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AIBU?

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Original poster

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

178 replies

Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:41

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

OP posts:
covetingthepreciousthings · 10/02/2021 21:19

Another one saying definitely not paranoid.

Change your passwords.. I also wouldn't like to just hand over my phone whenever he wanted to look through it either.

Change your iCloud password at the very minimum and I think his reaction to you doing that will tell you all you need to know..

Crystal90567 · 10/02/2021 21:19

My controlling ex knew all my passwords. It was a nightmare to get rid of him on absolutely everything. I had to go to fraud depts and dont really want to say any more. Sorry. Especially on my bank account which he monitored daily for a year after we split before I realised quite how bad he was.
Also watch out for hive heating, remote control of anything inc house, ring doorbell, and of course, stalking, as I call it: it's very very easy to trace an iPhone. He can therefore track you like a beeping dot.

Ideasplease322 · 10/02/2021 21:21

Tell him how your feel. His reaction will tell you if you want to stay with him.

Embarrassed and apologetic Followed by an immediate change is the only Good outcome

bloodyhairy · 10/02/2021 21:24

You need to take back control. Return his devices with a 'thanks but no thanks' and do your own thing. You're not being paranoid.

Diamondella · 10/02/2021 21:27

I do not think you are being paranoid. This is not you, it’s him, his behaviour is wrong and I think you need to deal with it and deal with it ASAP make it one hundred percent clear that this most stop .

Respectabitch · 10/02/2021 21:27

You aren't being paranoid. I agree with changing all your passwords and giving the phone back. Get a friend to help you if needed.

DH and I have been together almost two decades and we do have certain shared/mutually known passwords (say, for the Netflix which is in his name) but our phones, email etc are our own and are staying that way. I don't have anything to hide, but my space is still my space. It's private and I don't have to justify, explain or "earn" that.

I also agree that you maybe need to work on getting comfortable enough to state your boundaries. "No", "stop that", "I don't want to".

Purplealienpuke · 10/02/2021 21:28

His old iPhone will still be connected to him, regardless of what you do, tech wise.
Change your passwords for everything, email, Google etc and factory reset his iPhone and give it back.

He is massively overstepping boundaries.
You say its a fairly new relationship thats moving quickly? Love bombing by any chance?
Trust your instincts. 💐

tatutata · 10/02/2021 21:30

He's the weirdo. I do share my phone login with my DH of 8 years and vice versa, but not everything else and if I asked him to leave my stuff alone he would. You shouldn't feel the need to apologise for your feelings about this, it's beyond creepy and I think you are right about the "incidental" addition of his own laptop to your backup. No fucking way. I'd dump him tbh. Just a total betrayal of trust.

tashac89 · 10/02/2021 21:32

I would be handing the phone back, getting my own and wiping the passwords for everything. And very probably leaving him. My husband knows my password for Netflix, for any household accounts and amazon prime. Nothing else. Its not about hiding things, its not just my privacy. If my family or friends are talking to me, they're talking to me. Not my husband as well because 'nothing to hide'

Wiredforsound · 10/02/2021 21:33

NO NO NO NO NO. My DP and I track each other on Find My Friends but that so we know when to put the dinner on and we’re both happy with it. We don’t have each other’s passwords and it wouldn’t ever cross my mind or his to look at each other’s phones. We share them freely to look cat videos, etc. but I don’t have his password and he doesn’t have mine. I wouldn’t have a problem swapping them but don’t really see the need. Your situation is odd. Flood your iCloud with cat videos and photos of samurai swords if you want to fuck with his brain for a bit. But seriously, change your passwords (do this first for many many good reasons) and then bin him. This is not normal.

isseys4xmastinselcats · 10/02/2021 21:34

simple give him the phone back and get your own phone that you have set up yourself then give him his single self back too

Alternista · 10/02/2021 21:37

This doesn’t sound right at ALL.

RedHelenB · 10/02/2021 21:40

Well.youve said you're rubbish with tech and he set it up for you. Personally I don't get the problem. If you don't want him to know passwords etc do it yourself. I think yabu.

toocold54 · 10/02/2021 21:41

When he next goes on your phone just say in a nice way - can you not go through my phone without asking me first as I find it rude and may have things on there I don't want you to see.

It is hard to know if there is something wrong here as he could be just someone who is very open with sharing everything but this would be way too much for me - I need my privacy!

Do you have free access to his phone or would he mind if you picked his phone up like he does with yours?

Dogscanteatonions · 10/02/2021 21:42

@RedHelenB

Well.youve said you're rubbish with tech and he set it up for you. Personally I don't get the problem. If you don't want him to know passwords etc do it yourself. I think yabu.
Any reasonable person when setting up the phone would have handed OP the phone to set up a password and not looked.
CupoTeap · 10/02/2021 21:44

It actually doesn't matter if it's you or him, he's not respecting your boundaries.

ChronicallyCurious · 10/02/2021 21:46

Please change all of your passwords. I bet his reaction will be very telling.

Whatisthisfuckery · 10/02/2021 21:50

It’s rather odd that he has saved/retained your passwords. I’ve helped people set things up before but I’ve certainly not made a point of remembering their password. That would be very dodgy indeed.

I’m with you OP, it feels very wrong. It doesn’t matter what his intent is, it’s a massive no no to retain someone else’s passwords.

Fuckingcrustybread · 10/02/2021 21:53

I don't think that you're being paranoid at all. As he knows about your previous abusive ex then he's massively overstepped the mark here. Is there anyone who can help you change all your passwords? If yes, ask them for help. If not YouTube is very good. As pp have said, when he finds out that you've changed them his reaction will be an extremely big clue to his intentions.

toastandbutterat5am · 10/02/2021 21:53

Yes, give him back his phone, or accidentally break it (water is effective) and get a new one.
Also please be very cautious. I'm willing to bet he is really charming, offers you all his passwords and says that he wouldn't check on you, it's just in case you got locked out of anything etc.
He is probably very full on, talking about you being the love of his life, planning next steps together (I know it sounds nice, but all really quickly).
My STBX DH did this and I stayed for the kids (got pregnant very quickly) and my word what a mistake it was.
By the way, he probably is reading this thread. My ex (unknown to me) monitored all my social media.

Whatisthisfuckery · 10/02/2021 21:54

Also, you need to log onto your apple ID on a computer and revoke his device permission. He’s helped himself to being one of your 5 trusted devices so he needs knocking off. Do it before he can do any fuckery on your account.

Kona84 · 10/02/2021 21:54

Set up 2 step authentication for everything- I cloud, any other apps you use.
Change your email password or even better change your email entirely .
If he asks why you know he’s been snooping- tell him you got hacked.

2 step authentication will mean he can attempt to log in but it will then ask for you to verify it on your phone normally a code etc.

ktp100 · 10/02/2021 21:58

This could be so easily sorted.

You just need to change all of your passwords (email, google account, social media, cloud services, apple etc) and when he asks for your new one say no.

Just. Say. NO!

He's overstepping and it's making you uncomfortable. Helping someone set up or link accounts doesn't mean you have to be privvy to their passwords. I've helped plenty of people do this and left the room or at least looked away while they choose a new password. He thinks he has the right to access everything you own and that's not normal.

Yebanksandbraes · 10/02/2021 21:59

You are not paranoid.
He may tell you that if you trust each other and have nothing to hide them why shouldn't you have access to each other's emails etc.
The answer is that this isn't about trust or sharing or being close. This is about privacy and respect.
You have a right to privacy eg if you want to ask a friend about a gynae problem. Your friends and family have a right to privacy eg if one of them discloses something to you in confidence, it isn't right that he can see that too.
He should also respect your boundaries and agree to whatever levels of privacy you are comfortable with.
He will try to make you seem unreasonable, you are not. Your desire is for a NORMAL about of privacy that we all have the right to.
Listening to your gut instinct is the first step, well done for being aware.