What to say to the childminder

[Hyggemama]

I just don't know what to do... myself partner and DS1 have never ever ever suffered from a cold sore. My DS2 has been going to a childminder for a few months though. When I collected him on Monday I noticed the childminder had a cold sore. Now he has what looks like a cold sore forming on his top lip. I am so upset. He will have this recurring for life and it must only be from her or her kids because lockdown means this is the only other family he has seen. I feel like taking him out of her care because the hygiene is clearly not good enough and she should have let us know so we made a choice to expose him or not. We would have still paid the bill. AIBU to say he won't be going back there?

I find this extremely unreasonable.

When you choose to send your child to a childminder or nursery, you accept some risks...these range from catching a cold, to all manners of other health issues. It’s the reality of mixing with other people. If you can’t cope with this, you cannot really use childcare because no carer can guarantee what conditions they have or don’t have or that they will or won’t be passed on.

And you noticed her cold sore. If that was a real concern to you, it was up to you then to remove your child and not up to her or necessarily possible for her to prevent transmission, even if she was very careful.

I think the level of worry about the child have a cold sore is excessive and disproportionate. Are you a very anxious person Op. Is this really about you feeling responsible?

I don’t think anyone is ‘to blame’ for your child having a cold sore. Clearly with most conditions it has been transmitted in some way, but that’s life and if we have contact with others there’s a risk. If anyone needs to take responsibility (and I do t think they do) it is you, as you spotted the cold sore, which you clearly have a thing about, and continued to send him. If you had a serious concern you should have a) spoken to the childminder about it and your worries and asked her to be extra vigilant (still can’t guarantee it won’t be passed on) or b. Chosen not to send him. But you did neither.

Speaking to her about it now is really too late. The horse has bolted and it won’t achieve anything except bad feeling. If you want to leave anyway, give the necessary notice and move on, but get some perspective on this and the issue of blame.

It’s just one of those unfortunate things that happens frequently when children go to nursery or childminders, or to school...which they all do eventually.

Oh my!
There are no words.

It's up to you.
If you can find another child minder give notice.are you going to ask new child minder if she has coldsores?

I get cold sores periodically. It hasn't had much of an impact on my life. Don't be so dramatic.

So aggressive, love

But not wrong. You can't go through live thinking your child will be that one in a million case. For the vast majority of people cold sores are nothing more than an irritant. Accusing your childminder of being unhygienic or somehow less capable at her job is not only wrong, it is offensive.

OP, probably best just look after your own child if this is your reaction to this minor issue.

@CantBeAssed Massive leap there or did you miss the several posts that have said it could be passed on via sharing or toys, sippy cups and utensils? Not to forget that people can still spread the virus without having a cold sore.
Also if the childminder does in fact have a cold sore that only appeared on Monday it's highly unlikely that the Op's child has one a few days later as if it's his first one it would appear around the 20 days later mark not 3/4 days later.

@CantBeAssed

As above poster has mentioned you can get them through kissing, i think this would be my concern as to wheather cm had been kissing my child on lips...

Oh, Lord...

For life? I was covered in big cold sores every year as a child and i've not had a single one in over 30 years as an adult.

Are you serious? What about when he goes to nursery/school? He could catch one then (amongst other things).

Get a grip.

I wouldn't be happy about it but cold sores aren't serious in the majority of cases.

Also, please-- having a cold sore is nothing to do with bad hygiene. That is an inaccurate thing to suggest.

It's likely you and/or your husband or any other adult he has met and had a kiss from, is a carrier. The majority of adults carry herpes simplex but not everyone gets a manifestation. So it isn't possible to say he got it from your childminder.

GBH and kissing children on the lips. This is ridiculous.
As a cm I am doing everything I can to avoid being sneezed and coughed on at the moment. The last thing a cm would be doing is kidding a child on the lips during a bloody pandemic.
Unless if course you are implying there are safeguarding concerns due to inapropiate contact?

@Bibidy

I don't get these comments re hygiene. Cold sores aren't even a matter of hygiene are they?

My partner suffers from them and he is very clean and hygienic!

I don’t think the implication is that if you have cold sores then you are unhygienic. It is caused by a virus, you can’t help having them!

I think it’s more that people are suggesting the childminder’s hygiene levels are low if she is passing them on. That perhaps she is not washing things (hands, towels, utensils) often enough, or not making enough of an attempt to stop the children touching her face. I don’t know how much truth there is in it, but that’s what I assumed!

@LadyMayoGoodway seriously? I don't think you need to comment really, that's for the OP. But there has to be an acceptance that when ones children are looked after or go elsewhere there's always an element of risk.

Speaking as a retired child carer I have no doubt that the poor childminder has done everything she can not to spread the virus.

I don't think you are BU OP. My mum suffers with cold sores. She was always so careful when she had one. None of us in the house (my dad, brother and I) ever caught one from her. It is preventable. I would be cross too.

@JADS

Yabu. A cold sore is a reactivation of the virus so he has already had the virus before he went to the CM probably picked up from one of you. The initial infection may be one you didn't notice or it might have been mistaken for teething (red gums, high temp, sore mouth)

Pay the CM.

This!! The first time you get the virus it's actually quite bad for kids. So no he didn't get it from the CM and OP sounds a bit crazy.

OP you're not overreacting. I'm terrified of herpes and would be distraught if one of my children caught it from someone I was paying to keep them safe.
She's clearly not practicing good hygiene for a virus spread by contact to get from her lip to your child's. I'd be looking into taking further action tbh.

@CantBeAssed

As above poster has mentioned you can get them through kissing, i think this would be my concern as to wheather cm had been kissing my child on lips...

@MamaPip

I have just had my child in hospital last month due to herpes simplex the cold sore virus . She was actually quiet sick and in a lot of pain. Unfortunately while they are under two their bodies can have a bad reaction to it. Our child had them spread it was a horrible time . Myself and my three year old never had one but apparently we carry the virus as my husband does get them and had one the week previous . He has always been super cautious when he gets them as he knows it can be passed especially when they are so young. It was pretty devastating to see our child sick from it knowing it was from our own house as we hadn’t been anywhere else . I would of choose not to send my child to a child minder if they had of let me know they had one at the time .

If you have it in the family you must know that you can catch the virus even if you haven't got an outbreak, I think it is even more likely to be honest as when you have an outbreak you, and everyone else, know you are shedding. Shedding without an outbreak isn't apparent to anyone so it is easier to spread.

As above poster has mentioned you can get them through kissing, i think this would be my concern as to wheather cm had been kissing my child on lips...hmm

OR maybe the childminders child. Little kids are gross. They dribble. They drool. They touch themselves then they touch others or others touch stuff they have touched and touch their faces. There’s a reason most things that are contagious rip through this age group (and the elderly in nursing homes who tend to have the same hygiene issues when they regress).

The reality is if someone is going to catch it they will catch it. I have never had it, my mum, dad and all my siblings have and my siblings all from a young age. Half the people I dated and lived with did and I didn’t take any measures, never caught it. Others just have to do much as look at someone and with the slightest burden they will get it. It is what it is. Point being complications (post newborn) are rarer than the risk associated with most other normal everyday activities in life so to make it a hill to die on is very odd.

Why are so many people ignoring the actual science on this thread? Just because your mum had them and you didn’t doesn’t mean it was due to hygiene! It is highly likely you are now just one of these people who carries the virus but just doesn’t develop cold sores. I used to suffer really badly with cold sores though rarely get them now. I developed them as a teenager and no one else in my family ever got them. Neither my husband or kids get them. They are lucky! Yes I am careful to avoid sharing cups etc when I have one but there were several times my kids grabbed at my face as babies when I had one. It is very likely they have been exposed.
Also you get properly ill the first time you get the virus. If he just has a cold sore and no other symptoms that suggests this isn’t his first exposure anyway.

I’m with you OP. I’d be extremely upset about it. You will come to terms with it in time because you have to but I think it’s totally understandable that you feel the way you do. No idea why all the rude comments above. Would people really not care if this happened in their family? Strange. And the ones telling you he hasn’t caught it from the childminder are being silly.

you don’t even know the cm has a cold sore

They look pretty distinctive. She has what looks like one and now OPs DC has what looks like one. In all likelihood they both now have them.

In theory OPs DC could have caught it elsewhere. In all likelihood we are in a lockdown where contact with others is restricted so he is more likely to have caught it from the person who he is in regular close contact with who just happens to currently have a cold sore.

What else is the CM likely to have that could be mistaken for a coldsore? Well, there’s the start of impetigo, hand foot and mouth and, er well that’s about it.

YANBU. The CM should be taking every precaution to not pass this on.

@Cissyandflora

I’m with you OP. I’d be extremely upset about it. You will come to terms with it in time because you have to but I think it’s totally understandable that you feel the way you do. No idea why all the rude comments above. Would people really not care if this happened in their family? Strange. And the ones telling you he hasn’t caught it from the childminder are being silly.

No it's not silly. Chances are the OP and the child's father have the virus and have passed it on, as has been pointed out several times already.

@Purplewithred

I'd be upset too. If my family and I didn't get cold sores I'd be very upset if one of us suddenly picked them up.

Unfortunately these infections will get passed round by small children hanging out together - nits, impetigo, even scabies, all part of life's rich tapestry.

Scabies and impetigo aren't lifelong

@Fromthegekko There are many things like
hand, foot and mouth,
Impetigo,
Angular Cheilitis,
Eczema
Dermatitis
These can all be mistaken for cold sores.