to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

@Feedingthebirds1

'Disney dad' is usually applied in a separated family where dad only wants to do the fun stuff and be the kids' favourite. Unfortunately you've got one while you're still living together. And all the PPs talking about putting boundaries in with the DCs - it isn't going to work, because I can tell from here that they'll just go to Dad and he'll tell them to ignore their mother.

OP you have to accept that this has gone too far. They (all three of them) like their lifestyle, and you are only the servant to that lifestyle. Cooking and cleaning. Harsh as it is, I don't think you can have the family you so desperately want it to be with them. It's not going to happen, they're not going to have a facepalm moment where they realise how you're feeling and make changes. Your 'D'H has made it clear that his life is better without you.

You have to really hear what he's saying and let go of the idea of the family life you want. You shouldn't have to, but you do. You are on a cliff edge, and very close to falling off it.

Your mindset that you have to change is that you will lose everything if you split so you can't do it. You have to. You've already lost them. And you may not get them back for a long time. Or they may realise sooner that they miss you if you're gone for more than just a couple of hours (and not just for the washing and cooking).

The reality here is harsh for you, and I don't blame you for not wanting to face it. But you have some tough decisions to make. I wish you luck, and hope that you can come out of this OK. You matter too and you have to find a way to protect yourself.

No I feel this is completely wrong.

"Not ever going to get them back again"

Yes she is. She's going to separate and they'll have to go cold turkey and spend a weekend and a full week with her without computer games.

She also has a responsibility to rescue her sons from addiction which the Dad has foisted upon them.

He is a feckless user and as is a woman who was married to an alcoholic would need to do, she needs to rescue them from further abuse.

She needs to wake up and see this isn't just about her. It's her children that are at risk here.

Same as as a PP poster my son is addicted to games. However I'm a single parent put strict gaming "rules" since he was young. All chores and homework done before he could go on a console etc.

My son is now 17 and I keep to very strict rules especially in lockdown. He must do 10,000 steps before he can go on his console. Most MNenners would have a outcry about this. But my house my fucking rules!

We had a huge argument about it the other week, and I said if you don't fucking like it go live with your dad!

When we had both calmed down he admitted he didn't want to live with his dad because his dad would let him do what he liked, and he knew it was in his best interests what I was doing.

My grown up son who now lives in his own home, also was brought up with strict gaming rules and now forces himself to not play during the his working week but only at weekends. He knows if he plays during the week he will be on it all night.

You need to sort this out now OP it will only get worse for your boys.

Primary school aged kids - so how old are they???

7 and 9?

9 and 11?

8 and 10?

It's shocking and the level of gaming is way out of hand. She should have put her foot down years ago.

I see how difficult it is as the addiction is insidious but all the same, it's full tilt now. Time to sound the alarm.

Honestly I really feel for you, this sounds so shit. You deserve to be happy, I know it's easier said than done but I really think you need to leave him to enable yourself to be happy. I'm not a parent yet, but I'm pregnant and I would be lying if I said I didn't have this fear. I know of so many young boys who are gaming addicts, 1 in the family just 8 years old. He isn't interested in anything else. It's completely changed him. My DP games but isn't addicted and will happily do other things, it doesn't take over his life.

Just to add, there is lots of threads where people automatically tell the op to leave the husband and I think a lot are over dramatic and I silently roll my eyes but I genuinely do think this is the only way out the hell you're in.

Love the 10000 steps rule.

This is one of the reasons I have an ex husband! Unfortunately if they like gaming they simply don't understand what the problem is

Hi OP

In terms of outdoor activities, the only ones I can think of are:
Jogging/running together
Biking (if you have bikes or can afford) or something like BMX or skateboarding or roller blading?
Maybe get a rounders or cricket bat and go out for a play in your local park

Are they too old for playgrounds? There are some playgrounds in my area designed for older kids that look like great fun but I don’t know if you have the same in your area.

Do they like animals? Can you borrow a friend’s or neighbour’s dog to take for walks? I don’t recommend adopting a dog as this probably isn’t fair to you or the dog right now but if you could borrow one for walkies that might be a good place to start.

My child is 2 so I’m not too sure what else older kids might like. At that age I loved going rockpooling but I don’t know if you live near the sea.

Lockdown has made things so much harder for kids (and everyone). I do sympathise and hope you can get through this

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
How can you possibly stay in a marriage like that?

Wow sorry to read how low you're feeling OP.

Is there really nothing else your kids would enjoy at all?? My SCs enjoy gaming - admittedly not to the same level as you've described - but we can get them to engage in board games or other competitive things as they love a contest.

Or worse comes to worse are there any games you could play together that aren't as obviously 'gaming'?? Like we play Mario Kart and Mario Olympics together. But I do appreciate that's still gaming.

It is hard at the moment with not being able to go out anywhere. At least in normal times you could maybe do a zoo or a theme park together. Those times will come back!!

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
This is no marriage, you need to make preparations to leave. Your MH will improve massively if you do.

Honestly OP, I'd leave. This relationship is dead in the water and you're not saving your kids health and happiness by staying.

Far better for them to eat crap and game too much every other weekend with dad and then spend most of the time with you at a low/no gaming home than for you to feed them broccoli and wash their clothes while they lose themselves to gaming addiction.

Thinking outside the box here but what are your finances like? You could buy them an Oculus quest 2 - www.amazon.co.uk/Oculus-Quest-Advanced-All-One/dp/B08HK24JSD/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?hvlocphy=1007336&quartzVehicle=72-1783&psc=1&hvnetw=g&keywords=oculus+quest+2&replacementKeywords=oculus+quest&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEyMko0SldXVUpaMFVRJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDEyMjM1M0o4TllYSjdESk5GNiZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNTU0MzcyM0dGTEZZM1pSNE1PSiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX3Bob25lX3NlYXJjaF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl&hvadid=409563468468&qid=1613056171&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_fPTvo7i7gIVS-PmCh2deAozEAAYAiAAEgJovfD_BwE&hydadcr=9126_1936634&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-563298318914&adgrpid=89514769884&hvrand=13916246365117868485&sr=8-1-spons.

Make sure you 100% know how to use it and make it "your" thing, not for partner. Only one person can use it at once so only one child gaming during that time. In order to use it they need to do some chore or non-gaming activity first.

@NeverAgain2021

I genuinely don't think she's going to get them back in the current set up while ever DisneyDad is loving it that he plays his games non-stop and the kids think he's ace and their favourite parent (and much, much better than mum) for doing so.

If the problem was just the DCs she'd have a chance, but she hasn't. However my apologies, I should have made my comment about not getting them back clearer - I meant if she stays in the marriage. I agree that if she leaves then when they're with her she has the opportunity to try to undo the damage her H has done to them.

Yanbu and you are right to be worried that you're on borrowed time if you split as a 12/13 yo would have their views respected with regards to where he wants to live.

I am a gamer and have to admit at this time of year there's a lot more screens and gaming going on in my house. My teen son will go out more when it's warmer but even if it wasn't lockdown he'd only go out if we got a decent amount of snow or his Dad came round.

Are they still banned from playing with friends? If so, your only trump card is the ability to facilitate that.Secondary school kids want to play with their friends and not their Dads. If they can play with friends at your home but not Dad's then that works in your favour as you can control access or use it as a reward for completing homework etc.

Do kids in your area (in normal times) go out in warmer weather? I often see groups of y6ish getting some sweets at the shops or having a kick about in a field. I see them walk home from school via the park or at the skate park with scooters too.

Sorry your DH is so vile and useless. His behaviour and attitude is damaging your children and it sounds like you’d be better off without him.

At their age the recommended total screen time is much less. Closer to three hours a day at weekends. That includes TV time as well as gaming. Fortnite is for 12+ so they shouldn’t be on this anyway.

If you have already sat down and told them there needs to be a complete change and it’s fallen on deaf ears then I agree you need to save your children from your husband, ideally with him moving out.

I can confirm that if you split, the kids will just vote with their feet as soon as they can and only be with you under duress until it’s time to game again at dads house. My kids have done it to me. I have no console. He does. One of mine moved there two years ago and comes back twice a year if I’m lucky. We all know that the next one can’t wait to do the same.

Tell the D.C. you love them and will always be there for them, they just need to send you a message

Ridiculous suggestion - they are under 8, not adults!!

Do agree with this though:

She needs to be strong enough and clever enough to smile and say 'Fine. Off you go - they're all yours for a fortnight - I'm going to stay with family. I'm sure you'll all have a lovely time.'

Two weeks later - two tired, sad, had-enough of there being no bedtimes and no real food, with a selfish shit dad who suddenly isn't fun any more when it comes to everyday real life. And a 'dad' who has had an absolute bellyful of there actually being no bread, no loo roll, no pants without actual skiddies on them...

And this:
I'm willing to bet that you do all the housework, laundry, and cooking. I would split up, your husband sounds like an absolute twat. But I wouldn't be so sure about the kids "living for their weekend with dad" as I strongly suspect dad's house will soon become a dirty shit hole with no food or clean clothes and them only being allowed to play the games dad wants, while mum's house is lovely and clean and they're allowed to game with their friends as long as its in moderation. They'll probably bitch about screen time limits at first, but I don't think it'll take long before they're reluctant to go to their dads for the same reasons you're reluctant to stay married to him - because he's a lazy selfish twat. Either way you've got to do something. 12 straight hours of screen time is insane, but doubly so for a primary aged child.

@StormBaby

I can confirm that if you split, the kids will just vote with their feet as soon as they can and only be with you under duress until it’s time to game again at dads house. My kids have done it to me. I have no console. He does. One of mine moved there two years ago and comes back twice a year if I’m lucky. We all know that the next one can’t wait to do the same.

I’m sorry about your situation but it doesn’t mean all situations will be like that. They’re primary school kids so they have a lot of time left before they end up in that situation and it’s not a given that they’ll always be addicted. Plus if he’s lazy and doesn’t do any housework or cooking will they want to live in a pigsty.

This is all about balance isn't it?

My DH loves gaming. On a day off work, we will have breakfast together, walk the dogs and then he might game for the afternoon whilst I do my work mumsnet

The evening starts with dinner at 630pm and then we have the whole evening together watching TV or talking. There is NEVER any gaming in our evening time.

Your "D"H is neglecting you and his parental responsibilities.

This must stop. You are the only one who can break the cycle, by separating from him, and raising your children in a more normal environment.

Start looking at the finances and making a plan. In 6 months you could have completely turned this around.

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
Oh dear lord, OP. This? and that whenever you have a row there is atmosphere and sulking?

You are living in a way NO ONE should live. No wonder you are depressed.

Lovely, only you can get yourself out of this. I hope you can. The one thing I would say is that actually, do your washing and the kids' washing but whether it takes two moments or not, do not do his. This is where you need to begin to take responsibility and action. Doing these things, making his life easier for him, is not helping you here in the long run. But it's the first step of many ... lovely, he doesn't want you there. He's said so.

@StormBaby this is my greatest fear. Is the gaming the reason they go back? Did you leave because of the gaming? Do you only have boys?

Bombastical you don't need to have no consoles at your house. Just less consoles. Keep/buy some of it to play at your house, with more normal boundaries.

Kick DH out and reduce screen time for the kids..... Would be my course of action.

Or, I seen a genius pic the other day. The kids didn't want to come out for a walk with me, so I took the router for a walk instead. Picture of said home router outside was inserted!!

Unfortunately no one can say that they won’t want to live with their Dad when they are older but, and it’s a big but, they will have experienced some of normal daily life. They will know places to go, how to interact with different people, have other things to do and speak about.
Evidence shows that gaming for long periods of time can have an impact on the brain. Young males can be more aggressive due to the hormones that these games cause the body to release. It can impact on sleep patterns and school attendance as well as other parts of every day life.
Neither of your children are beyond help. The fact that they have experienced other activities already is a positive, however now this has become the norm in your home, it will be more difficult to change, especially if your partner is not on board with it changing. Only you can make the decision about whether you leave, but your children need something to change before gaming becomes all they know.