to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

I feel that right now may be the time to think differently. They aren't doing this to hurt you, they aren't ignoring you, the haven't stopped loving you.
They are just doing something that they enjoy doing.
We have very few choices right now. We don't have anywhere to go. We can't make any plans. You can't offer much because currently we are all stuck.
Give it time once we can go out then you can get them back.
I feel that gaming is a life saver for children as they are not being able to have normal activities.
This isn't personal.

He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.

Go then. Take a couple of weeks to yourself. Can you go and stay with family? Leave him to manage childcare, schoolwork, feeding the kids etc.

Just to echo so many of the pp's - this is not you! You are not the problem!

You sound utterly miserable and ground down and I am not surprised. I think you're right in that it's got to the point where you need to do something more extreme than simply talking. Unplugging the internet is an option, although obviously not when your DH is working... do you work at the same time? If not, grab this opportunity to do something with your DC?

However, from your updates, I would say that whilst this might mean more time with your DC, it doesn't solve the underlying issue of how your DH treats you and the lack of respect of the whole household.

I think leaving could be your only option and the only one which will make your truly happy again. Having your own space, being the one setting limits and boundaries, not having to give up your living area to gaming, not having to listen endlessly to screaming and shouting... it could be so good and I hope you're able to build your strength up to be able to get it.

You are worth far FAR more than this - you deserve better and so do your DC. Thinking of you so much

You sound defeated OP, which to be honest I completely understand.

It's too much to fix everything at once - so when you say you'd leave the marriage but can't deal with the fun dad/dull mum dynamic that would continue to perpetrate - that's the bit that's too much to deal with just now.

You don't love your husband. You don't respect him. He's a fucking terrible, terrible father.

So kick him out. That is step one. The rest will come. But you will NOT be able to change this dynamic with him in the house because he is 100% fully invested in it.

Once he is gone you can gently, carefully reset the boundaries with your boys. But you do not have a chance of doing this while he is there. Waste of a skin sack that he is.

I feel for you OP. My two DS are gamers and although the eldest (almost 22!) doesn't play that much now, the younger one (19) still does very much especially at the moment when there is nothing else to do.
I don't think I could find DH attractive if he was gaming 24/7 from 3pm on a Friday onwards or if he refused to tone it down so we could have an actual life. We are almost 50 though.
And if I had asked him to reduce it and he responded like your DH did I would leave. It's not a healthy way for kids to live, there have been people who have died from nonstop gaming it's not good for the brain or eyes to be wired to a screen like that.
Show him this and tell him to sort it the fuck out. If he won't then you need to consider if you have a marriage at all.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/gaming/man-dies-after-playing-online-games-three-days-lies-dead-hours-internet-cafe-9987473.html

I wonder that if you leave, it will be the children that miss you first. Having said that, what would happen if you find a new place and leave and not tell them.

I'm not saying do that but I wonder how long it would be. I bet the children would notice first. You need to look after yourself though - I don't think you want to leave the children for long and neither do they after they find out you are gone. But you cant put someone else life-support on without having yours on first.

WHen you go, put your wedding ring somewhere prominent but safe - I wonder how long it will be before he finds out.

The first thing to recognise is that your feelings are never unreasonable. Your actions can be unreasonable, so you have to choose the right response to your feelings, but the feelings themselves are always to be respected. So, for example, if you feel like smacking someone round the head with a mallet, have a look at the feeling behind it: You are angry with them, because they disrespected you (for example) The solution does not involve a mallet, but it does involve you respecting your feeling of anger, and enforcing your boundary more clearly.

The situation you're in is because you're not respecting yourself, and you are staying in a relationship where you are not respected. If you've told him where your boundaries are and he's told you he doesn't care, then the only way to deal with someone like that is to leave, and spend as little time with them as you can.

Your boys have an addiction, and are being encouraged to stay addicted by their father. You will be able to help them break the addiction, but not when they live in it 24/7. This is like the first piece of advice you'd give to someone alcohol dependent who lived in a pub: Move out of the pub.

You are far from worthless. Your boys will turn into their father if you do not demonstrate an alternative to them, in an environment where they can see it. You can turn yourself into their hope, their education, their recognition that they can change, their example of 'making your life to suit you', their confidence in themselves from having a wide range of experiences. You are invaluable to their futures. Their father, on the other hand, is demonstrating how to be lazy, rude, dismissive, and addicted to one unhealthy activity.

Step into the boots of power, OP, and get your Superman T-shirt on: you have essential work to do for your boys. Step one: Demonstrate how not to be controlled, by leaving your husband.

What would your DH do if you left to stay with friends/family and then, when gone, served divorce papers on him? In your situation, I would be really tempted to do this. He might finally get his head out of his arse and start paying attention to the situation he's created.

LOL at the posters saying that you should just become a gaming Zombie too.

For heaven's sake, that's not any kind of life, is it?

Your DH has made it clear that the marriage is over, so honestly, I'd start looking at the finances and Seeing if you can afford to split. Sure, when the kids are with him they can game all day, but when they are at your house, your rules apply, ie. limited screen time.

Kids will soon come round, once they start doing other stuff they enjoy. Your oldest is 8, not 18. YOU are in charge.

Don't forget, if your DH has a pension, you are entitled to half its value (in cash).

OP, I agree with almost every other poster here. You've tried everything you can get change the situation in your home and to save your marriage. But one person cannot keep a marriage together. He isn't willing to work with you so any attempts you make will fail. Splitting up isn't the nuclear option here. It is the only viable option left to you.

Leaving is likely to be tough and the kids will likely be unhappy with you for a short while. But, long term, it is absolutely best for them (as well as for you!!) and they will see that in the end.

Honestly op. I really had this. It's every bit as debilitating as if he was drinking whisky all day. Get him out.

WHen you go, put your wedding ring somewhere prominent but safe - I wonder how long it will be before he finds out

When the underpant drawer & the fridge are empty.

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
And with that, I’d be out. There’s not really any coming back from that in a marriage.

Well you've tried everything within the relationship and nothing has worked. This relationship does not exist - you are two people who don't even like eachother much, living in the same house.

You have no chance of changing this situation whilst you are married. If you divorce, you will be able to have some rules around gaming in your home. You have a chance of changing your children.

You have nothing to lose by divorcing, do you?

Or stay, and accept things carry on as they are. Those are your options - there is no magic wand here

So your marriage is over - he neglects & sabotages the relationship that you both have. He moves between neglect and nasty. You now need to plan to end the relationship & move onto a life that is fully yours.

Your children need you & still love you. In a hostile family environment, they have opted into short term escapism & appeasing the family bully.
‘ My eldest is openly rude and disrespectful to me. This isn’t a one off. ’ - this is not a nasty child, this is a child who is distressed at being stuck indoors & nothing else on offer.

Your DH is being most unreasonable & makes clear cut by his actions that he does not value your & has already left the marriage. An initial consultation with a family law specialist will take your descriptions of everyday life -they’ve heard it all before - & advise you of the grounds that you have for divorce.

Your children can stay put at home, relax into a more fulfilling home life. School will start again (!) & a better routine all round will be had.

@MessAllOver

Poor you and your poor children. Honestly, aren't you tempted to murder your "D"H in his sleep to save both you and the boys?

In the short-term, you need to go on strike... refuse to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and instead just get meals and snacks for one (you). They'll soon complain and then you can try to set some limits for the boys (for example, they come to the supermarket to help with the shopping or come for a walk). Completely ignore your husband... don't feed him or do anything for him. Treat him with the contempt with which he treats you.

In the long-term, I think you should look at leaving - you sound so unhappy . At the very least, you will have a happier, fuller life alone. But I think the lure of gaming will wear off somewhat for your DC without their dad around pushing the gaming agenda and with you offering alternative, fun activities. In any case, you'll have a much better chance of reclaiming the relationship without their dad there.

In any case, you'll have a much better chance of reclaiming the relationship without their dad there.

Totally agree with this. What you have described would be a deal breaker for me.

It sounds like you’ve tried to talk to him, explain how you feel etc and he doesn’t give a shit. What you said before that you don’t think he’d care if you left says it all really.

I would start making arrangements to leave. I wouldn’t ban gaming when the kids are with you, but limit it - so a list of stuff to do before games and a time limit for the gaming as PPs have suggested - you’ll teach your kids how to responsibly enjoy their hobby.

Your DH wanting to ban fortnite because they didn’t want to play with him speaks volumes. He’s going to get a heck of a shock when they’re teens and gaming with daddy isn’t cool any more.

Do not leave the family home.

‘You are the problem, you can leave...’ Bollocks to that. If he spent more time in the real world rather than a virtual fantasy then he’d realise that real life, family law & divorce settlements actually work.

If he’s so immersed in his own fantasy world, then he won’t notice that you are speaking to solicitors, sorting out financial documentation etc. Leave him to stew in it & get the next stage of your own life sorted out.
The family law solicitor will advise you how to get him out of the house, legally & with the least aggravation.

He won’t change.
He’ll be OK living elsewhere, online all day & all night.
No pesky wife or kids to distract him.
He may even realise that he is the one with the problem...eventually.

Leave the marriage, not the family home.

100% do not leave. Speak to a solicitor, ensure you have all financial documents. Get him out, put rules in place within the home for your children. Involve the school and social services if need be, age inappropriate gaming, lack of care, supervised access. You can break this cycle!

You're thinking of splitting the family up on the basis that your husband and children share a hobby. Read that again and realise how ridiculous it sounds.

No, they share an obsession. It's not ridiculous of the OP to feel like an outsider given the levels of the obsession.

I'm not convinced how much effort you've put in to getting interested in their hobby.

Why should the OP have to try harder to like something she doesn't like, just to pander to the selfishness of others?

Don't try to force them into doing things they don't like - it will not encourage a healthy family atmosphere.

But they're not doing much to encourage one either, with their single-mindedness about this. Gaming addiction is real, and going by the OP's description I personally think that's what's happening here. Even if not, the OP's DH is really not setting his children a healthy example.

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP. They're being very selfish.

BTW, when the kids stay EOW with him, & the food is crap, beds not so comfy, only online games available, they can’t see their friends, not even a smidge of Disney Dad treats to build rapport, then they’ll know for themselves that Mum loves them & wants the best for them.

Meant to add - but I do think a totally gaming-free household is an unreasonable ask. Balance is what's needed.

Nowhere near like your situation but my husband likes to game - we have a rule whereby the time one spends in a hobby without the other is not housework time. So I read, whatsapp friends, exercise or do little things I fancy that I don’t see as work (like baking.) so at the end the washing up might still need to be done if it wasn’t before but there’s no resentment that I found I otherwise had which was self caused by me spending “fun” time cleaning for no real reason (to be clear this is only max 4 hours a day at a weekend and split into two chunks.). Also there needs to be limits so that the house stuff gets done.

Works as I do a lot of volunteering and though we can’t seem to get the time to align with his friends game time, still means we have time together.

Though to be honest in the pandemic I wish my friends liked online gaming more. I miss people & you can only talk on a phone call with nothing to say for so long!

YANBU but I think you’re possibly thinking about the problem in a way that doesn’t identify it correctly and leaves you open to argument and ridicule.

You absolutely have grounds to leave your dh, who is putting his addiction before you, disregarding your needs and disrespecting you. He’s not parenting equally. There are huge problems in your relationship.

With regards to children’s screen time they need limits. They cannot regulate this themselves. In homes where dc do sports, reading, study, real life relationships and gaming it’s because there is enforced moderation. But you are in a situation where you cannot put those limits in place. I think you are absolutely correct in identifying that the only chance they have for a decent life is if half of it is spent in your custody without their father undermining sensible and healthy boundaries.

The big problem you will have is that gaming/screen addiction is not recognised. Experts dislike the term addiction arguing that it is not an addiction like heroin where there is a chemical dependency. There is a lot of work on behavioural addiction (eg gambling) to draw on but if it were to become an issue in a court custody battle it could go either way.

So yes, by leaving you are absolutely jeopardising your relationship with your children. I’m sorry. But I also think that leaving is your only chance to fight for what those kids need. It’s a shit situation and my heart goes out to you.

You need to frame the problem correctly though. It’s not about living in a game cafe/ being left out/ walking out because the kids want to play online. The issues are much more serious than that.

If your dc were in the grip of a different sort of addiction what steps would you take? My guess is that if you remove yourself from your dh’s toxic influence you’ll find the strength to start fighting for your dc.

Ah tough one Op - sorry this is impacting you so much!

First of all, I'd say Covid is going to be making this way worse than it was before, but Covid is temporary too. Secondly, I'd say it is winter and doing more things out and about will be easier as the weather gets better.

I think it's important for everyone to recognise here that gaming this much isn't healthy (coming from someone who loves to game!) and the deliberately make games to be as addictive as possible. Kids need exercise and gaming is not going to help them develope the skills they need to have a good life - they need balance. You're partner and you need to discuss this and maybe you should approach it less from a "I want you to do less gaming because I feel left out and it's boring for me" approach and more "this isn't healthy and the kids are missing out on much needed exercise and development of other skills". Your partner needs to be an adult about this - the kids are too young to understand this themselves so you need a coordinated approach!

Maybe say you understand that Covid is making things hard so you get why there is so much gaming going on right now, but that you expect that as restrictions start to ease again you all start to get out more. Also, now, it's mandatory for the kids to get at least a bit of exercise and even if your partner wants to stay at home to play games you expect him to support you in getting the kids to go out!

Good luck xxx