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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 12/02/2021 09:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be honest. But that being said, if he’s your partner, you’re not married, and you don’t live together nor do you share finances, you can’t really say anything as it’s his money.

Obviously your partner is a mug when he comes to his brother. His brother is old enough to be married so their relationship should be equal, but it’s not.

If I was you, you need to think about if you were ever to get married or live together, have kids, how this would effect you and whether your partner would put you and your family first over his brother.

SpiceRat · 12/02/2021 09:22

But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?
Yes. End of.

I’ve not seen your past posts but it’s clear this is a history. You are not financial linked in anyway way, not married or even living together. You absolutely don’t get a say on how he spends his own money. If you don’t like the way he handles his finances you are perfectly within your right to walk away from this relationship as you no doubt have concerns about how this will effect you in the future IF you were to become financially entwined, however at this moment in time you need to either stop trying to control your partner’s money or walk away from him.

Backupthebus · 12/02/2021 09:23

Please can you get him to write his versions of your episodes and constant discussions regarding his finances. We could then all tell him what he needs to know to move forward to an enjoyable life.

Spoiler alert…. Relationships are meant to be fun 😉

Meowtha · 12/02/2021 09:25

Oh you again!

okokok000 · 12/02/2021 09:27

You again? Ffs how many times do you need to be told the same thing? On your last thread you seemed to eventually accept you were in the wrong.

For the record YABU. And How your boyfriend puts up with this continual circus is beyond me.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 12/02/2021 09:31

Another one who thinks this sounds painfully familiar- get over it op.

VettiyaIruken · 12/02/2021 09:32

Putting the fact that it's his money as "his" money reveals a lot.

You don't feel that it's his money. You've got your eye on it yourself and are annoyed that you can't get you claws into as much of it as you want because he's generous to his brother.

If he didn't get his brother a car, I could get my hands on that cash instead

I believe that is at the core of it and why you keep coming back trying to get people to agree with you that you have a right to decide what he does with his money. Sorry, "his" money.

Not that you'll admit it.

Ileflottante · 12/02/2021 09:32

Ah I thought it was familiar. And I’m pretty new here!

Butchyrestingface · 12/02/2021 09:35

Have you tried posting your complaint to Netmums, Reddit or even MSE, @NetflixandChillOut?

I ask because repeatedly posting slightly different variations on the same theme here is beginning to feel like Groundhog Day. Time for a change of scenery, I think!

SD1978 · 12/02/2021 09:37

As others have said. You don't share finances, doesn't sound like you share a house, you have no kids together, it's none of your business. And if it's the poster I'm thinking of- haven't seen you in a while, and yes you're usually unreasonable about your partner and his family......

Susie477 · 12/02/2021 09:39

You are not married to this guy. You do not live with him. You do not have shared finances with him. Therefore what he chooses to do with his money is none of your business.

If you can’t see a future with him because you have fundamentally different and incompatible attitudes to money, end the relationship,

FinallyHere · 12/02/2021 09:44

But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?

How would you feel if he wanted to stop you buying something with your own money?

Meowtha · 12/02/2021 09:46

@FinallyHere

But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?

How would you feel if he wanted to stop you buying something with your own money?

Yes, it means you have no say over his money.
Ikora · 12/02/2021 09:48

I haven’t seen a previous thread by you. You have no right to tell him what to do with his money.

But when people marry or have dc their money does become mixed albeit in slightly different ways, there is however the 50/50 mantra on MN. I would not want to be in a serious relationship where a sibling is constantly being bailed out.

bloodyhairy · 12/02/2021 09:49

I think you need to butt out.

Beautiful3 · 12/02/2021 09:53

You dont live together, it's his money so you have no right to say anything. I'm surprised that you would?! However if you lived together, had children together and shared the financial pot so it affected you. Then yes I'd say something. But you're not in that situation.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 12/02/2021 09:54

You again?
It's not your business what your boyfriend does with his money. How he puts up with you arguing about this time and time again is a mystery.

YouokHun · 12/02/2021 09:54

Funnily enough my neighbour bought his sister a car recently, it must have cost c.£15k. It seemed quite a frivolous act to me as I know he took her and her children to Disneyland in 2019, but I don’t spend much time thinking about it because I don’t share finances with him and so it doesn’t really affect me.

I’ve lived next door to him for nearly 20 years so I’m wondering if that does actually give me the right to tell him how to spend his money? What do you think @NetflixandChillOut?

Northofsomewhere · 12/02/2021 09:57

I agree with many of the others, he isn't going to change, if you end up sharing finances he will still continue to support his brother. He will also continue to buy gifts for his brother which in your eyes you feel aren't appropriately reciprocated (I don't think gifts have to be of equal monetary value to be fair), this will not stop, can you put up with this for the rest of your life.

In this instance (which is actually what you're asking about) it's his money and as long as he's still meeting any shared financial responsibilities then it really isn't anything to do with you. Same if he wanted to blow the same amount on something you saw as worthless. It's his money and until it becomes joint money or he can't meet any shared financial responsibilities (mortgage, rent, bills, etc) then you don't have any say. You need to consider the financial future with this man who will always support and give lavish gifts to his brother.

IloveFebruary · 12/02/2021 09:58

You sound financially incompatible.
You dislike his brother.
You want to control your partner’s spending.

I would suggest the relationship will be unsuccessful long term because of the above.

Clicketyclick21 · 12/02/2021 09:58

This is familiar, I'm surprised that your boyfriend is still with you tbh. You are financially controlling and your bf should get himself out of this coercive relationship.

okokok000 · 12/02/2021 10:00

Also:

"Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially?"

NO BECAUSE YOU HAVE SAID TIME AND AGAIN THAT YOU DON'T SHARE FINANCES!!! whilst he might be taking advantage of your boyfriend, as you have repeatedly been told as you don't live together or share finances it has nothing to do with you.

HelloDulling · 12/02/2021 10:02

How much did you, personally, give towards the wedding present/honeymoon? Not your boyfriend, you?

CoolCatTaco · 12/02/2021 10:09

I also recognise you, you're obsessed with this. Your boyfriend might well be a fool, but you don't have a say, never mind authority, over someone else's money when you don't live together or share finances!!

BlueJag · 12/02/2021 10:12

You would drive me crazy. You are overstepping. It's his money HIS money. There isn't US in this.
Clearly you are jealous and if you carry on like this he will be rethinking your relationship.