to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

I’m sorry and I KNOW that this isn’t the answer (so don’t @ me!)....
But I would take a bloody sledgehammer to the fecking PlayStation or whatever they’re addicted to!
Then tell the useless, lazy arsehole that you’re married to to get himself to the far side of fuck!
I really feel for you.

Yes I cook and clean. I have young kids who need feeding and I’ve tried leaving it. He feeds them crap and if they get sick it will be me who has to deal with it. Not feeding my kids properly isn’t a reasonable option. The washing isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t take all day. I’m not bothered by those things.

This is the kind of thinking which will keep you there, watching your kids get bloody destroyed by the influence of this horrible man. Then they'll leave (or turn into him and stay, stinking in their rooms and slaggign you off too) - and you'll just look back and cry at the sheer waste - of your own life, of the chance of having a happy family.

You CAN be happy again, your kids can be happy (they're not now, they're boundary-less and floundering) - but you need to leave this absolute slug.

You're the problem? Fine. Go.

It won't kill the kids to eat shit for a fortnight. It will change the course of what they could have achieved, permanently, to live their entire childhoods like this.

You've done all you can, OP. It's time for the nuclear option. Get your ducks in a row. Plan for a life without him. Your D.C. will come round. Go and stay with a friend/family member as an opening move.
Tell the D.C. you love them and will always be there for them, they just need to send you a message.

You haven't answered about his or your work situation. What would happen if you weren't there? Would he need to leave the house for work?

I would get a divorce. Your children are still little and technically they are too young for a lot of these games (I know primary school children play fortnite, but still they are under the recommended age for it). You would have no trouble ensuring your DH only has them EOW. And my guess? It will suit him. He will have the teenage life he wants, gaming as much as he wants. You will be able to build a healthier relationship with your little ones.

I don't understand why some posters are telling OP to leave the family home? Her husband should leave. Preferably on the end of a boot. He needs to go. Does anybody think he'd get actual custody of the children, being a fuckwit father allowing them to game all day - and doing the same himself?

I would leave with the children, break the addiction as best you can with appropriate interventions and lots of other activities. And accept that yes they will probably choose to live with their dad when they can, but you have done your very best to help them. They might see that one day. You cannot be complicit with this or abandon them to it.

I'd also like into getting them diagnosed with an addiction (you can see child psychologists over Zoom) and have your solicitor make the judge aware.

witch

When I said leave, I did hope the DP would go but if he doesn't, she just needs to get the children out of there. She can't force him to go.

Op, thinking of stuff you could do outdoors.... could you maybe buy them some kids paintball / nerf / water guns? In normal times I'd suggest taking them on one of those "go outdoors" trips or on a kayaking course or something, but guess they aren't working during lockdown. Something to consider for the summer though! And say in no uncertain terms that this is mum and kid time, no dad. Maybe it's not great advice but I think you need to find something fun that gives them the endorphin / adrenaline rush of gaming but INA completely different setting that you introduce to them.

The problem here starts with your dh by the sounds of it! His saying it’s not his problem is so callous of your feeling and the part you play in this family unit! He should be leading by example, expressing affection to you and interest in what you enjoy! A simple “come on lads this isn’t fair poor mums being left out let’s go find her and treat her to a nice day” would be a good start! If it’s done consistently it would then change from being a “treat for you” to spend time with them to just how it’s supposed to be... but if he’s not willing to help you on this that’s really unfair and I feel so bad for you! It baffles me how some men struggle to empathise and see things from the mum perspective in these situations... I hope he will listen to you if you can explain why it upsets you so much and doesn’t go on the defensive... maybe a day just you two together to allow you both to talk it through without distractions would help? Tricky in lockdown I know but even a walk in your own if they’re old enough to be left alone would give you both freedom and time to hash this out. Best of luck, I’m so sorry you’re being left out at the mo. Xx

first step, remove the power cord to the kids consoles and their device chargers.

Only return them for set periods of time.

Second, leave your husband.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I don't understand why some posters are telling OP to leave the family home? Her husband should leave. Preferably on the end of a boot. He needs to go. Does anybody think he'd get actual custody of the children, being a fuckwit father allowing them to game all day - and doing the same himself?

She won't be able to force him out.

The only way to do that would be to hold through it all until an actual divorce and selling of the family home.

And he'd spend the entire time turning the children even more against her than he does right now.

She needs to box clever. He doesn't want her to go at all!! He's only saying that because he thinks she won't. But the last thing he actually wants is for her - the feeder, the washer, the do-everything slave - to leave, and show his kids exactly who does the caring for them and makes home seem like home.

She needs to be strong enough and clever enough to smile and say 'Fine. Off you go - they're all yours for a fortnight - I'm going to stay with family. I'm sure you'll all have a lovely time.'

Two weeks later - two tired, sad, had-enough of there being no bedtimes and no real food, with a selfish shit dad who suddenly isn't fun any more when it comes to everyday real life. And a 'dad' who has had an absolute bellyful of there actually being no bread, no loo roll, no pants without actual skiddies on them...

If OP wants to win here, she needs to stop talking and start walking. So to speak!

YANBU to end this relationship, whether that means that he or you move out. The way that he treats you is obviously impacting on your children, as you say that your eldest is disrespectful and doesn't care about your feelings. The gaming is a bit of a red herring - the issue is that your husband has absolutely no respect for you, and is modelling that behaviour to your children. If it wasn't gaming, then it would be something else.

My two are gaming addicts, but I have found that once the gaming option is firmly off the table, they will turn to something else relatively happily. However, if they even suspect that there is a chance for gaming to be back on the table, then they will act up. I think that were you to have a home with either no gaming, or stricter rules about how long they could play for, then you would get a chance for other activities. But there is no chance of that with your husband around. Fix the husband issue, and then worry about the gaming. (And yes, I know that I am making it sound easy, when it is horrifically complicated. I genuinely empathise with your situation - it's really shitty.)

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I meant leave him as in leave the relationship not necessarily be the one who leaves the home

@bombastical

I’m having counselling and through counselling I’ve learnt that you can’t change other people. He is who he is. He calls all the shots because gaming/computers are the dominant force in our relationship. I’ve spent our marriage second best to whatever computer game is being played.

If you can't change him you have to change yourself or your behaviour. What changes can you make to get closer to where you want your life to be?

If you're not there to fix everything, OP, your DH will soon become bored of having to deal with the consequences of his bad choices for the children. I'd definitely take him at his word and go for a couple of weeks. It would give you a chance to rest and recharge.

Leave and take your children with you. I don't have any games at my house, children cope perfectly well without them, they don't need them for friends etc... it's perfectly possible to have a full life without being attached to a screen for hours in a day.

I am split from my child's father, he has games at his house and my child can get their fix there. If I were you I would take the children and go - this isn't healthy for you or for them.

Sounds like the end of the road OP, sorry.

Imagine what your life could be like. You could put a restriction on your DC's gaming time say three hours each day at the weekend. The other times, you could get them out doing things the three of you. I know you say it's very difficult to get them out but if you were on your own with them and got them out regularly, they may get better at being parted from the games.

I understand your worry about the DC not wanting to see you when they're older and maybe yes, they'll want to stay with their dad most of the time, especially when they're in their teens, so they can get as much gaming in is possible. But tbh I can't see that lasting for long, they'll grow up and rather be going out, socialising, seeing partners than gaming 24/7.

I think you need to move on from your DH. There is a much better life for you and your DC out there.

[quote bombastical]@isthismylifenow I’ve tried that. He doesn’t care. He says I should just go then. He’s not bothered. As he says his life without me in it is great. I’m the problem.[/quote]
I’m really sorry OP bit I think you need to leave, especially with your mental health declining to the point you are almost suicidal.

Can you therapist help you make a plan?

Is there anyone you can talk to about how to deal with the children and help them understand in as gentle way as possible that whilst they are in no way to blame for the split (their dad might imply this ie: mummy doesn’t like you gaming), it is not a healthy way of living and that family life with you will be different. It’s so hard because at this age boys gravitate towards their dad but he’s completely abusing this to push his own agenda of being a lazy-arsed gamer. It sounds like he’s addicted and getting his boys involved justifies this. Engaging someone outside the family to try and help your boys understand the dangers of constant gaming sounds essential.

Your husband is a gaming addict.

I'd leave and say it's a trial separation.

Or, they have one day of gaming on Sunday - his day and one day without games - your day Saturday.

One day is fine, once per week. He probably won't be able to do it because he's addicted.

The boys are only following his lead and he's turning them into addicts too.

What's happening to their health, their bodies, their other outside education in the real world?

Your DH is mad and he is actually damaging your children IMHO.

I'd be taking him to a doctor and a solicitor.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Get angry. Really really angry.

Nobody should treat you this way. But only you can fight for you.

No one seems to realise this I find. You're the only one who can fight your corner so bloody well get up and fight.

www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/video-game-addiction#1

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I'm willing to bet that you do all the housework, laundry, and cooking. I would split up, your husband sounds like an absolute twat. But I wouldn't be so sure about the kids "living for their weekend with dad" as I strongly suspect dad's house will soon become a dirty shit hole with no food or clean clothes and them only being allowed to play the games dad wants, while mum's house is lovely and clean and they're allowed to game with their friends as long as its in moderation. They'll probably bitch about screen time limits at first, but I don't think it'll take long before they're reluctant to go to their dads for the same reasons you're reluctant to stay married to him - because he's a lazy selfish twat. Either way you've got to do something. 12 straight hours of screen time is insane, but doubly so for a primary aged child.

Fully agree with this.

'Disney dad' is usually applied in a separated family where dad only wants to do the fun stuff and be the kids' favourite. Unfortunately you've got one while you're still living together. And all the PPs talking about putting boundaries in with the DCs - it isn't going to work, because I can tell from here that they'll just go to Dad and he'll tell them to ignore their mother.

OP you have to accept that this has gone too far. They (all three of them) like their lifestyle, and you are only the servant to that lifestyle. Cooking and cleaning. Harsh as it is, I don't think you can have the family you so desperately want it to be with them. It's not going to happen, they're not going to have a facepalm moment where they realise how you're feeling and make changes. Your 'D'H has made it clear that his life is better without you.

You have to really hear what he's saying and let go of the idea of the family life you want. You shouldn't have to, but you do. You are on a cliff edge, and very close to falling off it.

Your mindset that you have to change is that you will lose everything if you split so you can't do it. You have to. You've already lost them. And you may not get them back for a long time. Or they may realise sooner that they miss you if you're gone for more than just a couple of hours (and not just for the washing and cooking).

The reality here is harsh for you, and I don't blame you for not wanting to face it. But you have some tough decisions to make. I wish you luck, and hope that you can come out of this OK. You matter too and you have to find a way to protect yourself.

You can take back control.
Take away the internet access for the hubs,
Very Easy to do.
You just youtube how to do it and block them.
You can set hours they work, or offer the time as a reward for the children, any attitude instant block.
IF your husband acts up tell him where the door is, ask him if he WANTS to loose his family, and does he think any woman wants an overgrown teenager.
Also stop making his life easy, no more washing his clothing or cooking for him, just do enough for your children, make him adult by removing doing it for him.