Punishing the wrong person aibu

[Createsuser]

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

The grandad sounds like a thin-skinned, manipulative brat.

Does he have form for that sort of thing?

Were I his wife, or daughter, I'd give him time to calm down, then have a quiet word. I suspect they're all habituated to tiptoeing around him.

GF sounds immature at best, not forgiving his 11yr old GD for something said universally but he took personal offence? So how many punishments does she need. He's already told her off, not paid for whatever he usually does and now ignoring her. 😳

Grandfather's going to permanently affect his relationship with his grandson here, which is a shame, as the grandson is being punished for something he didn't do. If my grandfather had done that it would have changed how I thought and felt about him forever.

I think this is a very useful lesson for B to learn about older men using their money and position to control young women, and keep them compliant.

If I was your DF, I’d be saying thank you to grandfather for helping teach this valuable lesson to her daughter. Then I’d go low contact with grandfather for a while.

Grandfather sounds pretty unpleasant.

Whatever it is this is a sick example of an older man telling a young girl what she can and cannot do as he provides the money (I am guessing ) . Do as I want or you get excluded .

^This.

No doubt he is genuinely offended but he is the adult and she is the child. He won't accept an apology - he is the one who is rude and entitled in this scenario.

No, you said there’s enough info in the OP to decide child was rude. When there blatantly isn’t.

There blatantly is. Just not exactly how rude.

He’s usually mild tempered but when he gets angry he can overreact

My DH is a bit like this. If you’ve upset me, you’ll know about it - there and then. I’m a pretty fiery person. DH is much milder; much more tolerant, actually. But I’ve seen it on several occasions where someone (kids, colleagues) has been behaving poorly for a while. He’ll chunter to me about it, but will let it ride with them....until there’s a straw that breaks the camel’s back and he goes ballistic. To him, it’s a justified culmination of months of irritation, but for them? It comes pretty much out of nowhere. So they may think it’s a complete overreaction, when, in his mind, it’s perfectly justified.

My money is on the grandfather being out of that mould. So he will have discussed at length with his wife how poor he thinks B’s behaviour is, that she’s cheeky and rude or whatever....but he won’t ever have pointed this out before. And this was just the final straw for him. Otherwise, surely you’d be taken aback rather than leaping to withdraw treats from both kids - a “gosh, not like B to behave badly - what’s going on?” type reaction. I’d lay money on B having form for this sort of thing....

I think this is a very useful lesson for B to learn about older men using their money and position to control young women, and keep them compliant.

So much projecting. He can’t help being male. He can’t help that it happened to be the female grandchild who was rude to him. Being respectful to your relatives isn’t “compliance”, it’s simple good manners.

Even if he does reinstate this mysterious 'privilege' it sounds like they
won't ever be able to enjoy it fully again, knowing that they are only one mistake away from being 'cut off' and having to live without it again

Indeed this. I actually assumed the privilege was a mobile phone/contract, maybe better than the parents could afford.

I cant live without my phone these days and I know teens and tweens are welded to theirs when possible. So to potentially have that gone at a moments notice and because a 11 year old was assumed rude seems a bit over the top for A. More understandable for B.

I would really like to say though at 11 myself I was completely away with the fairies in my own head and things like a yacht sinking would have gone right over me and a week later I would not remember a thing about it. So many months later I can imagine (if I had been the type) cracking an unwise joke without thinking. I apparently said many cheeky things as a child that to this day I dont believe were cheeky, more honest if anything. And if my much loved grandpa had had strong words with me or shouted at me I too would have hung up in shock. And then apparently been told that was rude too!

He can’t help being male. He can’t help that it happened to be the female grandchild who was rude to him.

But he can help how he reacts - he is over-reacting to a ridiculous extent.

I think the OPs statement that the rest of the family were open mouthed in shock at the first joke / whatever, and 2 more followed, shows it was well over the line of cheeky into outright rude.

But he can help how he reacts - he is over-reacting to a ridiculous extent.

How do you know he is overreacting? You don’t know what she said.

A great lesson in the benefits of achieving financial independence, anyway.

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@Createsuser - I can understand what you say about your friend not wanting to feed into the drama, so being ‘business as usual’ about things - but I can’t help feeling that this is letting both children down. B needs to know that her behaviour was beyond the pale, and that her parents disapprove of what she did. I’m not saying they should lock her into a cupboard until her grandfather forgives her, but there needs to be some indication for her that she overstepped the mark, and needs to learn a lesson from it - I’m not sure she will see this, if mum is being ‘business as usual’ about it.

And more importantly, to my mind, she is letting A down, because she is letting her father punish A unfairly, for something that absolutely was not his fault. She is showing A that her father can treat him very unfairly, and she ill not stand up for her own son.

I well remember my mum not standing up for me (in different circumstances, but still it hurt me at the time, and still does), and A is going to learn the lesson that his mum won’t stand up for him - he won’t forget it.[/quote]
Totally agree- b shouldn't be led to believe that it's all just grandad overreacting - which he may be, we don't have enough info to tell really - mum should be making sure she's aware that actions have consequences . If I was a I would feel let down

The grandad sounds very immature and appears to have escalated the drama by being spiteful and withholding something.
It's the role of the parents to identify and discipline kids (and they are just that kids) so they understand what they did wrong and apologise to grandad.
The grandad needs to give his head a wobble and not be so sensitive, he's meant to be the adult!
Grateful this isn't my family

B needs to learn to read the room

That’s a big ask for an 11 year old. Mine is pretty switched on and generally really sensitive to others, sometimes overly so. But she can also be incredibly self absorbed and not realise the impact on others. She’ll find that balance with our help, but to expect it at all times from an 11 year old is ridiculous.

I know he's over-reacting because in my family no grandpas or indeed any grandparents shout at my children! At all. We parent, they grandparent. They just don't shout at my girls and that's how we all get along (plus they tend to try to see the best in them which I appreciate a lot, especially when they were little and would be badly behaved or have a tantrum). Shouty grandparents= not close, it's that simple. He wasn't in a parental role, no need to shout.

I know he's over-reacting because in my family no grandpas or indeed any grandparents shout at my children! At all. We parent, they grandparent.

I didn’t see that he was shouting.

But now I’ve seen it. He shouldn’t have shouted (probably). That doesn’t mean he is overreacting by being upset.

Being respectful to your relatives isn’t “compliance”, it’s simple good manners.

Just because someone shares blood, doesn’t mean they automatically deserve respect. I have zero respect for my brother. I wouldn’t expect DD to respect him either. Thankfully we don’t see him often, but when we do we go for “arms length polite” in order to avoid any awkwardness for other relatives in the room.

I'm pretty sure the Op said it in one of the later posts, but given this is a third-hand story, we can't really know whether he proper shouted or just said 'hang on there, that's a bit rude young lady...'

Anyway, either way, it's probably better to wait til they've had their vaccine and make up in person, it sounds like the tension of lockdown and Zooming is getting to everyone.

How do you know he is overreacting?

Because he is punishing A as well as B.

You don’t know what she said.

It doesn't matter what she said. She apologised and is contrite. He would do better to explain to her why it was so hurtful to help ensure that it doesn't happen again.

Here we have a thread about a thing that has been said, but we don't know what, and a thing/treat that has been withdrawn, and we don't know that either. So not a lot to go on really.

But The ‘head of the family’ guff makes him sound like an insufferably pompous patriarchal arse. I agree with this. Regardless.

If you want better answers, you'll need to tell us what actually happened. Highly unlikely that your DF/Fil the children's DGD will be trawling MN looking for himself featuring in Threads of the Day.

He takes his role as head of the family seriously

Not rtft but GF sounds like a grade A arsehole.