To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

[IHTC]

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

• For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
• She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
• We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
• We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
• What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

No it’s not a good idea. It will end in tears, as they say!

My MIL lived with us for nearly 3 years. I dont know how i didnt do her harm TBH. Despite other family (including her grandsons) living in the same town she rarely left the house and expected us to be her sole means of entertainment. She knew we were planning another child so every bed creak seemed to be met in the morning with a knowing wink (despite her being right at the other end of the house and hard of hearing). It was hard work meeting her high standards of cleanliness (with 3 under 6yrs in the house) and also she refused to eat anything vaguely "forrin" - even pasta - which necessitated 2 different meals to be cooked every night. Ill health forced her hand and she moved out to live with another son (although he whipped her into a nursing home pronto when his wife walked out). She of course had been "volunteered" into doing all MIL personal care, not BIL, as she was female .
I'd also suggest that your DH moves to hers at weekends and see how that goes

No way! Who will end spending the most time from her? Do you both work OOO?

@BashfulClam

I would end up in prison if mil came to live here. She calls out spare room ‘her room’ and I always shudder it is not hers (it’s my office for now)

My ILs have ds1's room when they come and they actually call it their room. They even leave their clothes in his wardrobe. The one good thing about coronavirus is they haven't been here for over a year.

There's no such thing as duty, and if she's brainwashed him with that train of thought it's despicable parenting.
It's your house and you're his wife. You chip in for nothing. Her poor life choices can have a detrimental effect on her life but shouldn't affect yours.
She says yes, you say no. You win.

This would be enough to make me leave, if mil ever moved in. I'm not joking. The day mil moved in would be the day I left.

If he wants to feel like a good son why doesn't he pay for a solicitor, take her there, then make sure she sees through whatever she needs to do to seperate financially from her daughter.

Might be expensive and shouldn't be his responsibility, but better for everyones sanity

Not sure if you are still reading, OP, but in your shoes I would be anticipating the next instalment to be ‘not enough pension to retire on’ and subsequent pleas for money.

Has she got a full state pension record? Any occupational pension? Given her p/t hours is she putting enough / anything into a private pension?

I think that encouraging your DH to see that a proper planned solution is much better for his mum’s ongoing security and well being is better than a series of expensive bail outs that just shift one lot of stress from MIL and SIL to you and DH and your family.

Lawyer, and some supportive financial planning.

My PIL moved in fir a few months whilst their new home was being finished-I nearly finished them off instead! NEVER again!

If he doesn't have much of a relationship with his mum it doesn't make sense. Could you afford to buy her home and rent it out to her at a reduced rate? Or could you help with the mortgage. Can she sell up and rent somewhere smaller, that she can actually afford?

If you were on good terms things may well have been different. In your situation make your feelings clear. Best of luck.

I would just say No TBH straight out .Do not float the idea! With a young baby of your own ,it will be very difficult indeed.

@Cosyjimjamsforautumn

My MIL lived with us for nearly 3 years. I dont know how i didnt do her harm TBH. Despite other family (including her grandsons) living in the same town she rarely left the house and expected us to be her sole means of entertainment. She knew we were planning another child so every bed creak seemed to be met in the morning with a knowing wink (despite her being right at the other end of the house and hard of hearing). It was hard work meeting her high standards of cleanliness (with 3 under 6yrs in the house) and also she refused to eat anything vaguely "forrin" - even pasta - which necessitated 2 different meals to be cooked every night. Ill health forced her hand and she moved out to live with another son (although he whipped her into a nursing home pronto when his wife walked out). She of course had been "volunteered" into doing all MIL personal care, not BIL, as she was female . I'd also suggest that your DH moves to hers at weekends and see how that goes

You poor women.

Sounds like you are married to a right piece of work.

No don't do it. My fil lived with us for a year and it put a huge strain on my marriage at the time. I'd never ever do it again, nor have my own parents here

@DeRigueurMortis

Honestly, in your situation I'd divvy up the 1/2 mortgage payment and just pay it.

Between who?

The 2 brothers in favour of the sister that's defaulting in the payments but still enjoys a share of the property because MiL has taken no action to remove her from the mortgage?

Also do a MIL that's happy doing part time work whilst expecting her sons to subside her (and by default sisters) mortgage payments?

The whole situation is ridiculous.

Quite frankly the "brothers" should just back well off and tell their mother and sister to sort their shit out re: the property.

Also an obvious question is if MIL stays with the OP what happens to the property?

Is it sold? Does SIL move back in?

How does MIL moving in address any of these issues?

I so agree with the above. This is what it's all about, not housing or being close to a vulnerable relative. The mother and her daughters are in the middle of a toxic row about their finances even if it's not admitted to be that, and for the mother to move territory will trigger all sorts of further property and territory disputes which will then take place and be vented about under your own roof where you are trying to cultivate a happy family atmosphere. There is a huge dysfunction going on here and the poster earlier who said suggest that your DH sit round with his mum and siblings to have their own family council about what next, is so right. She must sort out her affairs without taking the row over a new threshold. It would be different if she was really ill and old and needed caring for with none of the other stuff (which is basically family issues about parasitism) going on. But this situation does not require her to be housed. It requires her to take, and follow, proper professional advice.

@MrMucker

There's a lot of knee jerk don't let them dictate to you in this thread. I havent seen any dictating. OH has "floated" the idea. But where's the compassion? What happened to "just talk it through carefully, pros and cons"?

Also, this is a grandparent. So that comes with benefits for baby. That gives inbuilt babysitting, nights out for parents, more interaction for baby.

Dunno-find the responses quite venomous. Makes me a bit sad.

Look closely at that baby, OP, and imagine it saying to you in, say, thirty years time "no. You cannot stay at my place no matter what issues you are suffering. You only cramp my style"

I know what you mean about kneejerk hostile reactions on mumsnet, but I feel the immediate "no" reactions are fair here. The MIL is in the middle of a serious dispute. There is no point helping her to keep her head in the sand about it. She needs to resolve this situation, even if it means she is then in a difficult position housing wise. It's when she works out the figures and realises that she can't house herself under her own steam (if that is really the position) that a relative would offer to house her. But if she just moves in and carries on rowing with her daughter with no resolution in sight and a hugh family backstory going on in the middle generation, this creates awful pressure on her son.

Cosy, wow.

My grandmother lived with us. My parents had the house altered for her. My lovely dad never complained but it was a strain. She was not interfering as such but she was a cold, difficult woman. Something you do not think about is the impact upon the children, even though your child is only a baby. My grandmother chastised me all the time and was very disapproving and deeply old fashioned. She made it very clear she preferred my brother to me and it made me really sad.

It always made me so mad that my uncle did nothing at all to help, never even giving my parents a week off as she developed dementia. She actually had to go into respite care when my parents both got flu. I had to take time off school to help. Do not do it op. Your dh is having a bout of unnecessary guilt and he has not thought it through. You will not survive it as a couple believe me.

I voted YABU. His mother clearly needs some help and I'd be happy to do what I can to help family.

skipped to the end.
No, I would tell him, if she moves in, You will move out. with everything that involves
"No" is a whole sentence

Good grief no! Don't budge on this.

I'm about to move in with my partner. One of my 'set in stone' rules when we were deciding to live together is that none of his (toxic) family ever stay overnight, not even 1 night & especially not his mother. I've seen too many relationships fall apart due to this to so much as entertain the idea.

@starrynight21

No No No. It would wreck your family. She needs to sell her house and rent, work more hours ,look after herself.

^^ This.

DO. NOT. SHARE. A. HOME. you do not even know this woman apart from that she's a bit overbearing (and that's on the odd occaision you've seen her, never mind what she's like to live with)

If your husband refuses to see your POV you need to take a serious look at your relationship and he can consider moving in with his mother to support her if he wants to live with her that much. Or perhaps your sister in law can help her mother.

Can’t imagine anything worse. My father in law was struggling to cope last year. We found a lovely retirement fist, super cheap and he’s sold up and moved into there, leaving him mortgage free. It’s lovely, small, easy to keep clean and tidy and has a warden on call 24/7. He gets frozen meals and fresh meals delivered.

Under no circumstances do this.

You don’t need to discuss it with your husband or really engage with his feelings, just be absolutely clear that there are no circumstances under which you will agree to this. So can stop talking about it.

I'm honestly confused what difference it makes where she lives. The mortgage would still need to be paid right?

This is only part of the story - what does MIL see as a way out? Clearly, the situation is untenable - MIL relying on handouts is not good - ask MIL her ideas out of the situation, what does the daughter have to say on the matter? if nothing cut her out of the situation. Clarify your ideas on the matter (MIL moving in is not one of them) and work it through from there, find a median ground, but make it clear that it is a mess and that MIL must accept her share of the responsibility. Lay down the boundaries of help - otherwise, emotions escalate. You all sound like lovely people who do try to help, but there are limits, these must be discussed - good luck.