to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

That's extreme and awful.

Are you facilitating this by cooking , cleaning and washing?

I am kind of assuming that your sex life with your husband has gone out the window.

Personally, I think that you would be justified in leaving him but your best option might be to go for marriage counselling.

If you can convince your husband to back off then both of you can take control of the situation and install a proper, agreed schedule for all.

I imagine lockdown has made this a problem throughout the country, OP.

Are the boys actually doing any schoolwork?

Perhaps a serious discussion with your H and be clear that if things don't change then you will be leaving him. Maybe he does need to be faced with a bit of reality of what is to come if something doesn't change.

I have been known to turn off the mains electricity as things were so bad. I do know that point of frustration that you are at OP.

Sex life has gone out of the window yes. It’s hard to be attracted to him right now. Yes I cook and clean. I have young kids who need feeding and I’ve tried leaving it. He feeds them crap and if they get sick it will be me who has to deal with it. Not feeding my kids properly isn’t a reasonable option. The washing isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t take all day. I’m not bothered by those things.
Does anyone have any outdoors suggestions I can do with them right now bearing in mind lockdown and the weather

@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.

sorry if this has been asked but are your kids keeping up with schoolwork. I have gaming but have 2 children for whom I truly believe it has kept them sane this last year. They game with their friends and chat constantly and seem fairly unstressed by the whole Covid thing. My husband down has all day on a computer with work and most of evening playing online chess or watching TV with me so he does not see the difference. If we get messages from school re being behind in homework them gaming is named until schoolwork done, otherwise it is not controlled at all. We work on the theory that they do their work, come for meals and do jobs politely when asked( walk dog/ empty or load dishwasher etc) then they can get on with it. If it is mainly Friday night and weekends, then that is ok. Maybe sit them all down and say that whilst you understand they are all passionate about gaming, you are feeling like a spare part and want some quality time with each of them each week so ask them to come up with an idea they could each do with you regularly to keep in touch with what's going on in their world.

OP you need to leave.

Yes, it's the nuclear option. But it's going to be the only way.

You can't stay with this person - there is no marriage. You also can't stay because he is an utterly deficient neglectful parent.

However you aren't going to be able to do this by leaving and taking the kids OR making him leave.

You need to make him see that hell is getting what you wish for.

Happy stinking with takeout, with two (I'm guessing) 9-11 ish year olds isn't sustainable for more than a few days really.

Tell him you're done and you are going to take some time away. You are allowed to leave in case of marital issues, by the way, and go to family. Hopefully you can do that.

Leave them to it.

It won't take long. But if it does - stick it out.

There will come a point when he will realise that sole responsibility is not what he wants. It won't all be gaming and takeouts. It'll be him having to shop. To be the one that has to replace the loo roll. Who breaks up the fights (and believe me, after a week of nothing but shit food and gaming, there will be fights). Real life comes in at some point.

What you want is to get him to the point where he realises you WILL walk and have walked, and that actually he does not want full time responsibility for his kids.

Then you negotiate. You'll only come back if he moves out. You will make a joint plan for custody of the kids but not in the same house.

Once you get them away from his influence - even if you only end up doing 50-50 - their behaviour can be tackled. Things will improve.

But you cannot have this disaster of a man in the home with you any longer.

Based on your last reply OP He can get stuffed.

He feeds then crap and they wind up sick????!
What is he feeding them then ??? Filling them up on chocolate and McDonalds, I bet!

With him saying life would be better without you, I would slap him one and leave.

I love my Dh to death. If he said that to me , I would probably faint.

You sound like a good mother with your head screwed on. Let him leave.
God will find you better.

I really think this is your dh's problem that he doesn't realise his responsibility as a father.
I am a gamer for over decades, but since having a dc, my priority has certainly changed. Even before dc, I knew the balance, otherwise my marriage with non gamer dh never survived.
Is he ok with your dcs being rude to you and everything in their life revolve around gaming? They are not even teens yet. He should know better than that as a gamer himself.

My DP is a massive gamer (it's also his job) and he would spend literally every waking moment gaming if he could.

However, the balance is, if I want to do something, he joins in with me. He always says yes, and enjoys it. But then any down time he has, he's straight back onto his computers/games.

He also does his share of the housework/DIY etc so I can't complain.

I think he also realises that if I wasn't around, and provide some welcome distraction, his life would be a bit too one dimensional. I'm not sure your DH sees that.

Is the house yours? Are you ok financially?

I cant believe the cheek of him.
A game freak who feeds his kids crap and treats you like doormat

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
He openly disrespects you and doesn't appreciate you.

He sees you as a slave.

Why are you with him.

Kick him out.

Just looked at last post. Would they do metal detecting or geocaching. Could you have a Rota for cooking main meals but would have to let them choose and not criticise. Buy a popcorn maker and encourage them to pop corn( healthy snack if plain or lightly salted) as that is fun and will make them at least leave the computer for a few minutes. My daughter is a hammer but comes out to make cookies for everyone or make some special fried rice( latest obsession)

Gamer, not hammer.

You need to leave OP. You have no marriage and your kids are suffering because of your cunt of a husband, and are learning to be just like him.

Please at least try and save them because you're marriage is done.

Yab a bit unreasonable. The thing is it sounds like this has been happening even before covid, but has only become an issue now you're all indoors with each other. I’m a bit like that with DH - he loves sport, and watches some form of sport every night. Pre covid I didn’t mind as some evenings I had gym and exercise classes, met with friends, visited family, but now it irritates me as it seems more full on with me being indoors every evening. I’ve got older teens at home, so we've now introduced a games night once a week where we play cards and board games. Lots of groans at first, but now we look forward to it. We’ve got league tables on the go. Another night is movie night. Just try and gently pull them away - it’s just habit thing.

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
I'm worried about you OP. You sound extremely down. If you are struggling please call a helpline such as the Samaritans. They are wonderful and they will talk to you about whatever is on your mind.

116 123

[email protected]

I feel so sorry for you OP and I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL.

It's not the gaming as such, this is the time we live in now unfortunately, we use screens to pass the time nowadays and there's not much getting away from that. However, there has to be moderation. And particularly at primary school age. Kids need boundaries and rules. It's damaging to their brain development to spend so much time on screens. This is known. This is why as parents we're encouraged to enforce screen time so that kids get a break from it. There's also the issue of the type of games the kids are allowed to play. Fortnite is highly addictive, our DS is 13 and still plays and gets so wound up by it. But he's not allowed to play games that above his age rating - so he doesn't have Call of Duty etc. If your DH is allowing the boys to play games that are unsuitable for their ages then that's another problem to add to the mix. So I'm not at all suprised you're upset and worried.

I don't know what to advise you. You already know that screen time needs to be limited. There needs to be rules around how long they can spend gaming, and when, and what games etc. They need to earn screen time through good behaviour (and whatever else you deem appropriate) but of course none of this is possible if you don't have both parents on board.

If it was me, I'd leave and at least I'd be certain then that when the kids were with me they'd be following my rules and would be getting the necessary break from screens and gaming etc. They might kick back on it but they're KIDS. They'd just have to suck it up and its for their good (and yours). Yes they'd likely spend all their time with their dad gaming, but at least it would only be the time they're with him. They are still young, and young enough for you to turn this around even if that means doing it on your own.

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
He is equally addicted.

Do you have somewhere that you can go?

As you do need to for your own mental health OP. I am quite concerned for you.

It will upset the apple cart hugely, but quite frankly, something has to give. H is not willing to compromise it is quite clear, so you need to do what you need to do for you. And ultimately your dc for the long term.

Sorry, HRTFT but if your kids are playing on xbox or PC you can set up Microsoft Family and restrict their screen and gaming time via that platform. I still have my older teen son under Family management due to ADHD and other issues - he would spend 24/7 gaming if given the chance, and his college work and everything else suffers because of his "hobby".

Op you have got to be very brave and take back control. This will be very hard. You need to give DH one last chance of helping save your dc. Make it clear if he refuses it is divorce. I would fight for custody of children on grounds your dh is allowing them to become additive to gaming. Yes, it is a thing. Your 20 year old may well choose to live with your dh but you may be able to wean your 2 primary children off before they start secondary school. What happens when they get 2-3 hours of homework every night at secondary? If they don't do it they will be at a serious disadvantage in their education. Make your dh realise that your children's future is at stake. Does your 20 year old go to school Sixth Form, college or work? If the former then he can't be putting in enough work into his studies and so will under perform against his potential. You can explain all of this to a solicitor who will be able to make a good case for you. I would have thought 2 hours screen time split between gaming and TV would be plenty on week nights and 3 hours each day over weekend. Tell your children those are going to be the the rules in your home. Stick to it no matter how much they complain. If you can't do it yourself get help setting up internet administrator so that internet cannot be used by children between certain times. Don't give up on your kids OP. Fight for them and for your own sanity, because you have allowed this situation to happen.

It’s tough work and I really feel for you. My exH put gaming first for a long time and the resentment just grew and highlighted many attitude and personality differences. I was fed up that he would make a choice to stay up until the early hours then be all tired and snappy with us the next day. We were walking on eggshells. The live games took precedence over a crying baby for example. Hated it and I’m much happier now and I don’t think he will change :/

What ages are the boys exactly? “Primary-aged” is a bit too vague to really understand the dynamic here.

Your husband is a pathetic excuse for a father and human being. What do his parents think of him?

Does anyone have any outdoors suggestions I can do with them right now bearing in mind lockdown and the weather

Has it snowed near you? My DC have had a great time sledging for the first time this week.

What did your DC enjoy doing outdoors before it got this bad? What do you enjoy doing?