To think my boyfriend is mocking my financial situation

[Veronica65]

Or maybe just being insensitive.
I have had debt issues over the last couple of years which I was honest about with him.
Anyway I now have a DMP and work full time and meeting the monthly payments which is great, the debt is going down and i have a budget.
I cut my credit card up which I was advised to do by a debt advisor, it prevents you from spending in shops.
When my boyfriend found out I had cut it up he said that "wasn't what proper adults did" and was sneering at it really.

Next my boyfriend has a credit card himself which he offered to name me on and I thought that was very kind and it would to rebuild my score.
I asked him if there was a way for me to put a limit on it for myself to cap the amount I could spend, as this would help me stick to a budget and help me be responsible.
He seemed to find this hilarious and also scary in the same breath and again questioned why on earth I would do that as if it were some ludicrous idea.
So I haven't done it and again for some reason he started laughing about it last night.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is be being insensitive and unhelpful. Thanks

Cocomarine
If the OP was further down the line on managing her spending then I would agree with you. Sometimes it is reasonable to have new credit with a low limit to rebuild your credit score.

An unemployed man putting a reforming spendaholic on his credit card AND suggesting she gets even more credit doesn't strike me as the actions of a supportive partner.

@HelloThereMeHearties we don’t know that his 0% suggestion was an “obsession” with him for her taking out more credit. Transferring to a 0% card (cancelling) the other would - in other circumstances - have stopped internet multiplying, and allowed her to build up a history of not missing payments. It’s not necessarily a bad idea - though it often ends up that way, when the 0% period ends!

As to go on his card... I do agree that this man is mean with his sneering, but I don’t see that at all as him trapping her in more debt. For a start - it’s in his name! It was a stupid suggestion because we all know that being a second cardholder doesn’t help your credit. But OP didn’t know that, so I’m guessing he didn’t either. He just made what he thought was a helpful suggestion. And rather trusting I think, to give his credit card to someone who is only learning to manage credit.

Whatever way you look at it, he's an idiot. Trouble with your spending? Come on my card! Can't cope with credit? Get another credit card!

Don’t let people sneer at you. A big part of being an adult is the ability to realise when you’ve made a mistake and take responsibility for that mistake. Both of which you seem to be doing

@LolaSmiles I agree with you that I wouldn’t advise the 0% in this situation!

I’m just speaking up against some people seemingly thinking he’s trying to deliberately trap the OP in some way. Or, in financial terms, being unsupportive. (clearly he’s not emotionally supportive!)

I simply think that his suggestions reflect that he’s as naïve about money management as she is. How do we know he wouldn’t also have said, “new card arrived - make sure to cancel old one, right?”

Is he unemployed? OP just said benefits. Whichever - neither of those make you bad with money. Some of the people who are best at managing money have low income - by necessity!

OP - check out Dave Ramsey on youtube.

He sounds like a horrible boyfriend. Do you want to be with someone who laughs at your difficulties and sets you up to fail?

@HelloThereMeHearties

Whatever way you look at it, he's an idiot. Trouble with your spending? Come on my card! Can't cope with credit? Get another credit card!

I’m just waiting for an accusation of being the boyfriend now 🤣

But how do we know he recklessly suggested just racking up new spending on a second card? Why wouldn’t he have suggested doing the balance transfer then cancelling the old card? It’s a pretty basic move for managing a debt. Yeah, it’s a problem when you open card after card, or don’t use the 0% period to get the balance paid off - or reduced to an amount that still makes the transfer a good move. I haven’t seen anything that suggests he was pushing credit on her, just suggesting ways to help - albeit some (like the second name) weren’t actually helpful.

If they were both correct that being on his account would help her, then I think it was a generous and supportive thing for him to do - to risk letting her having his card, to help build her credit. That’s supportive, I think! (albeit totally misplaced as neither of them seem to have a clue about credit cards)

So not only is he unsupportive and sneers at you when you take proactive steps to manage your debt he is incapable of completing job applications and expects you to do it for him?
He sounds like a loser who is going to become more resentful aa you continue getting your life together.

He had never had credit before until recently and got very into cards, watching a lot of YouTube videos on them and giving me long financial lectures and about different types of cards etc.

@Cocomarine He mocked OP for cutting up her credit card, as she had been advised to do by a credit professional.

He's a sneery idiot. Not nice at all. And also weirdly, actively unhelpful.

So he’s unemployed can’t complete job applications without help but is also an expert financial adviser ?
Sneering at people isn’t nice at all but he’s got nothing to sneer at in fact op could dish up a dose if it to him next time ( obviously I’m not suggesting you do that as it’s very nasty to mock someone with dyslexia)
So either he is a total hypocrite or he is feeling very sensitive about his job and puts the op down the only way he knows how to. He could also be trying to deliberately sabotage your progress either due to his feeling inadequate and he wants to see you fail or because he wants to take over control of your finances - you work he doesn’t and once your debts are paid off you will have spare cash.
Op cut up the second card and don’t listen to him about 0% cards etc. You seem to have a handle on your issue and are managing well so keep it up.

With regards to your bf if the rest of your relationship is great you can just not discuss this issue or you could try to get to the bottom of why he needs to do this.
If there are cracks in the rest of your relationship - well just dump him.

I would be concerned that (despite you taking stock of your situation, seeking help and addressing it) he is setting you up to be seen as the financially irresponsible one, so that, if you ever blend finances later, he can take control of them all and scrutinise/criticise your spending, even once its under control

@Veronica65

He had never had credit before until recently and got very into cards, watching a lot of YouTube videos on them and giving me long financial lectures and about different types of cards etc.

I would keep away from this credit car crash, if I were you. You sort yourself out - as you are doing, well done! - and let him get on with being "clever".

Get your debt sorted out and then worry about rebuilding your credit score.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but while you're on a DMP that's what will matter to your credit score, so messing about with creditcards it's just pointless.

Don't take advice from your BF as he doesn't know what he's on about and being named on his creditcard doesn't help a bit.

And dump him for laughing at you and being unsupportive. You're doing your best, you can do without nay-saying bollocks.

I think perhaps you're both very different people you have recognised you need steps in place to help you be realistic with your spending, I suspect for your partner that is sorta built in second nature and he cant grasp why an adult would need that.

With that said hes being pretty nasty about it and I would have to tell him as much.

also, if you are named on his credit card and it all goes to shit - will you be seen as equally liable for the debt? Id keep things seperate if I were you. For the sake of £15 a month it doesnt seem worth the hassle

While I don’t think the BF should have put the OP on to his credit card, the fact here is that the OP is an adult. If she knows she has problems with spending then she shouldn’t agree to go on someone else’s credit card. And asking him to put a spending limit on for her isn’t taking control it’s saying “I don’t trust myself not to get you into debt, so I need to be treated like a child.”

IMO cutting up a credit card is a good idea if you’ve got yourself so fr into debt that you can’t be trusted, but decreasing your credit limit isn’t. If you can’t control your spending then you shouldn’t have a credit card.

I paid off my card in April and I didn’t owe much on it to start with. But my DP suggested that I could just put a spending cap on it in future, but why would I? If my spending was that out of control then I shouldn’t be taking on more debt.

Ironically when my new credit card arrived last January I shredded what I thought was my old one. It was only when I got my card out to put something on it in November that I realised I’d shredded the wrong card 😂

I think your bf is being immature but probably nothing more sinister.

I think trying to help you by offering his credit card (not knowing that it won’t help). Tbh I wouldn’t give my card to someone I knew had spending problems - that shows a lot of trust.

I do think you need to be careful with advice on Mumsnet - it’s very black and white, as we haven’t witnessed the situation.

If I was upset I’d say so ‘you are being a bit unkind’. He probably doesn’t even realise as in most circumstances no one is ever right or wrong just different ways / approaches / background / education. What he thought as a joke / tough love you may have read as sneering.

This is why I think so many relationship problems exist - people not being able to make certain judgements in person. Online advice can help but not always.

Be cautious don’t take him up on his offer, watch his behaviour and control issues as could be just a mis-communication.

Not great to be in a relationship with someone who sneers at you.
Your partner should be someone who respects and admires you. Just because you’ve made mistakes in the past and had struggles does not mean you are not worthy of that.

@QueenieMum

How does your bf feel about his dyslexia & learning issues? I think he's projecting - he doesn't feel good that you have to help him with some things so he's trying to make you feel bad about your issue so that you're 'equal'.

Whatever the reason I certainly wouldn't be helping him if he continues to sneer, put you down or make you feel bad about anything. It's unhealthy and destructive.

Absolutely. If I was being charitable I would say this is about his insecurity. However, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. I’m fairly sure you’d never mock him for the help he needs.

I might sit him down and tell him he’s being shitty but if he doesn’t immediately see that he’s been a twat, apologise and stop, that would be the end of the relationship.

I’ve been where you are and it was a slog. I’m now almost debt free and DH and I have completely overhauled our finances but he’s never once made me feel shit about the extra measures I need in place to stop it happening again. That’s not what people do when they love you.

He genuinely just doesn’t understand. You need to talk him through how it all happened. You sound quite young and not everyone has experience of addiction. He doesn’t understand that rationality and willpower do not always triumph against those deep inner drives as he has no experience of it. He thinks it’s funny and sweet, like a child not being able to resist a sweet because he can’t see the dark side of it. You need to spell this out and also spell support you need from him.

You need to do more than not use the card. You need to contact the credit card company and find out how to officially dissociate yourself from the card.

I have never had a credit card nor has my husband. We have taken out small loans from banks only to build our credit. We also had rent (now a mortgage) savings and bills to pay as part of our credit building. Stay away from credit cards and spend within your means. This is what your financial advisor is trying to teach you how to do and when that is under control then look at small loans ( like couple of hundred at a time) to build your credit. Please don't get a credit card you don't need it! A credit card does not mean you are an adult.

OP,
Well done for taking action.

Your boyfriend is a nasty piece of work and is another mistake you are making.

He has shown you who he is.
Believe him.

You are wasting time with someone who doesn't really care about you.

Someone who genuinely cared about you would NEVER EVER sneer at you.

EVER.

Raise your relationship bar.

Look at it this way? If you were obese and trying to lose weight would he fill the house woth crisps and biscuits, order a huge pizza for you both every night and follow it up with a tub of ice cream each? If he did everyone would be horrified.

Its a similar scenario