Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

499 replies

luckyinblue · 12/02/2021 16:47

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable. Sad

OP posts:
MRex · 14/02/2021 08:10

Babies should sleep 16-18 hours per day at 8 weeks old, that clearly isn't happening. You're getting confused with older babies and including several hours of sleep that the baby is not actually getting @OhToBeASeahorse. Please don't try to discourage someone from seeking help when there is clearly a problem, that isn't nice.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:11

He naps outside of the home mrex when walking or driving. I think you missed that, to be honest. Probably still not as much as other babies but then he generally sleeps at night. However (as I’ve repeatedly said to the point of exhaustion) this is why he needs to be in bed early and why I can’t keep him up.

OP posts:
Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:13

I read 14-17 mrex

And I don’t think all babies get that. I don’t know what you think I should do, slip wine into his milk?

OP posts:
OhToBeASeahorse · 14/02/2021 08:16

@MRex I know how much sleep they need - I was the OP, walking round a park in tears trying to get my baby to nap when he was small when it was cold and dark. But I took issue with the number of nap thing - as you say the issue is total sleep time. My second has napped (up until this bloody week) for hours at a time so max naps she has had are 5 but has had loads of sleep.

I'm not discouraging anyone

Yellowtopaz · 14/02/2021 08:19

@luckyinblue my baby was born late last year and I totally get how you feel. It’s shit there is no escaping that!

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:26

It is pretty hard Flowersyellow and seahorse

OP posts:
pursuedbyablackdog · 14/02/2021 08:27

Hi OP
Right first off some babies are bloody hard work.
My first cried, screamed refused to eat and sleep and cried some more. I think unless you've had a really 'hard' baby it's impossible to understand how emotionally exhausting it is, or to understand the pure hell that is sleep deprivation.
OP when mine was a baby (10+ years ago) I had amazing supportive advice on here, and the bits I can remember I'll try and pass on.
Firstly on a day to day level how are you feeling in yourself?
Can you ring and talk to your health visitor? (Some are fab some are awful!) but if you have a good health visitor they are like gold, and can be an amazing support and have a wealth of advice.
Next can your DH/ DP take some annual leave, and give you a bit of downtime? I know you said when he 'helps' it makes life harder, but sometimes just having a bit of a breather can be help?
Do you feel anxious leaving your baby with your husband? It's so hard leaving them for the first time, I remember the first time a did an evening shop (when dh came back from work) the whole time I was like a cat on a hot tin roof, it's an awful feeling, that was when I first posted on here, because I'd found it so stressful one poster gave me excellent advice and suggested i build up the time I left dd slowly so 10 mins first and extend by 5 mins each time. For me this worked although it was a while before I was ready to shop again!
Having a baby especially a non sleeper, is tough in 'normal' times, I can't even begin to imagine how isolating and lonely it is at the moment. I don't know your situation but one of my closest friends had a baby in November and she's struggling, we zoom regularly but it's not the same. The issue she has is her friends are already bubbling with their parents (her mum died two years ago, and her PIL live hours away) so she really is on her own, it's so, so tough not having family support.

All I can do is hold a virtual hand for you. I promise it does get easier, my DC are my world now, but I hated the babies years...of course just as they start to get interesting and fun they're off to school which is always a shame I think!
Sending you BrewCakeThanksWineGin.
Try and look after yourself as best you can, I bet you're an amazing mum Star

pursuedbyablackdog · 14/02/2021 08:32

Oops just read your update your baby is a good night sleeper....sorry me bad!
Still doesn't detract from the fact raising a small human can be hellish!

MRex · 14/02/2021 08:35

Baby goes to bed at 7 or 8 and wakes at 7.
You've had two walks, you hate walks, the baby sleeps on walks.
The baby doesn't nap.
I missed the naps because you didn't include them. You don't need to say anything more here OP, but please get some decent advice from a health visitor. The baby needs to nap! The naps will transform your day, a few hours to do your own thing.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:35

I don’t know that he’s a particularly hard baby, to be honest but he just isn’t a napper. I do try but sometimes he just isn’t having it and other times you’ll spend three quarters of an hour getting him to sleep and then he wakes after twenty minutes. He just isn’t a baby who you could put in a Moses basket and sleep through a TV and conversations. That’s fine, it’s who he is.

HV support is very limited because of lockdown. DHs presence isn’t always helpful and sometimes can be counterproductive. It isn’t that he does things ‘wrong’ more that he thinks in the immediate moment not long term. It was a factor that ruined breastfeeding as DH just kept giving him formula, so I have to express breast milk for him now.

OP posts:
Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:36

The HV will have a magic solution, you think?

OP posts:
Jeremyironseverything · 14/02/2021 08:40

I think people are focusing on the evening bit because despite you saying it's fine, it's not, because you are not getting enough adult interaction. Your mental health would be much better if you spend a few evenings with dh.

Nite it's up to you if you want to try to change the routine or not - but your mental health would improve with more adult interaction. That's not debatable, but only you can decide if the trade off is worth it.

Just gradually try shifting the bedtime back by 15 minutes a day so it's the same routine, just starts several hours later.

Coffeeandcocopops · 14/02/2021 08:41

Sounds like your DH needs to help more. I appreciate he has to work but he isn’t commuting. He should take a lunch break. I know lots won’t agree but my H worked out of the house long hours. To have had him aground during the day just to hold the baby, have lunch with, chat with would have been great. Most new mums are Lonely unless they are lucky enough to be where they grew up or their parents are. I focused on my NCT mums and watched a lot of TV. It is hard at anytime. New baby’s are hard work.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:43

jeremy I really cannot keep repeating myself.

After spending all day playing, feeding, winding, walking, and after only sleeping for 5-6 hours in the night, I’m ready for bed when baby does.

If I went later id reduce that 5-6 hours to 2-3 and that really isn’t tenable.

At any rate I am exhausted now with repeating myself. Hopefully this won’t be the last baby and hopefully next time my pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave will be a bit better.

OP posts:
zebrapig · 14/02/2021 08:47

I feel for you OP. Both of mine weren't really nappers either, they always seemed to have sleep than other babies. If ever we were out at baby groups they would always be the last ones awake, long after all the other babies had fallen asleep. I just think they were too nosy for their own good!
If you can definitely try some classes over Zoom. It's not the same but it will be some interaction, mainly for you. We do Tiny Talk on Zoom, it's not as good as in person but it's still enjoyable and there's a chance to chat as well. The teacher is really understanding about us attending to LO's during class. I often have to make DS a sandwich so he can have lunch, on Friday he had to use the potty (off screen!) mid class!
Hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:50

Yes, mines nosy! Definitely sleeps better when on the move.

OP posts:
pursuedbyablackdog · 14/02/2021 08:50

Depends on your HV. Some are bloody awesome, some are diabolical. But is their anything to lose in giving them a ring? You say you dread the days because you don't know what to do, so they might help with that. They might know of some virtual groups running, which would take up a bit of time of your day.

MRex · 14/02/2021 08:51

Why are you only sleeping 5-6 hours at night if the baby is asleep at night for 11-12 hours? HVs don't have magic solutions, but they can give a sympathetic ear and lots of options.

Your DH sounds very unsupportive, giving formula and not scheduling little breaks to help out or chat over lunch. Get him in line, state what you need and make him help. He has a job, he can learn. For context, one of my colleagues had a 5 week old on internal calls several times last week, he takes a turn having her sleeping or gurgling in a sling. It was nice to see the baby actually, nobody minds. You're a bit fatalistic with him, much like the evening with the baby. Step back and remind yourself that you have chosen the man, the baby routine and how you all get along. If you don't like it, change something. If that's naps so you can Zoom call, or go on zoom anyway when the baby is awake - great. If it's time in the evening with DH or breaks in the day - great. But you are the one that isn't happy and you seem to be uncomfortable with changing anything.

Original poster
luckyinblue · 14/02/2021 08:53

Well yes but I can find that myself Smile I think the above poster meant with regard to naps. I did raise it as a point of concern, and was just told to put him down somewhere dark and quiet and let him wind down. Which doesn’t work 😂

OP posts:
Jeremyironseverything · 14/02/2021 08:53

I meant exactly the same as you are doing now - but you both go to bed 15 minutes later each day so you are still sleeping at the same time as the baby but you both .go to bed later.

Anyway as I said, it's up to you if you want to take the advice or not - but that really is the answer. Your babies routine isn't set in stone. You can change it gradually. Short term pain for long term gain.

I'll shut up now 😀

Jeremyironseverything · 14/02/2021 08:54

Oh and I used to drive mine to get them to sleep for their naps.

pursuedbyablackdog · 14/02/2021 08:55

No that wouldn't work with some babies mine would scream like a banshee if I did thatGrin

pursuedbyablackdog · 14/02/2021 08:56

Mine had to be strapped to me all the time if I wanted to keep my hearing, it was like wondering round with a huge carbuncle all day everyday😂

AlandAnna · 14/02/2021 08:57

I haven’t read the whole thread but I very much empathise. I couldn’t have coped with my first baby if she’d be born during these times.

I didn’t know about the support bubble if you have a baby under one. That sounds like a potential lifeline?

Hang in there. Spring is just around the corner. Looking back, my advice would be to watch daytime tv if you are struggling!

Momtot · 14/02/2021 08:59

OP I feel your pain. I have a 3yo, 2yo and 4month baby, DH is out from 7-7, nothing to do and no one to see other than a daily walk, which we sometimes use as a chance to see my sister and kids. But that in itself is stressful with 2 toddlers and a baby!

If you’re in the UK you can form a support bubble, having a baby under 1 means you qualify. I’ve done this which means I can see my mom, dad and 2 younger sisters and it really has helped. I try to see them separately so it spreads it out over the days, gives us something to look forward to.

I feel for you though, this isn’t how it was supposed to be for our babies.