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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Punishing the wrong person aibu

534 replies

Createsuser · 13/02/2021 07:09

So this is for a friend but it’s lockdown and there’s not much else to do.

DF has two DC’s A- sensible, mature and B- impulsive funny and cheeky. She comes from quite a traditional family who are fairly strict. During a recent family Zoom call with the grandparents B made some off colour jokes then when the grandfather gave her a firm telling off hung up on him. The grandfather has now issued some punishments (don’t want to say what as it would be outing) to A and B. A wasn’t involved and told B off for being a fool and said she should have known the grandparents would be upset. So in essence A is now being punished for B’s behaviour which he didn’t agree with. The grandparents won’t listen to A’s side of the story. WWYD and Aibu to think this is unfair?

OP posts:
TriflePudding · 13/02/2021 18:40

@TatianaBis

No probs.

Flowers instead of an olive branch ! Smile

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/02/2021 18:45

The grandfather knew exactly what he was doing when he punished A.

TBH I'd keep the kids away from him before he managed to completely ruin their relationship.

Hesma · 13/02/2021 19:00

How is this your business?🤷‍♀️

FrippEnos · 13/02/2021 19:15

SignsofSpring

I know he's over-reacting because in my family no grandpas or indeed any grandparents shout at my children! At all. We parent, they grandparent.

Part of the problem seems to be a distinct lack of parenting.

Livpool · 13/02/2021 19:20

This must be a Mafia family - or else the Borgia's

KilljoysDutch · 13/02/2021 19:27

"Everyone else sat there open mouthed including A."

That part kind of implies that B was being rude since everyone else was open mouthed and they wouldn't be if they didn't think it was meant to be offensive.

Blindstupid · 13/02/2021 19:37

Or just a completely thoughtless remark not realising the impact to the grandfather. There are children out there, my daughter included, that don’t have the expected filters and literally do not realise the possible impact of their words, and also speak as soon as their brains think it. The girl here though was repeating a joke she’d heard. Seems very reasonably innocent and not intentionally malicious.

thistimelastweek · 13/02/2021 19:51

What KilljoysDutch said. The whole family knew she crossed a line and they sat there whilst she crossed it twice again. That was bad enough. The whole thing might have ended with the telling off from her Grandad but she then had the audacity to hang up on him.

I don't know B or her family so I can only surmise, but I've never yet met a parent who knew and cared about their child's propensity for cheekiness/rudeness who didn't shut it down at the first sign.

Yeah, Grandad might have overreacted. But who wants to get old and be the butt of the joke of an impertinent child ?

steff13 · 14/02/2021 00:57

@FrippEnos

SignsofSpring

I know he's over-reacting because in my family no grandpas or indeed any grandparents shout at my children! At all. We parent, they grandparent.

Part of the problem seems to be a distinct lack of parenting.

This was my thought. Perhaps if the parents had disciplined her instead of just sitting there with their mouths open, the grandfather wouldn't have stepped in.
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 14/02/2021 02:49

As so many have said, GF shouldn’t punish child A, but A’s acceptance of it makes me think B was being rude not just thoughtless.

I’m also guessing B kept singing Janis Joplin and GF had crashed his Mercedes Benz

and punishment was stopping riding lessons

Feel like I’m playing consequences now Confused

Brefugee · 14/02/2021 12:33

This is one of the weirdest threads ever. Because it's a grandfather he is automatically in the wrong? Grandparents should hand over (expensive?) treats with absolutely no expectation of a minimum standard of politeness. And young girls should continue to be as rude as they like to people because... patriarchy?

Maybe the GF is overreacting, maybe not. But if it is his money and he's giving the treat (whatever it is) of his own volition, then he can stop doing it any time he likes. Seems a bit off to deprive A, but from previous OPs updates A doesn't really seem to mind.

Maybe the rudeness wasn't intended, maybe it was. But if it was noticed that it happened 3 times, maybe the mum could have tried to nip it in the bud from the first time? Because as we know, people can offend others without really grasping that what they are doing is offensive but the recipient of the offence is the only person who knows and can say how offensive it is. We know that this is a difficult thing for a lot of people to judge because things like sexist "bants" at work still happen etc.

From where I'm sitting there are combinations of likely scenarios here and nobody except those involved will ever know. Maybe in future this will be a philosophical debate with no clear answer just like the trolley problem, that is used to torture philosophy students for ever and a day.

TheLaughingGenome · 14/02/2021 12:35

I think it was hard to get past the sinking of The Mary Rose tbh.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2021 14:42

@Brefugee - for me, the issue isn’t that the grandfather has withdrawn the treat/privilege/whatever from B, who was rude to him - it’s the way he is punishing A in exactly the same way, despite the fact that A has done absolutely nothing wrong. How is that not unfair to A?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 14/02/2021 14:44

[quote SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]@Brefugee - for me, the issue isn’t that the grandfather has withdrawn the treat/privilege/whatever from B, who was rude to him - it’s the way he is punishing A in exactly the same way, despite the fact that A has done absolutely nothing wrong. How is that not unfair to A?[/quote]
That's because he knows he won't get the backlash from A, his sibling will. It's a double punishment on B , A is just collateral damage/a tool in his punishment.

Like I said, he knew exactly what he was doing by punishing A.

MRex · 14/02/2021 15:00

If the grandfather is happy to lose grandchildren because of an 11 year old being cheeky on one phonecall then they aren't the kind of grandparent who's worth having. It sounds like the grandfather has severe anger management issues that won't be a surprise to any in the family; short fuse, excessive reaction and a long time to calm is a nasty combination. I would be wary of that with kids in any event and it might be good for them to back off a bit, presents aren't worth putting up with nastiness. If it were my kids, then I'd let A know it's nothing to do with them and let B know I know they meant no harm, but take it as a lesson to think a little more next time. Beyond that, any treat shouldn't be linked to the incident, the kids are old enough to understand his behaviour and come to their own conclusions about his worth as a grandfather. The only thing that would change this would be if it's truly out of character for the grandfather, then I'd want to investigate if it's stress, dementia or other illness.

LadyFlumpalot · 14/02/2021 15:10

Literally nobody comes out of this smelling of roses.

Tensions are high. Life has been shit for everyone for a year. I know I've been snappy as all hell lately for no good reason other than extreme cabin fever.

Grandparents are likely lonely. Kids are bored and lonely. It's very likely this has all been blown massively out of proportion and given a proper apology from B and time to reflect it should all sort itself out with a sensible chat. It doesn't need to be a big deal at all.

Original poster
Createsuser · 14/02/2021 15:27

I wish I had an exciting update but sadly they are still not speaking. Friend has read this and said a couple of posters really nailed it B has little filter and as 95% of her chatter is positive and funny just went for it and realised too late. She hung up because he was yelling at her.

OP posts:
strawberriesatmypicnic · 14/02/2021 16:19

If the grandfather is paying for his grandchildren to have a privilege, then of course he is within his rights to stop paying for This privilege.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2021 16:53

@strawberriesatmypicnic

If the grandfather is paying for his grandchildren to have a privilege, then of course he is within his rights to stop paying for This privilege.
But is it fair for him to remove the privilege from both children, when only one was rude and the other has done nothing wrong, @strawberriesatmypicnic?
TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 17:15

Grandparents are likely lonely. Kids are bored and lonely. It's very likely this has all been blown massively out of proportion and given a proper apology from B and time to reflect it should all sort itself out with a sensible chat. It doesn't need to be a big deal at all.

B has already apologised.

I would be ensuring that such capricious and disproportionate behaviour from GF would not be happening again.

Petronius16 · 14/02/2021 17:20

As grandparents we wouldn’t dream of punishing our grandchildren.

TatianaBis · 14/02/2021 17:26

This goes far behind a child’s misjudged comment for which I have no doubt she is sincerely sorry.

For a grown man to lose control and start yelling at a child is totally unacceptable. Now he’s apparently withdrawn from them all and not speaking to them.

Like hell would any family member ever behave like that around me. No way would I tread on eggshells until the patriarch gets over his tantrum.

Women are far too meek and placating around silly men.

I’d just tell him straight that his behaviour was unacceptable, and ironically set a terrible example to the children. I’d say that while his financial contributions had been gratefully received, they were now ending. Any further such tantrums, I’d have something to say about it.

lily2403 · 14/02/2021 17:47

Grandfather needs to grow up. They are children for goodness sake

GoOnTwo · 14/02/2021 17:51

I'm definitely projecting, your friend should protect herself and her children from the grumpy whims of this man. This was an overreaction for b and punishing A too is horrible.

gottakeeponmovin · 14/02/2021 17:55

Honestly I would go no contact with GPs