To really wish I hadn’t had a baby during lockdown?

[luckyinblue]

Of course I couldn’t have foreseen it and at any rate at my age couldn’t really wait to TTC but it is rubbish.

I am on my own with baby from waking (about 7am) to DH finishing work (6ish) and then maybe an hour before have to get the baby into bed and stay with him. So about an hour of adult interaction every day.

I am finding myself dreading the days because I just don’t know what to do with them and I really didn’t ever think maternity leave would be this lonely or miserable.

Can totally understand.

The malls have just reopened here after 6 weeks of closure, it was full of women wandering around with prams.

When I was on mat leave I was at that mall every day in winter! I'd have been going crazy if it would have been shut. Plus where we live is really cold, so only a certain amount of time you can spend outdoors with a small baby.

Totally get where you are coming from! My baby is six months, and I’ve been finding it SO hard - the days go on forever, and there’s no one to come round to just pick her up or play with her for half an hour. I also go to bed when she does at 8 or 9 - she doesn’t sleep that long at night, and I often can’t sleep after her 5am feed, so am torn between spending time with my partner or getting a bit of extra sleep.... Keep your chin up! Lockdown HAS to end soon. There are other mamas out there in the same boat, we just need to get through this.

OP - you are so far from unreasonable.

My second is 11 weeks old and I am also going through the blues of missing what I thought this mat leave would be like. Obviously there will always be people worse off, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck to not to get that amazing time with your new baby.

I don't think there's anything anyone can say which will make it less sucky. But FWIW, I have a toddler as well and he is so much more fun now than he was as a newborn. I loved my mat leave with him, but the time after was just as good pre-lockdown. Hopefully restrictions will lift in time for us to get some fun mat leave time with our bubs, but even if they don't, we still have loads of happy times to look forward to!

Feel exactly like this. 8 month old baby girl that we tried 4.5 years and had ivf to conceive...back at work next month and my maternity leave has been crap. Lonely and isolated and just crap. Yes I'm thrilled to finally have our baby after everything we went through but I can't help feeling cheated

YANBU I hate the idea that it's selfish' to want and expect a happy relaxed maternity leave. My baby is just over a year now and I'm glad I got 3 or 4 months before lockdown started. I'm also grateful I have a 3 year old. Juggling a baby and a 2.5 year old in lockdown was as hard as imaginable but actually I've recently come to understand how being pushed to breaking point with two dependent people one of whom is determined to destroy your house, is better than being lonely with only a non-talker for company.

luckyinblue You are doing nothing wrong, you are doing your damned best hence why you are so tired and feeling fed up! And obviously sticking to the rules to keep yourself safe. It’s hard work, and we all have our individual struggles. Sometimes you don’t need “advice” but just someone to understand. My baby was born the day we went into the 1st lockdown last March. A whole year has almost passed and we will never get this time back. I suffered horrendous anxiety at night. I now am left with PND. Despite having a gorgeous baby and knowing how lucky we are, it’s a type of grief we are experiencing! What a shame. I was so scared of going back to work after hiding for 10 months. But I’ve been desperately lonely. Life will resume once I am surrounded by friends and colleagues. I hope you will find normality soon. This isn’t forever

You're not unreasonable at all. My baby was born on New Year's Eve 2019 so a little bit older than yours when we went into the first lockdown.

Those first weeks were hard, but at least I had options and things to get up and out of the house for, and if I did stay in all day it was my choice. Once lockdown came in I really struggled, and remember crying over everything that was being taken away from my maternity leave. I felt anger, grief, denial, just about everything going!

Sounds like you have a lot sorted though, I did the same as you at that age. It does get easier, and everything is just a phase. I did a few zoom classes - they weren't great but they were something. We watched the Baby Club on CBeebies once a day as well. The local children's centre were great. My gosh though it was tough, I've never had to dig deeper to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It's not a competition so I'm not sure why so many are jumping in to compare and contrast. Sorry you've had to waste so much time justifying yourself.

It is hard with a newborn in lockdown. I went through it with the first lockdown but at least the weather was good then so I spent most days out walking in the sunshine. Fortunately it was my second baby too so I had a toddler and baby to keep me preoccupied, and I was more familiar with newborn routines etc. If it had been with my first child who had severe reflux and never stopped crying or slept more than 45 mins at a time, then I don't know how I would have coped being locked inside all day. I think It would have broken me.

Personally I always prioritised sleep and often wouldn't even eat an evening meal if my baby wouldn't settle. With my first, a treat was managing more than 10 mins in the bath without being disturbed. There is much to suggest right now in terms of making your days more interesting. The only thing I can say is that every week your baby will start to give more back, they will roll and then crawl and sit up and it is so amazing to see all the changes and how fast it all happens. Your days will be busier but also more entertaining.

Your kindness means the world, I’d had a very rough couple of days yesterday

Hopefully you will have a couple of good days to balance it out!

Becoming a mother is the single most important thing that a woman will do. It could never be a competition on who has had it the hardest. Motherhood is a complex mixture of feelings, emotions, thoughts and perceptions. And no two people experience things in the same way. It isn’t fair to be told we shouldn’t feel a certain way. Some people are more resilient than others, and good for them! Imagine if your career was affected by the pandemic. Imagine if your relationships and social lives were affected. We have had all of that..and our experience of motherhood has been affected. It’s not unreasonable for anyone to feel sad about that, i know that it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’m not ashamed to say that this has been one of the saddest experiences of my life. I also wish I had £1 for every time I was told to go on a walk!

Same situation here OP, although my little one is a bit older (6 months)

8 weeks is still so small and really tough in lockdown when you’re pretty much stuck at home all day - hang in there, it does get better week by week as your baby settles and becomes more interactive.

Two things have really helped me (aside from the online classes etc that have already been mentioned, again, easier with an older baby):

1. Having the radio on in whatever room I’m in - it’s like having some adult conversation and company but you don’t need to pay attention the same way you do to the tv or a podcast or audio book.

1. Playing music really loud and dancing around the room to it with the baby (when you have some energy!) ABBA and soundtracks from musicals are my favourites for this. Headphones in so at least you can hear it if you need it not too noisy for DHs work.

💐 🍷 and 🍫 for you - hope you manage to reach out to some other local mums and are feeling better soon!

Get a baby monitor, and let your baby sleep on his own. I don't know when this "never leave a baby to sleep alone" thing started, but MY GOODNESS! I put mine down to sleep the day we came home from the hospital. I went in to check on the briefly once an hour or so. They are now healthy, well-adjusted 40-year-olds.

If you don't take a little time to recharge your own batteries, you will very soon have nothing left for your son. Taking care of you is taking care of him. He may fuss quite a bit getting used to it, but one of the most important lessons we learn in life is how to self-comfort. He'll get it fairly quickly.

You are allowed to be in a bubble if you have anyone nearby.

Oh my goodness some of the advice on this thread is shocking and really inappropriate - 8 week old babies should not be left on their own / do not learn to "self comfort" !! There is a natural biological reason mums and babies need to be close to meet baby's needs, especially in the fourth trimester.

OP I'm sorry I don't have more practical suggestions, sometimes I would FaceTime family and friends during the day just for some adult convo if I was on my own all day with the baby. I guess sometimes it's more about knowing you're not alone in how you're feeling and that things do change over time, even though it's hard to see that when your in the midst of it all. I found 12 weeks abit of a turning point for us so I hope it's similar for you

Wow OP, what a rough ride you've had on this thread.

You're doing the right thing with regards to your bedtime routine. It's working for you so carry on. Maybe have a look in to gentle parenting there are online groups out there and you might find like minded people to share with.

I sympathise completely with you, when I had my first baby, I found the adjustment incredibly hard. I relied on baby groups (and the friends I made there, who I would them meet for coffee, etc) and a couple of friends who also had babies.

Have you heard of the next door app? You might find some new local mums who you could meet to (dare I say it!) to for a walk with.

I second the poster who said to play music/radio,it will probably lift your mood.

Just hang in there. It won't be too long until the nicer weather, and your baby will begin to interact more with you as they get older.

People aren't suggesting spending the evening together for your DH's sake, but for yours! You are lonely, but have an adult you used to like who spends 13 hours in the house with you. It's a marathon having a little one, you need to adjust things so they will work for you.

I used to join DS's 9am nap as that was the long one, so that I had energy for the evening. You say the baby isn't napping at all unless you walk; at 8 weeks old your baby should have 6-8 naps per day, less than 4 is very concerning but maybe you're exaggerating a bit and the baby is just a bit fussy about how to sleep? You can call your health visitor for advice, or get advice on here, but you really need to get naps sorted for the baby's healthy development. You can then sleep with the baby during at least one nap to be less tired. I had a very clingy baby, he'd sleep on the boob, or walking, or having his back rubbed firmly, or DH doing a wiggle dance with him. So try back rubs or bouncing about when he's in a sling? At that age he wasn't disturbed by TV, so just stayed with us in the living room. By about 2 months old he'd stay sleeping for the early evening until 11/12, so we had some time to ourselves and took him upstairs when we went. Once he found the noise annoying we left him next door on a monitor so he still had some noise and moved him upstairs when we went to bed. Then by 6 months he was ready to be put down to sleep upstairs (and still have wake-ups through the night, but that's another story).

Not seeing family nor friends is awful and all I can say on that is you have my sympathies, hopefully summer will be easier but with the cold weather it must be incredibly hard with a baby. At your baby's age mums don't go out that much really in normal times, the weather will get better soon so you can substitute walking with coffee and prams for the coffee shop. By the time the babies are crawlers in summer the park will be lovely sitting on blankets. Join local online groups to meet people if you don't know anyone to walk with now.

@luckyinblue I feel for anyone who has a young baby during this time- planned or unplanned. Maternity leave can be lonely and isolating enough pre covid when you could meet people.

I wanted to say it will get better! With an 8 week old baby you've only experienced winter so far. Spring and summer are coming and infection are dropping fast. The vaccination programme is rolling out quickly.

I would expect the rule of 6 will return by April and with better weather this could mean meet ups at the park for picnics, buggy for type exercise classes where this actually meet people and start to form friendships.

By next summer I think life will be pretty much normal, so when you have a toddler there should be playgroups, soft play, swimming etc. There will be so many mum's like you who have been lonley.

For now the priority is to protect your mental health to get you there. What would yiu gave done pre covid to relax/ have fun?

Definitely get DH on board with taking the baby by himself maybe in the day to give you breathing space chance to call someone. Ask your hv if there are groups to link up with other mums. She must be aware most people are struggling. Lastly I imagine many people have their mum in their support bubble. If that isn't an option - even to be able to call her, then that can be isolating in itself

I also forgot to say i have a school aged child and a pre schooler. It's been harder with them in a no time to think between making food, wearing them out on walks, home schooling, the incredible mess they make. That's very different to the long often quiet hours with a tiny baby.

Things that have helped me through the year:

-I asked my health visitor to set up a little group of mums who are lonely. You can count yourselves as a “support group”. They set up the initial meeting and then we swapped numbers and took it from there! 6 of us have met up all year. When restrictions are eased, you can meet for coffees and go on day trips together. I really recommend this, I opened up about how I was feeling and she couldn’t to enough to set me up with some new contacts. It’s their job to make sure that mums are doing well too.
-writing in a diary when I’ve had a good day. Even tiny things. I can look back and realise it wasn’t a complete pile of crap.
-music and radio, when baby is in a good mood and you have energy, dance around with them or do them a little dance show. It got mine smiling. Also it boosts good hormones and you feel less alone
-TinyTalk classes over zoom. It’s nice to hear other voices and you get social time at the end. And a new Facebook group
-making the most of weekends and making them feel “different” so they are a treat.
-lunch breaks with DH where possible
-Costa deliveries..lots of decaf vanilla lattes or nipping to get it myself whilst masked people smile at LO and ask how old he is. It’s weird how a quick nip into town own your own makes you feel like a “normal mum”, doing an errand or grabbing a drink.
-endless episodes of pretty little liars. It’s brilliant trashy escapism.

Oh look, the year just flew by. I’ve got new friends, a happy 11 month old who laughs at me and holds my nose, and I’m back to work soon feeling like I want to treasure every moment. Even the lonely boring ones that once felt like endless living hell

MRex, the baby isn’t a napper but sleeps very well at night. That’s all, really.

I honestly seriously don’t know how many times I can say that the bedtime routine is fine.

Oh I hadn't seen that comment above, no definitely don't let a baby cry out, especially too young to even move when there's a problem (or at any age).
In the evening, DS used to sleep on DH's chest on the sofa, which meant I got a break but his super-clingy needs were met. Might be worth a try for your baby? Eventually he would stay sleeping on a mattress; as the TV really didn't annoy him until nearly 5 months old we just had him on the floor in the living room (wouldn't work with pets!) so it's perfectly safe for the baby and he went next door only once he needed more peace.

This thread has also made me feel so sorry for people WFH as some of you seem to think it’s a case of sending a couple of emails and pottering around the rest of the time. In fact I’d prefer DH to be working outside of the home. There’s the worry well disturb him with crying or noise for one thing and also work is a bit never ending. At least in the office there’s a clear start and finish time.

@luckyinblue - just to be really clear as you seem to have missed it, no naps at 2 months old is not healthy and not normal. It is very bad for the baby's development to get no rest for so long. You need to seek urgent advice from your health visitor.

God there are some twats on here.

Should be having 6 to 8 naps a day? What on earth? My babies at 8 weeks would nap for a good couple of hours at a time. Never did 8 in a day.

@Mamanyt that advice comes from the NHS. but you must know better clearly.

OP you do what works for you. I promise you it wont last long