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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnieSaxophone · 13/02/2021 18:45

Is your DH hoping you'll bear the brunt of entertaining / spending time having 'lovely chats' with his mum so he doesn't need to.
FWIW my DH (who saw his mum 2-3 time a year) insisted on us having his DM to stay for a few days when our first child was born. I was semi-diplomatic and said it wasn't my preference, but ok ... but in no circumstances was she to be there when we cam home from the hospital as I wanted it to be just us for that moment. He agreed. He later admitted it was a bitter mistake to have her to stay at that time - in fact he never ever enjoys her visits - he'd bugger off to work and I'd be left with her and a new baby, and cooking for us all. It was a nightmare.

Silverstar20 · 13/02/2021 19:11

No! Never ever!

Thewordgame · 13/02/2021 19:14

No, no and no again. I have been there and done it and it was a living nightmare of the worst kind.

nannybeach · 13/02/2021 19:15

No way, similar scene with me, (except MIL walked out on DH and siblings,of primary school age, went off with another man, no contact for 20 years, zero relationship) Man she went off with died, we lived in a tiny Edwardian cottage,1 DD still at home, quite young, steep stairs, tiny lounge/kitchen eating on laps. 2 siblings have spare room NO DKs at all, they never offered, She was a bully, DH said we would have to let her move in.No0one ever said no to her, Nope, never happened, and he get fed up with her bullying etc, not spoken to any of them for 12 years.

Gilly12345 · 13/02/2021 19:16

No no and no again, you would be mad to let her move in.

She is in a mess financially and that is not your problem, never mix family/friends and money, it is a recipe for disaster.

deste · 13/02/2021 21:10

Just tell him and keep repeating every time he mentions it if she moves in, you move out. He’ll soon get the message.

Boobuddyboo · 13/02/2021 21:21

No no no! I now have my MIL staying with us and I can’t stand her and my boys can’t stand her! I did used to get on really well with her and would do anything for her but now I can barely look at her! It’s is causing stress on my relationship and I feel like just walking away. I can’t talk to my OH because he gets defensive and feels like he is stuck in the middle so better to keep my mouth shut. I’ve changed so much in the last 3 years since she has been with us, I am so very unhappy now. I won’t say a bad word to her out of respect because that’s the way I was brought up and the one time I did stick up for myself my OH told me to go with the boys and not come back. I hope you get round to reading this and think very very hard before saying yes.

Lovely13 · 13/02/2021 21:23

If you have the space and funds to build an annexe for her, then maybe. Independent living. But in a small house, you will all be deeply unhappy.

Lollypop4 · 13/02/2021 21:24

100% Dont do it.

Venusinfurcoat · 13/02/2021 21:30

A very easy No from me. Let these adult people, ie MIL and SIL sort themselves out themselves - you and DH need to stay out of it.

billy1966 · 13/02/2021 21:31

@Boobuddyboo

No no no! I now have my MIL staying with us and I can’t stand her and my boys can’t stand her! I did used to get on really well with her and would do anything for her but now I can barely look at her! It’s is causing stress on my relationship and I feel like just walking away. I can’t talk to my OH because he gets defensive and feels like he is stuck in the middle so better to keep my mouth shut. I’ve changed so much in the last 3 years since she has been with us, I am so very unhappy now. I won’t say a bad word to her out of respect because that’s the way I was brought up and the one time I did stick up for myself my OH told me to go with the boys and not come back. I hope you get round to reading this and think very very hard before saying yes.
How awful.

I hope you are organising yourself.

Divorce, sell your home.
Leave your husband to live with his mother.
Horrible man to do this to his wife.
Flowers

NovemberR · 13/02/2021 21:32

I'd be saying calmly, This is not ever going to happen, and is not even up for discussion. I would leave you.

And then I'd change the subject.

I'd not be prepared to talk about it. That's my line in the sand.

numberoneson · 13/02/2021 21:37

I'm so sorry you have this awful worry. I'm with all the previous posters who have said NO, and walk out with the baby if he insists. It would never, ever work - and she sounds awful, to be honest - you'd end up being furious and bitter both with her and your man. I know it's not easy going it alone with a baby, but thousands of women manage, and that would be better than staying in a marriage filled with resentment. I'll be saying a prayer that he listens to you and does not in fact invite his mother to live with you. As to her problems with your SIL, she can take advice/sue her daughter/whatever she wants. She's an adult, she made a foolish decision in sharing a mortgage, it's up to her to sort herself out. There's plenty of free advice out there from the likes of CAB, or she could bite the bullet and work more hours to afford a lawyer. Good Luck.

Hugoslavia · 13/02/2021 21:49

If she's depressed and lives relatively close by, then I would have her over for a night or so, or meet up more. I would also sit down with her and your husband and suggest a few solutions:

1/down sizing

2/ renting out a room

3/ removing sil from the mortgage if allowable and she's not contributing.

4/ suggest that your bil moves in with her or vice versa as a temporary measure.

She might not want to move in with you either, with a noisy baby and if it means having to sell off her possessions.

I would sit down with her and ask her for her ideas on what she could do to help solve the situation.

Commonwasher · 13/02/2021 22:09

As others have said, it sounds a very bad idea. Is he offering out of guilt or something?

It would be more sensible for her to sell the property, disassociate from the SIL and buy something smaller she can pay the mortgage for. It would be better if your and DH’s energy went into this solution than the crackpot suggestion of moving her in with you.

I would just flat ‘no’ any suggestion— don’t countenance it in case any attempt to appear reasonable or compromise might be seen as you being on board. Just absolutely refuse to entertain the idea say it’s madness and don’t discuss it and make it clear it’s not happening — then DH knows the lie of the land.

AnnieSaxophone · 13/02/2021 22:21

@Boobuddyboo oh sweetheart - any man who puts his mother before his wife and kids needs a boot up the arse.

"... the one time I did stick up for myself my OH told me to go with the boys and not come back." this is a massive red flag. I would totally take the boys and not go back.

He is controlling you - take you and your gorgeous boys to live a life where you can be you. You won't look back xxx

Sidewalksue · 13/02/2021 22:50

I think a lot of men want to be the hero for their mums.
They just don’t want to do the actual work involved.

blubberyboo · 13/02/2021 23:00

As far as I can tell from Op post this is just an idea Dh has floated. Nothing has been said about whether MIL would even want this. Chances are she’s more happier in her own home anyway.

I feel you should explore possibilities of having SIL removed from the mortgage and deeds and replaced with the other siblings . Or MIL selling and getting equity out to downsize or simply renting

AnnieSaxophone · 13/02/2021 23:10

I think a lot of men want to be the hero for their mums.
They just don’t want to do the actual work involved.

Yes. This. I WFH and my MIL lives abroad. Her flight would land at 11am and I'd be expected to entertain her for the day. DH's work days would carry on as normal. Absolutely infuriating. When I said I wouldn't be home at that time as I needed to work so I'd work remotely - I was told "can't you even be at home just to let her in? It's only a small thing to ask".
er ... ffs NO! You can come home and be here to let her in. She's your mother!

Yummymummy2020 · 13/02/2021 23:15

I’d say no way. It’s hard enough with a baby without throwing an overbearing person into the works. I speak from experience as I learned the hard way!!! She isn’t helping herself either, which would seal the deal for me. Not your circus!!!!!

MumW · 13/02/2021 23:19

I'd have both DM and MIL stay on a temporary basis if they were convalescing provided DH agreed but there is no way I'd agree to either moving in permanently.

AnnieSaxophone · 13/02/2021 23:27

Charity starts at home.

FamilyOfAliens · 13/02/2021 23:59

@AnnieSaxophone

Charity starts at home.
You have her then.
BackforGood · 14/02/2021 00:18

@InFiveMins

I voted YABU. His mother clearly needs some help and I'd be happy to do what I can to help family.
But her moving in, wouldn't help. It wouldn't resolve the actual issue, which is that his sister and mother have had some sort of breakdown of the relationship and his sister isn't paying the mortgage. If he wants to help in this case, he (and his brother) need to support their Mum to stand up to her daughter and resolve whatever the legal and financial ramifications of defaulting on the mortgage are, not helping his mother to put her head in the sand and run away from the issue.

Plus, of course, putting a strain on his own relationship and family isn't going to help anything anyway.

BackforGood · 14/02/2021 00:19

@AnnieSaxophone

Charity starts at home.
But why does a working woman who owns her home, need 'charity' ? Confused
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