To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

Mine likes a dark room now, not at that age. He would sleep beautifully in a sling or lying next to me or lying on DH. Then once sleep we could inch away. Sometimes. Actually sometimes we couldn't the first few months, so I'd just lie down with him sleeping peacefully on me and watch TV or read a book. Eventually he got used to sleeping a big patch on his own. (But still prefers to bed share after 3am wake-up. Clingy clingy.)

mrex where did you get 11-12 hours from?

He’s only 8 weeks he does wake to feed. He generally gets to sleep at about 830-9 and ‘gets up’ at 7. He wakes for feeding roughly at 1130, 230 and 530. That’s very approximate, but roughly those sort of patterns. Then I’m expressing milk. I also find I wake a lot with baby next to me anyway. So I probably sleep 930-1130, 330-530 and then often just doze until the next wake.

I don’t even know why I’m having to justify my baby sleeping. I do know the people in my NCT class either are also battling with non napping babies or have babies who nap in the day and are unsettled at night. I really don’t think it’s as unusual as you’re making it out to be. He is very young and he is changing all the time. I have to say here you are really starting to upset me a bit: assuming that’s not the intention then maybe back off a bit.

Don't give your self a hard time about breast feeding. My first breast fed wonderfully and apart from the first couple of weeks waiting for my delayed supply to come in, she took to it so easily and it was painless for me. My second refused to breast feed. He was early and we had issues with weight loss, jaundice hospitalisation... but nonetheless all the experts I paid for said it will happen as you have done it before. It didn't and he only started to gain weight properly when I gave in at 3 months. By then I had literally no milk despite pumping all through the night every 2 hours. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.

I was thinking over night about how I spent my days walking a child who refused to sleep and I remembered how listening to podcasts on headphones really helped me. I enjoyed the crime stories but was too tired to actually read a book so it was good escapism and something to look forward to during the naps. I make terrible night sleepers but was regimented about day naps and eventually they both fell into line so my days were predictable. I really did walk miles with both of them for my sanity every day, in all weather. one particular low moment with my first who was a real screamer and after a truly appalling night she was desperate for her morning nap but was shrieking like a banshee instead... to make it stop before I blew my brains out, we went out in the biggest rainstorm imaginable despite the fact I couldn't find my raincoat or umbrella, whilst she was nice and dry under her rain over in the buggy and walked for a couple of hours while she slept. I cried for most of it as a car splashed an enormous puddle at me, and I was so cold and wet by the time I got home. But I knew it would have been a million times worse at home with a crying over tired baby. Anyway I'm just trying to say it's hard for everyone, so don't listen to the negative comments on here.

I would also gift myself one lazy a day a week... I would nap when they napped and watch a box set on the sofa and just generally not push myself to do much other than care of the babies needs. On other days I would be juggling housework and cooking, and walking! So maybe give yourself a break sometimes?

Have a friend who complains at every opportunity how hard it is to have a baby right now but conceived when covid was known about but decided to go ahead anyway but that fact seems to have slipped her mind
To be fair I don't think many people still expected us to still be in lockdown.

I would guess either that baby won't sleep without her or that she's trying to follow the advice to never let them sleep alone, even for short periods, before 6 months
When did this advice come in! 😲

Hey @luckyinblue I'm sorry you're getting a hard time on this thread. I was exactly the same as you, I wanted to stay near my babies at night especially when they are that young. Plus, you need the rest.

And I'm totally sick of the shit olympics everyone is involved in. This time is awful for everyone. Someone having it worse doesn't actually make another person's experience feel less shitty. Just because someone has a broken leg doesn't make it hurt less when I stub my toe.

@luckyinblue this is supposed to be such a special and sociable time and you've been robbed of that. The early weeks and months of having a new baby are usually filled with visitors and support and medical visits, outings and the start of mother's groups etc. Even with all that it can still feel lonely and monotonous so without it must be very sad at times. My only real suggestion is to focus on survival for now and if you can do one nice thing a day for yourself, then do it. Whether it be reading a magazine, having a bath, speaking to someone on the phone or whatever else you can think of. Focus on small, easy things that make you feel good.

Op- you’ve repeatedly said that he sleeps well at night, I think that gives the impression that he sleeps right through. He obviously doesn’t as he’s waking up for feeds. Your unbroken sleep through the night explains why you want to make the most of the time when he goes down.
I remember this feeling, I would happily go to sleep at 8pm after putting ds down.
It’s only been 8 weeks, it’ll get easier and things will start opening up soon. I’d give anything to redo that baby time with ds, he’s a teenager now and hates me most of the time!!

I wouldn’t expect an 8 week old to be sleeping through, to be honest.

I hear you my 2nd baby is 4 months now. It's not the maternity leave I imagined at all. I have a support bubble with my sister but she is working through the week so only see her at weekends. My husband works from home but is still upstairs 8-4:30 and my 3 year old is home Thurs and Fri. I'm back at work in August and I can't imagine my daughter will have seen another baby by then.

Why are you expressing milk when the baby is with you all the time? That's just extra hassle disrupting your sleep, you'll get just as much in the morning before 11am as during the night. Do a bit the day before whichever mornings your DH is taking the baby, don't do it regularly.

I wouldn't expect a baby to sleep through, but you have the good night sleep as a reason for not napping, now you have 3 wake-ups too. You must be shattered. 10.5 hours minus 3 feed wake-ups so 9 hours actual sleep per day for the baby. Sometimes an hour when you walk, 10 hours that day. You're overtired and the baby's overtired, that's hard for both of you. If you won't try to fix it, that's your choice.

I got to the stage where I lied about my babies sleep due to so much well meaning ‘advice’

You know what your baby needs and you are attending to those needs. You are brilliant and by the time spring is here you’ll be able to enjoy your baby more

Hi OP, sending some support your way. My baby is now 7 months and this is my second mat leave and the comparison to the first is huge. What I’d give for a coffee at soft play right now!! My DP also works long hours like your DH so I understand just how hard it is. I also feel like my second born isn’t as tired as my first - as silly as that sounds - possibly because he’s not as stimulated as no baby groups, play dates, trips out?!

Sleeping when baby sleeps is absolutely the right thing to do, and those extra few hours in the evening getting an early night make all the difference (wish I could - 3 year old keeps me up!)

Does your OH get a lunch break? Could you have that as your time to sit at the table and eat and chat? (Theoretically, pending baby!) I know that’s still only an hour isn’t it, but maybe mid day would help break the day a bit?

Very rarely would an 8 week old be sleeping through, but there are rare lucky cases!!

@MRex

Why are you expressing milk when the baby is with you all the time? That's just extra hassle disrupting your sleep, you'll get just as much in the morning before 11am as during the night. Do a bit the day before whichever mornings your DH is taking the baby, don't do it regularly.

I wouldn't expect a baby to sleep through, but you have the good night sleep as a reason for not napping, now you have 3 wake-ups too. You must be shattered. 10.5 hours minus 3 feed wake-ups so 9 hours actual sleep per day for the baby. Sometimes an hour when you walk, 10 hours that day. You're overtired and the baby's overtired, that's hard for both of you. If you won't try to fix it, that's your choice.

Why are YOU so critical of me?

You have to express regularly and night is one of the best times. Don’t take my word for it. I have tried to ‘fix’ baby’s naps, he doesn’t nap unless walking (plenty on here have said their babies are the same) so that’s what we do. Just not very enjoyable.

I really don’t know why you’re on here just to endlessly criticise me. I’ve already told you I’m finding it upsetting, so it isn’t as if you don’t know.

Thanks al and cloud

OP why do you need to go upstairs? my baby is 11 weeks and just sleeps in the Moses basket in the living room. I go up to bed and have a few hours on my own to sleep and husband does the next feed?

@Veuvestar

Very rarely would an 8 week old be sleeping through, but there are rare lucky cases!!

I think I’d be worried if he did sleep through!

You have to express regularly and night is one of the best times.
No, it's not true that you have to disrupt your sleep and express every night, try getting some breastfeeding advice. I've been trying to help you because you are struggling much more than you need to be. As you're determined you won't be helped and getting aggressive, I'll leave you to it. Good luck to you.

@luckyinblue I can’t believe people are on here telling you to “fix” your baby’s naps 🤦🏼‍♀️ If it was really that easy we would all have perfect babies! My LO was very like yours OP, great at sleeping at night (with wake ups for feeding) but barely slept during the day. He would only sleep on me, in the car or in the pram & only for about 30mins at a time. I was reaching breaking point as I just wanted an hour to myself to watch some tv or have a cup of tea. He is now 5 months & takes more scheduled naps from anywhere between 30 mins & 2 hours. I know it’s not recommended for baby to go to sleep alone & at 8 weeks I would stay upstairs when baby went to bed too, but after around 10/12 weeks I started putting him down at 730 & going downstairs for an hour or 2 as I just needed some relief for my sanity. I have a video monitor that I put right next to him that I can actually see him breathing in it & I regularly check on him.

You do what’s best for you & your family but know that you’re not alone & I relate to your experience. I promise it does get better but I hated people telling me that at the time❤️

Op in the kindest possible way why are you expressing? That sounds really exhausting. No wonder you are so very tired.

coffee ... do I really need to explain? Because I want my baby to have the benefits of breast milk. Surely, surely that’s obvious? Even if you’re not a breastfeeding mum yourself?

newmama thanks, sounds like similar babies! I definitely thought I’d have time to watch TV and read! As it turns out I don’t although baby is the best diet aid ever, I’ve lost all my pregnancy weight! I should rent him out to slimming world!

MRex I’m not remotely aggressive, I’m exhausted with saying the same thing over and over to you. You clearly think I’m an awful mum, however no one in RL shares that view including the HV. So I’ll listen to them rather than you especially since your comment about expressing makes me think you don’t know as much as you would like to have me believe.

@luckyinblue oh yeah, the fact they don’t let you eat EVER definitely helps to shed the baby weight 😂

Christ some of you guys are really giving the OP a hard time. She is knackered, stressed, upset new mum with an 8 week old. Do you not remember what that was like?

I dont get it. Why not just try to be nice to her?

For anybody who is interested here is some info about expressing, if you read or get advice anywhere it is to try to ‘mimic’ a baby’s feeds as much as possible. I get more at 4 in the morning than any other time so it’s definitely worth doing and it’s only another twenty minutes.

I feed baby, then hold him upright for a good half hour then express. I’d have to feed and hold him upright anyway so the disrupted sleep would be happening. I honestly did not for one moment think I’d have a baby and wouldn’t be disturbed at night!

@luckyinblue you are right. To successfully express, you shouldn’t really go overnight without expressing. And exactly, you should mimic babies feeding. You are doing the babies work all yourself and it’s super hard. Over night is when you are most likely to stimulate and produce more milk due to the hormones. I dropped off the nighttime expressing and saw an immediate drop in my supply. I carried on this way for 6 months and if you want to do it, you will despite the struggle! Sounds like you don’t need advice. My baby also didn’t nap, and would cry relentlessly all day.

I bet you’re probably regretting starting this thread. Sorry you’re getting stick! Seems we’ve forgotten the original reason for this post which is the crappiness of having a baby during lockdown.

@luckyinblue expressing is so hard, are you able to breastfeed or just expressing? My baby wouldn’t latch so I was like you for the first seven weeks. I used to set an alarm and pump at night because you’re right, that’s when the prolactin is highest. It was so exhausting though. Got private tongue tie assessment and baby breastfed. But I’ve had to use shields and it has definitely had an effect on my supply so now pretty much decided I’m going to stop bfeeding.

OP you have huge sympathy from me and it is all a bit shit tbh! My DS was born in May so in the first lockdown - we’ve had short periods of contact and a few baby groups but on the whole it is lonely and boring.

I live in the SE so have broadly been in lockdown since November (bar a couple of weeks) and the short, dark days and rubbish cold, wet, snowy weather has made recent times especially hard and miserable. The days are starting to get lighter and longer and better weather will start to put a more positive spin on things.

I’m a bit like you in regards to walking - it’s lovely in the rolling countryside but pounding suburban pavements doesn’t really do it for me. I found I need a purpose to go out (a bit of shopping, post a letter etc) but would then take the long route there and back. I also wouldn’t do two errands in one trip and save it for another day - wild times!

At about the age your DC is now we started online baby massage classes which I would recommend. They were maybe even better on zoom as we were all muted so if DS was kicking off we didn’t disturb anyone else’s zen. I took what we learnt in class and tried to do a massage every day which took up some time. I think people running the classes at the mo are really aware of the loneliness so we would always start and finish with a chat between the mums which was lovely.

Also well done on the pumping - it is hard work! I struggled with breast feeding and bloody hated pumping and we were fully formula feeding from about 6 weeks. Don’t be hard on yourself about feeding and make sure you are doing what is best for you as well as the baby.

My DH has been WFH as well and this has been the main positive out of it all - we have lunch together, he’ll see DS during a quick break and as soon as work is finished he’s there. I’m back at work soon and my SIL said how great it is that DS has basically spent his whole first year with us which is a positive spin I hadn’t really thought about.