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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely don’t know if I’m being paranoid- please help

178 replies

Newlyblubberised · 10/02/2021 20:41

I’ll try to be brief...

Been seeing a guy 8 months- it’s all moved on quite quickly so seems like longer.

I’m very un-techy and he’s the opposite. I couldn’t care less what phone I have , the simpler the better as far as I’m concerned but he gave me his old iPhone and is always taking it and looking through it as if it’s his god given right. He knows my password (not only for phone- he set my laptop up so ‘had to’ ask for email password too) and acts as though this kind of openness is to be expected.

Bit of context - very toxic and controlling ex was similar and also got us both iPhones so everything was paired up (this stuff all goes above my head) but back then it made me uneasy. Not because I’ve anything to hide- but I’m naturally a very private person and anything private I might have written (eg texts to sibling/ best friend/ notes I make on phone about anything) feels like a massive intrusion for anyone to read. I’m just like that- hate anyone reading anything I’ve written.

Anyway. there have been a few things that have made me feel (irrationally?) angry and defensive about recently.

A few nights ago I was at his flat and he suddenly felt the need to show me how I can access my iCloud in case I ever need to. Because of previous similar episodes I felt quite riled and as though he’s invading my privacy, so I made it clear I could work it out for myself and didn’t need showing.

But he persevered - signed in for me (on his laptop- using my password of course without even asking) - and all the while he could see I was riled and was looking aghast at him, while he clicked the ‘trust this device’ button- which to me says that next time he signs into my cloud, I won’t get a notification saying someone has attempted to sign in on a new device??

I don’t know- like I said, I have nothing to hide but I don’t like it. It feels like he’s trampling all over me because he thinks he can (he knows I’m shit with technology) and I feel violated. I feel that pent up anger in my gut about it.

On the other hand I don’t know if I’m being stupid and paranoid- and I know that if I say all this to him it’ll sound like I have something to hide, and it’s so easy for him to deny any wrong intentions- I just feel like he thinks he has the right to invade my privacy.

And then when I say that out loud, I feel like I sound like I have things to hide

Does anyone understand or am I being paranoid?

Thank you

OP posts:
SunnyChange · 11/02/2021 02:42

Clearly Mally2020 is the BF Hmm

I do hope there's no Mumsnet alerts via email though...?

ButtonMoonLoon · 11/02/2021 02:47

Before you change your passwords, select the option to sign out of all devices.
Also, I wouldn’t sign in again on the phone he’s given you in case he’s installed a key logger or similar on it- as he can then see what you’re doing and still get access to your passwords.

BlueThistles · 11/02/2021 02:50

@SunnyChange

Clearly Mally2020 is the BF Hmm

I do hope there's no Mumsnet alerts via email though...?

oh hells bells

Original poster
Newlyblubberised · 11/02/2021 06:25

I know I keep saying it, but thanks again to every one of you for all of your comments.

I echo the pp who said she’s the most boring person to track- snap! But it’s still uncomfortable to feel watched.

Also, pp who said I’m bolstering myself up for an argument and being defensive about having nothing to hide, you make a good point. You’re right, it should be irrelevant but I automatically feel the need to be defensive as feel somehow (involuntarily) like it’s not my place to be ‘demanding’ not to have my stuff looked at. Ridiculous I know.

@Eckhart once again, your words are so powerful. As are so many on here.

It’s hard to hear because I’ve now got even less of an excuse to bury my head in the sand. I’m terrible at (what feels like) confrontation.

OP posts:
MzHz · 11/02/2021 07:21

Eckhart’s post Is probably one of the most insightful posts I’ve ever read

I agree it WOULD have got through to me when I was in the hole that is the abusive relationship

Thanks @Eckhart 💛

@Newlyblubberised this isn’t about confrontation, it’s just about you standing firm in one place and not being pushed further away from your boundaries

You’re not going to attack or confront anyone, you’re just changing your passwords to something private - as is wise

I would imagine he has the ability to use the FindMy tracker to see where you are at all times

You do need to get another phone. After all your passwords are changed Just to be safe that he’s not tracking you etc

If you look st woman’s aid, I’m fairly sure that they have a service to help you stop this tracking and control with phones and tech

Okokokbear · 11/02/2021 07:50

This could be nothing but equally it could be him tracking you. Either way you're not happy about it. So change your passwords and let him know where your boundaries are. He'll either respect them because they're your boundaries and you don't need to reason or he won't be happy. Which will tell you everything you need to know.

TinyCake · 11/02/2021 07:54

No, this is not healthy behavior from him.

Eckhart · 11/02/2021 08:32

Whether or not you have a confrontation is your decision, not his, OP. There are always other options. Think, in each situation that arises, what do you want. What's the final result that would make you feel good? It's ALL about your feelings. Your entire life, from now on, make it 'all about you'. You're a nice person, clearly, so you don't have to worry about that being a 'selfish' move; sometimes, the thing that makes you feel good will be to help your friend out with a task when they need you, or buy your sister some flowers. So, that's it. It's all about you now. The joy of this is that you have ALL THE POWER. (Not 'in the world', but 'in your world'. You are now in the driver's seat. Learning to drive your life takes a while, but it's the best thing you'll ever do.)

So, think about your final result that you want, and organise it for yourself. In this instance, you want your passwords to be your own, and you don't want to have a fight about it. So, change your passwords, and don't have a fight. The way to not have a fight, is to only speak about yourself, and not concern yourself with anybody else's view. So, if he wants a confrontation, and says 'What the fuck's happened to the computer? I can't log in to your account anymore??', you tell him that you're going to be changing your passwords regularly now, because it's better for security, and you want to be the only one who knows them. DON'T MENTION HIM OR HIS ACTIONS. Whatever he says to argue or retaliate or try to convince you otherwise or to make you feel stupid/wrong, accept it as the way he feels, and distinct from how you feel. That's the key; don't argue against what he says. He is allowed his feelings just as much as you are allowed yours. This is a boundary you can install in your life to use in all your relationships.

The way to stop someone manipulating you isn't by convincing them them that you are right and they are wrong. It's by getting away from them.

So, he says you're paranoid, and nobody changes their passwords, and all other boyfriends in the world know their girlfriend's passwords, and you should trust him otherwise you're a shit girlfriend and you'll never find anybody else like him if you keep on with your ridiculous behaviour etc etc, you respond with this 'OK. That's your view, and I've told you mine.' and that's it. You can say it in a hundred different ways, all based around 'It's entirely up to you what you think, and I've told you what I think.'

The crux is to accept that he's not going to respect your view, so it's pointless to try to convince him of it. Just let yourselves be different. It doesn't matter if he's wrong/thinks you're wrong. He can think that until the cows come home. It's irrelevant to the fact that you are changing your passwords. Arguing with him and defending yourself is perpetuating your discomfort. Calmly accepting that you disagree will leave him with very few options for continuing to try to make you feel bad.

LannieDuck · 11/02/2021 08:55

You're allowed to say no, OP.

It doesn't matter if he wants to do something if you don't. He's not being 'helpful' if you don't want it. He can play with his own tech and leave yours alone.

Eckhart · 11/02/2021 10:37

@Mally2020

I think it's normal if you have nothing to hide and are in a committed relationship what's the problem?
OP told him she was uncomfortable with what he was doing, and he did it anyway.

Regardless of what he was doing, why do you think OP should over ride her discomfort?

Illberidingshotgun · 11/02/2021 10:50

Everyone else has given such good advice and insight, but I just wanted to emphasise that the most important thing is to trust your gut instinct. It's a very powerful thing, and it's already making you worried enough to post here.

Please, please change all passwords today, and if you can go out today and get a phone then please do. His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know.

If he's a lovely person who deserves you, he will say "of course, I completely understand, no problem"

truthisalie · 11/02/2021 11:18

Does OP need to go to settings and untick the box for synchronising? I am afraid he may still be able to log in. Also some browsers save new passwords so OP shouldn't save them for automatic log ins as he will see them using her password for her phone.

BeBraveAndBeKind · 11/02/2021 12:58

Everyone has given great advice re boundaries and privacy etc but I just wanted to add that you can become good with tech with a bit of practice. You can learn pretty much anything from YouTube so if you do need something techy, it's a great place to start.

JanFebAnyMonth · 11/02/2021 13:06

The Women's Aid link I posted upthread leads to How To pages on this. If you google cyber stalking there is lots of advice online.

Should this be in Classics or something?

Eckhart's advice (and others') is so good and so vital.

@Eckhart do you mind if we send it to friends/ keep it as a reminder to ourselves?

Eckhart · 11/02/2021 14:12

@JanFebAnyMonth

The Women's Aid link I posted upthread leads to How To pages on this. If you google cyber stalking there is lots of advice online.

Should this be in Classics or something?

Eckhart's advice (and others') is so good and so vital.

@Eckhart do you mind if we send it to friends/ keep it as a reminder to ourselves?

If anybody thinks it'll hit home for anybody, then I'm very happy for it to be spread/printed/put on a flag/iced on a cake! I had a brilliant counsellor who helped me to understand it. I didn't even know what a boundary was, I thought it was about telling other people what to do to make you happy.

The more people who get the message the better.

This is good to recommend too. I was addicted to it when I was learning/practicing how to have good boundaries:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

DeeCeeCherry · 11/02/2021 14:26

MadameButterface

He is ONE man. Don't give him the power to blight your whole life like this.

"The kids adore him" is neither a reason or excuse to accept his disgusting behaviour. I'm sure they adore you too.

You may well never have another relationship due to this trauma. Doesn't mean you can't take baby steps towards at least being free and happier.

You said sometimes you don't want to be here. But your DCs need their Mum. & You deserve to live. Do you have anyone else to talk to? Friend/family?

Please speak to your GP. & Victim Support. VS aren't often mentioned but they are so good when a woman is in need of help and advice.

Eckhart · 11/02/2021 14:49

You may well never have another relationship due to this trauma

Once you recognise your own boundaries and start respecting yourself, you won't need a partner. You might want one, but, you know, most of us want a million quid. Not having it doesn't spoil our lives though, and we don't spend very much time thinking how much better our lives would be if we had it.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/02/2021 15:20

Eckhart that's what I meant. butterface may well never have another relationship, as she stated, but getting healthy and whole is far more important. Men aren't the sum total of it.

I hope she has a friend.

Bananalanacake · 11/02/2021 16:16

Don't let him move in with you, he sounds like the sort to try.

Horseradish01 · 11/02/2021 16:44

Technically, there shouldn’t be any confrontation when you change your passwords as he shouldn’t know they’ve been changed as he shouldn’t be accessing your email and iCloud without you there. So if he does, you’ll know he’s been snooping. Change them immediately OP. This is a horrible invasion of privacy.

Mammyloveswine · 11/02/2021 19:12

My husband of 7 years doesn't know my password and I don't know his...

DecorativeParticle · 11/02/2021 21:45

@Significantown

Have you looked at the Freedom programme? I don’t know if its running right now, but it has a bit about technology and control.
Yes it is currently running, in some areas, virtually.

OP, I'd recommend it!

BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 20:40

How are you OP 🌺

Member869894 · 13/02/2021 08:55

Dying to know if op has followed our advice and what his reaction has been x

Callingallskeletons · 13/02/2021 09:01

You’re not being paranoid OP that is really strange behaviour (and the pessimist in me says he only showed you how he can “help” you log in to your iCloud so he could have open access without you getting a notification in future)

I would 100% get myself a new phone (not an iPhone so he can’t “link” things) and just explain that whilst you have nothing to hide you do have a history with a toxic ex who trampled all over your boundaries and you need to have some privacy

If he’s funny about it then that’s your red flag and it’s time to move on