don’t really understand why you would cut up cards on one hand and then have yourself added to somebody else’s card on the other. I am not surprised he was worried about this, although strange he offered considering you were trying to manage debt. I don’t see what he found hilarious though.

LolaSmiles · 13/02/2021 10:43

He was mean to mock you cutting up your credit card.
You're better off not having a credit card than going on his and then asking for a spending limit though as whilst you've made progress, the fact you are entertaining the idea of more credit and are worried about running up debt means credit is 100% the wrong thing for you.

I'm not sure about how him offering to add you is setting you up to fail and trying to get you under control as he would be liable for any debt you ran up, not you. Years ago was going to add DH to mine to build his credit (low score because he had never used credit) and it wouldn't have worked because it would still be my account.