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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
SunshineNeededNow · 12/02/2021 10:12

You sound very jealous.
You have no input on his finances.
It doesn't affect you if you don't live together

Serendipity79 · 12/02/2021 10:14

I'm really curious now about the previous threads that everyone else seems to remember! (Going off to search)

Tbh if you dont live together and you dont have joint finances, then I am really confused as to why this would keep you up at night. It sounds like your DP and brother are very close and he is able to financially help him out. I've done similar for my family in the past not that they appreciated it long term but that's a different story!

It also depends on the context. If your DP has a minimum wage job and cant afford to help his brother then fair enough, but if he's rolling in cash and this is what he wants to do with it then its not really any of your business surely?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/02/2021 10:15

What is wrong with You? How many times do people have to tell you it is NONE of Your Business!

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 10:24

@YouokHun

Funnily enough my neighbour bought his sister a car recently, it must have cost c.£15k. It seemed quite a frivolous act to me as I know he took her and her children to Disneyland in 2019, but I don’t spend much time thinking about it because I don’t share finances with him and so it doesn’t really affect me.

I’ve lived next door to him for nearly 20 years so I’m wondering if that does actually give me the right to tell him how to spend his money? What do you think @NetflixandChillOut?

Well, clearly not? Or are you trying to seriously say that a random neighbour of yours compared to a partner of mine is on the same level of a relationship? Hmm

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever? I don't think his DB even needs a car as he and his wife has got one between them already and this wasn't the original present, the original present was the honeymoon which has still been given as they have spent the money so this is an additional one. Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you?

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 12/02/2021 10:26

Do you live together?
If you keep your finances separate surely he can do what he chooses with his portion of the separated money ?

He sounds like a nice brother, if he chooses to help his brother out that's up to him providing it's not effecting your own household.
You don't know there might be more to the setup then you understand in their relationship.

VettiyaIruken · 12/02/2021 10:29

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

It
Is
Not
Your
Money

It has nothing to do with you.
Take your eyes off his bank balance and make your own cash.

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 12/02/2021 10:30

You have no say on the matter.

You have no say on the matter.

You. Have. No. Say. On. The. Matter.

TidyDancer · 12/02/2021 10:30

Do you live together?
How long have you been together?
How does this impact you financially?

Based on what you've said already, it sounds like this is absolutely none of your business.

Dontbeme · 12/02/2021 10:31

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Why WOULD you have a say? Just why, do you have any of the following:
-joint mortgage
-kids together
-shared finances
-any legally binding joint financial circumstances at all that this guy flittering his money away would have an impact on your financial security?

Then you would have a say. Bluntly OP I don't think this guy is the man for you, you are not on the same page so just move on.

Hwory · 12/02/2021 10:33

Your boyfriend can spend his money how he wants.

It doesn't matter it it's a good idea or not. It doesn't effect you.

I would suggest dumping him as you'll eventually move in together or have kids then it'll effect you and he's CLEARLY not agreeing with you and CLEARLY isn't going to change.

Get over it or set yourself free.

YouokHun · 12/02/2021 10:33

Well, clearly not? Or are you trying to seriously say that a random neighbour of yours compared to a partner of mine is on the same level of a relationship?

Yep, in terms of shared finances that’s exactly what I’m suggesting.

Butchyrestingface · 12/02/2021 10:33

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes, of course he should be able to spend that much. And of course, you should have no say in the matter.

VettiyaIruken · 12/02/2021 10:33

What exactly is he "doing to you"?
Giving money to others instead of you?

How much have you given his brother out of your money? How exactly has your own financial situation been affected ?

Why are you so desperate to get your mitts on your boyfriend's cash?
Why can't you accept it's fuck all to do with you? He's your boyfriend. That doesn't give you control over his finances.

If you lived together, shared a child and he wasn't contributing towards providing for the child because he was chucking cash at his brother then you'd have a point. But that's not the case so take your hand off his wallet

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/02/2021 10:35

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

YES. He's your boyfriend. This is not yet a partnership, no matter how much you want it to be.

Doingitaloneandproud · 12/02/2021 10:37

If you aren't married or living together then it's his money and his choice alone to do what he wants. If you're so obsessed with money I suggest you try and earn more yourself. Your DP can do what he likes with his own as you can do what you like with your own.

okokok000 · 12/02/2021 10:38

"Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?"

Exactly this. None of your business. You sound very controlling.

As for wouldn't we be annoyed if I had no say? No because we don't share finances. The mind boggles as to how you keep regurgitating the same question in the hope that people will suddenly agree with you.

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2021 10:38

Are you living together?

Aria2015 · 12/02/2021 10:38

You don't say what the financial circumstances of them both are? If your dp is well off and his db not so much, then I wouldn't be bothered by the fact that the gifts between the two were 'unequal'. The gift of a car is very generous but I see no real issue if you dp can afford it. If you don't share finances or have joint commitments (eg children, mortgage) then I don't think you should have a say I'm afraid.

Myself and my dp are in a better financial position to my younger brother and although it's on a smaller scale, we'll spend quite a bit more on him, than him in us. We know he doesn't have a very well paid job and so we like to treat him. We don't expect anything in return. Your dp sounds like a very generous person and assuming he can afford all of this and isn't getting himself into debt over it, it's a quality I'd celebrate rather than complain about.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2021 10:40

But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?

Yes.

Takingontheflab · 12/02/2021 10:42

Jesus christ OP.

You are grabby. Your husband may be a mug is extremely generous. What a nice bloke.

You don't get a say. You don't even get to be annoyed. It has nothing to do with you. You don't live together, you don't share finances.

Tbh the fact they don't buy you gifts on special occasions suggests they don't view your relationship as serious and your weird posts do seem to suggest you think this relationship is more than it is!

ShouldIgonow · 12/02/2021 10:43

If you were married, shared finances, had kids - if you told me your DP was vulnerable to exploitation in someway (ie not having the capacity to make his own financial decisions), if you told me that he was starving or unable to put food on the table for you and your children - then I would say you’re being reasonable.

But as it stands you’re not married - you don’t live together? You don’t share finances - it’s his money and his brother. So YABU!

TedMullins · 12/02/2021 10:43

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Another vote for yes, that’s exactly what it means.

Love51 · 12/02/2021 10:44

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

YES. He's your boyfriend. This is not yet a partnership, no matter how much you want it to be.

Couldn't quote from the op so quoted from a pp. Yes! That's what not sharing finances means! Not sharing finances means that you can spend, save, lend, borrow and give away your money as you see fit!

The one where you have to consult your girlfriend is where you ARE sharing finances. There are degrees of this sharing.

Collaborate · 12/02/2021 10:44

If I were your boyfriend I'd run a mile.

I wouldn't be such a mug with a brother like that, but you are so controlling. He can obviously afford it, and presumably earns much more that his brother.

YoniAndGuy · 12/02/2021 10:45

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes. 100%

BUT - you most definitely do have the right to point out that you don't plan to take your relationship further because you dislike the situation. Sounds like you already have though, in which case, vote with your feet and tell him you're out, and off to find a partner who won't end up using your family money to fawn over his brother.

You are being ridiculous thinking you have a say, but if the situation is as you describe it, they sound grabby and your partner sounds nuts for funding them. So longer term it's a big red flag and I'd stop wasting your time on this guy unless you want to be having arguments like this for the rest of your life.