Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

[Newlyblubberised]

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

I don't think you're being paranoid.

This is all really fucking weird. Change all your passwords right now.

Can you just tell him how you feel? You've had a horrible previous experience. If he was decent he'd be horrified and not do it again, right?
Do you have full access to his phone?

Why are you with him? It doesn’t sound like he makes you very happy.

My God no, not paranoia. If anything, you're underreacting.
Can you change your cloud password?

I would not like that at all. And I have no particular secrets to keep. The main issue is that you are not comfortable with it, and he still went ahead. Not a good person to be with.

I’ve not posted for a very long time but I had to log in when I read this. Don’t accept this. It’s not on and there is NO NEED AT ALL for him to “help” you like this. The feeling you are getting is caused by the massive intrusion into your natural privacy. Some might be ok with it, you are not and I don’t blame you.

Get rid now. You're not just being paranoid.

You’re not being paranoid. Change your passwords, made that device “untrusted” and dump him.

He also may be able to read this thread if it’s on that device.

That doesn’t sound like your paranoid at all. It’s one thing to casually know someone’s iPhone unlock code but that sounds really controlling

Tell him why you don't like it and judge his reaction. You aren't being paranoid. Dh has access to all my stuff but that's practical and has evolved over the years. He has never pushed for it.

I would hate that!
As a non tech person who often needs help, I get really uneasy if someone just takes my phone to show me.

Thank you so much all.
@PurpleDaisies everything else, weirdly, is all good. But this is a big issue for me.
I feel that maybe he doesn’t trust me. But it’s more the feeling of someone merrily invading my privacy which I feel we’re all I’m entitled to to a certain extent.
@Lelophants- to be fair, he doesn’t have a problem with me knowing what his passwords are (I can’t remember them though- haven’t tried!)
So maybe it’s just what openness looks like to him.
It’s the fact that he could tell I was riled and carried on regardless

Does he have similar access to, for example, a sibling’s phone etc? Is this normal in his circle? I bet it’s not

If it happened once (abusive partner) it can happen again. Do not trust him. What did you say at the time? Did you flip out and say “oi what’s that all about?!” Or just let it slide even though you felt bad? oP you might need more work on your boundaries. He sounds like a chancer to me. Yanbu in any way.

Thank you @Swizzelslollies

Do you have anyone, family member or friend, who could talk you through changing all your passwords? If he complains that it was his phone so has some kind of right, get a new phone (or maybe even get one anyway). You also don't know what he's potentially installed on there in terms of apps etc.

I really wouldn't be happy, especially if it's not reciprocal. (Incidentally, my DH and I share passwords to each other's devices and could look at any time if we wanted, but we've been together over 20 years. 8 months isn't long enough imho)

Change your passwords and decide if you really want to be in a relationship with this man.

Tell him it's not on. If he gets easy or won't stop. That's your answer.

If he apologised and it never happens again then fine.

You're not paranoid, he's insensitive at best. He sounds bullish and controlling . I would get out while you can.

@Jeremyironseverything (🤣 at your username) yes, if it’s evolved over time I can see why that’s natural. And therefore ok.
@OldAndWornOut
i feel you!

Your instincts are there for a reason. Please trust them. Is your phone pay as you go? Just get a new cheap basic one on the same network?

He could also have installed spyware on your devices

Thank you all for your comments and advice, it’s really appreciated.

NOT paranoid - this is simply not ok. Honestly I wouldn't be changing passwords because if he's that techy I wouldn't trust him not to get round it.

I suggest sorting your own new phone out tomorrow with your own password and fingerprint ideally and give him back his iphone.