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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 12/02/2021 10:04

I am a childminder and get cold sores from time to time. They are a normal part of life much like the common cold and wouldn't even cross my mind to inform a family that I had one. I'm scratching my head here. So confused!! I have my own 2 children and they don't get them and I was very very close to them as babies as well as all the babies I've looked after and they haven't caught it either. I think it's just been bad luck OP.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 12/02/2021 10:06

@Greendoonan

YANBU. She’s infected your child with herpes. People have been convicted of GBH for knowingly infecting someone with genital herpes. I don’t see how this is any different.
Are you actually accusing the childminder of GBH?

OP please give this woman appropriate paid notice and leave her alone. This is ridiculous.

MadameButterface · 12/02/2021 10:06

he's probably had a swig of one of the other dcs' drinks, it happens. you seem pretty certain that it was the cm herself though, on little evidence, and you've also decided that she must have poor hygiene. you may wish to do some work on your own prejudice about certain conditions meaning people are dirty, have poor hygiene etc, since other ppl will be looking at your ds and thinking the same about him when he grows up.

my eldest gets coldsores, no one else in the family does, I have no idea why or where he got his first one, probably from being a grim toddler who shoved stuff in his mouth, as they do.

ChippyChickenChips · 12/02/2021 10:06

Also, he may not have another. 90% of the population have the virus, many in dormant state so do not get cold sores

I used to get them as a child, mostly when I had a cold. As an adult I get them very rarely. Once every 3 or 4 or even 5 years maybe. I can actually pinpoint what triggers them. Too long in the sun is one trigger. And periods of extreme stress, for example when my mother died.

I'll probably get one this afternoon now. Sod's law.

DayBath · 12/02/2021 10:07

@LadyMayoGoodway

You are totally not being unreasonable all the adults I know who have them suffer terribly, the people commenting on here clearly have no personal experience of them or know anyone who has.

There’s some absolute dicks on this thread - I’m looking at you @JADS given that the CM has a cold sore and OP and childs DF have never had one I would say the likelihood is yes he may have caught the virus at an earlier date - but probably from the childminder. Also where did she say she’s wasn’t going to pay her - she’s never mentioned money.

Given its one of the most common viruses we have with 7 in 10 people in the UK having them at any one time your comment is extremely dense. The majority of people on this thread will have experienced them, including myself.
PricklesAndSpikes · 12/02/2021 10:08

@Kdubs1981

HSV1 (oral herpes) is present in 90% of the population. So he very careful before you decide it's your child minder. It could be you. He could have had it ages.

Also if you have studied Clive you will know that herpes simplex encephalitis is extremely rare and that his level of anterograde and retrograde amnesia resulting from contracting is also not common. He was very unlucky indeed.

So 90% of the population are "at risk" of herpes simplex encephalitis, but you are several thousand times more likely to be severely injured or killed in a car accident. Do you allow your child in the car? Just to try and get the relative risks into perspective and reduce your anxiety.

Also, he may not have another. 90% of the population have the virus, many in dormant state so do not get cold sores.

I'm quoting this in case anyone missed it. Perfectly explained @Kdubs1981 - the calm voice of non-sensational fact.
Thefaceofboe · 12/02/2021 10:08

YANBU. She’s infected your child with herpes. People have been convicted of GBH for knowingly infecting someone with genital herpes. I don’t see how this is any different

GBH!! oh my god Grin

emmaluggs · 12/02/2021 10:08

I get it’s upsetting. Having suffered with cold sores dreadfully in the past I’d be upset if my children ended up with one so young. I’ve had them to point where it’s hurts to eat drink and talk. But ultimately it’s a mild virus.

I wouldn’t necessarily pull him out seeing as he could have caught it anywhere maybe an open discussion with the childminder about it before you make an rash decisions?

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 12/02/2021 10:09

Unless you and your DH have had blood tests to confirm that you are not carriers of the herpes simplex virus you can't be sure the the childminder is the source.

MyLittleOrangutan · 12/02/2021 10:09

People are so blazé about cold sores but I agree with you. I'd be fuming if someone gave my child them, especially a childminder.

DayBath · 12/02/2021 10:10

@MadameButterface

he's probably had a swig of one of the other dcs' drinks, it happens. you seem pretty certain that it was the cm herself though, on little evidence, and you've also decided that she must have poor hygiene. you may wish to do some work on your own prejudice about certain conditions meaning people are dirty, have poor hygiene etc, since other ppl will be looking at your ds and thinking the same about him when he grows up.

my eldest gets coldsores, no one else in the family does, I have no idea why or where he got his first one, probably from being a grim toddler who shoved stuff in his mouth, as they do.

A very good point, unless OP expects the childminders to provide one on one care there will always be a sneaky opportunity for the child to grab the wrong bottle in a split second. Happens quite often.

And you're absolutely right the OPs prejudice is coming out, she needs to have a serious think about not passing those views on to her child.

Bibidy · 12/02/2021 10:10

I don't get these comments re hygiene. Cold sores aren't even a matter of hygiene are they?

My partner suffers from them and he is very clean and hygienic!

mam0918 · 12/02/2021 10:11

Its not just a 'virus' or 'an unsightly sore' its litrally an incurable lifelong contagous illness that can be fatal to young children... I would be beyond furious.

if it was another condition similar like Hepatitis etc... no one here would be saying its acceptible.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 12/02/2021 10:11

I'm quite surprised by the posts on this thread.

I would be furious too (provided that CM definitely did have active herpes and your son now definitely has). Far too much of a coincidence that it has been dormant in him until now if so.

It was suspected that I had passed the herpes virus onto my son giving birth (I hadn't as didn't have it) and I felt horrendous while waiting for the results.

There must be an awful lot of people with cold sores on this thread who are feeling defensive because i certainly wouldn't want my son to get them.

CantBeAssed · 12/02/2021 10:12

I thought if you took a cold sore you already carried the virus for themConfused
You are pressuming the cm has gven your child a coldsore and yes, it is possible but i take coldsores now and again and find anything can trigger them..ie drinking from a tin or certain lip balms...

mam0918 · 12/02/2021 10:13

@Bibidy

I don't get these comments re hygiene. Cold sores aren't even a matter of hygiene are they?

My partner suffers from them and he is very clean and hygienic!

of course they are, they spread through touch... either they are kissing this kid with a sore or more likely (because kissing other people kids on the lips would be a whole other issue) they have bad hygene where they are touching the sore then not washing their hands and spreding it round.
dottiedodah · 12/02/2021 10:15

Any group setting for babies and young children ,will carry risks of germs being passed on sadly.As an ex Nursery School Teacher our Nursery School was regularly deep cleaned ,and had very high hygiene standards. Still had outbreaks of Dand V, Colds and son on.Surely your CM would not have been passed for opening , if she didnt reach certain standards .Even if your child was kept at home with you until School started they would quite possibly have picked this up in Reception class ,or even at a playground or soft play centre .Not nice but no biggie ,will clear up easily enough in a few days anyway

HoppingPavlova · 12/02/2021 10:16

I think you have lost the plot tbh. I have seen more people due to vehicular incidents than I have due to complications of cold sores yet I gather you are happy to put your child in a car and drive them around.

Not saying it doesn’t/can’t happen but there would be (literally) a thousand things you would do each day with your child that would have a greater risk than severe complications from herpes simplex so in the nicest possible way get a grip. Haven’t said that I gather they are not a newborn but are a toddler or older?

I wonder what you will do when they go to school. Kids in the younger years at school are just as gross as toddlers, if one of the classmates has a cold sore there’s a fair chance of your child getting this. Are you going to withdraw your child from school? Until what age?

CantBeAssed · 12/02/2021 10:17

As above poster has mentioned you can get them through kissing, i think this would be my concern as to wheather cm had been kissing my child on lips...Hmm

Lochroy · 12/02/2021 10:17

@firesidetartan

Just when you think Mumsnet is running out Grin
Smile
Bonnieonthelam · 12/02/2021 10:17

@JADS

Yabu. A cold sore is a reactivation of the virus so he has already had the virus before he went to the CM probably picked up from one of you. The initial infection may be one you didn't notice or it might have been mistaken for teething (red gums, high temp, sore mouth)

Pay the CM.

Wrong.
SeasonFinale · 12/02/2021 10:17

winner of this weeks bonkers thread award and that is saying something

TheMoth · 12/02/2021 10:19

I'd be a bit gutted. Neither dh nor I have ever had one, so I'd be sad for the kids. I have friends who have them and a flare up is a right pita. Yes, I know they are easy to catch and when the dc are off kissing whoever, it's their lookout. But as a toddler I'd be unhappy. Wouldn't do anything about it though. Just have a moan.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 12/02/2021 10:19

Does seem a slight overreaction OP...

HoppingPavlova · 12/02/2021 10:19

There must be an awful lot of people with cold sores on this thread who are feeling defensive because i certainly wouldn't want my son to get them.

I’m past middle age and have never had one so not defensive. I do know the risk of complications is far less than most activities in general life though so unless you want to keep your child locked in a cupboard .......