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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP planning to buy his DB a car, I don't want him to, Who is BU?

502 replies

NetflixandChillOut · 12/02/2021 08:59

Need advice on whether this seems like strange behaviour to anyone else as I've been unabl to sleep much last night over it: My partner does a LOT for his younger brother but its never reciprocated when it comes to us. For instance - when it comes to my partners birthday, or christmas, we always get his brother lovely presents but don't get the same back in return, sometimes nothing at all. My partner is seemingly not bothered by the unfairness of this even though I have mentioned the imbalance in the past. Think of something like my partner would spend about 500 pounds on his present but then his brother would spend about 5 pounds on him and think that was acceptable and nobody mentions it, not my partner, not his brother, not his wife, I am the only one who voices that this is an impartial balance.

His brother has fairly recently got married which is another factor to this AIBU, as I can't help but feel that my partner paid more towards the wedding than was necessary - that doesn't even seem like a normal thing to do to me, not the contributing to the wedding part, but I personally felt like my partner contributed more to the wedding than was needed and he shouldn't have done so much. But that is over with and can't be changed now. We already got him and his wife a wedding present which was essentially a honeymoon but because they haven't used been able to go yet because of lockdown, my DP is talking of buying them a car because they have been talking of such for a while now (they do already have one so i dont think its even necessary personally)

He started a huge argument over it last night because I said that I don't think he should do it and he basically said I don't have any say in the matter and he can buy his own brother what he wants with his own money, but I feel like he may regret this and I'm feeling somewhat angry by his decision. But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter? Does anyone else think this sounds like his brother is taking the piss out of us financially? Keeping in mind that his brother is quite selfish and when it comes to my birthday he never really gets me anything and for christmas we only get a joint (and quite frankly, often crap) christmas present from him between us so I don't think, if my partner goes ahead with this, that it would be even appreciated or enough gratitude shown to us if we did this. And also, we already gave him money for the honeymoon and he has spent some of it already as he moved house so we have already given him a present financially and a car would then be an extra present on top of that. His brother is also the scrounging type and every time we see him he always says to my DP "Hi DP mate, could you borrow me X amount of money" and my DP never says no, but he never asks him for money back so this is always him borrowing money from us, not a two way street. His wife is also quite a grabby type too.

YABU and he should be allowed to buy his brother without my input

or YANBU and I should have some involvement on whether he should be able to do this or not?

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 12/02/2021 11:03

Why are you staying with this man? I couldn't be bothered, i'd move on, couldn't live with this stress and his brother all the time.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2021 11:03

@Wellthatwassilly

Fuck sake the OP is being ripped a new 1 here
Well she keeps posting the same thing and expecting a different answer, some people get frustrated with it.
SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2021 11:05

What's the age gap @NetflixandChillOut is it Def his brother?

You say you don't share finances but do you live together, have kids, a home? Does he pay his share or are you always tight on cash? Would he refuse to spend similar money within your household if needed?

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 11:06

you are being completely ridiculous. there is no 'we' and 'us' in the context of joint gifts etc as YOU DO NOT SHARE FINANCES. the inequality re gift giving is none of your business, this may come as a shock to you but most people do not see gift giving as transactional. your boyfriend sounds like a very kind and generous man, and perhaps you would do well to give him some credit for this facet of his personality especially since if he was less of a kind human he'd probably have dumped you by now

Ileflottante · 12/02/2021 11:07

OP, why are you so bothered by what your boyfriend spends his money on? Do you feel he should spend it on you? Do you want his money for yourself?

How long have you been together? Do you have kids? (I’m guessing not as you don’t cohabit)

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/02/2021 11:08

You, again OP? Its been a while, how's it going? I take it nothing much has changed because you're still asking the same question on Mnet and getting the same answer: YABU.

SeaToSki · 12/02/2021 11:08

What would you rather he spent the money on?

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2021 11:09

The problem is that your DP is not doing his brother any favours, as if there comes a time when the money pot runs dry - job loss/death, then the brother is going to struggle as it sounds like he has become very dependent on your DP financially. The brother is an adult and needs to take care of himself and his family. Your DP is enabling his brother to be a scrounger, but if your DP doesn’t care about that, there’s very little you can do.

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 11:10

to the people thinking that op is being harshly dealt with, I suggest you imagine a woman posting that her boyfriend sulks and argues with her constantly about her relationship with her family and what she does with her own money that she earns herself and imagine the sorts of things people would say about the boyfriend in that scenario. I think op is getting off quite lightly.

Sn0tnose · 12/02/2021 11:11

To other people replying: Even though we don't share finances do you think that means he should be able to spend that much and I have no say so in the matter whatsoever? Yes, we all think that is EXACTLY what it means. He can spend his money on whatever he likes and it is absolutely none of your business.

I don't think his DB even needs a car Completely irrelevant. You don’t share finances. It’s absolutely none of your business.

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you? No. Because before I lived with my DH, we didn’t share finances, so if he wanted to spend his wages on gifts for his family, I understood that it was none of my business.

One word that does stand out for me is your use of the word ‘unequal ness’. Are you really upset that he spends more on his brother than his brother spends on him? Or are you upset that he spends more on his brother than he spends on you? I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you are sounding obsessed with what he spends his money on. You’re going to damage your relationship beyond repair if you carry on.

TheCrowening · 12/02/2021 11:11

@Bluntness100

Oh god, have you posted several times before about his brother and your boyfriend who you don’t live with ans what he gives his brother.?
Started reading this, rolled my eyes and said, “You again!” out loud. And I have a terrible memory for posts.

I honestly don’t know why he puts up with you.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 12/02/2021 11:12

OP, I agree that your boyfriend is being very unreasonable.

For not ending this farce months ago by dumping you. FFS if I have to read this thread one more time I will scream.

PeckyOwl · 12/02/2021 11:13

Just stop it. For your own sanity. And even if you don't end the relationships stop calling him your DP because you are not partners. He's your boyfriend (for now). The relationship you have with him is not the one you imagine/want to have.

SpringtimeBluebells · 12/02/2021 11:14

@NetflixandChillOut

you said But we don't share finances so it is "his" money but does that mean I automatically have no authority in the matter?

You have no authority in the matter whatsoever!

Are you with your partner for his money? It sounds like you are and very obsessed with money.....

Earn your own money!

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2021 11:14

seatoski joint stuff? I’d be pretty pissed off if I wanted me and DP to invest in going on a holiday, but had to miss out, or adjust budget because he’d bought his dB a car. If someone is in a relationship with someone, then surely they have a right to discuss the impact that giving money away like this might have on what they do together? The odd handout now and again, fine, but a car?

Pebbledashery · 12/02/2021 11:14

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Username12353784 · 12/02/2021 11:15

It is a bit odd. I’d be annoyed to op. Whilst it’s great your partner is so generous, j also think it needs to be slowed down. His brother seems reliant on your partner. YANBU. Whilst it’s your partners money, did you live together? If you do you definitely need to put your foot down. If you don’t it maybe a little more tricky but if you ever moved in together it would need to be considered. Do you have kids, are you planning children?

CakeRequired · 12/02/2021 11:16

Stop whining and walk away. I couldn't be with someone who gives so much away to a family member for no reason and who doesn't even need it. It's just stupid and it will never get any better.

You're an idiot for staying with him. Walk away, leave him to his mess.

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 12/02/2021 11:17

If you don't live together or share finances. Then you're being totally unreasonable in wanting to dictate what and who your boyfriend spends his money on. You have about as much financial right and say in his money as you do with Joe blogg's money 5 doors down

Snowpaw · 12/02/2021 11:19

Presents are given for the sake of giving. Not for what you deserve in return.

Sally872 · 12/02/2021 11:21

Yabu. But as this is an ongoing issue either learn to accept your partners generosity to his brother and move on. Or don't accept it and for both your sakes split up. You can't/shouldn't control partner. You can only control your own reaction.

ChronicallyCurious · 12/02/2021 11:22

Do you live together? If you don’t share finances then I really don’t think you get any say in the matter.

Sn0tnose · 12/02/2021 11:24

I’d be pretty pissed off if I wanted me and DP to invest in going on a holiday, but had to miss out, or adjust budget because he’d bought his dB a car. If someone is in a relationship with someone, then surely they have a right to discuss the impact that giving money away like this might have on what they do together? The odd handout now and again, fine, but a car? He isn’t her partner, they’re dating. They don’t live together, they don’t share finances, they don’t have children together, he doesn’t owe her any money and she’s never suggested that her life has ever been impacted in any way by his generosity towards his brother, other than she thinks the brothers gifts aren’t expensive enough.

What she’s doing is attempting to stop him from spending his money how he wants to spend it and, instead, spend it how she wants him to spend it.

BertramLacey · 12/02/2021 11:25

Even if you think IABU would you not be annoyed at the unequalness, especially if you were told that it didn't involve you and you had no say, if your partner did this to you?

He's not doing it to you. He's giving a gift to his brother. That's not doing anything to you. I don't live with my partner and we do not share finances. I accept this means I have zero say in what he does with his money. However, attitudes to finance are important in a relationship and I went into my relationship with him knowing that we have a similar take on money and budgeting. So you can either accept what your partner is doing, or end the relationship. What you can't do, well shouldn't be doing anyway, is try to change him. You won't be able to. Either accept this is what he does, or get out of Dodge. Your current path will only lead to misery.

Sittingonabench · 12/02/2021 11:27

If you don’t share finances then no you don’t get a say. You suggest it is unequal but from what you’ve said the distribution of wealth is also unequal and so it doesn’t follow that it is necessarily unfair (eg my dsis is generous and may spend more on me than I on her because she has more disposable income, however our relationship is build on mutual respect and unwavering support, it’s not based on financial transactions). How is it the brother that is taking the piss when it is your partners actions you are upset by? Should his brother bankrupt himself to keep up? Your partner sounds generous and kind to be thinking of a gift they can use, these are personality traits and won’t change so if you do at any point share finances I would expect your partner to continue this. You can express displeasure, but that’s about it, you have no authority over his money or gifts to family.

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