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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
Whattodo1610 · 12/02/2021 09:34

Oh my goodness OP get a grip!!

Firstly, get your story straight ... you’ve gone from Childminder has a cold sore to her kids have a cold sore to she has what looks like a cold sore!

Secondly, you don’t actually KNOW if any of these are cold sores. You assume.

Seriously, get a grip ... people get run over by cars but we still choose to cross roads. Viruses are airborne but we still go out. People can hurt each other physically or emotionally but we still interact. We can break bones falling on the snow/ice but we still go out and play in it.

Heaven knows what you’re going to do when headlice, worms, chicken pox goes around school 🙄😂

rosesinmygarden · 12/02/2021 09:34

I can understand why you feel upset but I also think you are being a little unrealistic.

Unless you plan to never let your child have contact with anyone else, they will be exposed to things like this and it's not generally accepted that cold sore are a notifiable disease or that you should isolate if you have them.

The only way around it is to hire a nanny who looks after your child and only your child and to never send them to school, playgroup, swimming lessons etc etc. Even then there would be no guarantee of them never picking up a virus or bug.

DayBath · 12/02/2021 09:35

I think the childminder will be relieved when you take your child out of their care. It must be mentally exhausting having such a fussy parent to cater to.

For all the idiots in this thread saying the childminders hygiene must be crap, try and read and understand these two points because you're clearly not getting it.

  1. You are contagious before you show any signs or marks
  2. Children reach out to touch faces all the time

Cold sores are not possible to remove from a modern childcare setting unless you want to put each child in a plastic hamster wheel to stop them interacting in any way with their peers. And if you feel that way then remove your child from the setting and seek mental health care for your anxiety.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 12/02/2021 09:36

YANBU to not want your child to go to the childminder if she has a cold sore, especially if you’re willing to pay her. I can understand why you’d rather he didn’t catch the virus. I’m assuming that he’s not been back since Monday as you saw her on Monday? If he has then obviously you are being unreasonable!

YABU (in my opinion) to expect the childminder to tell you that she’s suffering from a cold sore in advance, especially as they can be infectious before they’re noticeable. She’d basically have to tell you that it was a possibility when you first started with her? I can’t imagine that is a standard policy for childminders? It’s not like a vomiting bug or chicken pox, where you’re contagious for a period of time and then it’s over.

tinatsarina · 12/02/2021 09:36

I would take him out. the cold sore virus can be spread through using the same utensils etc not just touching skin to skin. her hygiene is clearly lacking. I wouldn't want my kids catching a virus they'll have for the rest of their life because of someone else's lesser standards.

strawberrypip · 12/02/2021 09:36

I think the people who are jumping on this, and giving the OP a bit of a mouthful are a bit unfair.

No one wants to see their kid suffer do they. They are horrible looking, I would hate it if my children got it. However, I also understand that I can't protect my kids from everything as much as I wish I could.

But I get it OP. I would be pissed off too.

glitterelf · 12/02/2021 09:36

Chances are that if the childminder has got a cold sore that she's picked it up off one of the little darlings she's caring for.
However you don't don't know for sure that she does have one as someone else has said it could just be a spot.

Out of interest what other things would you want to be notified of ? Piles, dandruff, fungal nail infection ? What if another parent of one of the other children has one would you also keep your child at home ?

Having a cold sore does not stop her from providing care. As for the hygiene suggestions I bet she's increased her cleaning during the pandemic as per the advice and will have removed some resources. Let's not forget your child is of an age where they just love to put things in their mouths as do other children too and it's nigh on impossible to clean every item between children.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 12/02/2021 09:36

Our CM used to have coldsores often, and it never once occurred to me to do anything about it Confused

Bibidy · 12/02/2021 09:37

She could have told us her / her kids were suffering from cold sores atm. Then we make an informed decision about whether or not to send him in... pay the bill either way.

I feel like you're being a bit harsh. My DP gets cold sores, usually if he's mega stressed or is getting over a cold, but they do come out quite suddenly so there is every chance the childminder didn't have the cold sore in the morning when you dropped your child off.

It could also have been one of the other children who passed it round to both the childminder and your child without her knowing, if nothing was showing up yet.

nancywhitehead · 12/02/2021 09:37

Well I think it's a bit silly to "blame" the childminder and assume she has poor hygeine, even if that was where your child picked it up.

You can have very, very good hygeine and still pass/ pick up these things. It's no one's "fault". It's just one of the risks of life unless you keep them wrapped up in cotton wool.

If you send them to another person's house there is always going to be a risk. There is a risk as soon as you step out of your door. You can't avoid every little thing.

SharedLife · 12/02/2021 09:38

I'd feel the same way OP. My mum gets cold sores but my brother and I don't because she was very careful and cautious when we were growing up. I'm very happy for her to look after my DC even if she has one because I know she takes it seriously and has great hygiene.

Why wouldn't you be upset that, if it has come from the CM, she has at best passed on a virus that will cause recurring uncomfortable, contagious sores that he has to deal with for the rest of his life and at worse a virus that could cause life changing problems?! Because, in a professional capacity, she's failed to follow good hygiene practices, during a pandemic.

Freddiefox · 12/02/2021 09:38

It’s not a notifiable disease as set down by the health protection agency so she had no duty to tell you.
Take him out by all means.

But I’m curious, what are YOU going to do when he at nursery/school and he has a cold sore? Keep all the other children away from him? Keep him home? Keep him at arms lengths?

nancywhitehead · 12/02/2021 09:39

She could have told us her / her kids were suffering from cold sores atm. Then we make an informed decision about whether or not to send him in... pay the bill either way.

Some people wouldn't think twice about a cold sore. It might not have even occurred to her that you'd choose not to send your child because of this. I wouldn't bat an eyelid about a cold sore.

lemorella · 12/02/2021 09:40

I'd be fuming too OP, it's a life long condition for your dc now. I'd wait it out to see if it actually does develop into a cold sore first.

I'd then definitely raise it with her, and remove dc from her care. Hygiene standards must be quite poor if she's managed to pass it on.

Hettya · 12/02/2021 09:40

I'd be pissed off too op.

Thefaceofboe · 12/02/2021 09:41

It’s only a cold sore.

partyatthepalace · 12/02/2021 09:42

OP, you are obviously v anxious right now - Clive Wearing is an exceptional case. Lots of people are v anxious with lockdown, but you should contact your GP if it's becoming an issue for you.

Your anxiety is colouring your assessment of this situation. Anti-virals should knock it on the head, plus the fact your son could pick this up anywhere, school etc.

I can understand you think the childminder could have been more careful, but equally - perhaps she was being as careful as she could be. Raise it with her if you want, or move your son to somewhere else, but chill out a bit.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 12/02/2021 09:42

To my knowledge (I may be wrong) a cold sore is not an illness that most nurseries have in their policy that children must stay at home if they have it (like v & d or chicken pox etx). I would expect if one child had one in a childcare setting, that most children would be exposed, not because of a lack of hygiene but because small children are inherently gross - you can do all you can to clean everything but you can't stop them slobbering all over each other.

YANBU to be upset but I am not sure most other childcare settings would have done anything differently.

Are you sure it's definitely a cold sore, as with the weather at the moment lots of children are having red sore patches of skin

JustZooming · 12/02/2021 09:42

Don’t be so silly, your son could have picked this up,anywhere including from you even without showing symptoms.

bloodyhairy · 12/02/2021 09:43

Ha ha. You actually can't be serious!

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 12/02/2021 09:43

That's assuming that it was passed from her child not her. I think if she has one right now and he has one, the incubation period doesn't sound right, but not sure

Kazziek · 12/02/2021 09:44

I never really understand what hygiene has to do with the virus causing cold sores, so I don't understand the OP's point about that. Also, does developing one cold sore in childhood really mean you suffer from them for life and suffer brain injuries? This hasn't been my experience! OP seems to be massively over reacting. I realise they aren't fun things to have, but perhaps a sense of proportion might be helpful

Liverprobs · 12/02/2021 09:44

OP - your extreme rare brain damage scenario is a ridiculous thing to be worried about - as a pp said, too much knowledge can be damaging. Maybe you need help to put things in perspective.

My dd caught glandular fever which attacked her liver and almost ended up needing a transplant .... a rare complication ... who should I blame for her catching glandular fever? Should I have never let her out the house if I’d known about this complication?? 🙄🙄🙄

Please get some help OP. We are all exposed to viruses every day. We still need to live our lives.

morninglive · 12/02/2021 09:45

But another child could have had a cold sore and passed it on to the CM and DS ?

crazymare20 · 12/02/2021 09:46

Are you planning on home schooling your child because there is every chance he would be exposed to these virus and much more in school and you won’t be able to remove him from school all the time.