To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

No particular advice but just wanted to say I feel for you and anyone with babies/toddlers, I survived being a first time mum by going to groups and chatting to people in the same situation whilst the kids played, people can minimise this as much as they like but it is poo, I hope things get a bit better soon

Get on Mush and Peanut and Instagram and find some local friends to go out for a walk and coffee.

Also, why can your 8 month old not sleep safely upstairs on its own?

If you’re missing adult company, catch up on your sleep during the day and spend time with your DH after the baby’s bedtime

Sympathies, OP. If it's the slightest consolation, I had my son in 2002, and we moved when he was a few months and I was still on mat leave, during an extremely cold winter, to a village in a part of the country that was particularly cold, and where I knew no one, and which, alas, turned out to be spectacularly unfriendly and insular. DH's job meant he was away and late a lot.

I am a confident, sociable, adaptable person, who has never struggled to adapt to new places and make friends, and it was the most miserable and isolating time of my life. No advice other than the weather will improve soon, and walks with other people will be more pleasant, and do set up Zoom dates with friends during the daytime but lots of sympathy. This will pass, and you're not in the least unreasonable for finding the days long and difficult.

I did actually go back early from maternity leave.

Meet for walks, find takeaways for drinks on route, sign up to online and zoom baby groups, sign up to local mothers groups, have an hour with your husband on an evening and go to bed at 8pm instead of 7.
You need to be proactive about changing it or you’ll be stuck doing the same thing everyday.

Sorry to hear it’s hard for you. I’ve got a 4yo Dd and 3 months old twins. It’s not the greatest maternity leave ever.... it’s sad thAt you have nobody to bubble with, my parents have been maintaining my sanity most days otherwise I’d have totally cracked by now!

It will get better. My first was during lockdown, so not really comparable and we got out to do stuff. But honestly the days get much easier as the baby is less dependent on you for every second, you start to feel more like yourself. This cold weather won’t last forever either - it’s much more fun when you have a slightly older baby and nice weather and can go to the park/have a picnic.

I never went to any mum and baby groups and I have 4! They sound like hell tbh, always heard how unfriendly they are and cliquey so even if they were allowed no guarantee you would meet friends at them

@WhySoSensitive

Meet for walks, find takeaways for drinks on route, sign up to online and zoom baby groups, sign up to local mothers groups, have an hour with your husband on an evening and go to bed at 8pm instead of 7. You need to be proactive about changing it or you’ll be stuck doing the same thing everyday.

How do Zoom baby groups work? Especially if you don’t know any of the other parents?

@Happycat1212

I think it’s like this for a lot of people? I’m a single parent so zero adult interaction at all.

Yeah. Live alone so zero adult interaction. Including evenings, weekends, Christmas Day and New Year. Once a week for a walk, if I'm lucky.

Not wanting to go all "Four Yorkshiremen", but a baby to ineract with and a husband I saw every day would be bliss.

Anyway, I hope you can find ways to make it easier.

@Happycat1212

I never went to any mum and baby groups and I have 4! They sound like hell tbh, always heard how unfriendly they are and cliquey so even if they were allowed no guarantee you would meet friends at them

I never found that to be true and I actually went to them, at the very least it’d be nice for her to find out for herself and for the baby to get a change of scenery.

You can interact with a tiny baby but they won’t say anything back 😂 Seriously though @Nunoftheother that sounds rubbish

Having a small baby on your own all day while husband works would be the case covid or not. Yes it can be boring and the winter would be here covid or not. It's hard work again regardless of covid. Maybe try to form a bubble with another household or go out for a walk with a friend, the warmer weather will soon be here. Your maternity leave has not been robbed, maternity leave is to adjust to having a new baby, time to bond and enjoy being a new mum please don't waste your time feeling sad and robbed and enjoy your baby.

It's tough and you are totally not being unreasonable by finding it hard.

There are a couple of things that will make your life so much better.

1. Reclaim your evenings. If baby is under 6 months they can fall asleep downstairs with cuddles from Mum or Dad and be put down in a Moses basket downstairs whilst you eat together and watch sweary TV that you wouldn't be able to if they were older. You will be able to have adult chat and occasionally look over at that lovely sleeping baby you both made. It also will ensure they're used to background noise which will help later on. If they are old enough to need a more structured bedtime then they are old enough to be left with a baby monitor.

1. Try dating ;-) I know it's scarry but go onto a local Facebook group, put a postcard up in the newsagent with your email address, ask health visitors, contact local groups, children's centre etc. Explain that you are a new mum looking for another mum to go for occasional socially distanced walks with. I bet there must be lots of people in your boat - you just have to be confident and find them.

If that doesn't work, or whilst you are waiting for it to work go for a long walk with the pram each day. Keep your eyes out for mums and smile lots. Don't be afraid to start up small talk (asking baby's age is a classic). You might meet someone for a more regular walk from just seeing them about.

Yeh I’m just saying it’s not a guarantee you will gel with anyone, everyone said I would make loads of mum friends when my kids started school but I haven’t made any!

@Happycat1212

Am I the only one that use to have my baby downstairs then if I was downstairs! I can’t imagine staying up in my room from 7 every evening but then I had other kids so couldn’t do that anyway, I don’t think it’s normal sorry, I would keep the baby downstairs asleep until I went up to bed then bring them up, if you have other kids you wouldn’t be able to do that.

No - until they were old enough to sleep without us in the room they slept downstairs in the living room then went up when we did

Although let’s also not romanticise life with a baby even in peace times. It can be exhausting and monotonous, and mother and baby groups can also be very lonely places even in the company of others.

@Rightthen24

Having a small baby on your own all day while husband works would be the case covid or not. Yes it can be boring and the winter would be here covid or not. It's hard work again regardless of covid. Maybe try to form a bubble with another household or go out for a walk with a friend, the warmer weather will soon be here. Your maternity leave has not been robbed, maternity leave is to adjust to having a new baby, time to bond and enjoy being a new mum please don't waste your time feeling sad and robbed and enjoy your baby.

I must say I found the days long and hard especially in the winter as a first time mum

Nunoftheother

That sounds really tough, I’m alone with 4 kids and I’m pulling my hair out tbh, i think those with husbands forget how lonely it is for those of us that are single and have absolutely no other adult interaction at all.

I voted YABU, not because I actually think you are unreasonable but that I don't think the lockdown aspect being absent would likely make a huge difference to your experience, your description sounds very much like my experience of life on mat leave with a newborn (Not in lockdown). It's lonely! Nothing prepares you for that. It's really tough OP and you're doing brilliantly.

My baby is 6m
It’s been so hard I also would have waited if I had known about the pandemic. I feel like I’m stuck in and have missed out on all the things I had planned 😞
I’m now thinking would it be silly to have another when things are better as I do feel cheated

OP I went upstairs with my baby a lot when he was under 1. He was not an easy sleeper and if I stayed in the room he would sleep well.

My husband would make us some snacks and hot choc, and come upstairs and watch netflix with me. Try get hubby to do that. If baby could sense I was close the noise of us chatting or tv made no difference and he slept fine

Oh and if you stay up late you can (whispers) Nap during the day... As soon as baby drops off curl up and snooze. Kills the boring hours as opposed to taking up grown up time.

And no using naps for catching up on housework! Pop baby in a carrier or in a rocker to watch and get your chores done whilst Babs is awake and enjoying the chat or maybe playing some music. That way you can indulge yourself a little during baby's naps and relax a bit.

@Happycat1212

Nunoftheother

That sounds really tough, I’m alone with 4 kids and I’m pulling my hair out tbh, i think those with husbands forget how lonely it is for those of us that are single and have absolutely no other adult interaction at all.

We haven’t I promise, I feel for you guys more than anything as you have all the hard work and none of the respite of talking your day out with someone else.

I think the people saying it would be the same whether lockdown or not perhaps wouldn’t be thinking of things like swimming, library, playgroups, baby groups, a ‘live’ NCT and so on.

Not everyone is happy to meet for walks. And not many friends are local. I understand it’s hard for other people as well but I don’t really see the point of bringing this up, it isn’t a competition. Or is it?

I had a new baby this time last year and it was 100 times better than the lockdown that followed despite it being winter. A million times. I LOVED the first little bit of my maternity leave, I loved going to classes, meeting friends for coffees and cakes, going to the baby screenings at the cinema, baby pub quizzes in the afternoon. I did this for 2 weeks (started going out properly when my son was 4 weeks old, locked down at 6 weeks). I think it’s BS that it’d have been lonely and isolating anyway. Absolute BS.

As for what to do about it, if you work it out let me know. It’s soul destroying. I actually think my soul is destroyed. I have so many people desperate to help me but travel isn’t allowed so bubbles are irrelevant and none of them can. I don’t want to die but I wish I didn’t exist. This existence is meaningless. It’s a void.

Admittedly I haven’t rtft but I am shocked/not shocked to see the cold responses here.
I’m a mum of 3 aged 6, 4, 1 and I absolutely feel being alone all day with a newborn and no access to normality is immensely hard. I think so many of us are trapped in our own version of hard we forget what it can look like for another, and in some ways even crave it. (Some have too much silence just now, some have not enough, etc.) yes there may be tweaks you can make to your day to find them a bit easier, but they’re not what you hoped and the reality of a baby is so much more than you can predict. Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you feel? I think we can forget the immense changes becoming a mother can bring, many of us have suffered from PPD or PPA without the additional burdens the pandemic has brought. How you feel is legitimate and it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job.