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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Jollygoodtime · 14/02/2021 17:29

You replied before saying you are helping him out together. Stop giving your share of the money then if you actually do give him it. If you don’t then it’s not ‘we’ just ‘he’. It’s not automatically both because you are together. I don’t know why you always post the same kind of thing, asking the same, hoping to get different answers. He’s clearly not going to stop. If that’s a dealbreaker, then walk, if not, leave it alone or you will drive him away.

LolaSmiles · 14/02/2021 18:17

The issue here is long, long, long beyond the actions of your DP's brother. If he is or is not a piss-taker isn't the issue here.

The issue is your inability to accept, after multiple conversations with him, your partner's right to choose to spend money on his brother
This, totally this.

It's bloody amazing that the OP still had a relationship when they are so obsessed with arguing they are right and trying to bully their way into having a say in their financially independent partner's affairs

bpirockin · 15/02/2021 02:34

I agree with others in that you do not live together, and it is your partner's money to do what he wants with. I can also understand that you feel he is being taken advantage of, and that's not pleasant to accept.

Unfortunately the way you word things gives the impression that you have more right to your partner's money than his brother. This would be understandable if the two of you had agreed to start saving towards buying a home together or something like that, but if that's the case then I've missed it.

All you can do is try to understand why your DP feels obligated to keep financing another grown-up's lifestyle, and work with whatever that reason appears to be. Maybe he feels guilty in some way, or in his family that's what people do. What I do know is that every time I've seen such a dynamic, things only changed, and the person who's bad with money took responsibility for themselves once the facilitator set some boundaries and stuck to them. Point out to DP that he works hard for his money, the brother could do the same. What would happen to the brother if DP was unable to provide assistance? Point out that by withdrawing, he will ultimately be doing the brother a favour and helping him to live within his means. That's all you can really do when in reality it is not your problem, and does not impact on you financially.

Whythesadface · 15/02/2021 12:14

Maybe that's your answer.
You say your DP always gives his brother money, when ever asked.
Maybe you should say hey if your giving away money can I have some too.
If your home , stick it into a bottle, so your boyfriend can see his cash mounting up in the bottle...
Tell your DP that your not touching the bottle it's his, but you would like him to see it mounting up.

JustLyra · 15/02/2021 12:21

@Whythesadface

Maybe that's your answer. You say your DP always gives his brother money, when ever asked. Maybe you should say hey if your giving away money can I have some too. If your home , stick it into a bottle, so your boyfriend can see his cash mounting up in the bottle... Tell your DP that your not touching the bottle it's his, but you would like him to see it mounting up.
You think the solution is to be a patronising twat and treat his partner like some sort of thicko who doesn't understand how much he's giving his brother (even though the OP has been banging on at him about it for years!)?
OakSnows · 15/02/2021 12:26

Going against the grain, is this a cultural thing? Or I’d assume little brother has some sort of hold over your DP, something he blackmailed him for when younger/feels he needs to make up for some unseen family trauma.

He’s a married adult and thinks he just gets what he wants? Unless your DP is a millionaire who wants to treat his family and is do that with all members.

Whythesadface · 15/02/2021 12:42

JustLyra, sorry I upset you.
It was meant to be sort of light hearted.
I did tell OP in a previous post that I didn't think there was much she could do.

JustLyra · 15/02/2021 12:51

@Whythesadface

JustLyra, sorry I upset you. It was meant to be sort of light hearted. I did tell OP in a previous post that I didn't think there was much she could do.
I’m not remotely upset. I just think it was an utterly baffling suggestion.

He has been badgering the life out of his poor partner for years over this and if he had a female partner I don’t think people would be making funny suggestions encouraging him to be more controlling or to continue his pestering.

Whythesadface · 15/02/2021 12:57

So long as his partner has the money to give to his brother, yes he should be able to do so.
However I can also understand OP hating to see his partner being used as a cash cow.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 15/02/2021 13:14

@OakSnows

Going against the grain, is this a cultural thing? Or I’d assume little brother has some sort of hold over your DP, something he blackmailed him for when younger/feels he needs to make up for some unseen family trauma.

He’s a married adult and thinks he just gets what he wants? Unless your DP is a millionaire who wants to treat his family and is do that with all members.

I don't think so? I am British and not white, my partner is not British and white. But he has never said anything like "this is how we do things where I come from" whenever the topic is brought up so I don't think it's cultural. But I might google it and see. I definitely do not think it is blackmailing. He is not scared or wary around his brother, neither am I, people have said it sounds like I dislike him or hate him, but I don't. We get on well and really like each other and before covid we all hung out together a lot. It's just this particular issue that causes awkwardness.
OP posts:
JustLyra · 15/02/2021 13:22

@Whythesadface

So long as his partner has the money to give to his brother, yes he should be able to do so. However I can also understand OP hating to see his partner being used as a cash cow.
Not a single person on the thread has defended the brother.

The issue is long past the brother and the money.

The issue is that, for years, the OP think's it's acceptable to try and force his partner into agreeing with him (to the point he once binned a Christmas present deemed unworthy!).

The OP abuses his partner as much as his brother does, if not more.

okokok000 · 15/02/2021 13:24

Your own description of your boyfriends position from April 2018:
*
"I have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will."*

That really is all you need to know. But obviously you're like a dog with a bone hellbent on destroying your own relationship so keep going. Just don't be surprised when your boyfriend ends things.

Whythesadface · 15/02/2021 13:30

As said, I did tell the OP the only option is not to comment.
It doesn't stop you from hurting when your DP is being used as a cash cow.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 15/02/2021 13:36

Not a single person on the thread has defended the brother.

The issue is long past the brother and the money.

The issue is that, for years, the OP think's it's acceptable to try and force his partner into agreeing with him (to the point he once binned a Christmas present deemed unworthy!).

The OP abuses his partner as much as his brother does, if not more.

Hi JustLyra.

I did once throw a small box of Roses chocolate in the bin in a fit of my own anger which I know was wrong, but I also apologised for what I did and replaced them the very next day. I do NOT, as you say, "abuse my partner" nor am I not saying my partner is being abused by his brother either, all I said was that I think his brother is trying to take advantage.

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 15/02/2021 13:38

Where is the like button. xxx

JustLyra · 15/02/2021 13:42

@NetflixandChillOut

Not a single person on the thread has defended the brother.

The issue is long past the brother and the money.

The issue is that, for years, the OP think's it's acceptable to try and force his partner into agreeing with him (to the point he once binned a Christmas present deemed unworthy!).

The OP abuses his partner as much as his brother does, if not more.

Hi JustLyra.

I did once throw a small box of Roses chocolate in the bin in a fit of my own anger which I know was wrong, but I also apologised for what I did and replaced them the very next day. I do NOT, as you say, "abuse my partner" nor am I not saying my partner is being abused by his brother either, all I said was that I think his brother is trying to take advantage.

You absolutely do abuse your partner, you just refuse to see it.

You have repeatedly attempted to control how he spends his money.
You have repeatedly tried to interfere in his relationship with his brother.
You binned his Christmas present (and what that present was is irrelevant - it was your partners present from his brother, nothing to do with you), and iirc once snatched his phone from his hand when he was speaking to his brother.

Constantly hounding your partner about their finances (actually constantly hounding them about anything) is controlling and abusive. No matter how many times you say it's not.

Original poster
NetflixandChillOut · 15/02/2021 13:43

@Whythesadface

As said, I did tell the OP the only option is not to comment. It doesn't stop you from hurting when your DP is being used as a cash cow.
Thank you. This is my point. And people have said I do not or should not have a say and that I should stand back and watch and say nothing when my DP is being used as a cash cow. And people trying to associate it with being on the same level as a neighbour and demanding to be involved in their finances like i's anything near the same thing. What would be nearer to the same thing was a family member. And if a family member was getting taken advantage of financially and you told someone and said you knew that it was happening the first thing that person would ask is "Well why didn''t you do do anything?"
OP posts:
JustLyra · 15/02/2021 13:44

@Whythesadface

As said, I did tell the OP the only option is not to comment. It doesn't stop you from hurting when your DP is being used as a cash cow.
Doesn't excuse hounding your partner.

If you don't like something your partner does then you leave. Trying to bully them into your way of thinking is not an acceptable solution.

Tallybeebloom · 15/02/2021 14:13

@netflixandchillout

I can see why it would piss you off for your partner, as it does sound like he's being taken advantage of a bit. But if you've voiced your concerns already there's not much else you can do and I think you need to step back a bit. It may be taking the piss but at the end of the day it's your DP's money and his choice. If you had a joint bank account or shared finances then absolutely you would be well within your rights to say you're not okay with this happening but seeing as your DP is spending his own money, I don't really see what you can do about it. He already knows you're not happy with it, you can't force him (and if you could then if you have an equal and loving relationship then you wouldn't want to anyway because that's control and no good relationship is based on that).

Viviennemary · 15/02/2021 14:42

He's your boyfriend. And you are not a family member. It's none of your business how he spends his money. Binning his Christmas present is abuse. End of.

AmandaHugenkiss · 15/02/2021 14:57

@NetflixandChillOut direct family comparison:

If a boyfriend who didn’t live with me or have any joint money commitments with me tried to constantly tell me that I shouldn’t give money to my sister whenever she asked for help, then he’d be an ex boyfriend pretty quickly. If he threw out her gifts to me, or tried to take away the phone when she called, he’d be binned on the spot.

I get that it’s frustrating to watch someone be a cheeky fucker and get money for nothing when the rest of us work hard for it, I really do, but your DP has essentially told you he knows his brother is a CF and he doesn’t care. He’s still going to give him money. The brother is taking advantage, yes, but your DP seems very happy to knowingly be taken advantage off. Either accept it or leave him.

DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 15:37

@NetflixandChillOut
I think you should be more concerned that your relationship hasn't changed or progressed in over two years meanwhile your DP's brother has got married moved in together and will probably soon have kids.
I anticipate in 5 years time it will be "my DP is being taking advantage of by his DN he's just bought her a pretend Range rover' AIBU to slash the tyres?"

DuchessHastings · 15/02/2021 15:46

[quote NetflixandChillOut]@Nanny0gg

No. Because they would have properly combined their lives. Become a partnership.

These two date. That's it. And he doesn't answer why the relationship hasn't progressed.

  1. I haven't seen anyone up until you, now, asking why my relationship hasn't progressed, and 2) I'm not really sure why you think your demanding an answer as to why we haven't got married is necessary or even relevant?? You say things like "we date" and make it sound like we are casually dating, but we have been together for years. It's not any of your business as to why we're not married.[/quote]
@NetflixandChillOut Just as its not your business how the person your dating spends money on someone they are related to.
MsPavlichenko · 15/02/2021 16:27

“A small box of Roses” Really?

Again, you need to stop all this.

Hannahusky · 15/02/2021 17:05

[quote AmandaHugenkiss]@NetflixandChillOut direct family comparison:

If a boyfriend who didn’t live with me or have any joint money commitments with me tried to constantly tell me that I shouldn’t give money to my sister whenever she asked for help, then he’d be an ex boyfriend pretty quickly. If he threw out her gifts to me, or tried to take away the phone when she called, he’d be binned on the spot.

I get that it’s frustrating to watch someone be a cheeky fucker and get money for nothing when the rest of us work hard for it, I really do, but your DP has essentially told you he knows his brother is a CF and he doesn’t care. He’s still going to give him money. The brother is taking advantage, yes, but your DP seems very happy to knowingly be taken advantage off. Either accept it or leave him.[/quote]
Yep. One hundred per cent. This is a point I made earlier and I absolutely agree. If you don't share finances then you don't get a say in where the money goes. This is absolutely controlling and abusive behaviour. Even when you do share finances it's not an excuse to control each other.

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