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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
BoyTree · 12/02/2021 09:46

I understand OP - it's upsetting to think that your child has contracted a condition that may cause him discomfort for life. I am not sure what other posters are hoping to achieve by being so unkind, but I can see why you are upset. It might be something that other people live with perfectly happily, but it's not something anyone wishes for their child, especially when they are so small. I think you should probably sleep on it and take the weekend to think about it before making any decisions though.

Rachie1973 · 12/02/2021 09:47

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Belladonna12 · 12/02/2021 09:48

I would be annoyed too OP. My mother has cold sores but I and my siblings don't because she was always so careful. You usually get a warning (tingling) when one is coming on so the childminder probably knew before Monday and should have let you know.

starfishmummy · 12/02/2021 09:48

So now your child is a carrier of this dangerous disease what precautions will you take every day forever more to ensure nobody else ever gets it from him?

This!!

CocoMelon21 · 12/02/2021 09:50

I get why you’re upset but I think you’re overreacting a bit. What are you going to do when your DC gets one? They’re infectious for two weeks. Chances are your son will get one every few months now.

LadyMayoGoodway · 12/02/2021 09:54

You are totally not being unreasonable all the adults I know who have them suffer terribly, the people commenting on here clearly have no personal experience of them or know anyone who has.

There’s some absolute dicks on this thread - I’m looking at you @JADS given that the CM has a cold sore and OP and childs DF have never had one I would say the likelihood is yes he may have caught the virus at an earlier date - but probably from the childminder. Also where did she say she’s wasn’t going to pay her - she’s never mentioned money.

wifterwafter · 12/02/2021 09:54

Give up work and look after him yourself then?

JE17 · 12/02/2021 09:55

I would expect the childminder to have been really careful about it and to have mentioned to you that she’s got a coldsores, just like if there were nits or chicken pox in her home (I’m not saying she wasn’t careful as we have no way of knowing). My DH has suffered with coldsores as long as he can remember and really doesn’t want to pass it on to anyone. We’ve been together over 25 years and have 2 DC, none of us have caught it from him. As soon as he feels the tingling of one coming on, he is so careful - no one near his towel/ pillowcase, no sharing drinks etc. Thankfully he doesn’t get them that often because I don’t like getting shooed away when I forget and go for a kiss.

LadyMayoGoodway · 12/02/2021 09:56

@BoyTree the people commenting have never had one and nor do they know anyone who has clearly. This is not a walk in the park and absolutely something you would not wish upon your child.

ChristinaW16 · 12/02/2021 09:56

Harsh replies. I'd be upset too. It isn't something like nits that you can deal with and move on from; this is something he will have for life. As other posters have said, my mum hated having coldsores and did everything she could to prevent us kids from contracting the virus. And she still blames the relative who kissed her as a child! She is SO self-conscious when she gets one.

And to the PP asking if the OP would want to be informed of dandruff or piles, they are not contagious 🤦‍♀️

PussGirl · 12/02/2021 09:56

My childminder had cold sores & she was super careful not to pass them on. Consequently DS didn't ever have one.

Belladonna12 · 12/02/2021 09:56

@LadyMayoGoodway

You are totally not being unreasonable all the adults I know who have them suffer terribly, the people commenting on here clearly have no personal experience of them or know anyone who has.

There’s some absolute dicks on this thread - I’m looking at you @JADS given that the CM has a cold sore and OP and childs DF have never had one I would say the likelihood is yes he may have caught the virus at an earlier date - but probably from the childminder. Also where did she say she’s wasn’t going to pay her - she’s never mentioned money.

I agree. The posters being dicks either have no experience of cold sores or they do and take no care not to infect other people.
Thefaceofboe · 12/02/2021 09:56

now your child is a carrier of this dangerous disease what precautions will you take every day forever more to ensure nobody else ever gets it from him?

Interested in this too!

LadyMayoGoodway · 12/02/2021 09:57

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Kdubs1981 · 12/02/2021 09:57

HSV1 (oral herpes) is present in 90% of the population. So he very careful before you decide it's your child minder. It could be you. He could have had it ages.

Also if you have studied Clive you will know that herpes simplex encephalitis is extremely rare and that his level of anterograde and retrograde amnesia resulting from contracting is also not common. He was very unlucky indeed.

So 90% of the population are "at risk" of herpes simplex encephalitis, but you are several thousand times more likely to be severely injured or killed in a car accident. Do you allow your child in the car? Just to try and get the relative risks into perspective and reduce your anxiety.

Also, he may not have another. 90% of the population have the virus, many in dormant state so do not get cold sores.

Catchingfire123 · 12/02/2021 09:57

I’m 100% with you. The virus will stay with him forever if he has caught it. It’s nasty, my mother has it and has never passed it onto any of her children or grandchildren. I would be pretty annoyed if she did.

I would wait and see if it definitely develops as I thought my child had a cold sore once but it ended up being a mark / dry skin from licking 😂

A cold sore is not the same as chicken pox or any other childhood illness. They are one off that people recover from. Having HSV1 stays with people for life and is reoccurring.

VapeVamp12 · 12/02/2021 09:58

I totally get why you're upset. I suffer with cold sores and I feel so self conscious when I have one. They're so sore and feel like they're massive because they're on your lips.

I have no idea where I got them from but I was pretty young when I got my first one. Now I have a son I dread getting them because I kiss his little face all the time!

cheeseismydownfall · 12/02/2021 09:58

I'm with you on this OP, I would be unhappy. I think the childminder should have informed you immediately when she knew she was developing symptoms and given you the choice about what you wanted to do.

My mum has cold sores and was scrupulous about hygiene when she was symptomatic when we were children, and again when she looked after grandchildren, and has not passed it on to any of us. So it is possible if you are careful.

ladyvimes · 12/02/2021 09:58

It might not have come from her, could have come from another child or family member! Just because she has cold sores doesn’t mean she’s passing them on to all and sundry. My mum had had them her whole life and none of her children or grandchildren have ever caught them and she is a very huggy person!

ToastandJamandTea · 12/02/2021 09:59

You don't even know that the cm has a coldsore Hmm. I am a cm and currently have hand, foot and mouth disease that I caught from one of my mindee's. It looks awful and I have felt quite poorly.
My hygiene is very good but especially vat the moment it's exceptional due to the covid. Sadly most viruses are contagious before any symptoms are visible.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 12/02/2021 09:59

I completely understand how you feel. Those saying they are 'just a cold sore' probably have never had one!
I have them (not often - maybe once every year or two) and I HATE them. Painful and horrible looking. Mine always take two weeks to clear up too.

I was a childminder for 15yrs and to my knowledge never gave them to any of the children I looked after (not one child had one when I was looking after them) and none of my own three children have them. I am always so very careful when I have one.

I get that many people carry the virus and don't actually get a cold sore.

I would be concerned about her hygiene regarding this. Although is the timeline correct? If she has one I would expect your son to come out with his within three weeks and not necessarily a day or two, longer than that?

Belladonna12 · 12/02/2021 09:59

@starfishmummy

So now your child is a carrier of this dangerous disease what precautions will you take every day forever more to ensure nobody else ever gets it from him?

This!!

She will probably do what she can to teach him how not to spread it. It will be much more difficult to stop child infecting other children than it is for an adult not to infect other children though which gives her more reason to be annoyed not less.
glitterelf · 12/02/2021 10:00

@LadyMayoGoodway You are aware that you can be a carrier and display no symptoms and pass on the cold sore virus ? Just because neither parent has had a cold does not mean they do not carry the virus nor does it mean they are not capable of passing it on.
We don't even know that it is a cold sore the Op is jumping to conclusions as are a lot of people on this thread banging on about hygiene.

Greendoonan · 12/02/2021 10:02

YANBU. She’s infected your child with herpes. People have been convicted of GBH for knowingly infecting someone with genital herpes. I don’t see how this is any different.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2021 10:03

It's annoying but it's just one of these things. I don't agree that her hygiene must bbe d poor. It's a bit pointless taking your child out now after he's caught the virus.

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