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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What to say to the childminder

468 replies

Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 08:43

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

OP posts:
Coffeehunter · 12/02/2021 09:10

Have you posted this before?

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 09:11

Coffeehunter no... why?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 12/02/2021 09:11

I'd feel.the same as you op. We dont have cold sores and I'd be upset if my children caught it from the childminder. Her hygiene cannot be great, for that to happen. However you child has now caught it and has it. So he/she may as well stay with that childminder.

AStudyinPink · 12/02/2021 09:12

She could have told us her / her kids were suffering from cold sores atm. Then we make an informed decision about whether or not to send him in... pay the bill either way.

I do get that. And I would be upset as well. But I think that would have been in the policy, wouldn’t it? I’m not sure she can be expected to know without more discussion (probably initiated by you) that this would be your expectation.

HikeForward · 12/02/2021 09:14

He could have caught it from anywhere! The virus can lie dormant in the nerve endings for years after exposure.

Childminder may not have even had a cold sore she may have a spot or something! Or another child in her care could have given the virus to other kids and her.

Cold sores can be infectious before they’re visible, unless every child has their own hand towel and uses only theirs, it could have been transmitted by sharing a damp towel before she even had symptoms.

purplebagladylovesgin · 12/02/2021 09:18

2 in every 3 adults has this virus even if they don't have symptoms. It's highly contagious and the majority of adults apparently get it at preschool. I'm not sure how they know this, but most things get spread among very young children and babies.

The virus can lay dormant for many decades until it's triggered. Most people say they don't have it when they do but don't know.

Your chances of your child minder or any other child minder not having this virus is only 33%,

It's one of the things we live with without realising.
It's not that she hasn't taken precautions, it's that it's almost impossible to protect against if another child has a coldsore and most people don't realise how contagious it is.

Yes I would still be upset, but I wouldn't be blaming anyone.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 09:18

@HikeForward

He could have caught it from anywhere! The virus can lie dormant in the nerve endings for years after exposure.

Childminder may not have even had a cold sore she may have a spot or something! Or another child in her care could have given the virus to other kids and her.

Cold sores can be infectious before they’re visible, unless every child has their own hand towel and uses only theirs, it could have been transmitted by sharing a damp towel before she even had symptoms.

Our previous childminder would always use separate towels. Just a coincidence that she had what looks like a cold sore, now he does. And because of lockdown not really been anywhere else to catch it from.
OP posts:
Whichnamepls · 12/02/2021 09:18

I would be upset too OP.

MamaPip · 12/02/2021 09:19

I have just had my child in hospital last month due to herpes simplex the cold sore virus . She was actually quiet sick and in a lot of pain. Unfortunately while they are under two their bodies can have a bad reaction to it. Our child had them spread it was a horrible time . Myself and my three year old never had one but apparently we carry the virus as my husband does get them and had one the week previous . He has always been super cautious when he gets them as he knows it can be passed especially when they are so young.
It was pretty devastating to see our child sick from it knowing it was from our own house as we hadn’t been anywhere else .
I would of choose not to send my child to a child minder if they had of let me know they had one at the time .

Morgan12 · 12/02/2021 09:19

I don't think you are being dramatic OP.

My DS has coldsores which he caught from me. I'm always very cautious when he has a flare up and keep him off his classes etc so as not to infect other kids.

My DS gets them very badly and it's hard to see tbh. So yeah, I'd be very annoyed if I were you.

PatchworkElmer · 12/02/2021 09:22

I’d feel the same as you- I’d want to be given the choice to drop DS off there or not. That said, I guess you could’ve asked when you dropped him off and saw it?

Sally872 · 12/02/2021 09:22

So now your child is a carrier of this dangerous disease what precautions will you take every day forever more to ensure nobody else ever gets it from him?

It's a cold sore. It's annoying but not the end of the world. Certainly doesn't indicate poor hygiene by childminder or that she did anything wrong. Most people would not expect to be notified every time childminder has minor ailment and would think childminder was trying to get out of work.

Nith · 12/02/2021 09:24

How sure are you that he couldn't have caught this somewhere else, given that it could have happened at any time since he was born and he has an older sibling who has presumably been at nursery and/or school?

ofwarren · 12/02/2021 09:24

Morgan12 you keep your child off classes when he has a cold sore? Confused

OP, if you are that bothered about your child picking up a virus, then why are you sending him to a childminder in the middle of a pandemic?

Soboredofcorona · 12/02/2021 09:25

I imagine the people getting cross on this thread have them........

I would be annoyed too........

my mother has them and was scrupulously careful growing up to ensure we didn’t catch them from her.

They are unsightly and unpleasant. It’s not the same as catching chicken pox at all.

Dogsarehairy · 12/02/2021 09:26

Have you both had testing to show that you dont carry the virus? (bet you do)

Moondust001 · 12/02/2021 09:26

If you seriously think that your child is seriously at risk from every possible rare outcome of anything then you need to move to a desert island (be careful on the boat because they can sink).

Get a grip - if you continue to act like this then your child will never do anything or go anywhere. If you think this is "scary" then wait until tey get to nursery / school - they will have every bump, scrape, bacteria dn virus under the sun. I suggest you cancel google now, or you will be in a state of fear for the rest of your life.

C0nn1e · 12/02/2021 09:27

@Hyggeremama
I totally understand, I have had cold sores since I was 6 years old. If I get a flare up it's hell. My lips swell up, the cold sore is weepy, I have to use a straw to drink from. Everyone reacts differently, so everyone saying it's just a cold sore or they never bother me well good for you but some of us really suffer. Antihistamine reduces the swelling and a combination of blistex and lipivir works for me. It's a question of finding the right treatment and keeping on top of it. I hope your little boy is ok.

Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 09:28

@MamaPip so sorry you've been through all that. It sounds like an awful time. Wish there more awareness around how serious it can be x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyggemama · 12/02/2021 09:29

@PatchworkElmer

I’d feel the same as you- I’d want to be given the choice to drop DS off there or not. That said, I guess you could’ve asked when you dropped him off and saw it?
I only noticed when collecting. I wasn't paying attention I guess.
OP posts:
snowydaysandholidays · 12/02/2021 09:29

I feel so sorry for your childminder. Poor woman.

SharedLife · 12/02/2021 09:30

[quote ChancesWhatChances]@Hyggemama when you say studied you mean read about love. And if you’re that scared your child is going to be the one in a trillion to develop the same condition as Clive Wearing you’re gonna want to see a doctor for excessive issues with health anxiety Biscuit[/quote]
So aggressive, love. Hmm

sofacomfort · 12/02/2021 09:30

I understand where you are coming from, but wanted to add it can incubate for years so may not be from your childminder may be from a relative kissing a year ago etc, my son got his first at 7 and I'm sure it was from a relative who suffers kissing him as a baby. Also we can all carry the virus so it could be anyone it's just some people come out in the sore.

Alexandernevermind · 12/02/2021 09:31

No... I mean studied as part of my university course.
One of those situations where a little knowledge is damaging - to your mental health at least.
Please dont stigmatise cold sore sufferers by saying the initial virus was caught by poor hygiene. It's more likely that close contact with one of the other children would have caused him to pick it up, rather than lack of hygiene on the part of the child minder. This could happen in any preschool / nursery setting.
Your child was possibly already carrying the virus.
It might not even be a cold sore?
Did you not notice her's at hand over? If not it could have developed during the day, in which case she couldn't have forewarned you.

Kylee300 · 12/02/2021 09:33

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