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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell you all how much of a crock of shite sleep training is...

282 replies

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 00:55

And how unreasonable it is to propagate that utter torrid hell onto tired and desperate parents.

2 hours into what is labled as "gentle sleep training" with my ebf Velcro baby and my entire family will never be the same.

The baby in question is distraught despite constant physical and verbal reassurance from me. He's vomited all over himself, me, his cot and my bed. 35 minutes after giving up he is still shaking and sobbing (and dry heaving) in between frantic breastfeeds. Hes scratched his face to the point of bleeding and cried himself hoarse.

I was present the whole time. Shhhhing, patting and stroking as per the "suffle" method. Picking up and soothing and putting back down with a kiss and reassurance. He just screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

At the 2 hour mark he threw up and choked on it. Thats when I gave up.

Not, however before deeply traumatising my baby, myself and all my other kids.

He obviously woke them all up. The 5 year old has fallen asleep crying in my bed, the 11 year old stormed off back to bed with headphones after telling me he thinks sleep training is abusive and the 9 year old sat outside my room, shaking the whole time. Once I gave up and begun cleaning up the vomit he asked me if I did that to him as a baby. I told him no, this baby is the only one I've had as a single parent and as a result of the disrupted 3 or 4 hours a night I am really struggling. I tried this out of utter desperation because I had read on here that although it may be a bit hard going, it really works and is torally harmless.

9 year old just sighed and said he doesn't think the baby will forgive me as he couldn't if i did that to him. Hes not sure he can forgive me for doing it to the baby, apparently he didn't think he had a mean mum.

So. My review of sleep training someone who simply cannot rationalise what's happening.. Snake oil bull shit that ruins lives.

If it worked for you whoopie friggin do .. You lucked out .. Implying to parents on their knees with exhaustion that it is a one stop cure all for naughty babies manipulating love and affection is barbaric

Hes finally asleep .. Still making sobbing noises .. Or maybe that's just one of the other kids. Or me.

OP posts:

hibbledibble · 13/02/2021 00:59

Yabu. It worked for me. But I didn't do it like you did. Babies didn't get distressed or vomit.

hibbledibble · 13/02/2021 01:01

Op, are you coping right now? If you can manage with the lack of sleep, then carry on by all means. If not, then do get help. A sleep consultant could be helpful if you are struggling.

Broadbeanssleeping · 13/02/2021 01:02

Oh lovely wishing you hugs and cake.
Sorry you've had such a tough evening. Please remember that you are doing the best that you can, we are all human and can do more than that.

Notashandyta · 13/02/2021 01:04

We were the same. One night attempted and one night only. Deeply traumatised.

Your baby won't remember this.

Good luck going forward, as you know this will pass. Hang in there

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/02/2021 01:07

Um that's not meant to have happen, why on earth didn't you give up before two hours and upsetting your other children?

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:07

Thank you - I have realised my parenting of the older ones has been less than ideal of.late because I'm So tired and unable to catch up with sleep in the day as they're home.

I had trawled mumsnet for tips about gently encouraging a baby to manage self soothing and after a huge battle with myself over everything i stand for as a parent I decided to try it.

Never. Ever. Again.

OP posts:

gallbladderpain · 13/02/2021 01:08

Just give it up, it is not worth it. I've had the perfect sleeper, did some sleep training it all went well and I had a perfectly settled sleeping baby....was It the sleep training....was it heck it was just the baby.
I did everything the same with my children and got a sleep snatching velcro baby that nothing short of tranquillisers was going to sort. In the end letting the baby led the way was the most successful way of us all being happy (although still rather sleep deprived) they are now outgrown this and allowing them to sleep with me and be close to me has not impacted them in anyway they now sleep in their own bed, they pretty much decided this of their own accord and actually don't like coming into my bed at all anymore so velcro baby will not always be velcro baby

RiojaRose · 13/02/2021 01:08

Well it did work for me, so I’m not sure I can say anything helpful except you seem to be acutely aware of how your older children characterise your parenting. It’s not required so if it doesn’t work for you, you can proceed differently.

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:11

@IHaveBrilloHair

Um that's not meant to have happen, why on earth didn't you give up before two hours and upsetting your other children?

I don't know. I had read up on the shuffle.method as it was mentioned in another thread on here and the author insists you persevere as giving up makes all the upset count for nothing.

As a single parent I had no one step in and support the other kids and it just snow balled. I hate myself. I KNEW leaving any baby too small to understand a verbal explanation of the actions was horribly misguided.

I just feel so.bad that im not at my best for the others as I'm so tired.

OP posts:

Drivingbuttercup · 13/02/2021 01:11

How old is the baby?

Quit4me · 13/02/2021 01:14

Why was the baby getting so distressed screaming if you were there? Sorry for being dim I just don’t know this method.
It sounds like your principles / intuitions as. Mum are not to leave baby.
Do you do co sleep normally? How old is your baby?

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:15

@RiojaRose

None of them have ever said anything like that before. I have co-slept and gentle parented them all but I had another adult around to help facilitate that.

This time I'm alone. The middle two have additional needs and ive felt very aware that being so responsive to the baby's needs if sorta neglected the others.

Now ive just let them all down.

OP posts:

ARoseDowntown · 13/02/2021 01:17

How old is the baby?

Don’t be so hard on yourself. 4th child, sleep deprived, doing it to help the others.....just give it up and give in. Do whatever it takes to keep the household stable.

Sleep training does work, but you have to do it the right way at the right time for the baby in question. Some babies respond very well, some take longer but almost all do get it eventually.

bellver888 · 13/02/2021 01:18

Don’t feel bad, some babies are just Velcro ones.
I tried it with DS, same as you, one night that felt like we were in Hades and I gave up

Hes 14 months now, sleeping is okay but will only fall asleep having a cuddle (which I love) and still would, if allowed, climb up my arse like a haemorrhoid and moan he’s not close enough!

You’ve not let ANYONE down at all, again you can’t train a baby that’s not wanting to be trained x

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:19

@Quit4me

Why was the baby getting so distressed screaming if you were there? Sorry for being dim I just don’t know this method. It sounds like your principles / intuitions as. Mum are not to leave baby. Do you do co sleep normally? How old is your baby?

Hes 9, nearly ten months. I have no idea. I have been lurking on threads about this topic for over a week now and recently someone discussed something called the shuffle method. I bought the book and the basic principle is to pop them in their cot drowsy and sit beside them.offering physical and verbal reassurance of your presence until they fall asleep. It clearly states to not give into crying as they need to find their own method of self soothing.

It felt wrong pretty quick but I felt trapped down a weird rabbit hole that i cant even explain to.myself

Yes he Co-sleeps noemally and is now tucked into.my.arms sleeping somewhat more peacefully. I managed to peel away for a moment and pop the 5 year old back into his bed with a hug and apologies .. Checked older two and theyre asleep.

OP posts:

Quit4me · 13/02/2021 01:19

No
You haven’t op. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are desperate through lack of sleep. The older kids need to know that you are doing your best, you are struggling to get sleep and you are trying to help the baby sleep without you there.
Sleep training does work (don’t know this method but many methods do work)
However, your other kids reactions do seem extreme so I am guessing this is way way different to your normal parenting styles

Quit4me · 13/02/2021 01:21

Ok, so Is the food sleeping not giving you enough sleep?

Quit4me · 13/02/2021 01:21

Sorry co sleeping not food

redglobox · 13/02/2021 01:22

I cant believe that there are posts here criticising you! this sounds awful, you must be exhausted. I found sleep training hellish too. I cant even remember what we did in the end and my youngest is only 3! Hang in there. Do what you need to do to survive. It will get better. I do remember all 3 of mine slept in our bed and that made life so much more bearable.

whisper1991 · 13/02/2021 01:23

I have a just turned 10 month old who is also a shit sleeper. I know there is a regression at 10 months so maybe try again in a couple of weeks and see how it goes? Mine is still waking up twice in the night for a feed (formula) so we're trying to cut that out but it's not going well!

Drivingbuttercup · 13/02/2021 01:26

It worked for me but dd was about 14 months. It was dreadful at the time but lasted about 30 minutes and dp did the reassuring so dd knew she wasn't going to be fed. I didnt like it at all but dp sent me downstairs out the way. We had full night sleeps after that.

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:26

@Quit4me

No You haven’t op. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are desperate through lack of sleep. The older kids need to know that you are doing your best, you are struggling to get sleep and you are trying to help the baby sleep without you there. Sleep training does work (don’t know this method but many methods do work) However, your other kids reactions do seem extreme so I am guessing this is way way different to your normal parenting styles

Yes it.is wildly different to anything I'd normally do. They all co slept until they were wanting their own bed, the older two are especially aware of this as they remember the 5 year old being a baby.

The 5 yesr old.was crying I think as he was tired but couldnt sleep because baby was being so loud.

The older two absolutely adore the wee one and it was pretty confronting for them.to see me, whom.is normally immediately responsive to.everyones needs, leave him in that state.

I have suspected that co -sleeping is presenting an issue of its own .. Hes.close to me.and so wants to feed every hour or so .. Im getting about 3/4 hours broken sleep a night.

In the past if one of the older ones had a rough patch of.sleep issues id catch up during the day but home schooling and single parenting means I can't. Which if im honest is the real issue, not.my poor baby needing his mum :(

OP posts:

AllesAusLiebe · 13/02/2021 01:28

@whisper1991 we did exactly that! Tried sleep training in the middle of a sleep regression. Didn't work and I felt like the worst mother. Think I cried as much as my DS. It was awful. Tried it again a month or so later and it worked.

It was horrible both times, but I needed to be able to function during the day so had to give it a try.

Original poster

Butusernamessuck · 13/02/2021 01:29

@redglobox

I cant believe that there are posts here criticising you!

this sounds awful, you must be exhausted. I found sleep training hellish too. I cant even remember what we did in the end and my youngest is only 3! Hang in there. Do what you need to do to survive. It will get better. I do remember all 3 of mine slept in our bed and that made life so much more bearable.

Thank you so much for your support. Hes back in with me where he'll stay until hes ready .. I'll just have to musdle on tired and a bit hopeless.

OP posts:

febbfad · 13/02/2021 01:35

You poor thing, all of you actually. That sounds awful. I've been there as a single parent with EBF velcro baby (it was probably an early expression of sensory processing disorder and SN in my case, but I get what it's like to be needed constantly). I coslept through nursing every hour or so, yes I briefly woke up but they kept sleeping and latched on quickly so I could go back to sleep. It's much better than having to physically get up to a cot and then put them back again, or to sit up and use a bottle. Can you not get back to sleep after?

Can you schedule in a nap every day? 20 minutes sleep can really help and your other kids are old enough? Sometimes I only get 5 mins and it gets me through the day, I couldn't survive without it.

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