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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:

Letsskidaddle · 12/02/2021 10:47

It's not your money - or shared money - in any way, shape or form.

It is entirely up to him what he does with it. Would you have the same issue if he wanted to buy YOU a car?!

Maybe if you're meant to both be saving for a deposit so you can live together I can see you'd be put-out but it is still his money in that situation.

He clearly has a great, loving relationship with his brother, who you don't really seem to like. If I was your DP this dislike of my brother would annoy me as much, if not more, than trying to control how I spent my money. His brother will always be important to him and it would be very sad if you tried to jeopardise that.

Pebbledashery · 12/02/2021 10:48

You don't share finances.
It's his brother.
And it's his money.
No say whatsoever.

LadyEloise · 12/02/2021 10:48

Yes I would be annoyed with the unequalness of it if both your partner and his brother were earning similar amounts. But if your partner is very wealthy and wants to help out / treat his brother , that is lovely and kind. Provided he also treats you.
If I were wealthy I'd help my siblings too.

SpringtimeBluebells · 12/02/2021 10:49

You don't live with him and seem jealous that he wants to help his brother?

YABVVU

Wellthatwassilly · 12/02/2021 10:51

Fuck sake the OP is being ripped a new 1 here

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2021 10:51

Oh FFS - not you again!

Just can this relationship - you clearly don’t agree on this and never will. You’ve been posting about this for ages.

AmandaHugenkiss · 12/02/2021 10:51

Agree with previous posters. You seem to be avoiding the question about if you live together or have shared financial responsibilities, so I’m going to assume you don’t.

If you don’t live together, don’t have shared mortgage/rent/bills/kids then none of your business.

If you do have these things together but he’s earning enough that it isn’t stopping either of you living your normal life, none of your business.

If you live together and he can’t pay his fair share because he’s giving money to his brother, then it’s your business but honestly it doesn’t sound like he values your opinion at all and the money is a symptom of bigger problems.

I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with this situation in my relationship with my live-in partner, so if it makes you unhappy then you probably aren’t compatible financially.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 12/02/2021 10:52

How on earth hasn't he left you yet?

Yet again you have no say whatsoever ....you and your opinion are not relevant at all in what your DP chooses to do .

Anyone else beginning to wonder if he is doing this stuff now just to annoy OP?

CharlieParley · 12/02/2021 10:53

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes, that's what it means when you don't share finances.

austenwildfell · 12/02/2021 10:53

You call him your partner, so it depends on the commitments that you have to each other.
Do you live together? Do you both have plans for deeper more committed relationship?
Then you definitely should have input.

I would think that he should listen to you and take notice of what you say about presents and other finances.
If there is an ambition to have more than a house share with benefits
You better remember that you will always be expected to bail the bro out of whatever mess he gets into until death do you part.
It would be like marrying then finding a surprise step child on your doorstep.
Sorry if this joins the MN 'doom is nigh' brigade

RickJames · 12/02/2021 10:54

This is insane!

He's not your partner, he's your boyfriend. If you want more gifts stop being a pain in the arse about stuff that doesn't concern you and then maybe your money-bags boyfriend will be more inclined to treat you.

titchy · 12/02/2021 10:55

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes. That's how adulting works. He is a free person with the autonomy to do what he wants with the money he earns. The good news is that it works two ways - you are also free to do what you want with the money you earn!

Isn't it great being a grown up!

Pebbledashery · 12/02/2021 10:55

OP. I remember your previous threads.. I think you need to take a step back a bit.. You keep going over and over the same thing again and even if it's unintentional.. You're coming across as extremely grabby and money obsessed.
Bottom line is.. You don't live together.. You don't share finances... If he's taking money from the joint account from the marital mortgaged home that you both share and contribute towards that's an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SCENARIO.. but the fact of the matter is.. It's HIS money... Not yours. I don't know how many times you have to post to just get the same answer over and and over again. Its a bit tiresome. Your DP sounds generous and maybe he is a bit of a mug.. But it's his problem and not yours. God, be grateful you're not with a controlling and financially abusive b*stard.

Cyw2018 · 12/02/2021 10:58

Do you and DP have children together?
Have you sacrificed your career/earnings for your DPs career?

If the answer to both these questions is no, then it is non of your business what your DP chooses to spend his money on. If you are not compatible financially then it is possibly time to rethink your relationship. As much as it isn't as romantic as 'chemistry' and shared interest, financial compatibility is essential for a long term healthy relationship/marriage (if you ever go down that route).

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/02/2021 10:58

I do wish he'd hurry up and finish this relationship, it''s so very tedious for the rest of us.

Grow up and give it a rest.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2021 10:58

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes.

I don't think his DB even needs a car as he and his wife has got one between them already

It's really none of your business and they may prefer a car each. Myself and DH have a car each.

and this wasn't the original present, the original present was the honeymoon which has still been given as they have spent the money so this is an additional one.

I'd only be annoyed if he tried to ask me for money towards it.

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness,

I'd probably feel that it was unequal, but if I've mentioned it previously to my partner and he's fine with it, then I wouldn't raise it again.

If your DP can afford it...which it sounds like, then it's his business.
His brother probably has less money, but I would expect or hope that his brother did other favours for him, just to show appreciation, but again..it's not my business.

If his brother is demanding gifts or money...that's one thing, as I can understand the feeling that your partner is being taken advantage of.
If you don't like that feeling...you need to decide of this relationship is for you.

In all honesty if my partner that I didn't live with told me I was giving my brother too much, I'd tell them to butt out and if the partner carried on saying it, I'd end the relationship.

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2021 10:58

Unless it interfered with what you both do together, ie your DP can’t afford a holiday with you, or go for a meal because he’s giving his money to his brother, then i don’t think you can actually dictate to him how he spends his money. It would though piss me off just for the fact that someone is actually sponging off someone I care about.

OldEvilOwl · 12/02/2021 10:59

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes! That's exactly it. You have no say whatsoever how he spends HIS money! It's not your money, and nothing to do with you how he spends it. I don't know why that's so difficult for you to understand

Azerothi · 12/02/2021 10:59

You sound very over-invested in what is a casual boyfriend. I think calling him your partner and being so over-involved and controlling with his money is creepy and unnecessary.

If I was this boyfriend you're dating I would run a mile. I don't understand why he hasn't but he is certainly keeping you at arm's length where you belong.

PoppyFleur · 12/02/2021 11:00

OP your DP doesn’t appear to take your thoughts into consideration, how does this make you feel?

It’s lovely that your DP treats his brother, if he can afford it and it isn’t impacting family finances. How does he treat you, is he respectful of you?

You mentioned your DP brother recently got married, is marriage something you want and is it on the cards?

In short, is this a relationship that has a future and one that you should be investing in given that your DP doesn’t take anything you say on this matter into consideration?

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/02/2021 11:01

You don’t share finances so you have zero say on how your partner spends HIS money.

The only exception would be if your partner is living in a squat and eating only pot noodles because his brother is financially abusing him by taking all his money. But if you partner is well off and can afford to help his brother, leave him be. Many times older siblings take on a parental role to younger siblings. I know I do as I’m eldest and often am helping out my two youngest siblings.

jellybeans44 · 12/02/2021 11:01

Oh for god sake you post the same thing every single time, and everyone always tells you you're unreasonable. Please do your boyfriend and all of us a favour and leave him, he deserves so much better.

Chewbecca · 12/02/2021 11:02

It all depends on affordability. If your DH is Simon Cowell, there really isn't a problem.

Is your DH super wealthy?

CharlieParley · 12/02/2021 11:02

@Hopeisnotastrategy

I do wish he'd hurry up and finish this relationship, it''s so very tedious for the rest of us.

Grow up and give it a rest.

Lolapusht · 12/02/2021 11:03

I am amazed you are still in a relationship with your boyfriend and that he hasn’t ended things!

I seem to remember something from a previous thread about a box of Roses given as a really inadequate present?!

You have separate finances. Your DP can afford to give money to his brother. It is his money to do with as he pleases. Your DP has a strong relationship with his DB which is not going to change, if you don’t like it up you can end the relationship.

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