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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/02/2021 09:01

Oh god, have you posted several times before about his brother and your boyfriend who you don’t live with ans what he gives his brother.?

EachBleachBlairTrump · 12/02/2021 09:03

Surely it comes down to whether he can afford it? If you are quite well off and the brother isn't I don't see the issue, you don't give to receive and tallying up who spent hours much is a bit crass. If however it will have a negative impact on your family finances that should be a joint decision and he shouldn't be giving so much to his brother

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/02/2021 09:04

Look, Bluntness is often overly so, but in this she is absolutely spot on!

You don't live with him, don't like his brother and seem to want all the benefits and rights of being married without even sharing a home with him!

Stop it. Or expect him and his wallet to walk away from you!

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/02/2021 09:04

He can do as he likes with his money, just as you can do as you like with yours. You can try to encourage him to think about whether the exchange of gifts isn’t fair or balanced and whether he’s being taken advantage of, but it’s very likely he already knows it isn’t and has a reason you don’t know about for the giving.

BaggoMcoys · 12/02/2021 09:06

If you don't share finances then I don't think you really get a say here unless it's having some kind of negative impact on you - e.g. dp not being able to afford his share of bills because he's spending the money on his db.
If there's no financial impact on you/your household, and it's your dp's own money, I don't think it's really right for you to say much about how he chooses to spend it.

QueenArseClangers · 12/02/2021 09:07

Aaaah, it’s you again, isn’t it?

GrettaGreen · 12/02/2021 09:08

YOU DON'T SHARE FINANCES.

That's your answer. It's in your OP..

Thebizz · 12/02/2021 09:10

It does sound like a lot and you obviously don’t approve but you can’t do a lot as it’s not your money.

Tiktaktoe · 12/02/2021 09:10

You! Again! You don't share finances so 'we' didn't get him anything.
Confused

VettiyaIruken · 12/02/2021 09:10

Are you the one who doesn't live with her boyfriend, doesn't have shared finances and isn't being asked to contribute in any way but thinks she has the right to dictate how he spends his own money?

If so, for the love of God, stop.

Either accept he doesn't need your permission to use his money how he wants or end the relationship.

Actually. Do that either way.

Porcupineintherough · 12/02/2021 09:10

YABU his money, his choice. Your choice us whether you'd like to continue the relationship on these terms. Personally I wouldnt.

lunar1 · 12/02/2021 09:11

Do you live together?

ComDummings · 12/02/2021 09:12

If you don’t share finances then I really don’t think you’re entitled to be involved in the situation. It’s up to him. If you shared finances and this would impact your joint bills I would understand but as it stands in your situation I think it’s really none of your business.

FuckyouCovid21 · 12/02/2021 09:12

If you don't share finances and you don't have kids then it's absolutely none of your business how he spends his money

Porcupineintherough · 12/02/2021 09:13

Oh and I'm really hoping you are not the same person who posts on this issue every few months. If you are, you need to think hard about what you are hoping to gain from it.

Love51 · 12/02/2021 09:13

It's a matter if expectations and responsibility. My DH felt responsibility for his 2 youngest brothers, and was clear to me from the off that this was a priority for him. He doesn't feel responsibility for his parents, his responsibility for parents is discharged by looking after the children!
If this is a boyfriend, ie not shared children, no shared house, it is his own business. If you choose to move on in the relationship it is with the knowledge that he feels responsibility to his brother. He's not misled you about this.
I miss my little brothers in laws now!

LolaSmiles · 12/02/2021 09:13

This sounds familiar. You don't live together. You don't share finances.

What you do with your money is up to you.
What he does with his money is up to him.

SingingLoud · 12/02/2021 09:13

You again.

You don’t share finances, you don’t even live together if I remember rightly.

Just dump this guy. It’s not working between you.

IM0GEN · 12/02/2021 09:14

Don’t EVER more in with your BF as you have totally different attitudes to money.

This isn’t going to work in the long term, unless you just want something casual. You are totally incompatible in this very fundamental way.

JosephineBaker · 12/02/2021 09:14

None of your business. Butt out. Your partner’s relationship with his brother is nowt to do with you. If you keep trying to sow discord between them, I can’t see your relationship lasting.

stealthninjamum · 12/02/2021 09:15

YABU, if it doesn’t affect you it’s none of your business.

I have separate finances to my partner and sometimes I think he wastes money. I wouldn’t dream of telling him because it’s really none of my business.

Morgan12 · 12/02/2021 09:15

Name changed?

You should finish this relationship. Nothing is going to change.

Aprilx · 12/02/2021 09:17

I’d be irritated is my husband bought his brother a car, but that is because we are married and our finances are joint and we are not rich enough to be able to buy cars at the drop of a hat.

But if the other posters are correct and this is merely a boyfriend that you do not even live with, you need to stop. No he does not need to agree it with you or even discuss it with you.

Also I doubt my husbands brothers have a clue when my birthday is and I have never expected presents from them.

SingANewSongChickenTikka · 12/02/2021 09:17

Ah, you’re back!

You don’t share finances, and he has been very clear about his priorities and where his brother features in them. You need to make your decision on whether this is what you’re comfortable with or if not whether you want to stick around or not.

billy1966 · 12/02/2021 09:20

Absolutely none of your business as you are not married.

But if this is a long term issue for you, move on.

It wouldn't occur to me to discuss what I do with my money with a boyfriend.

Ye are not living together nor married, absolutely nothing to do with you.