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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/02/2021 11:27

But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?

I didn't see your other threads so don't know if "partner" means you're married or not?
If not then you have little say in the matter ... but I do agree that he's allowing his DB to take the piss and on that basis I wouldn't ever marry him (and certainly wouldn't be having DCs with him)

Basically what I'm saying is that he's free to make his own choices - but then, so are you

BrumBoo · 12/02/2021 11:28

@NetflixandChillOut

Are you the op who's in a same-sex relationship who does nothing but moan about how his partner spends money on his brother? Sorry if it's the wrong person. If it's the same person though, Jesus will you give these threads up?? Every time you're told it's none of your damn business who your boyfriend spends his money on as it has zero effect on you.

Freshair85 · 12/02/2021 11:28

He isn't giving gifts to get gifts in return, he is giving them because he wants to help out his brother. I earn a lot more than my sibling and give much more expensive gifts than I receive and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
My partner also doesn't care what I do with my money as I can easily afford it.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2021 11:29

OP wants a new car

SilverRoe · 12/02/2021 11:29

“Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?”

Yes. Why do you think you have a say in how he chooses to spend his money? Can you articulate the reason why to yourself??

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 11:30

@Livelovebehappy

seatoski joint stuff? I’d be pretty pissed off if I wanted me and DP to invest in going on a holiday, but had to miss out, or adjust budget because he’d bought his dB a car. If someone is in a relationship with someone, then surely they have a right to discuss the impact that giving money away like this might have on what they do together? The odd handout now and again, fine, but a car?
if you don't live with someone or share finances you have no right to demand that they prioritise spending their money on you over spending it on other people. you have a right to feel whatever type of way about it, and to end the relationship if you feel that there's a dealbreaker level of inequality in how committed you are to one another, but you have no right to tell them what to do with their own money.
Fuckitsstillraining · 12/02/2021 11:30

You have no say whatsoever in his finances. If you lived together, were married, had children together and shared finances then you could moan but separate homes, no children together, he's not supporting you or be supported by you means butt out, if he wants to wipe his ass with £50 notes thats his business not yours.

Alfiemoon1 · 12/02/2021 11:30

It’s a bit odd he helps his brother so much and he’s not doing him any favours helping him stand on his own 2 feet BUT it’s his money you don’t share finances you don’t live together so it’s none of your business what or who he spends his money on he can obviously afford it and wants to help his brother out stay out of it

Dishwashersaurous · 12/02/2021 11:31

You don't share finances.
You have no say over what he spends his money on.

Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Please for everyone concerned p,please end this relationship as it is not making you happy

SeasonFinale · 12/02/2021 11:33

You don't even live together so no you have no say whatsoever.

What is the age difference between the brothers?
Are the parents still on the scene?
Did your boyfriend (that you don't live with) receive financial benefits from his parents if they are deceased that his brother may never receive and therefore his brother has taken on a paternal role with him?
Even if none of the above it is still his money his choice especially where you do not forma household with him.

Finally "the brother's wife is grabby" - oh the irony.

Plumplumbadum · 12/02/2021 11:33

Here you are again. You post, get hundreds of replies saying it's not any of your business what he spends his money on. And yet you ignore them all, constantly waiting and hoping for just one reply to justify how you feel.
You are controlling and obsessed with this man and his brother. He is in a controlling abusive relationship and in my opinion he needs help to leave you. I honestly do not know why he puts up with you.

Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2021 11:35

You don’t share finances so ‘no’ it’s none of your business, why would it be? Are you worried that one day when/if you get married that he will have no money left to share with you?, you do know that it his money to do what he wants with right?

notapizzaeater · 12/02/2021 11:39

But it doesn't involve you, you don't live together or share finances so what he wants to do with his money is up to him.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 12/02/2021 11:40

Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes.

He should be able to spend that much.

You have no say so in the matter whatsoever.

Seriously OP, just stop it already. You've had this made crystal clear to you by hundreds of people over countless threads now. You're coming across as an absolute nutcase.

GaryUnicorn · 12/02/2021 11:41

Do him a favour and ltb.

MissSomethingOrOther · 12/02/2021 11:43

My partner bought his sibling a car. The sibling is far less financially well off than my partner. Down to choice not competence. My partner and I have been together for donkeys years, live together, own a house together, started a family. Do I ever question what he spends his money on? No... it's his money. I wasn't even really consulted on the purchase. We split all the bills 50:50, and the rest is our own to save or blow as we see fit. If he questioned what I spend my money on I'd give him a mouthful. I don't own him, he doesn't own me. I really don't get these controlling people who insist on dictating where other peoples money goes.

TheCatThatGotTheCream · 12/02/2021 11:44

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever?

Yes.

Lady089 · 12/02/2021 11:45

It’s his money and his finances, so you don’t have the right to tell him how and who he spends his money on. If it was impacting your lives to the point you couldn’t pay your mortgage/bills, then that’s a different matter.
It looks like you don’t live together, so you’re both responsible for your own finances.

PegasusReturns · 12/02/2021 11:45

You are not his partner. You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. This is literally none of your business.

I have been married for twenty years. If my DH started having a opinion on how I spend my money, including the gifts I give to my siblings he’d be told to back off. If he persisted I’d genuinely consider whether our relationship was sustainable. After 20 years, 4DC and a shared life.

lioncitygirl · 12/02/2021 11:47

You sound very money-focussed. It’s not your money either.

CakeIsEternal · 12/02/2021 11:49

You again? Just stop it. It's the same thing over and over. You are so controlling.
You've been told the same answer every single time you post about this. Just leave your partner alone.

MrsExpo · 12/02/2021 11:50

You sound very controlling!! Why is he with you if you think you can tell him what to do with his own money and his own family. He can afford it, it's not your money (as has been pointed out many times above), he clearly has a good relationship with his brother .... so, absolutely none of your business.

Girlonit · 12/02/2021 11:51

Well thinking back to when I didn’t live with Dp, our money was completely separate. But we had discussed future plans, buying a house and he did include me in decisions such as buying a new car for himself.
I have to admit I’d find it really odd for him to be funding his brother so much unless he was very rich. Is it all disposable money @NetflixandChillOut?
How long have you been together?

CherryBlossomTree7 · 12/02/2021 11:53

I agree that it's not to to you what your DP spends his money on if you don't share finances and and don't live together.

If you're not happy with it, end it. You know he likes to spend money on his brother. If you get married, have children, move in together, share finances, he'll probably still be spending money on his brother. You don't like it so end it.

Topseeturveel · 12/02/2021 11:53

I wouldn't worry OP, this problem will be solved very soon. Suspect you won't be in a relationship with him much longer anyway. Sounds like he's pissed off with you.

There is no 'we' in this. Its his money, his decision.